Many years ago I wrote a paper on the Weakness of Will and I was going to write about that today, but then I heard Bishop TD Jakes’ sermon today and I decided this was a more important topic. Influenced by my thoughts and feelings these past few weeks about my purpose and where I felt my life was or wasn’t going.

So the sermon today sparked this thought: I have all the knowledge I need to move forward in my journey. However, I have yet to take it to the next level. Why? I thought it was perhaps I’d forget about my daughter and I am so afraid of that. People tell all the time “oh you won’t forget her” but you know my mom died 20 years ago and I have a very difficult time remembering much about her. 20 years is a long time to go without seeing someone. You forget what their voice sounds like and you forget what they smell like. That’s what I fear most about moving forward – it’s forgetting what Brittany smelled like, what she felt like, what she sounded like. I am afraid I miss the physical part of her the most.

Today I learned I need to move the knowledge I’ve learned through so many sources over these past 33 months (tomorrow); and get a revelation. So what’s a revelation you ask? It’s taking knowledge to it’s highest level. When looking up the word Revelation I came to the conclusion that the meaning is very similar across many different types of sources (Dictionary.com, Wikipedia, Google) – the bottom line is it’s the act of revealing something, some type of information that hadn’t been known or realized before.

Bishop Jakes talked about the importance of knowing what you need to know. You have to be inspired and keep your eyes fixed upward. He spoke about being knocked down to the floor and what it means to keep getting back up and continue on being inspired to survive despite all odds. This sermon was meant for me to hear today. I didn’t go to church because I was feeling uninspired. Imagine God can do many great things and sometimes it involves getting quiet and staying home and listening for a special message from whatever source it may be.

I’ve been knocked down to the floor so many times I can’t even count. Brittany’s death and the ramifications of that continue to keep me down, but I have been inspired today to keep looking up. To keep believing in the knowledge that today I can choose to see revelation – to understand what I haven’t been seeing. I have uncovered what so often people who are beat down continually aren’t able to see – the spiritual warfare that goes on is a battle for my mind and it stops today.

People, including myself believe that it’s about the stuff – it’s about this or that – but it’s not really about any of that. It’s about my spirit and what lives inside that matters. No one can take that from me. Brittany’s memories live inside my heart and that will always be. No one can deny that. Bishop Jakes talked about the “suicide of the mind” and how people have stopped looking up. I know it’s happened to me so many times. I tend to look down, it seems easier, at times it is easier. Looking up takes great faith. Staying there even greater faith. It’s the revelation that keeps you there.

That’s the lesson I learned today. Keep looking up. Take what you know and make it a revelation!

Until next time

m