Author: Grief Blessings

Trying to discover why I'm here and where I'm going. Finding out that today is all we have - tomorrow is not guaranteed. So live like today

The Final Chapter

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Chapter 15 = Heritage in a Graveyard

This is the last chapter in the book by Jerry Sittser “A Grace Disguised”. As I reflect on this chapter I am reminded of the amount of Grace that God has extended me these past 4 years since Brittany’s death. And it is in those moments of Grace that I have been able to keep going and to realize that although I have endured a great loss and lived with many losses, I live today knowing I am a survivor.

In this final chapter Sittser writes about taking his children to the cemetery for a stroll to see the burial-place of his mom and wife, their mother and grandmother and their sibling who parished in the auto accident. For those of you close to me you know I’m not a fan of cemeteries.

Over the past 20+ years, I can recall going to my mother’s maybe 3-4 times. I find it very difficult to go there. Actually in all honesty I find it unbearable to go there. I can recall two times, other than the day of her burial, that I went to see her burial site and to take flowers. Once it was with Brittany, perhaps she was somewhere around 10-12 years old. I didnt’ want to get out of the car. I pointed out in the direction and told her to go and I’d wait in the car. So off she went and then I felt bad for doing that so I got out of the car and went over to her.

She was just staring at her headstone, as if she didn’t know what to do. Then I got down on my knees and wept – I missed my mom so badly and I think it was then that Brittany understood what loss looked like and how much the relationship between mother and daughter meant. I got back up and dusted myself off, as I always do when I’m in pain, took her by the hand and left. I didn’t return again until a few years ago with my niece Devon.

Devon and I went to the cemetery one day and I got out of the car and found it to be much easier this time. Perhaps the sorrow that fills my heart today from Brittany’s death has made things like walking up to my mother’s grave easier. We cleaned off the headstone, which is still a sore spot with my family, it bares the name of her short-lived marriage and not our last name. Devon and I placed flowers there and spent a few moments in quiet. Then left. I never want to go back.

For me it is a place of sadness and a place that reminds me all too well of how much I have lost in my life. This feeling is why Brittany is not buried. Her father and I chose to cremate her and she is with me today. For me it’s just better. I don’t have to go to a burial site to see her – which has always been a hard thing for me to do. It would seem less painful.

1-1/2 ago my aunt passed away and for the first time I returned to a cemetery where some of my family is buried. As I stood over my great-grandfather and great-grandmother’s graves, I was reminded of good times, but such sadness overwhelmed me that I had to turn away and walk towards the car. My uncle in fast pursuit as he knows, probably better than most, that death is devastating to me no matter how long it has passed.

Going to a cemetery is a painful reminder for what has passed no matter whose buried there or not. It’s a symbol of loss, pain and devastating grief and so I choose not to go again. I have enough reminders as I look around the room at my daughter’s pictures – I don’t need more. I honor my families memories in my own mind and in my picture albums. That is how I best respect that life. It works for me.

Sittser reflects about his thoughts on his own heritage and his role and for me he nails it here in this passage:

“Heritage has always been important to me, but never more than in the last three years. Much of who I am is a product of the heritage given me at my birth. My story is part of a much larger story that I did not choose. I was assigned a role for which I did not audition. Yet I have the power to choose how I will live out that story and play that role. I want to live my story well and play my role with as much integrity and joy as I can.” – Jerry Sittser

I couldn’t have said it better myself. That my friends is why I continue to grow in my faith, accept God’s grace to move on and continue my story. But know I will always have that pain, that sorrow, that hole in the space where Brittany lived. And some days will always be harder than others. So as Mother’s Day approaches, please pray for grace because this holiday is one of the toughest I live through each and every year.

Until next time

m

The Cloud of Witnesses

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Chapter 14: The Cloud of Witnesses
From: A Grace Disguised
By: Jerry Sittser

My series is about to wind down and I feel like I have distanced myself a bit from my blog because I have entered a part of the book that leaves me somewhat unsettled within my own spirit.

This chapter offers a quick reminder to me of the many parts people have played in my survival these past few years. Like the author I have taken great comfort in many ways to people who have come and gone before me, yet suffered a great loss – but still believed that our God is an awesome God.

Take Job for instance. I’ve written about Job so many times in this blog over the many years and still to this day – his story, his loss, his experience – is one of the most impactful stories I’ve read. For the most part it was knowing what it was like to lose everything, imagining his pain, asking the same questions he did of God, and enduring many hours of anguish over the unanswered “why”. Walking away with no answers to my questions, pain still very present, yet still believing, as Job, that God is in control.

