I Can’t Let You In Today

J’ai un lourd coeur aujourd’hui. La douleur de perte continue pour toujours. Il vous frappe le droit quand vous le moins vous y attendez.

The quote I posted above in French means “I have a heavy heart today. The pain of loss goes on forever. It hits you right when you it less expect it.” I use French because it is a language I love to listen to, try to understand yet cannot speak.

Today I am having one of those days that just keeps coming back despite all my belief, my trust, my hard work, my support and my God. Why? Well as anyone who has ever dealt with grief for whatever reason knows it returns when it wants. It haunts daily. Sometimes even minute by minute. In the early days of grief the sorrow is all so consuming. You breathe it. You cry it. Yet it’s as if it’s a staring contest to see which one will remain standing.

What I have come to learn, through many tearful, anguish-filled days and nights is this: you can’t fight it. You have to let it come on in and take a seat. Stare back determined to show that God has your back and He will not let you fail. He will not let the all-encompassing darkness take hold of you – if you will only ask Him.

I remember so many nights calling out to God and begging, praying, pleading – “please take this away” “take away this pain” “take away this huge gaping hole in my heart” – yet it is still here today for a reason. God has provided me so much comfort these past 3 years, but the one thing that will not go away is the fact that it all happened.

What reason can you imagine why I still have to battle this grief? I’m still figuring that one out. When I get really quiet and listen – ever so quietly I can hear God whispering – look around you so many people are hurting. Help them.

But what I forget is this  – I still need nurturing too. I have gotten to a point where I write about my experience in hopes that someone can read it and say “that’s it” I get it. But I still need that too. Problem is – I keep everyone at arm’s length. To let people into my life is extraordinarily difficult.

I see close relationships as a path down a road of loss I do not want to visit ever again. So you see although I have come so far I have so far to go. I have lost so much, so much so, that I will do whatever it takes to keep people at a comfortable distance. It’s a protective mechanism I have chosen to use to keep people away. For if I let someone in – I see death. I see love as a means to death because so many people I have loved have left me or died. It’s what I know.

This to I know – God keeps working on me and He keeps loving me despite my pain. And that is the most important message I can give today. One day I know God will help me to see that letting others in, and I mean really in will not hurt. But today it hurts.

until next time


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