Derailment

What has happened to me over the past few days has been what I can describe as a derailment of sorts. Easter threw me into an unexpected tailspin that led to me withdrawing and crying about the emptiness that still exists in my heart. Despite having love in my life, I still feel an ache deep within my heart that is beyond measure.

More than five years have gone by and I find that some days I have made great strides in my grief journey. Then some days I feel like I’m back laying on floor in my house back in Michigan and thinking I’m never going to live beyond one more day. Then I snap back to reality and realize that yes I have made it this far and yes I am happy again despite my loss. But my loss is never far from my mind. It cannot ever be something I will ever get away from. Nor do I want to.

I loved my daughter with every bit of my soul. She was a part of me. I grew her. She has been the best thing I have ever done in my life. I’m so proud of her and the work she did on this earth while she was here. When I focus on that too long, though, I become so sad because I long to see her again, to hear her laugh to have her say to me “mom, i love you”.

I thank God today that He graced me with her for the short 17+ years she was here on this earth. I also thank God for the love in my life now. For showing me it’s possible to love – that a broken and fractured heart can have purpose again. Most of all I thank God that He has led me to know who I am and that I have been this person all along. Just didn’t see it or didn’t want to face it.

Today I will love hard and I will allow love into my heart. I will live a life filled with love and life. I will smile again. I will be a better person because of it. Then I can do what I am here to do… be the extension of Jesus and love like Him.

until next time,

m

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