Then there has been music. Music plays a key role in my spiritual journey. It always has and I imagine it always will. Not all of it is faith-based, yet the stories they tell have been so parallel to what I felt or still feel about my life to this day.

One of the first artists I came to know is Ginny Owens. Her song “If you want me to” was playing on the radio one day while I was driving home to house I lived in with my daughter. I struggled daily to go home, because for me it was no longer a home. It was a painful reminder every day when I drove in the drive way the magnitude of my loss.

When I heard this song, I knew from that moment I would survive but I also knew it wouldn’t be easy.

Then there were songs that spoke the words I felt so many times, yet afraid to speak.

This song by Mary J Blige really spoke those words for me…..

Finally one of the songs that inspired me to see her in person because it was after I heard this song, I knew my future would be ok.

Over the past few years so many of my dear friends, family and sometimes even strangers have been my “Cloud of Witnesses” as well. At the end of the day the one thing I know for sure is that my life here on this earth will be short compared to the life I’ll have in Heaven. So I have to make the best of the life I have here so I can take as many of you with me as I can.

So now I join the “Cloud of Witnesses” for those who will come after me – to continue to keep the light on God and the focus on life and the purpose we have to live the best life God made us to have.

until next time,

m

A Community of Brokenness

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Chapter 13 – A Community of Brokenness
by – Jerry Sitser

My viewpoint of this authors words and experience in comparison to my loss and my life. Nothing more…..

I could seriously stop after the first paragraph because it is where I am today and where I appear to be stuck. You see when you have lost, you have lost hard, lost much, lost hope, lost love, lost joy, lost self. So when the author says “Loss is also a solitary experience. …like physical pain, we know it is real only because we experience it uniquely within ourselves. When a person says, ‘You just don’t know what I have gone through and how much I have suffered,’ we must acknowledge that he or she is entirely correct. We do not know and cannot know.”

For me that is one of the hardest things to understand both from the griever’s perspective and the very people who try to help. I find myself getting very irritated when someone “assumes” they know my pain. They cannot. Loss is so unique to each and every person. It begins way before the loss and flows through into the loss and breaks open after the loss and sometimes, the pieces are hard to put back together.

I find it hard to explain that this is something I have to face alone. Because I experienced my loss alone. It was mine to experience, not that I wanted it, but it was mine. I know it well, I’ve experienced numerous times, each uniquely different and devastating in their own ways. There is though a fine line between working through the loss alone and being alone. But it’s in the finding of the right people to be alone with that creates much angst for me.

Sharing my pain, my loss, my experience is hard to do. I find it makes me uncomfortable to have people share in what I find revolting to experience. Why on earth would I want to share it. I don’t even want it. But over the years I have shared it and I still find it uncomfortable, in fact, sometimes it’s  harder to face.

Interestingly enough people have helped me more than I could ever have imagined. Came to my rescue when I was at the bottom of my pain and lifted me up. My family came when I needed them. A few people knew instinctively when to call and when to just “show up” at the door. Those were the times when, as I look back, were the most critical to my recovery during those early months.

But there were others in my life that chose to stay away. I imagine for various reasons, I mean really why would you want to face mortality in the face of people you love while you watch them react to the very thing you don’t want to think about. As a griever you feel like you have “leprosy” as the people begin to stay away. Fall out of your life – creating more loss – more pain. Not intentional by any means, but the damage is staggering.

The community of brokenness comes from so many sources during times of loss. Loss is universal as Sittser explains. It happens. It’s inevitable. I know my community came from some unlikely sources and from places I didn’t expect. Some come because they have lost something at some point. Some come and go and stay just long enough to make  a difference. I felt a sense of calm much like the eye of a hurricane. Just hanging on the edge of insanity – life out of control and just waiting for me to burst.

I’m thankful for that community who chose to serve and stand by me during that time. I couldn’t have made it through those early months and years without them. But now I find I’m back in familiar, yet unwanted territory. You see my friends, my loss of Brittany left me blind-sided. It took the wind out of my sails. It blew a hole so large in my life that I felt the value of my life had been sucked out and into the hurricane of grief. That feeling is still present today. It wanes. It pounds. It crashes.

Sittser touches on a subject very close to my heart and that is this….the fear of loss again creates a dilemma for him and it does for me. The problem of choosing to love again is that the choice of love means living under the constant threat of further loss. And that is where I stand today. I can’t seem to move beyond that space. You know that space I’ve written about before.

