I have this small container where most of my daughter’s personal and memorable belongs are neatly tucked in by a beautiful quilt and the crocheted baby blanket. My mom started crocheting that blanket in the months during her chemo for breast cancer; but couldn’t finish as she declined quickly and died 3 months before Brittany’s birth.
I picked up that cherished work that my mom, who was left-handed, started and as a right-handed beginner at crochet I finished it just before Brittany came into this world. It gave me something to do in the days after my mom’s passing. I was so devastated by her death that I could barely eat or sleep.
As I wrapped Brittany up in that blanket, I remembered how much my mom was looking forward to meeting her granddaughter. Her words to me a few days before her death was “I can’t wait to come to Texas”. But I knew she wouldn’t traveling anywhere but Heaven.
I have two of Brit’s dolls, a red-haired Barbie and a American Girl Doll that was made to look like Brit (but really doesn’t) and they look still new 17 years later. I saved all the cards, newspaper clippings and gifts many gave me during that time.
There were two of Brit’s favorite shirts that I kept and when I opened them up, I just wept from deep within my soul. Clutching them so closely to my heart and asking her if she could hear me cry out to her. All of that emotion just poured out of me like it had been building up for months. Maybe it had been. That is how grief works.
So many little memories that I treasure with all of my heart. Little heart pin she made me for Mother’s Day; a little book she gave me and inside her handwritten message “ I love you Mom”. And then I saw them. Her glasses.
I’ve yet to take them out of the case because holding them, I fear I’ll see what she saw in the moments before her life-ending seizure. 17 years and I still can’t fathom what she felt or saw or experienced. I was never able to communicate with her afterwards. Usually I could administer the meds and she would come out of it and respond to me, annoyingly as if I was disturbing her. But this time was different. She never regained consciousness. She coded three times in the PICU and died just before 7am, October 13th, 2006. Friday the 13th. Homecoming weekend. A month before her 18th birthday and the holidays.
You see her death scarred my heart forever. So much has been taken from me; I’m not sure how I’m standing but for the Grace of God. Grief has been the hardest lifestyle to accept. Yet her I am still trying to run from it until I cannot no longer outrun it.
The next few days will be hard and then her birthday and the holidays. Then January comes and I feel my heart breaking a little less and light returns. Just like Spring from a long and hard winter.
Until next time,
M
Unimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings 
Thank you for this. I feel your pain and deep grief. It has been 11 years since my only child was killed at 23 years old having just finished University and although I have managed to keep going, I can no longer smile or feel any joy except when looking at nature, trees, flowers etc. Unfortunately she was a memorabilia hoarder and I have been unable to sort out her piles and piles of huge diaries, art, photographs, letters, post cards, etc., Every-time I come across her hand writing or photos etc., I break down and then the pile of stuff remains in a pile. Your emails have always been of great help to me and I fully sympathise with your heart break and sadness.
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Hi Sarah. Thank you for your comment. I am always humbled when readers not only read my posts but if it resonates to comment on it. I cannot thank you enough. I’m so sorry you are on this journey and for the loss of your child. Please share if you’d like their story. I invite any of my followers to guest post – even on Facebook Page Unimaginable Grief and Unexpected Blessings. We all need to say our children’s names and share their stories. It keeps them alive in our hearts.
I will tell you I did struggle on the decision to give or keep my daughter’s things. I knew I could not remain in my house so in thinking about her and what she stood for, I had no choice but to give away certain things to her close friends and the rest went to people in need that I new about in the community. It came back 10 fold in photos and cards from those who received her bedroom furniture and bedding. Her clothes on and on. It helped me more than I knew.
Now that doesn’t work for everyone but it was the way I chose to honor her legacy. There are so many other ways like planting trees; volunteering for a charity they loved; mentoring and like me writing a book about grief so that it may help someone going through the fire. I did not have such a book for years.
I’ll keep you in my thoughts and send you comfort as you continue on this journey. Feel free to reach out again.