I have been able to find moments, days, and weeks of joy. As a grieving parent, that seems almost hard to imagine, I know. Having a great group of friends have helped me keep the focus off the dark cloak that covers my life. I truly don’t think they are aware the magnitude of the impact they have on my life. I say that because recently I took a job that moved me away from them. While I have remained busy with school and work, in the quiet moments, the darkness rises up and demands to be heard.
My friends had a way of making me laugh and see the joy of life that had been robbed of me since my daughter’s passing. Maybe it’s because they kept me busy in a way that I did not have the time to think about it. In hindsight I’m certain that God has always placed the right people in my life to fill that gap. It’s been that way historically for the past seven years and I while I pray He sends new friends my way soon, I don’t ever want to lose my connections with my friends in Michigan, Indiana and most recently Atlanta. As time does go on, I do feel some slipping away and that makes me sad. It’s a different kind of loss.
Loss seems to find its way at my door often. Not sure exactly why, perhaps some of it I have created myself by moving about. I’ve never known what it’s like to stay in one place for very long. My family moved around a lot when I was young. I continued that trend in my adulthood. When my daughter died I felt I just had to leave my house. It was a constant reminder of my loss. Every time I walked into that house I dropped to my knees. Then there is my career which I have buried myself in to dull the pain. It’s just easier that way. So several states and jobs later, I find myself in familiar territory of rebuilding my network of friends and my life for that matter.
In a blog post I wrote a while back about a “The Cloud of Witnesses” from the book A Grief Disguised by Jerry Sittser, I wrote about the value and significance of having that supportive network of friends and family. The ones that don’t leave your side no matter what. They keep coming back not afraid of dealing with my loss. I encourage you to read it if you haven’t.
https://mysoulspeaks.wordpress.com/2011/04/26/the-cloud-of-witnesses/
So what people don’t know is this…..
There is a darkness that parents who have lost their children feel and experience that grows without love and friendship. The challenge is finding it over and over again. The old saying that people come in and out of your life for a season is true, but I would like to believe that some would stay for a lifetime. I will be praying hard for new friends and for the blessings for my constant friends who keep me grounded in love. They know who they are and I send them the love they give me back 10 fold.
Until next time,
M
Unimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings 
How does one keep any friends at all through all of this? I have withdrawn so much, that I tend to avoid almost everyone. Many of my friends are the parents of Graham’s friends and so it is difficult to be with people whose lives are still normal while mine is a disaster. I love their kids, but I really can’t stand to hear about all the wonderful things they are doing right now. It’s all a reminder of my loss.
When I’m with people, I’m always uncomfortable and I find that I have to keep so much inside of me. I can only be myself around other bereaved parents.
When you meet new people that you want to be friends with, when do you tell them about your daughter?
It’s very hard. I have lost many friends because they did not want to deal with my loss. In the beginning I was so hurt, but have now come to understand they did not know any better. I have also learned to be comfortable bringing my daughter up during conversations. If I don’t do that – her life becomes meaningless as if she never lived. I don’t really care if they don’t want to hear about her or if it makes them uncomfortable. The true friends I have – love to hear about her and those are the friends you really need.
When it comes to meeting new people, I chose to wait a while, then at the right time I talk about her. It makes them sad I think, but most of the time they want to know what happened to her. So I feel like they genuinely care.
It’s a process that takes time but eventually it gets a little easier. We are all better for having our children in our lives and we need to speak their names and talk about them. It is part of the process. So keep talking about your dear Graham. Hugs.