Author: Grief Blessings

Trying to discover why I'm here and where I'm going. Finding out that today is all we have - tomorrow is not guaranteed. So live like today

Wordle

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One of my favorite and meaningful scriptures.

 

Click on the line above and it will take you to a Wordle I created for this scripture. I printed it out for myself to hang up to remind me that I need never forget how I have made it thus far on this journey of grief I didn’t ask for, wouldn’t want to be on, and most of all wished I didn’t have to be on. But I am and I have met some incredible people along the way who have helped me heal, grieved with me, grieved for me when I couldn’t, and I have also met some inspiring parents who, like me, have lost a child too soon. We are all connected by this one tragic event in our lives and I for one am blessed to know them and glad they are in my life today. As our children dance at the feet of Jesus and celebrate his birthday – I am reminded that God only knows why and my job is to listen and love those who surround me.

until next time

m

Happy Thanksgiving

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What Will Matter – Michael Josephson

 Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

 Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.

 So too your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.

 The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won’t matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end. It won’t matter whether you where beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin colour will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but how you gave.

What will matter is not your success, but your significance. What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you are gone.

What will matter are not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved  you. What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.

 

May you all have a blessed and restful Thanksgiving holiday with your family and friends.

 

Malissa

Becoming Real

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Chapter 11 – Becoming Real from Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss by Susan Duke

As I reread and pondered over this chapter again for the umpteenth time I am reminded that it this chapter that made me rethink my journey and I came to terms with some things that were hurting my heart. Duke provides a map, if you will, to how becoming real with her grief and where it was taking her. She allowed us, as readers, to see it possible that it’s ok to feel what you feel, to think what you think, and sometimes you have to make big changes in order to move forward.

I found some of the scriptures she outlined in this chapter to be some of the most validating for me of my feelings and the hurt that permeated my heart. In the scripture below from Job, it was if the words were written by me as it was how I felt for so long after Brittany’s death. I know it was also how I felt when my mother died while I was seven months pregnant with Brittany.

“I go forward, but He is not there,
And backward, but I cannot perceive Him;
When He works on the left hand, I cannot behold Him;
When He turns to the right hand, I cannot see Him.
But He knows the way that I take.”
– Job 23:8 NKJV

I too felt so often in the early days of my grief that God was nowhere to be found. No matter how I often I cried out to Him, it didn’t feel as though He was present. But in my heart I knew He was listening. He showed up in ways that I inspired me. It was in those ways that I was also forced to re-evaluate my life and those present in it. The people God chose to put into my life after Brittany’s death was one of the first pictures of who God became for me. But it was also looking at where I was going in my life and the content for which lived each day – I had to get real. I had to examine what truly mattered and what didn’t. And in doing so, what didn’t matter needed to go.

Some people made it easy because what happened to  me scared them away. It still does today. How do I know? The silence speaks for itself. I will say no more about that. I also took a look at what was inside of my heart. How I felt on the inside was not always what you would see on the outside. I kept it quiet. Because I didn’t want to “bother” anyone with my pain. Sometimes it was because I could see from their body language or the look on their faces that they were uncomfortable with the topic. Little did I know that pushing all that pain down and away – delayed my journey. I got stuck.

I slowly began to say what was true. I stopped saying “I am ok” or “I’m fine” and began to say “today’s a rough day” or “it’s so hard today” and after that change the picture began to unfold in front me who in my life who stay and who would go. Duke experienced it. Job experienced. I’m sure anyone of you who read this blog have experienced it. It brings a lot of clarity to your life. One thing I learned is that you can’t please everyone. You cannot explain every day that you have a bad day and everyone will understand. They won’t. Grief belongs to those who are experiencing it. While I may have lost a daughter, I cannot understand another mother’s grief after losing her daughter, but I can know to  be present for them. To not be afraid of connecting with her. It is what we all need. To  be connected and not alone.

“Some who grieve chance internalizing their grief deep within rather than facing the disappointing truth that most of their friends and acquaintances don’t really want to be bothered with their sorrow. In these kinds of relationships, a hush keeps grief tucked away so no one will be uncomfortable. What’s the problem with a relationship like that, you might ask? – It’s not real.” (2006 Duke)

Once I read the paragraph above I came to realize I too had experienced this and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. Like Duke I felt people wanted the “ole me” back and I understood that to be impossible. I was forever changed the moment I said “stop CPR” and said goodbye to the only thing that mattered to me. I was never going to be who I was. I was becoming real with what had happened. For me, like Duke, grief has changed every aspect of my relationships and every part of my life.

