Some days I find it hard to find the space to become quiet and listen for God’s voice. In the business of my day, I have become attached to the noise. It fills the void that exists in my life. Noise that I used to hate.
Noise used to make me crazy. I hated the TV on and I loved to play music on the stereo. But since Brittany’s death noise has become a necessary evil. It keeps me from hearing nothing. Which reminds me she is not here. Which then makes me sad and I withdrawal from the world.
Now I keep the TV on far more than I used to. And I no longer play music. It all reminds me of the life I had, the one I loved so much and the one I don’t have anymore. When I try to go back – I cannot.
I now realize I have to create some space in my life that allows the quiet to return. So I can hear what I need to hear to heal. To move forward – to allow love back in my life. The love of music, the love of reading, the love of being out with people. And just plain love.
Little did I know that creating that kind of space would be so hard. It’s just easier to keep the noise going and the thoughts pushed back. But that doesn’t accomplish much. In fact, it keeps me from enjoying life. Some days I think to myself – Malissa – you got a life to live. A life that God wants you to live. To live it loudly and with abundance. Yet I struggle with that. Because it means moving on.
Moving on means, saying goodbye – that is so very, very hard to do. I’m not sure how to do that yet. I will be writing about that process over the next few weeks. The journey I’m about to make myself take will be painful, yet exciting all at the same time. It’s time. It’s my time. And I want my life back.
Until next time,