“The space where I exist and the space where I want to be is paper thin.” – Malissa Moss

I feel I’m at a crossroads so to speak with moving forward or remaining frozen in time without hope. I know in mind that love is good. But my reality is I know love is loss.

I can read all day, Sittser reminds me of so many things I try very hard to believe, to live, to embrace – loss increases our capacity to love says Sittser, but it also increases the sorrow and suffering when loss happens again, and it will. Choosing to love again brings me such anxiety as I know it will also bring loss and more grief. I am not so sure I am ready for that. But I also know I am human and need love to survive.

until next time,

m

Does Death Have The Final Word?

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Chapter 12 – Life has the final word – “A Grace Disguised” by Jerry Sittser

As I read this chapter again this morning in preparing for this post I was taken back to a place that brought a wall of sorrow into my heart and I cried uncontrollably as I read the words Sittser used to describe his thoughts on death, hope and faith.

I don’t think there has been any other book that has moved me like Sittser’s book “A Grace Disguised”. I believe it is because he understands what I know to be true about grief and the journey it takes you on. That through his words, I am relieved to know that what I feel, think and breathe, is normal. Normal for a person who believes in God, believes that Jesus died for our sins so that we might have eternal life. Yet in the midst of loss, a profound loss, the murky waters of grief cloud our judgment, thoughts and decisions and can even keep us from moving forward.

On the first page, Sittser speaks about how he and his remaining children sit to read the Bible together as family. One night they were reading about how Peter raised Dorcas from the dead. In reading this story with his children, the pain of “why didn’t God raise our loved ones” becomes very evident and brought me to face my own questions about “why”. His children were gripped with grief and cried out to their dad “why did God allow mommy to die” “why didn’t God do that for us?” “Why doesn’t God care about us?”. I too have asked those very same questions.

It was in that moment that the author realized he could not protect his children from the truth that death is the greatest enemy we have on earth. Acceptance of our own mortality can be so difficult. I know it was for me. I never even thought of my own mortality until my daughter was born. I found myself worrying what will she do if I die? Who will care for her? Then after her death, I found myself not really caring about my mortality. For me life looked differently and the game changed on October 13th, 2006.

I spent many hours over the last several years, and still do from time to time, wanting to reverse what happened and have my old life back. Because that meant Brittany would be here today with me. But as Sittser eludes to in this chapter, death will always come back. People we love will die sometime. And maybe that death might be worse than the one they experienced. I found no comfort in that. Justsayin.

But what I do find comfort in is the pure and simple truth that in my faith, the faith that Jesus is my Lord and Saviour and that he lived a mortal life, he died on the cross at the hands of men, then rose to life to walk amongst men and then ascended into Heaven to live an eternal life. Sittser addresses some of the worldly religions and skepticism that this brings, but I, like Sittser choose to believe that this story of Jesus is real.

When you look at the account of how the disciples mourned for Jesus and how they were overwhelmed by grief, so much so, that they feared for their own lives. Yet when they saw Jesus after the resurrection, they were moved to believe that death was not the end. And this my friends is how this mother, me, a child of God, gets through each and every day. This story gives me hope. The kind of hope that sets me straight when I think I can barely go on another minute in this life. It’s the kind of hope that shows me mercy, joy and let’s the sun shine through my very cloudy life.

As Easter approaches I find Good Friday looks a lot different to me than it has my entire christian life. I feel the pain of Jesus’ death and the sorrow of his disciples and his mother, Mary, more than I could possibly tell you. In recent years at Grace Community Church in Noblesville, IN., I found Good Friday services touched my heart in a way I cannot describe without falling to my knees. For I know that type of pain as I touched the cross, the pain of loss that is significant and personal. When I reached out to touch that cross lying on the floor it was as if I had been there. Experienced the death at that moment. And then there is the hope. The hope of the resurrection. Easter is, for me, the best holiday of all. It is the message of life – that life wins – that death does not have the final word.

Lastly, Sittser speaks of leading a life of ambivalence. Where hope and sorrow live together but not always harmoniously as we would think. There are times where even the largest amount of hope still outweighs the smallest amount of sorrow. And it is in those times, when I struggle the most. Like Sittser, I too have moments still when the sorrow washes over me and I find it hard to believe in anything.

