Author: Grief Blessings

Trying to discover why I'm here and where I'm going. Finding out that today is all we have - tomorrow is not guaranteed. So live like today

Mother’s Day

Grief Blessings1 Comment
A New Normal

So often I have read about this idea of a “new normal” that one begins to experience after a loss such as mine. I do wonder who may have come up with that label. I don’t believe the word normal belongs in a sentence that would describe one’s life after loss. Normal doesn’t reflect what is really going on with one’s life at this stage. I do think that you can move through into a new stage of your life. One that can be happy. One that can be fulfilling and rewarding. But normal – I don’t think so. 

Who defines what is normal? 

I know I don’t, probably never have. I can say that with all that has happened to me over these past couple of years, I know that normal is far from what I have experienced. I also know that what I have experienced and what I am continuing to experience is God’s love and grace sufficient to exist in a life that has continued to remain somewhat meaningless to me. Please know that this is not a bad thing, I just see this life as a pathway to the next. I am working hard to do what I need to do to fufill my purpose for where I am right now. But where I am right now maybe not where I will be tomorrow. Remembering that I only have control over right now. Right now, I choose to write about how I feel in hopes that someone else can identify with those feelings and know that they are not alone.

Life does get better.

It does get less painful. And, at times, can be rewarding. I find that in my job, I find purpose. It is when I am alone in my home or alone in my own thoughts that I begin to think about the future and where I see myself  in it. Please know that normal will never be a part of anyone’s life when they have lost a child. Don’t assume that becoming normal again will ever be an option. So much of what I have read from many different parents echoes the same – “life will never be normal” – it just becomes different. I have found that there are so many days that life can be rewarding and fulfilling. I love what I do for a living. It gives me such gratification to know I am helping to shape nurses to be health advocates for those who need one. But I also have an emptiness that resides in my heart and it is unbearable some days. But I don’t let you see it. It’s too painful and I know if you really saw it – you might cry. It’s a place I try not to visit very often. 

As Mother’s Day approaches I feel that uneasiness start to well up inside me. It’s like hearing the rushing water of a white water falls way off in the distance. You find yourself having to stop and listen very carefully to hear it. As it is with grief. It’s calling my name again as it does every October. It’s quite unimaginable that I have had to endure this – seems like a lifetime ago. Yet sometimes it feels like yesterday. As I wonder about my life aimlessly looking for what I am missing – I understand it is her smile, her crazy quirky self and the biggest heart I’ve ever known! 

God has brought me this far.

I know He will continue to keep me in the palm of His hand until it is my turn to return to Him. I have a great deal of faith and a small amount of will. So life is out of balance for me and living a “normal” life just doesn’t seem appropriate. But a new life, one filled with hope for an opportunity to help others is what I know I am meant to do – for now. 

 until next time,

M

Blank Page

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

I wrote this back in 2008 and found it very thought provoking.

“One day you wake up and find your life is like a blank book with no characters and no words just you on every single blank page. It’s the same page after page after page. Blank, lifeless and meaningless. Then one day God reaches down and begins to place pictures and people and a story in your new book of life. But the one thing I haven’t figured out yet it how to feel comfortable. I’m uncomfortable everywhere I go and with everyone I meet. I still have to leave the table when a conversation about everyone’s children and homecoming and prom dresses – how do I get comfortable with this new life. This new book. When all that is around me is reminders of what I lost. People tell me all the time “look how far you have come” or “you took the road less traveled” or “you have so much to offer” – but really at the end of the day, when I’m all alone in my house – it’s the stillness, the emptiness in my life that makes me scream! I don’t like this new skin I live in – I play the part well, but for how long?”

Today I can say that I continue to grieve and live in a space that I did not create. I did not ask for, yet I was given the opportunity to offer hope and instill some level of belief that you can not only survive a loss of a child, but that you can build a life that still has meaning. It does not mean that I still don’t miss my daughter with every fiber of my body. It just means I chose to do something meaningful with the mess.

 

Until next time,

M

Reminders of you

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment



So this week one of Brittany’s friends shared a photo of a new friend that bore a strong resemblance to my Brittany. So strong that it not only impacted her friend, but me as well. I stared at that picture for a while and thinking what are the chances that Brittany created the opportunity for them to meet. I think very strong.

