******* Warning – Difficult and Provoking Material ***********
This post will be sweet and to the point. People continue to amaze me at the level of misunderstanding and just pain ignorance on how to see thru the eyes of a grieving parent. I won’t go into details and I have belabored the point long enough. If the point has not gotten through so far – I doubt it ever will.
I hope with all my heart that no one has to go through this pain that invades my heart on every level of every minute of every day. I spend an incredible amount of time pretending for you. I’m done with it. I’m done pretending for the very people who could give a shit about what my life is like on a daily basis.
You all move through your lives pretending a life altering event can’t possibly happen to you. But I’m here as living experience that shit happens and it happens to me more often than I care to admit. I’m very tired of playing the “pretend to be happy” role for everyone’s else comfort. My life sucks plain and simple.
When I say my life sucks I am referring to life without my daughter. I have much to be grateful for and I am. I have some of the best friends a person can have. My friends in Michigan – you continue to amaze me by your generosity and thoughtfulness -even though I have been gone for 2-1/2 years. You still think of me and make me feel that I matter.
As much as I try to cover it all up with mindless activities – at the end of the day – I live alone with my pain. the most recent event was my birthday. It went pretty much unnoticed; well except for my good friends on Twitter that I’ve never met. Funny how they were the one’s I heard from first. Whose cards arrived before the others. To top it all off the only gift I received was from a dear friend in Michigan who I has consistently been there for me on every holiday, even St. Patty’s Day. Little does she realize that it is those little gestures she makes by sending me the cutest packages several times a year mean more to mean that words can express. Why, because it shows she cares. She goes out a painstakingly picks out gifts she thinks I would love. Sometimes little does she know it’s the only gift I get on some holidays!
It’s not about the gift truly people, it’s about the time she takes. The investment in me and the love she extends to me. Even better is that she does it all because God leads her to be that type of person – a person of character.
Incredible that the show of love I get is from my long distance friends, most of which I haven’t met. I feel so very insignificant in my family life. Like I could be gone tomorrow and they’d never blink an eye. It’s the saddest and most disappointing love in my life. Ranks right up there with all the abuse, loss, grief and just plain smashed up life crap that has been consistently traveling my way since I was little.
I have always been know for my incredible resilience – but my friends the time is now and I am running on empty. I have to find a way to fill up my heart – a new way – maybe it’s with helping out with the youth group at church. Because now I know for sure – my life is not what it was and never will be. It’s a different life now and I can no longer hold on to the past – whoever and whatever that means.
Not much longer do I see myself continuing to fight a losing battle. Something good has got to happen and it has to happen soon.
I apologize for those of you who don’t know how to take this, but I do hope you never have to find out.
until next time