Fears

So I saw a post by Tyler Perry today giving kudos to his fans for allowing him to be successful which allowed him to take care of his mother. He went on to say:

“When you look at your kids, just remember the child that you delivered may one day have to deliver you.” – Tyler Perry

It hit me like a rock. I found myself mourning what was most precious to me – my only child. I said to myself “who will take care of me”? I felt such anguish when I began to think about the gravity of my loss and what it has meant and the impact it has had on my future. All the dreams shattered and the life I had imagined robbed from me. So how else should I feel? It leaves me unsure about the future. A future I have to re-dream, re-imagine and feel like it matters.

I know unless you’ve suffered a loss like the loss of child, an only child, you might understand what I’m saying. I’ve written about this many times before, but no other time has it hit me with such power. Like a punch to the gut. I have to put my faith in someone else other than my daughter, my flesh in blood to be there for me when I’m too old to care for myself. It’s something I have to try very hard to turn off because it is just so scary for me to even think about.

I have been rewriting my life for a long time now. As a young girl, the life I envisioned I’d have did not turn out that way. Then when I finally had my daughter, and even that wasn’t easy, the life I envisioned – well it did not go as I had dreamed. From the moment my daughter was born, she had medical issues. For what would be 17-1/2 years, we dealt with constant medical issues and some of them life-threatening. So the life I had envisioned having children and seeing them off to college, get married and have children – all gone. So now what……

I still feel like I’m rewriting my life one day at a time. That is all I can do. My faith in a well-planned life went out the door the moment my daughter was diagnosed with Epilepsy and Crohn’s Disease. My faith in life at all went out the door the moment she took her last breath. My life now is in a rebuilding stage and it’s all I can do to take one step at a time and I do it with the utmost caution. Not quite going all the way for fear it will be ripped from me. Can you blame me?

 

Until next time,

MWhen you look at your kids, just remember the child that you delivered may one day have to deliver you.When you look at your kids, just remember the child that you delivered may one day have to deliver you.When you look at your kids, just remember the child that you delivered may one day have to deliver you.

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