I know Brittany is always near. How do I know? Well I sense her in the environment, who comes and goes into and around my life, and the messages that i get through others. It’s not always apparent and it takes a great deal of openess on my part to stay “tuned into” what is surrounding me. I think the largest factor is where I spend the time to talk to her throughout my day. When I do that, I sense her more.

I see things that are around me that remind me of her and then I talk to her. Then I get an email from a friend giving me advice on the very thing I asked Brittany about. Kinda weird yet oh so cool. It happened a lot in the early days, but as I found ways to avoid thinking of her because the pain was too hard to bare, the less I felt her.

At some point i needed to stop being afraid to think of her and to mourn her so that I could open my eyes to her presence around me. It’s hard yet I want to feel her and have her continue to be present in my life. Not in the way I’d like, but I’ll take whatever I can get at this point.

I miss her more than I can say. That will never change.

Until next time

M

The best hug.

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

I’ve been talking to Brittany a lot these past few weeks. Asking her to help me figure out my purpose. What it is I’m to do. There is so much going on now and feel it’s time to figure out next steps. I’ve wanted to write a book based on this blog and my journey for a while now, but have not been motivated to get it started. Actually I started it years ago and then put it onto the shelf. I keep feeling like I need to pull it down and work on it. So many distractions and it’s hard to find the time. What is the fear? Why am I so hesitant?

So this morning in the early hours, right before my alarm I had the most real like dream about Brittany. I haven’t had one like that in years and it was absolutely wonderful yet the most painful experience. I woke up with the alarm ringing and just wanting to throw it because it interrupted the most beautiful and loving hug from my sweet Brittany.

The dream happened, as it usually does, quick and colorful and very real like. I was walking by a house and a neighbor peeked out her door and waved at me. As I waved back, Brittany peek out of the door and waved at me. I ran so fast to the door opened it up and grabbed her. Gave her the biggest hug and said “Brittany I’ve missed you so much”. She hugged back and said I’m ok mom and I miss you too. Then that damn alarm went off and I burst into tears and cried for a few minutes. I just wanted to go back and close my eyes and continuing hugging her.

I needed that hug and that dream more than ever. I’ve been so lonely without her, more than I could ever say. I know that when I take the time to talk with her and ask for her help, she never disappoints. She came to me in that dream this morning – while it takes my breath away and makes me cry – I am so thankful though for each time she comes to me. It’s not often, but when it does it’s as if it fills me up with love and helps me understand that she is listening to me.

Until next time,

M

 

#grief #dreams #loss

Hope in the midst of tough times.

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

Max Lucado speaks in the second chapter of God Will Carry You Through about Joseph and his story of survival during a time when all had given up on him. All that Joseph had been through he still chose to believe in something bigger. He was ridiculed, forgotten worst, he was sold out by those who he trusted. So when you think of his story, you would think that he had a lot to be sad about. A lot to be hurt by. Yet he preserved and never gave up. Bitterness and hate never got a foothold on Joseph. He held onto his great faith in God that God will rewrite Joseph’s story for good.

Since the death of my daughter, I have often thought about what I could have possibly done in life to deserve such a tragic circumstance as the death of my daughter. My only child. How could I make sense of the death of my 48 year old mother from Breast Cancer just two months before the birth of her granddaughter, my daughter Brittany. How could I make sense of my grandmother dying five years later? None of it made sense really. I just couldn’t think about the big picture anymore, because if I did, I couldn’t help but think I was a bad person.

As I stood firm in my faith and that God would make things right one day, I began to think less about the big picture and more about “what can I do to bring purpose to this loss. All of the losses. What could I do that God could use to turn the evil in my life to good. What I realized was nothing. There was nothing I could do but believe. So I read the bible, listened to various ministers, such as Joyce Meyer and Andy Stanley so that I could build my faith even stronger than it had been before. God would do the rest.

In the eight, almost nine years since the passing of my daughter, I have found that God is using my story, Brittany’s story to help encourage other parents, especially moms (because I can relate) that while this type of pain is relentless and it purses you diligently. There is hope. That God will carry you through it. I cannot explain it, but understand when I say that my faith is how I made it through the first few days, weeks and months. It was the only thing I could hang on to. Now as my grief has matured, so has my faith. That one day God will restore what has been taken from me.

