***** Warning this may be rough for you to read – proceed with caution ******
I went to the movies tonight with my best friend Denise. We started out the evening at Kona’s and then went off to watch the movie “The Proposal” with Sandra Bullock. She is one of my favorite actress. For most of the movie I laughed so hard I was near tears. So many funny moments in the movie. Betty White was hilarious. But there was a moment towards the end of the movie that sent me into a tailspin.
Now I know I have written about tailspins before, so it should come as no surprise to those of you who know me or have been reading my blogs that tailspins happen usually without any warning. What I didn’t anticipate was that it would come from a moment in this movie. A movie that up until that point was very funny.
It was the moment when the couple are back in NY at the office and she is packing up her office and he arrives. He begins to tell her how he feels about her and she interrupts and tells him that it wouldn’t work because life was better for her as it was. She stated that she had gotten used to being alone and having no one in her life. And I was stopped dead in my tracks and I stopped laughing and almost began crying. Because she said the words I feel now. Why I have chosen to push people away. Because it’s easier.
Then I started that downward spiral in my mind, trying to not make it very apparent to my friend sitting next to me that I was becoming very uncomfortable with what I was thinking. My mind began to race with thoughts of “that is so like me” “I don’t even know why I’m still here – alive” and “what is the point”. I shook it off and we went on our way to B&N for a coffee, but my friend noticed something wasn’t right. So I told her what I was thinking.
We talked off and on during our coffee, but it was what she said in the car ride back to my car that really solidified my true feelings about life. She said to me “do you ever think you’ll ever get to a point where you will feel whole again?” and I replied “no, a part of me died on October 13, 2006” “I will never be the same”. “There will always be a part of me that will be absent.” She dropped me off at my car and I again shook off the feeling so that it would be clear to her that I was ok.
But I am not ok. I will never be ok. I am just existing.
until next time
m
Unimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings 
I am not one for romance movies, even with comedy, but it seems sad. I hope you can get through your problem. Ill be here for you if you need to! I’ll visit around! See ya!
This doesn’t seem to me to be “rough”, but instead extremely raw and self-aware. I know this is going to sound weird, but I have a friend who was dealing with infedility in her marriage and I heard her say many similar things. She called it “crashing” and it came to her totally unannounced also, and even had physical pain manifestations as well. She isolated too (or pushed people away) because she didn’t think she should talk about it so just “pretended” and didn’t want to be around people when she “crashed.”
I can’t imagine being in such pain or living beyond one’s child. It strikes me as incredibly healthy to be so aware of what your feeling, why you’re feeling it, and to be able to share it so cogently. Of course that doesn’t make the pain or isolation lessen at all…
I wish I could say some words – or pray some words – that would “make it all better.” Thanks for sharing such intimate and hard thoughts. That in itself seems healing.
You know what’s weird? I had the same type of “tailspin” reaction (for wildly different reasons) watching American Pie. OK, stop laughing at me M 😉 It was 1999 and I was there with my new boyfriend who I was madly in love with, it was a brainless comedy, everything was great. Then about 1/2 way through the movie, it was like someone flipped a switch in my brain, it was bizarre and I’ve never had anything like that happen again before or since. But suddenly, watching the selfish, shallow, hateful characters in the movie who saw women as just something to use, I became profoundly sad. My rose colored glasses were off. That was what the real world was like. People being narcissistic and not caring about the feelings of others, and once they’re through with you, you are discarded. It was then that I realized there was no hope for anyone loving me for any length of time, something I probably knew but didn’t want to admit to myself. Even the guy sitting next to me would leave me in the end (he did). And I wish I could get back to my delusional existence before that revelation.
Interesting….I think I like life better with my rose colored glasses on. But people will always dog me about that. I wear my sunglasses alot, not because of the sun getting through, but because of the pain getting out….
Thanks Nancy – I just realized who you were.
Yes it is very interesting how something so small can cause your pain to come crashing in like a tidal wave of emotion. I’m afraid not every one gets that concept. Most call it depression. I call it reality. But I do appreciate your understanding the difference. My ability to write about it and not be afraid to be judged is the most healing of all.
I do believe indygirl has a great point on it. Reality hits when things from the past show themselves.