I have decided to re-post this topic. I find that it’s worthy of being repeated, not because of me or for me, but because there is so much anger in the world and somehow we must find a way to channel in a positive way. And because I am under the weather and don’t have much energy to write something new.
So enjoy the repeat of “Anger Resurfaces”
Until next time
The past few days I’ve been reading about thinking positive. Believing for good things to come my way. To have faith that all things will work out. I’ve been reading about faith and about how to give all the “stuff” I carry to God and live a life of love.
Then I spiral back to the current moment while sitting in a place I don’t like, hearing about a topic I don’t want to hear about – suddenly I get angry. The topic is something that brings back the bad memories of the death of my daughter and the ramifications of her death. I hear something and I find myself hanging my head and thinking “I hate this” – I can’t push the memories back. It’s like it’s as if I’m thrown back for one quick second to that “time” in my life when all around me my life was crashing and I didn’t seem to have any control over it.
The anger of my daughter’s death has so many different pathways to a variety of topics. It’s all very fractured and leads to different types of responses. For the most part I am able to push it back to the dark place where I keep those memories. I’ve tried talking about them and writing about them – but they are still there. Because I am still angry over the lack of attention she received. The lack of financial support. The battles with insurance for nearly 17 years. And finally the eventuality of my financial collapse in the year following her death.
The lack of attention from her physician during the final year of her life. Fighting for every moment and every test to get her help. The help that came too late. The words “there is nothing else we can do” – the words that still ring in my ears more often than I will admit to. Those words coming from a doctor at the Cleveland Clinic. Then two weeks later those words again “there is nothing else we can do” “her heart is failing” – how do those words ever leave your memory?
I have finally realized that my anger comes from not her death so much, but the events leading to her death. The lack of accountability to her from her providers. The constant work that was required to keep her going, to keep her as healthy as I could. I worked so hard to have her, so hard to keep her and still it wasn’t enough.
How do you live with that type of pain or anger? I live with a broken heart. One that only God can heal, but it will always have the scar that bares the pain and loss of losing my only child. One that I wanted so badly and after many infertility tests and drugs was blessed to have. Then to have ber nearly die at the age of 11 months from encephalitis. But she lived, but with some minor disabilities. That is when the work truly began to keep her going. I worked so very hard. I think that is why it still hurts so badly.
Again I sit in a class and hear stories about the very thing that I battled for 17 years and I think how am I suppose to do this? How am I to wrap my arms around this topic and feel passionate about teaching it. Then someone said to me today that God has placed me in the very position to teach people to help parents and others in ways that will possibly prevent the battles I lived so often for so long. Wow.
I must say I don’t understand the will of God, but I can only accept what happened as His will. Then I have to move on and not be angry anymore. It is not serving any purpose but only to destroy my soul. I don’t believe that is what God wants for me. I have a purpose to show the world the God I know, the God I love and the God I fear.
My survival is directly related to my fulfilling the purpose that was meant for me to live. My job now is to find that out and to stop being so angry. I won’t deny that it is easier or less painful now because it is not. It’s just different. It has become a distraction nonetheless and I have to find a way to move through this part of my grief. It is the only way I can move to the next level of healing.
Anger is normal, but not when it keeps you from experiencing life. The life God intended you to have. And as I always say – my life is a work in progress. Sometimes that progress takes a detour. And only God can get me back on track. So I will get quiet and spend some time with God seeking His guidance and His confirmation of where and what it is I am to do.
Until next time