Over the past couple of years since Brittany’s death I have often wondered what my new purpose in life would be. How it might manifest itself. I have looked at many things to take up the time so to speak in my life. That way I don’t think so much about Brittany. That was my way of coping I guess. But now some distance has occured and I am now believing God wants me to move onward to a new place.
Not in a physical sense, but in a spiritual sense. A place where I can feel a sense of acceptance and a belief that I matter in this world. You see before Brittany died there was no doubt in my mind that I mattered. I had an obligation as a parent to nurture and love my daughter into a bright and successful woman and child of God.
That leads me to now and what has been going through my mind. It seems as though every Sunday as I walk past the kiosk at church where the student ministries try and recruit volunteers I would feel this “pull” to walk over and find out more. I know that that “pull” is God. So first I ignored that “pull” because I couldn’t possibly think that I had anything left to give. But God being God, began to nudge me a little harder, until one day I felt as if I “had” to go over and find out more.
So I did and then I did the usual – I put it off. I think for the most part because of fear of the unknown. Not wanting to fail. Thoughts invaded my mind that I might not live up to what ever God wanted me to do in this area. It was about a couple of months later that I began to feel that “pull” again.
I talked with a church friend and she thought I’d fit in better with the college age group. That because she saw me as a “strong woman of faith” that I would have more to offer this age group. So again, I let more time pass until I could no longer avoid God’s nudging. So yes, I signed up to help out with the group at our church called Access. They are a group of college age kids who are not really kids anymore, but are still needing the guidance of adults in the church.
So tomorrow I start my new role “my new thing” and I have mixed emotions about it. That’s what I do. This uncomfortable feeling I now get when I’m around people. Never had that before Brittany died. Always such the outgoing personality and social butterfly. So this volunteer project is a real stretch for me. One that I take very seriously and passionately.
I can say I am truly excited to get started and look forward to what God is going to do this fall as I begin this new thing called moving forward.
until next time