As I sit here thinking about decorating for Christmas, yet again, without my girl and in my new life since she died; I’m left with mixed feelings. I love Christmas and all it stands for. The true meaning of Christmas, the magic of Christmas and the opportunity for giving that is brought to the surface during Christmas.

My memories of Christmas go far back into my childhood when we would get a real tree and decorate it with lights and handmade ornaments because we did not have much money being a single parent household of six children. We strung popcorn and crate paper chains for garland and made ornaments at school that we used each year. Finished off with the throwing of silver tinsel.

We’d have chili the night before and open opening presents and off to our great-grandparents house for a huge family gathering on Christmas morning. We gathered each Thanksgiving and Christmas at our great-grandparents for many years until many of us grew up, married and had our own families. I cherish those memories even today.

Those memories are so important because they represent a family that was so strong despite many adversities. Today we are spread out all over and celebrate the holidays with our new families. Traditions have probably lingered in some way. I still make chili on Christmas Eve. Even if it’s just the two of us.

Life with my daughter and the memories we built over the many years are some of the best that I have. Even when it was just the two of us; we decorated our tree together and went to Christmas Eve services at our church. I am so grateful to have video of my daughter a few years before her death opening gifts and being her usual comical self making us all laugh. It seems like a lifetime ago and as the tears fall in this moment; I’m so grateful.

My mom died from breast cancer two months before my daughter died and unfortunately I have no video of her. No recordings of her voice. Oh my heart aches for that memory as it continues to fade from my mind. I do have letters from her that demonstrated the love she had for me. She supported all of my endeavors to discover who I was and the person I wanted to be. She was my best friend.

Just before her death she was preparing to come and be at the birth of my daughter, her granddaughter from her daughter. She started a crocheted blanket which I found at her house after she died. I brought it back home and finished it. Oddly she was left handed and I right; made for some interesting stitches. I did bring Brittany home in that blanket and it was a special moment filled with sadness and joy.

I’m finding this holiday season more difficult yet sit in gratitude for all that God has bestowed upon me. One who has been through it more than once; I could see it much differently. I have at certain moments along this journey; but I know for sure I’m blessed to have these memories; to have had these moments with my mom and daughter. Some do not get that opportunity. I’ll leave that right here.

Until next time,

M