In the meantime, I understand my purpose. Why I am still here. In fact, while sitting in my office the other day, I stared at my daughter’s picture and asked her “remind me why I’m still here”. Later that day, I got the news that a dear friend’s son had passed earlier that day in the morning. Right then I knew Brittany reminded me that while it’s not easy, it is my purpose for the days I have left on this earth to walk in hope and show hope to others who are on this journey of grief with me.

I can only hope that my words can bring a sigh of relief, a soft place to land and a guiding light that hope and faith are the cornerstones of grace. It is in the grace that I receive daily that I move forward each day with a renewed faith and purpose.

Until next time,

M

 

#MaxLucado #griefblessings #grief #lossofachild

 

Follow me @griefblessings on Twitter

Follow my Facebook Page at Unimaginable Grief and Unexpected Blessings

Grief

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

Grief Does Not Lie

Grief writes the pain of the loss onto all the fibers of your body.

Grief speaks from the depths of your soul but often is not heard.

Grief is demanding.

Grief evolves, yet never retreats.

Grief is ugly.

Grief has no filter.

Grief hurts.

Grief is measured by days, weeks, months and years, but rarely can it  be successfully completed on a timeline.

Grief is not exclusive to a demographic.

Grief does not discriminate.

Grief is a process that no one understands, unless you are unfortunate enough to join that club.

Grief has a life long membership.

Grief can be a teacher.

Grief provides a vessel for purpose.

That is what grief is to me.

until next time,

M

 

God Carries Us Through

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

As promised I am beginning a series where I will blog through a book by Max Lucado. It’s called “God Will Carry You Through”. I have been on a mission to find books that I can bump up against my journey after losing my daughter so that hopefully the story, my story layered with thoughts from authored by others, will help someone. It’s been my desire since I started writing that somewhere, somehow, someone finds hope through this blog. And so it begins…..

Chapter One – God Carries Us Through

“You’ll get through this. It won’t be painless. It won’t be quick. But God will use this mess for good. Don’t be foolish or naive. But don’t despair either. With God’s help, you will get through this.”

Wow – when I read this, I initially thought those are hard words to understand when you are in the throes of grief and loss. In fact, some might just be downright offended, mad or pissed. But wait, listen – I know that while these words are hard to swallow, they are absolutely true. Not in a way you may imagine, but so true. You will get through this.

It won’t be painless. God never said we’d go through life without struggles. While I tried not to cringe while reading that and hearing me say it because you know, and I know, some people seem to slide through life without so much as a scrape and some, well they just seem to get hit over and over with life battles. So it won’t be quick. Whether you are a seasoned griever or just beginning this journey, know that somehow, some way, someone will be helped by your journey. I know this to be true.

God will use your mess for good. How do I know and how can I take comfort in that? It’s not always easy nor can I say that every day is good. I have my good days and I also have bad days, very bad days still eight years later. But I also know that through my small network of grief friends, we help each other. Our words often console one another. There are days I just want to scream at people – “you just don’t get it”. But I know my network, you my readers, some of my close friends, they get it. They understand that our connection is more valuable than anything else, except the one we lost. Through their words, their quiet silence, their steadfast dedication, and priceless extension of love, we are able to step forward.

Until next time,

M

Leading a Purposeful Life

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

This morning I awoke to a message and as usual I lay wrestling with it because I don’t want to get up. But the thoughts for this topic raced through my mind and I was forced to pay attention. So at 6 am I am up with coffee in hand to write about how to lead a life that pays tribute to your child in a positive and healthy way. While I know and understand completely the gravity of that statement…..hear me out

Perhaps it is because I have matured in my grief, or perhaps it’s because grief is not new to me, I have faced it many times, or perhaps it’s because it is my purpose or calling; all I know is that when I focus on the life lived by my daughter during her nearly 18 years on this earth, I am so proud of her. I am proud because she taught me things about life I did not see or understand. Perhaps that was her role in life to teach a few of us that very special message. I am a believer that this life we live on earth is not for us to live for our own desires, it is to live, love and support the people in our lives and that cross our paths. To extend our hearts and welcome all regardless of who they are or what they believe. This was Jesus’ message and task He gave us. Yet we struggle with this often.

