This will be my Second Mother’s Day since my only child, Brittany past away. I am finding it even harder than the First Mother’s Day.
I lost my mom September 16, 1988, a few months shy of the birth of my daughter Brittany. It was such a long time ago. I don’t remember much about that time, other than I was so struck with grief that I didn’t eat much or even say much for two months. I just sat in my babies nursery rocking in my rocker and staring blindly into space. Then my OB said I needed to get ready for my baby and I needed to quite thinking about my mom and start thinking about my baby. So I did.
It took five years to come to terms with my mothers death. Thanks to Hope Edleman’s book Motherless Daughters. I also became busy taking care of my daughter who’d been diagnosed with Epilepsy. She’d had a viral fever when she was 11 months old and nearly died. The Epilepsy was thought to have been caused by that fever.
I also lost my grandmother during this five year period as well. You know, I never gave my grandmother’s grief over losing her daughter much thought back then. So after losing the only other female role model in my life, I threw myself into raising my daughte, who had some delays from the Epilepsy.
I was going through nursing school at the time of my grandmother’s death. It was a very stressful time for me. We moved away to another state and just when you have all your child’s doctors and school stuff organized – ya gotta go and do it all over again. I don’t think her father really ever got how difficult it was to manage her healthcare.
At age 10 my daughter was diagnosed with Crohns Disease. And she also had a grand mal seizure too. Don’t you just wonder – “what’s next”? – How much dreadful crap does a person have to take? I know I asked it every day – but more to the point – why did my daughter have to suffer so much?
Then just when things looked like they were going well – BAM – another blow! She begins having odd seizures – ones we’ve never seen before. After approximately one year of doctors not listening, many appointments, failed treatments – my daughter dies of an epileptic seizure. Yes IT Does Happen!
Now I live with the reality of Mother’s Day – my mom is gone, my grandmother is gone and my daughter is gone. How does someone get through something like this?
I pray every day that God shows me why I am still here – seriously I don’t get it. I don’t like it much! In fact, I pray that I go sooner than later. What is really ironic is that everyday I live with pain in my body and somedays it’s hard to get up and go to work. But I do. However, the pain in my heart – that’s what is hard to live with.