Avoiding the Inevitable

It stopped raining – thank goodness!

I have been to Michaels several times over the past month and each time noticed “memorial flowers” that have been made up for people to place on their loved ones graves. Each time I walk by and look at them and then think maybe I should buy one for my mom’s grave.

You see I haven’t been to my mother’s grave since, oh, probably about 10 years. I remember taking my daughter their many years ago and I could barely get out of the car. My mom has been gone now for 20 years, but I just can’t get myself to go out there. I know she isn’t there, but it more than that, it’s a reminder that she is not here.

I think maybe I’ll try to go on Mother’s Day – my personal day from hell. I had my daughter cremated because her father and I are divorced and we didn’t want to bury her in Michigan where we lived at the time of her death. I’ve contemplated burying her remains, but haven’t been able to deal with that yet.

I’ve been praying for strength to get through this Mother’s Day with a different outcome. To maybe, just maybe be able to see something good from it. But right now, the hole in my heart is too big and too painful to think about celebrating a day that has been a reminder of what has gone wrong in my life.

I know I could see it from the positive side – and oh how I have heard many people say things that make me want to throw up. For example – “at least you had a mother” or “at least you were a mother” – come on people – where is your compassion. I sincerely hope you never have to lose your mother and then turn and lose your daughter. It’s the most gut wrenching thing I’ve ever had to deal with, and I’ve had a lot of crap in my life to deal with.

I’ll keep thinking about visiting her grave and I’ll get back to you on that.

until next time,

mercedes

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