I have been thinking about the future of this blog for a couple of months. I will be honest I have some level of ambivalence. At some level I feel I’ve said it all. In fact, one morning when I was feeling a little sorry for myself ,I wanted to just post in big letters “I’ve nothing else to say”. When really I have a lot to say. I just don’t want to.

It doesn’t feel good to think about the deep hole that resides in my heart. It doesn’t feel good to look back and dredge up old memories (good or bad). Here’s the thing… the good memories are fading. As the years wane on, the memories become less vivid. The memories of the good times or the bad times – all fading away. I find unless I put a lot of energy around it – I can go through my day-to-day and not think about how hard it is. When I do – it’s beyond painful.

I’ve been tempted lately to spend a day watching old videos and going through her things. I don’t have much but what can fit in a 3×2 foot box. A lot of memories packed into a small space. I kept only the most treasured items – things that she loved or cards from so many after her Celebration of Life. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about going through it. I feel like I need to do that and do it soon.

Perhaps that will be the motivation for my next post.

Until next time,

M