In the early years of my grief I did not want to live, I wanted to just fade away. I listened to a song by Mary J. Blige called Fade Away from her Growing Pains album. It was released back in 2007 and came at a time in my life where I struggled with living or dying. That is the pain I felt deeply after the loss of my daughter. It was the last straw that I had been dealt and it was punch in the gut to all that I knew and understood about life. I sang that song to the top of my lungs every day – as if I was praying to God and to anyone who would hear me – I just wanted to disappear. Then something changed.

During this time I was very unsettled and couldn’t get comfortable. I know and understand now that was God working in my life to change my desire to fade away. He had a plan for me to bring a message to others about grief and He wasn’t about to let me and my selfishness prevent that. Honestly in looking back at that time and the 18 months after Brittany died, there were times where I made decisions with such clarity it was scary. But now understanding that it was my coping mechanism which was good and bad. I left the house Brittany and I lived in for only a short time (2 years), because I couldn’t walk past her room at night before bed, so I spent 3 months just sleeping on the couch. The house was where she had her seizure and where I saw her slowly slip away before paramedics arrived.

During those early few months after her death, I gave away many of her things. Not because they reminded me of her but because that was the gentle and giving spirt she was. I chose not to memorialize her room but to give to others what they did not have because she told me many times that is what she wanted. Brittany was not always this way. She was very materialistic as a young teenager, but once she went to Costa Rica on a mission trip – all that changed. She wrote often in her journal and poetry about why life was the way it was and how she wanted life for others to be better, for them to see love not hate for themselves or others (especially others that were different from them). Those two years we spent together in that house where the best years of my life. And for that reason, I had to leave that house and Michigan. I just couldn’t walk past her school, the place she loved to go with her friends, and live in that house another minute. I knew my life depended on it.

Now, eight years later, I still struggle with settling down and I want some days to just give everything I have away and start over. But I know that is not the answer. Facing life and honoring my daughter is my purpose. While that is hard to swallow some days, I find if I sit and think about it, I am energized by what I could do for others. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments when I just want to Fade Away like Mary J. Blige sang about, but that is not the answer. It is not what God or my beautiful child would want for me. Instead I am to live a life with purpose and to help those who cannot help themselves. To clear the fog from their thoughts and to make the path of healing possible. It’s not all rosy nor is it easy, nothing is; however I do have a choice, we all do.

Choose to live a life with purpose and make our children smile down on us knowing that we learned from them and we carry that torch now for others.

Until next time,

M

Holidays are over – so why am I still so mad?

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

Each holiday season I pine for January. Since my daughter passed away, I find the holidays to be less than cheerful. So when January arrives, there seems to be a collective sigh of relief that comes. But not so much this year. Now I’m just mad.

I’ve been mad for weeks now. A few weeks ago I found myself out walking and at some point during the walk I’m talking to myself and asking “what is wrong”? Then it hit me and I began to cry. Sobbing for the remainder of my walk and I’m sure had anyone crossed my path they’d have thought I was having a breakdown. Actually what I was having was a breakthrough. I wasn’t sad. I’ve been sad for too long. I was just plain mad.

So when I get mad, I cry – that is how I roll. Then when I cry, I get madder. I’ve spent too much time crying these past 8 years, in fact, I’ve spent many years crying over tragedy after tragedy. After the realization that I was just plain mad, I realized that I am so tired of grieving. It’s worn me down to a place where there is nothing left to grieve. Not sure why now. Why now am I just so mad?

I think it may be in large part because I have battled the good fight of grief and now I’m just pissed. I want to know why me. Why my daughter? And I know I won’t know the answer to this until I’m face-to-face with God – and that does not make me feel any less mad. I’m still mad. I feel beaten down, dragged through the mud and kicked until I can’t breathe. Yeah that is grief. It’s hard, it’s tough and it’s exhausting.

So I pray and I talk to God and I talk to Brittany daily. I ask for help to understand. Because my human brain can no longer make any sense of it. I do know too that I’m too distracted and haven’t done my homework. Reading, writing and prayer – those things have kept me from losing my mind some days. When I stay focused on my faith, my writing and connecting to those who understand what I’ve experienced – well it helps. But even that is exhausting some days. I know it has helped me get to here, but now I feel like I’m at a cross road and need to know what I need to do next. Praying for that guidance is all I can do now.

Until next time,

M

2014 in review

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 5,500 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.