So August is upon us and for many it is the beginning of football. Which I am excited about. It’s the beginning of a new school year. For some it brings a change in season. But for me, it’s the beginning of the dark days. The dark days are the days that begin in August and go through the birthdates, anniversaries and holidays of those most precious to me who are now gone.
I thought for some time that this dark period would diminish over time; that as the years go on past Brittany’s passing, the dark times would feel less dark. It has not always been the case. What I have learned is that this time comes but how I manage it makes the difference. Finding time to write about my feelings is just the beginning. Reaching down into my faith stores and build them back up. My survival of these dark times is dependent on my finding the resources that have created the hope I’ve believed and felt these past eight years.
My belief in Jesus comes not from the words of the bible, but in the knowing I have a relationship with Him. That He lives in me and sustains me even in my darkest of hours. His resurrection is the foundation of my faith and hope that I will see Brittany again. I can tell you without a doubt that sustained me in the early days when I was not certain I would survive the loss of my only child. When you are crawling around the floor with little ability to communicate the pain and anguish of loss, you have to have something that gives you hope.
Then comes purpose. Finding purpose is life giving. Finding it can be also difficult and the choice may not always be permanent. Sometimes it comes in a series of things, all interconnected and leading you to a place of purpose. Staying focused and dedicated to finding purpose has proven to be difficult for me. Writing this blog has been a part of it, but not the total story. There are parts missing, and I’m still searching for that.
I starting writing a book because there wasn’t much out there for parents who have lost an only child. But I got stonewalled. Cannot seem to finish it because I can’t seem to put it together in a sequence that makes sense. I think to myself “how can you make sense of it”? it’s not that easy. So I will continue to get it written and published. Other things is I’ve wanted to do, but the business of life has gotten in the way. Starting a foundation to send kids to camp in my daughter’s name. Speaking to grieving parents groups and events crossed my mind as well. So much to do. But feeling the pressure to do something and do it soon.
Until next time,