In closing I would challenge you all to become real and transparent. As you do, you will come to understand what is most important in life. All the fluff will fall away and what remains is at the core of who you are. Treasure that and move forward embracing life and all the while honoring your loved one. That is what I know my daughter would want for me and would expect from me. That is a lesson she taught me and Duke solidified in her book.

until next time,

m
 

 

 

Blessings

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Today’s message from Andy Stanley is part of a series called “When God?” I find these messages always seem to come this time of year when I am in reflection and need a reminder of although it might appear God isn’t answering me, or listening to me, He is giving me something you cannot buy or wish and that is GRACE.
 
As I end a 4 day time of reflection of what I have lost I am also reminded about the magnitude of Grace that God has bestowed upon me over the years to keep moving forward. It’s not always easy, but through my trials and losses, God is raised up as it is He who lifts me up each and every day. – my post on Facebook and Twitter today

http://www.buckheadchurch.org/messages – link to get to the messages if you are interested.

 

A very special song from Laura Story – Blessings that touched my heart.

It is my wish for each one of  you who follow my blog and find yourself wondering “When God?” – this song is for you and the messages from Andy Stanley may be just what you need to hear.

until next time,

m

 

 

Gethsemane’s Garden

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Chapter 10 from Grieving Forward –  Embracing Life Beyond Loss by Susan Duke

One of my most favorite stories in the bible is the story of the Garden of Gethsemane. You might think that it is odd that one would like this story, but it has an uncanny parallel to how I felt and at times still do. My journey over the past five years since Brittany died has been the most tragic, sorrowful, painful but on the other hand, its been joyful, filled with gratitude and thankfulness.

The story of Jesus and his experience with his disciples during the last hours of his life resonated with me as it played on through the words of Matthew. The Garden of Gethsemane is where Jesus felt such sorrow and grief. Where he spent time with God reconciling his life and understanding the outcome that was before him. He also found out what loneliness is and how it comes with grief like a dark cloak that covers your body. It would seem as though you become invisible to those around you. That the grief you carry is only seen or felt by  you alone. 

Time after time, in the garden Jesus anguished to his Father and to his disciples. His disciples all but ignored him. Falling asleep even though Jesus had asked them to pray for him. When I wrote about the garden before it was from a different perspective. I saw the disciples and their disconnect from Jesus as a similarity to something I was experiencing early on after Brittany died. I felt as if I was grieving and my heart breaking and I felt so alone. I talked to God constantly and asked repeatedly why – why me – why her – why now. The silence was deafening.

But now as I have matured in my grief and I have come to understand it better and I have learned to give it the respect it demands. Duke speaks of the power of acceptance. Takes a long time to get there in my opinion. But I do believe with a strong faith and a great support network it is possible. My loss has so many different facets to it. The grief started when Brittany was first diagnosed with Epilepsy and Crohn’s Disease. You grieve the loss of having a child that is normal. You come to accept life will  be different. But when you lose a child suddenly with little warning – its unspeakable the damage it leaves behind. I can only compare it to the worst train wreck, or earthquake and the devastation it leaves behind. Nothing makes sense, life seems unreal and you can’t figure out what to do next.

It is and always will be my faith that carries me through this journey. And I say through, because you don’t ever, ever get over this. You just get through it. God gives me just enough to move forward every day and it is possible to see joy and love life again. It’s just missing a small piece – just enough to make it a little uncomfortable. That is where I am today. Feels uncomfortable and at some level broken; but through those tiny cracks is the ray of hope, faith and grace that God bestows on me each and every day. For that I am grateful.

Until next time

m

It’s been a while….

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I have been so busy these past few weeks with work and school that I haven’t had the time to write. And that explains why my heart is heavy. Writing these  past few years has been so healing for me, and now that I’ve been away from it – I can tell it’s been awhile. So I will write – but please know when I do it’s a good thing even while the topic may be heartbreaking and words may sting – it is healing.

Part III – Chapter 9 – God’s Night Light

from Grieving Forward Embracing Life Beyond Loss by Susan Duke

By his light I walked through darkness – Job 29:3

Susan talks about the light of God and how he gives you enough lite to move forward even though it feels you are going backwards in your grief. I felt that often during the early months and first year after Brittany’s death. It seemed so dark at times, I wasn’t sure I would ever see light again. My life seemed empty and my heart heavy – I became so very tired of the dark. Now the dark only comes during October and it lasts until January. I have to reach way down during these months and put myself in the hands of God because I cannot do this alone.

