What tomorrow means to me

Today I attended a rare family reunion for my family. We don’t really do them much any more – mostly I believe because since my mother has passed away, there is no one willing to be responsible to keep it going. But perhaps my coming home stirred up some interest to get something organized. Give credit to two of my brothers they managed to pull it off and it was well attended. Even by some of the older generation.

On the other hand, it was emotional for me to be there and seeing all the kids and teens and not seeing my girl too. She should have been there. I needed her there.

I recently saw a card I had sent my grand mother when my mother died. I’d always called my mom my “touchstone”. I kept grounded and connected to my mom in a way that you can’t explain. When my mom died I assigned that responsibility to my grandmother. Which she loved to accept. Then she passed away 5 years later and my daughter took on that role once she got older. My touchstone no longer exists. I don’t have anyone close that qualifies for that role excepted maybe my brother Gary – we do have a strong connection, but we don’t see each other that much.

I still am struggling on what’s so important about me continuing to live. I see how easy it’s been for my friends and family to move on inspite of her dying. I’m sure that will happen just as well if I’m gone. I am not saying no one cares – it’s just they have their own lives to live and their own families. I may have come to a point where I have done all I can and it’s time for me to go as well. Until I find that reason to fulfill my desire to make a difference – my days here are numbered.

I know it must be difficult for many to grasp this type of pain, but it’s so powerful that I just want to lie down on my bed in my comfortable pjs in my comfortable bed and never wake up. When I say these things to people – they get made at me and tell me to stop saying it, but my friends and family have shown me that life will go on whether I’m here or not. It seems pretty easy for them.

One brother today told me he didn’t know what to say or do – I said that the thing I missed most was being told “I love You” and feeling my daughters arms wrapped around me or my mom’s for that matter. It’s a natural thing to want love and to be loved – so much so that you feel it deeply.

So if anyone wants to know what they can do for me – I need to matter – I need to be told I’m loved and I need a hug that lasts longer than 2 secs. That may help keep me going.

Tommorrow marks the 19th anniversary date of my mother’s passing from breast cancer. I miss her so much. It’s been so long since I’ve heard her voice that I don’t think I can remember it. But when I break out her memory box and open up her perfume – oh – it takes me right back where she was when she was living.

until

mercedes

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