Tomorrow will mark the 1st anniversary date no mother should have to suffer through. It is the angel date of her 17 year daughter. This is someone I don’t know personally, but someone I know well. I’ve had her on my mind so much lately. I know what it is like to have the months before “the date” begin to push you to places you don’t want to go. To have feelings you don’t want to have. To cry so many tears you think you’ll drown.

The first anniversary is one of the toughest dates to endure. Months now will turn into a year and a year will turn into years and years will turn into a lifetime. Each month, each year that you endure the loss seems like a lifetime. Yet some days the loss is so fresh it makes you stop dead in your tracks and think “how could this have possibly happened to me?”. This reality shocks you back and you know that it is done.

The firsts are so difficult for parents who have lost a child. The first holiday, the first birthday, the first graduation, the first wedding, the first …..  But it doesn’t stop there – every holiday hurts – every birthday that passes hurts – every time you see a wedding, it hurts – every time you see someone who looks like your child or is the age or was the age of your child, it hurts.

The sorrow is deep and the pain is profound. It doesn’t go away. You can’t wish it away. Your only hope is that God comes into your life as He has mine and begins the process of healing. That has been my only source of survival. For without God, I have no reason to move forward. I see no reason to proceed. The pain and emptiness is too profound to continue without God.

At some point in the journey you have to make a move one way or another to a place where you can begin to see joy again. I can say it comes and goes now. It’s unpredictable this journey. It takes you places you cannot imagine and places you don’t want to go. On the other hand, I have made some incredible friends and experience the extension of God’s love through many people of faith. For that I am eternally grateful.

One cannot make it through such trauma without love and understanding. One cannot make it through this type of pain without the love and healing of God. God’s power to heal my heart is only as powerful as I will let it be. Meaning….I have to accept God’s healing however it comes. It may not come in the ways I believe it should or in the ways that I think are good for me. That is the true test of faith. To ride out the storm knowing God is in control. And I am not.

To my dear friend, know that I am praying for you. Know that God has his arms around you and will not let you fall. Remember your girl was a gift. A gift that can never be taken away from your heart.

until next time,

m