The crushing ripples of grief

I remember back in the early days after my daughter’s death I struggled with knowing who I was. I felt much like a tree that used to have beautiful branches and blooms. After the stormy death of Brittany, I felt that my limbs had been severed, my blooms withered away and I was left with just a shell. Devoid of all things called life.

I felt out-of-place wherever I went. When I went to an event in the town I lived, I felt out-of-place. When I walked in the store to get groceries, I felt out-of-place. When I drove up to my house in EGR, I felt out-of-place. Everywhere I turned I felt out-of-place. My whole life revolved around my daughter. 17 years of giving birth to her, keeping her safe, always working with medical team to keep her healthy. So when all that went away – I was left with a feeling of no purpose. It was a dark time.

As the months waned on and the winter cold settled in I felt more reclusive and more depressed.  I read the bible a lot those days hoping to find some guidance as to why it all  happened to me. Never really got that message. Which increased my feelings of worthlessness and depression. The more I read I should just have faith and get over it and move on, the more I came to understand that no one truly gets. I think the only way anyone could get this is for someone to have this happen to them. To have their life ripped up and their heart ripped out to the point that you feel nothing.

I wrote daily in my journal and for the most part it was very sparse. Sometimes I drew pictures of how I felt because the words wouldn’t come.  One of the items the journal page asked for was gratitude. I found that hard initially to find anything to be grateful about. Sometimes it would be the name of a person, or the sunny weather – but mostly I found myself grateful for breathing.

So often it was the gift of friends that caught me through so many of the dark days the first year.  Many came to be close friends that made me feel like I could make it through. I received so much love during that time and for that I have always been grateful. That is how the strong foundation was built for me to get to another level. I’ll always be forever thankful for God bringing those into my life, even if it was for a short time.

When your confidence is in God – you can do anything and God will show up!

My turning points were when I saw Brittany as a special gift from God because He knew I could care for her and give her a life that would shine and be of honor to God. Took me a long while to see that.

In February 2007, I had no idea where or what to do with my life. I wasn’t sure where my life would go or if I wanted it to go on. But through my faith and family and the best of friends I decided to move back to hometown of Indy. It was the one thing I was happy about. I wanted so desperately to leave the home I had with Brittany because it brought me such pain. There were so many great memories in that house, but also it is where I found her unresponsive. I had to leave.

While in the months to come, having left that  house was good for my grieving process, it was not good for my financial life. It was crushed. I found myself starting over. Even today I am still fighting the effects of that decision, which I would do again today, but it’s very sad that someone who has lost so much had to lose much more. There was no fairness. NONE.

People want to know why is it so hard to get over a loss. It’s because there is a ripple effect that happens when loss occurs. The ripples of life keep coming at you giving you little to no time to recover. Whenever I think I’m ready to move forward and buy a new house or condo, I find I cannot because losing my daughter meant losing my home too. So whenever I want to truly start over in my life, I cannot. I am forever reminded that when I ask if I can buy a car or a house or get credit – and I get denied – it’s just as if she has died all over agin. It just never stops.

I remain faithful that God will continue to bless me and that one day I’ll be able to start my life over again.

God is close to the broken-hearted, he restores those whose spirits are crushed.

Mine are still crushed.

until next time,

m

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