During the dark night of your soul there will be moments when God strikes a match and rekindles your hope. Through your darkened corridors of grief He lights a candle to renew your faith and show you He is there. In the early stages of grief, when your view is clouded with sorrow and you long to take giant steps into His healing light, God is depositing eternal treasures within your heart. – (page 98 – Susan Duke)

The above passage is one of my favorites from the book as she so eloquently describes my path. Although in the early months and years I wasn’t able to see that light, I came to know God was working on me to keep moving one foot in front of the other. To remind me that although my greatest treasure was just taken from me, that I had a purpose. That I was here for a reason. But I still needed a light to find my way.

So now I am entering the what I call the dark times. The time where I am constantly reminded of the gravity of my loss. The lingering effects of my loss and the value of life that I still carry. October 13th will be the 5th year since Brittany’s death. Does this, all this mess, get any easier – maybe – just a little. October is October and I doubt that I’ll ever be glad to see it again. November isn’t much better as the holiday season begins and I see moms and their daughters at the mall doing the things I should be doing with my Brittany and all the pain, the sorrow and the grief flood the gates of my heart again and again. Till I have nothing left.

Her birthday, Christmas and New Year’s – they all bring wonderful memories. But they also bring a longing for her that I will never again know. To hear her laugh and to feel her hug – that is the worst feeling. That kind of emptiness is indescribable. So yeah, this time of year is what I call the dark times and although I try very hard to roll with the holidays, I really just want to crawl up into a ball and sleep until January. But instead I have to crawl up into the lap of Jesus and let him comfort me. It was the best advice someone gave me when I was at the bottom of my despair two years ago.

So if you know me, light a candle on October 13th and say a prayer that God will show me that light. If you know anyone who grieves over the loss of their loved one, especially a child. Light a candle for them and pray that God shows them the light. It is that light that clears the way down the path of grief into the light of hope.

until next time

m

9/11

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I remember clearly where I was when the attack happened on the first tower. It was my day off and I was doing one of the things I loved to do on my day off – drink coffee and watch the Today show. As I sat on the couch watching that morning and hearing that perhaps a prop plane had hit the building. And then the 2nd plane hit….it sent chills up my spine. I distinctively understood that this event was going to change our world. And it has.

The many hours of coverage that day was hard to watch, hard to imagine was happening and broke my heart over and over for those who could not get out. The first responders who tried to save those in peril, who risked their lives to assist. The graphic photos and film depicts the violence that occurred that day. People running all around not knowing what to do, or what just happened. Those of us who sat and watched on television – in disbelief as what had just occurred and for a feeling of helplessness.

It is times like 9/11 that have reminded us just how fortunate we are to live in a country where when something so tragic happened to our fellow citizens, we arose as a nation and stood along the side of the many families and friends who lost loved ones, our government and said to the world “we are a united nation and we will not tolerate this type of attack” “this will not defeat us – it will only make us stronger”.

What I want to convey in this message today is that while the tributes are wonderful and touching, it is the day-to-day life that remains a heavy burden on those left behind. The grief continues long after will forever remain the “brick” that we carry in our pocket. A constant reminder of the gravity of our losses, no matter when the loss occurred or how, grief will always remain.

So to the families that lost a loved one on 9/11 – I stand with you as a sister in grief. This has  become part of who we are and we take it with us, not to continually mourn, but to serve as a reminder that our loss, our sorrow, our pain continues long after the memorials, tributes and services. But what also continues, it what is most important – the memories of our loved ones, the faith that carries us and the strength we get from others.

until next time,

m

 

Memories

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Continuing my blog series through the book “Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss” by Susan Duke.

Chapter 8 – Memories

Initially when I first read this chapter I wasn’t sure just how to break it down into a process I could agree with. For me in the early weeks and months after my daughter’s death – it was the memories that made me cry, wail and just plain fall to the floor in agony – my heart filled with such gut-wrenching grief.

It has been a process over the past four years to come to a place where memories are a source of comfort most of the time. I can now watch video of Brittany and not look away and sob uncontrollably. Interestingly enough in the early days I could watch the videos feeling somewhat numb – tears didn’t fall – laughter didn’t happen – it was just a numbness that washed over me. Then the tears fell and the pain so profound, I had to stop looking at her memory book, stop looking at her videos. I found that when my eyes found her picture that sits in my living room, I’d briefly stop and then my eyes would divert – just too painful to go there.

