It seems that this time of year always brings memories, good and bad about my sweet Brittany. I don’t know maybe it’s because I’m more in tune to the feelings that come with this season of grief. Or maybe it’s Brit’s way of connecting with me. All I know is that some days it’s so incredibly painful to feel the emptiness and other days I’m so grateful I had nearly 18 years with her.
As I was filing my old passport I found myself reminiscing about our vacations because on pages throughout my old passport are stamps from various places we visited. Those are such great memories. Going to Paris and showing her some of the many wonderful things about art and culture – she enjoyed Paris a lot.
Mexico, Cancun really, we vacationed there often. Taking turns between Cancun and St. Pete, where we have family. The stamps in the passport represent a life past. Going to St. Pete recently and staying in the same house where I stayed with Brittany for many years always brings some great memories, but also at the same time sad ones, as it was always fun to go to the beach with her. She loved the beach so much. I found during my visit in June that I couldn’t go back to the beach where we loved to hang out. It was just to painful of a memory to bear.
In placing the old passport in a file, I came across her death certificate. Of all the things I have in that file, that was the one thing that stood out. Why. I just looked at the envelope never taking the certificate out because that represents what is real. And my friends what is real some days is just too hard to think about. So I put it back, but not without a look upward to God and praying please take this pain away.
Perhaps now would be a good time to take the remaining items I have and put them all in one place hidden away only to be seen when there is intention behind it. That time is coming, the day when I get out her things and grieve over her absence like it all happened yesterday. It’s what I do. It’s how I handle my grief this time of year. Her absence in my life is profoundly palpable. I tend to cry more often, sigh more often and withdraw more often. It’s the dark time….
Now I will leave you with one of my favorite photos of her. It captures her beauty and it is one that will be forever etched upon my heart.
until next time,