I usually reserve this blog for posts about the loss of my daughter with occasional posts about losing my mom and grandmother. But I find that given today is Father’s Day, I felt compelled to write about the tragedy of having a father who chose to not be part of my life. That decision taught me volumes about life but it also hardened me to love. I see so many who have great stories of their fathers and how they have impacted their lives and I can only imagine how great that would have been. Instead my dad chose to walk away from six young children for a “better life” free of us. Only returning when it was convenient for him and certainly not for us. My first loss of many…..

My dad and I have had a volatile relationship since he left and after many attempts at reconciliation, it has brought me nothing but more pain. He chose to walk away from me over and over throughout my life. The day I needed him most to show up, my daughter’s funeral, he chose to not drive the four hours to be with me because it was too far. The message that I got from that was once again, I did not matter. It has been the story of my life with him. I did not matter to him. I never have. That makes me profoundly sad in ways I cannot say. I’ve paid dearly for his choice to be vacant from my life. I haven’t cried over this in years yet at this very moment the sadness of not having a father who cared enough to be involved in my life is so vastly wrong on so many levels and tears return at this moment.

Having a parent walk away from you when you are six years old leaves a permanent scar on your heart that never heals. Each Father’s day I feel that scar and the pain it creates over and over. With every Father’s day commercial and with every wonderful father-daughter story that is shared, I am reminded of the great void in my life and the mountain of doubt, pain, loss that his absence caused. We have tried over the years to reconnect, but it has always ended in angst. I guess he couldn’t help himself – he just keeps inflicting more pain so I’ve chosen to stay away over the years. It’s far less painful because most of my life I have not felt his love nor do I believe he cared enough to change. It usually is about him and his guilt. If it weren’t for guilt I imagine I would have never heard from him.

I have five incredible brothers who have grown to be wonderful men and great fathers. I’m so proud of the men they have become despite the loss of a father figure early in their lives. I’ve been blessed with a few father-like figures over the years who provided guidance and support. For that I am so grateful.

If you have a good relationship with your father, thank them today for the blessings they are in your life.

Until next time,

m