Grief Exposed

Last night I as I attempted to sleep thoughts of my journey played out in my head keeping me from a restful sleep. I said to myself – “you should get up and write” but I finally succumbed to the exhaustion and fell asleep. I don’t recall what it was specifically that I was dreaming about and that annoys me. I feel like at times I dream of things that have a message. But last night it was more like a restlessness that I cannot pinpoint. I cannot identify readily as this or that. It is just simply the restlessness that comes with grief.

I am coming into the dark days but it is a bit early just yet. I usually experience the dark days  beginning in September and it usually  lasts until the new year. With each year that has passed since my Brittany’s untimely death, I have called the days leading up to her death as the dark days. I have included the holidays for they have lost their luster for me. Can’t get that back. In fact, the meaning for many celebratory things have left me with a void that I cannot fill. I can only live in the moment and I cannot find the hutzpah to look into the future. Life for me is simply this….fill my day with busyness. Distractions work well.

Pondering on a past life that I longed for so long was ripped from me and in the wake of that,  I was not left with much to rebuild on. Not sure what the message is for me. I have resolved that I cannot figure it out and that I have to be ok with that. But haven’t quite got a grip on that yet. I still question “why me” a lot. I can look back over my life and say “why me” so many times that one might imagine any normal person would have gone berserk by now. I keep the faith that one day it will all become clear to me. Why so much has been taken from me. Why didn’t I get what they have. When I say “they”, I say all those who continue to enjoy their children, see them grow, graduate, marry and have children. My arms ache for the loss of so much. I cannot put it into words how profoundly empty that feels.

I hope that some day it will perhaps make more sense, but for now I am at a loss, my broken heart profoundly exposed and my sorrow spills over into a river of tears. I wrote today this which pretty much sums up my sorrow….

“Sometimes I just want to go back because going forwards means the distance between me and you fades and all I’m left with is the faint hint of who you were in my life.”

Until next time,

m

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2 thoughts on “Grief Exposed

  1. Oh my heart aches for you, As I feel that sorrow too. I lost my 23 yr old sone 17 months ago, it feels so long ago, and yet again like yesterday! As I move forward each day, I try and put a positive spin on it, that I am moving closer to seeing him. I try and keep him connected in my heart, which is where he will always be. I get many signs and this uplifts me. But I also had a breakdown on the weekend and know the grief is just under the surface and even though our lives seem a ‘new’ normal, we always will carry this with us. I thank you for your messages and for being so honest, may you be lifted up in LOVE today, cause that is all we have, the love for our children can never be taken from us. Love , Light and Hugs Janelle xo

  2. Thank you Janelle. I am blessed with those who choose to take the time to read my blog. I know sometimes it is hard for me to decide just how vulnerable I can be when I write. But honestly I feel my vulnerability helps others and for that reason I continue to write without much of a filter. Hugs to you as I know it is not easy to walk thus journey. Peace

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