***** Warning this may be rough for you to read – proceed with caution ******
I went to the movies tonight with my best friend Denise. We started out the evening at Kona’s and then went off to watch the movie “The Proposal” with Sandra Bullock. She is one of my favorite actress. For most of the movie I laughed so hard I was near tears. So many funny moments in the movie. Betty White was hilarious. But there was a moment towards the end of the movie that sent me into a tailspin.
Now I know I have written about tailspins before, so it should come as no surprise to those of you who know me or have been reading my blogs that tailspins happen usually without any warning. What I didn’t anticipate was that it would come from a moment in this movie. A movie that up until that point was very funny.
It was the moment when the couple are back in NY at the office and she is packing up her office and he arrives. He begins to tell her how he feels about her and she interrupts and tells him that it wouldn’t work because life was better for her as it was. She stated that she had gotten used to being alone and having no one in her life. And I was stopped dead in my tracks and I stopped laughing and almost began crying. Because she said the words I feel now. Why I have chosen to push people away. Because it’s easier.
Then I started that downward spiral in my mind, trying to not make it very apparent to my friend sitting next to me that I was becoming very uncomfortable with what I was thinking. My mind began to race with thoughts of “that is so like me” “I don’t even know why I’m still here – alive” and “what is the point”. I shook it off and we went on our way to B&N for a coffee, but my friend noticed something wasn’t right. So I told her what I was thinking.
We talked off and on during our coffee, but it was what she said in the car ride back to my car that really solidified my true feelings about life. She said to me “do you ever think you’ll ever get to a point where you will feel whole again?” and I replied “no, a part of me died on October 13, 2006” “I will never be the same”. “There will always be a part of me that will be absent.” She dropped me off at my car and I again shook off the feeling so that it would be clear to her that I was ok.
But I am not ok. I will never be ok. I am just existing.
until next time