I have come to now appreciate the many videos and pictures I have collected over the years. I believe God gives us these memories to bath our wounded hearts but you have to be ready and open to receive the grace that God gives you to be able to see that. And that doesn’t come easily nor does it come quickly. It’s a process that takes it’s own unique time to happen. Our part is to  be open and receive it.

In the book I highlighted a few sentences that became the words I held onto when I didn’t want to remember because it was too painful. “Memories are a vital part of our healing” (2006 Duke). But as Duke eludes to memories you cannot hug. I remember reading that for the first time and I think I may have cried for hours. Where I was at that moment was angry that I could no longer experience hugging my daughter. It was devastating to me. Some of my most difficult times have been surrounded by a memory that floods into my mind. I’ve learned how to manage those times over the years, but there are times when it still is difficult to linger for very long.

I would never trade any of my memories or times that I shared with Brittany. They are now a place I can go and have a proud feeling in my heart that I had such a great gift given to me by God to  be a mother, Brittany’s mother for nearly 18 years. I was truly blessed. That is how I have to see it going forward in order to keep from losing it every time I speak of her or think of her. I want those memories to bring me some joy not sorrow. I’m so very weary of the sorrow.

I will close with a scripture passage Susan Duke ends her chapter with as it is so very appropriate.

“Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things….Think about all  you can praise God for and be glad about.” – Philippians 4:8 TLB

So for me I remember my lovely Brittany and dwell on the good things and I praise God that I was able to experience that time and happy to have had her in my life even for such a short time. She made me a better person. She had a huge impact on the people she loved and her love lives on in them today.

until next time,

m

Coping with special occasions

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Chapter 7 from Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss by Susan Duke

I’m actually passing some of the material in this chapter as I’ve visited the topic of gifts many times before. Decided I’d review something I believe is so very important for a grieving parent. A topic Duke talks about mid way through this chapter – dealing with special occasions. I think it continues to be a very source of anxiety for me even after nearly five years since Brittany’s death. The longing for things to be as they were and knowing they cannot be is often so painful that there have been times I just wanted to sleep through them.

I’m about to enter what I call the dark days again…..they just keep returning each each around September and stay until New Years. It’s a time of great memories and great heartache. Some days the memories are so profound and magical that I find myself so thankful I can recall them. Then there are days when the memories are so hard to handle. Duke relates so well to this issue that she states “Even years after our loss, despite how much healing has occurred in our lives, certain events often make us wish we could cancel these dates from the rest of our lives.” I too feel that way – still today.

There are things we can do to help ourselves and others during these times and I would encourage you all to be mindful that the holidays are the worst time for those who have lost loved ones. It can be a lonely time. And it can remain that way for a very long time.

While attending Grace Community Church in Indianapolis, I enjoyed the Remembrance Service the church put on each fall to help remember those loved ones that had gone on to Heaven before us. It was a bonding experience with those, like me, who had to deal with the on-going pain of the upcoming holiday season. I will  miss that this year. Now I find myself having to find another way to release that memory, that pain for it overshadows everything I do during the holidays.

Making new memories has been hard for me, moving back to Indy helped me reconnect with family that I had lost touch with over the many years of being away. Now I find myself in a new city, facing this holiday with an uncertain plan. I must however have a plan. It’s so important for me to ensure my ability to make new memories, while respecting my past life with Brittany. It’s a delicate balance and one that I can’t afford to be without.

It is so important to bring a season of celebration and love from the one who has been lost because it marks the blessing that enriched your life for a different season in your life. Creating a sense of celebration and new traditions allows you to incorporate the blessings of the old life with the blessings of the new life.

Some of the traditions I have today are from the great woman who raised me. I choose to light a candle for Brittany on her birthday. I eat macaroni and cheese because it was her favorite food. I wear the dog tags that were made by her friends for her Celebration of Life for the month of October and her “Brittany” bracelet for the month of November, her birth month. For Christmas I hang a special ornament or two just in memory of Brittany.

