What If’s

So often grievers spend a large part of their grieving period in what I call the “What If’s” stage. What If’s are statements made by those who were directly involved with the loss of their loved one.

I know from my own personal experience that the “What If’s” stage that it can create a sense of guilt that often, at times, can be very hard to deal with. I spent many nights awake thinking:

What if – I stayed on the doctor’s case more, nagged more

What if – I paid more attention to her that day she complained of a numbness in her hand

What if – I would have demanded the ambulance personnel to address her noted seizure activity, even when they dismissed it.

What if – I would have demanded better healthcare in the months before this all happened

What if – What if – What if

There are alot more What If’s in my mind and heart. So I prayed and prayed to God to help me find peace with all the What If’s. As time as gone on I have come to a peaceful place with most of the What If’s. I realize now that I did all the things that were within my power to save her. Some of the responsibily lies the healthcare providers that were in charge of her care and chose not to deal with it.

Now I know you might think – why didn’t we sue – we chose not to because it is not what we as parents believed God intends for his followers to hurt each other by intention. But what I did do is write a letter to her doctor. A letter asking why he didn’t listen, why he wanted so much to be her doctor and promised to help her and then in the end failed her so miserably. That letter was written to challenge him as a physician to do better and it was written to help me heal. And I believe it has. I harbor no ill feelings toward him.

Cleveland Clinic – I’m still working on. The be-all-end-all facility that promised us a care plan that never came to pass, and sent us home with nothing, not even hope. So my feelings about the CC are still a work in progress. I know that the CC is a great institution and has helped many, many families heal from various types of diseases. However the four days we were there, nothing happened. Nothing that was promised to happen, not even an explanation. It’s as if they didn’t even have the guts to tell us what was wrong. It was only after I challenged the nurse practitioner – nurse-to-nurse, to give it to me straight – did we get some kind of idea what we were up against. That is when I knew things were going to be rough for us until we got some answers. Yet having her die from a seizure a few short weeks later was not something I thought about. It just doesn’t happen that often.

So yes, even as I sit here today and while reading the Sunday paper about a boy killed when he was struck by lightening and reading how his family was stating some “What If’s” – I am still reminded that there are times today 2-1/2 years later that I occasionally visit the “What If’s” again. The hope is in that I know God has a purpose for everything and in everything there is a purpose. The What If’s bring doubt and darkness and Hope in God brings me out of the darkness and into a light that I’m certain as I sit here today that will continue to bring honor and substance to Brittany’s nearly 18 year existence on this earth. She was here for a purpose and that is how I choose to, have to, and need to see it. Every single day, every single minute, and every single second; otherwise it becomes all to unbearable.

until next time


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