I have a area set up in my house to “memorialize” my daughter. I really don’t like that word “memorialize” very much. But it is what we have to describe when we set a very special place up to show off our loved ones who have passed on.

Most people have a cemetery to visit, but I do not. I knew I wouldn’t continue to live in the state we lived at the time of her death. So cremation was the only option. I’ve never been a big cemetery visitor anyway. I rarely visit the graves of my family including my own mother. It makes me too sad.

Brittany used to give me such grief about not going to her grave enough. I just said to her “she is not here so why visit”. But now with Brittany gone, it does bother me a bit that I don’t have “that place” to go. To sit and talk with her, to cry and place flowers on her grave.

Over the years I have created someone of “place” with a few things to give me that sense that I can visit her. I also created a memory book during the first year after her passing and I have always found that to have been very healing. While be it hard to look at sometimes, it is very special to my heart.

The one place I have her personal things in is a special piece of furniture given to me by my late great grandparents. It’s a hope chest. Funny how it’s turned into a burial place for my daughters private diaries, her artwork, her precious American Girl doll (that looks like her) and many other treasures. When I open that up, and it’s not very often that I do, it opens up the wounds of my heart. Tears flow like a river. It’s so emotional that hope chest. It carries the hopes and dreams that died along with my beloved Brittany.

With a heavy sigh, I can say that having these treasures close by is very important to me, I find it to be a little unnerving that it is so close by. I want to visit it, go through her things, but it’s just too painful yet. Even on my 6th year, it’s just too painful. So it remains closed, unopened and waiting. Waiting for me to gain my nerve. To be alone with it. To grieve all over again.

But it will also bring me such joy and what a great person I gave birth to and helped to grow into a beautiful young woman. I miss you Brittany.

until next time,

m