It’s all bittersweet sometimes and I have to allow the tears to fall. But I would never, ever trade one day of those memories of my life with her. It’s the days without her that are at some times unbearable, but it’s those moments with her wonderful smile or her funny wit that I am reminded of a beautiful spirit that surrounds me everyday and that spirit is my daughter.

until next time

m

The Quiet Silence

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Continuing my blogging series with “Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss by Susan Duke

Chapter 6: Beyond The Casserole

People may excite themselves in a glow of compassion, not by toasting their feet at the fire and saying, “Lord, teach  me more compassion,” but by going and seeking an object that needs compassion. – Henry Ward Beecher

This chapter was a tough one to re-read as it reminded me of the great pain that occurred after my daughter’s death – a pain I didn’t see coming. I renamed the chapter for it was the “Quiet Silence” that broke my heart over and over in the months after Brittany’s death.

The quiet silence came after my family went back to Indiana and other various places. Friends stopped coming by and life went on. My reality was that life wasn’t going on. I felt I was suspended in a place I could not get out of. My life that I knew was no more. It died at 6:55 am on October 13th and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say and I certainly didn’t know how I was to go on.

What I was left with was a pile of sympathy cards, Tupperware dishes from the food that people brought by in the days after her funeral. I often sat in my loneliness reading those cards over and over again. I needed to hear it was going to be alright. That I was going to be able to breathe again. That I would be able to get up in the morning and be glad that I woke up. It was a dreadful time. And I felt so alone.

I noticed early on, like Susan, that people avoided me. I felt as though I had the plague. What I thought I needed so desperately was someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be ok. To just have a hug would have been so helpful. I know that people didn’t know what to say to me. In most grief books, it’s one of the most challenging themes – people just don’t know what to say, so they say nothing.

I went to church and did my best to move on as if nothing happened. Sometimes I could pull it off and other times, I had to leave the church in tears – the grief so overwhelming and the loneliness unbearable. I had a few good friends at church. Over time one family in particular came to my rescue more than once. Invited me to sit with them every Sunday up front. It was a nice change because just finding a “new” place to sit became stressful. Moving away from the “usual” place Brittany and I used to sit. I just couldn’t stay in that same place.

My friends outside of church, the usual circle of friends broke wide open. I was hurt most of all by that. I know now they didn’t feel comfortable being around me because they didn’t know what to do or say. But at the time – it was devastating to me. I remember one friend saying “you reminded me of what could happen to me”. It was during those first few weeks that I turned my full attention to God and his word. It was the only source of comfort I could find.

I finally was able to go back to work after three weeks. I had an incredible boss and a great group of work friends who supported me often. They brought food, cards, money and the thing I needed most – time. Many donated PTO “paid time off” to me so I could remain off for as long as I needed. Then one day I knew it was time to go back to work. I needed a distraction from the four walls at home. My boss, who I’m sure to this day, doesn’t know the true impact of what she and my co-workers did for me, despite my telling them many times.

My boss said to me “even if you work one hour and then have to go home, that’s progress”. So the first few days were tough. I didn’t make it much longer than an hour the first day. Then as the days and weeks wore on I had returned to a full day and it felt good. There were times though that I had to stop and take a moment to regain my composure, especially when I’d see a teenage girl or someone or something that would remind me of Brittany.

One of the true lessons I learned from this experience is that the quiet silence that a grieving parent or anyone who grieves feels after a loss can be devastating and can prevent them from taking that first step out in faith to reach out and say “I need to talk” or “I just need someone to come and be with me.” I beg of you who read this that if you ever have to befriend anyone who is in the midst of a loss – go to them. Be with them and hug them, comfort them and most of all show them compassion.

Susan wrote “acknowledgement is priceless. When we are grieving, we don’t know how to ask for help. We don’t know what we need. We wait in silence, knowing friends are giving us time, but wondering if friendship will endure now that grief has changed our lives.” This is exactly how I felt and what I experienced. Even from my own family.

I was fortunate to have a few friends that have remained so close to my heart for it was their continued compassion for years after Brittany’s death that gave me the strength to endure. More than they could ever know. They acknowledged my pain by validating me. It was that acknowledgment that I came to know as grace. I know I wrote them letters and talked to them by phone many a time. But honestly I don’t think I could have ever told them in words how much their investment in me meant. So I pray that God gives them grace and an abundance over their lives.

At the end of the chapter Susan talks about life moving on. The guilt that is felt in the beginning when you do move on. That happened to me as well. Now after nearly five years – I can go on and do things without guilt. But it’s in the quiet moments when I look to long at her picture or watch her video that I still feel the sting of grief and I can only ask God to take it away from me. The loss my dear friends is still profound. It’s still just as painful. I have just learned to live with it and to accept God’s grace in the midst.

until next time

m