In the beginning I kept a personal journal where I wrote my inner most feelings about the loss of my daughter and the fall out that came in the wake of her passing. My on-line blog was very new, in fact, I was new to blogging and wasn’t sure I could or wanted to bare my soul to the public. Today I am very glad I chose to continue writing publically because I know it has helped others along the way. In that on-line journal, which transitioned into this journal, I wrote snippet’s rather than stories about my journey. This has truly been a measure from where I began and where I am today. It’s not perfect, but it is progress. Below is an entry from my personal paper journal that will give you a sense of where I was one month after the death of my daughter. I kept this journal for one year.
Day: Saturday, 11-11-06
The weather today: cloudy and cold
Today I feel: sad, glad, empty, desperate
Today I am grateful for: another day, a potential buyer
Inspirations, prayer, scriptures, and quotes: The Lord is close to the broken-hearted, he rescues those whose spirts are crushed. – Psalm
I said a special prayer for: Sheri, Trish, Clayton, Kellie’s son
Prayer(s) answered (comfort, peace, love and miracles): received help financially
Donations of the heart (acts of kindness, caring, sharing and forgiveness): Offering to help someone else during their time of sorrow. She seemed so sad.
What I would like to see happen tomorrow: Make it another day.
Reflections: Some days I feel like I’m just existing without purpose. Like a robot going through the motions of life. Problem is my life is so complicated and things are a real mess. It’s really hard to see any positives. My spiritual self is keeping me in check – but the mom in me does not want to go on another second – why? What’s the point?
I get a glimpse that maybe things will get better. Mostly because I’m around people – I can even laugh. But alone in my house – I’m left with nothing but sad feelings and unimaginable hole in my heart that causes much discomfort. No one gets that! No one! Only God – and I don’t feel that. I’m tired and it’s only been one month.
As I read through that page in the journal, I am struck by the words used to describe my feelings. Time is described as “seconds” – because it was how I measured my days. “Going through the motions” – reflecting on that I’m thinking it was a defense mechanism for survival. I could not see a purpose for me that was acceptable. I understood it was my faith that was lifting me out of the pain, though I couldn’t feel it. How could I – it had only been a month since I left my only child at the hospital, in that ICU bed, lifeless.
This blog has certainly evolved over the years and now I’m not sure what to do with it. I want to keep writing, but want it to be more about you, my followers, and less about me. So where do we go from here. I hope to hear from you about what it is you need to read or hear about. What would be meaningful for you so that you want to keep following? Should I blog through another book? Many questions, and I ask for your input. Because honestly this blog is really about you more than me. How can I help?
Until next time,