This chapter really helped me focus on my faith and the foundation of that faith and the need to stay on course. For when I stagger and lose my footing, I lose ground and I don’t want to be here. For when I have hope and I keep that hope at the forefront of my life – I can go on knowing there is a purpose for me to be here – now where I am and that I will once again see my lovely daughter Brittany as she waits for me at the gates of Heaven when it is my turn to join her. Until then, I will continue to work diligently on walking the fine line of my grief journey.

until next time,

m

The Absence of God

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Chapter 11 – The Absence of God by Jerry Sittser

“I yelled at God to acknowledge my suffering and to take responsibility for it, but all I heard was the lonely echo of my own voice.” – Jerry Sittser

For as long as I can remember I have believed in God’s existence. Surrounded by family members who believed in God, lived a Godly life and seemed content where they were in their lives. On the other hand I was also surrounded by people who would abuse, hurt and abandon me. For me my view about God was that He was God and He created me and that was about it.

I remember thinking when  I moved to Dallas in the early 80’s that something profound was missing from my life. So I set out to find whatever that was and in the end it was God. Even more significant was my awareness of God and what He wanted me to do. I became involved with my local church.

After getting married and moving to another church I began to teach Sunday school. I think now in looking back to that time, it was just a superficial relationship with God that I had. It was until my mother’s untimely death at the age of 48 did I begin to wrestle with the idea that God was real to me. I spent many hours, days and months thinking that God existed, but chose not to be present in my life.

My thoughts about God were for others, for how could the God I had come to know, the one who was held to the most high, the one who created the heavens and the earth, let such horrible things happen to me. It was my mother’s death that threw me into a downward spiral about who I was, who God was and what my future might hold.

Sittser writes about his thoughts on God and who he is and who he was. He gets into so very interesting, yet theological viewpoints that go beyond what I have to say here. For me it’s simple. I have to keep it simple. For when you have suffered much, your thoughts can take you to some very dark places.

I can’t rationalize why my mother was taken so early, during a time when I needed her most. Seven months pregnant with my first and only child. I wrestled with my faith daily. Quietly I would sit in the empty nursery rocking in my chair and asking God “why me?” He remained quiet.

 I battled and fought for my faith for five years until I realized that I would not get the answer I was looking for. That God wouldn’t come to me and say “Malissa, I took your mother because……” God doesn’t work that way. But one night, I had a dream about my mother. She was standing at the end of my bed looking at me. What is crazy is that at the time I was collecting Wizard of Oz items. So in God’s great humor my mom was dressed as Dorothy. I still think about that and laugh because it’s absolutely ridiculous, but true. In that dream, she said to let it go.

I believe that God sends us messages in ways that we will listen. For me I was so wrapped up with school, raising my daughter who had just been diagnosed with epilepsy and struggling to keep up with life. There was so much “noise” going on I’m certain I would have just not paid any attention to anything that was said to me.

At that moment I chose to listen and let my pain and anguish go. I stopped asking “why” and began to have “faith”. That doesn’t mean it was easy. For the next 10 years were far from easy. I daily prayed for things to be easier, but they were not. It wasn’t an easy life, caring for a child with a life-long disease. A marriage that was in turmoil and beginning a new career in nursing.

When Brittany was in the last weeks of her life, I found myself on my knees often praying why again does she have to suffer, why do we as a family have to endure another round of illness. Little did I know at that moment that my question would change two weeks later to “why God did you have to take her” and at some point I asked “why did you let her die”. Today I choose to believe it was her time to go. I have to believe that. Anything else would make me go insane. I could easily go to the place where I think of all the reasons she could have lived had people done what was right. I can’t do that for when I do – I lose ground.

My soul was very restless then and it is today. My faith in God is stronger than ever, but my resilience to life has diminished as I have become tired of the battles. Not much has been easy for me. I stopped asking “why me” because the answers never came. I now find myself asking “what can I do” what should I do” and still because of all the noise I cannot hear. Finding my way through the noise to find a quiet place is my job now.

Faith to me is the greatest gift God has given me. It has ebbed and flowed throughout my entire life. It is my faith that allows me to still see blessings that come into my life. I can still stop and view the beauty of nature and know God is good. It is a choice I make each and every day to get up and start again because of my faith.

until next time

m

Forgive and Remember

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I have been away from writing for three weeks now as I’ve had some life changing moments to get through. Now I will return to the book “A grace disguised” by Jerry Sittser and proceed to look at the various ways a grieving soul moves through the journey after a loss.

Chapter 10 – Forgive and Remember

Perhaps my avoidance of this chapter indicates that I still am in the process of forgiving the people who were involved with my daughter’s care during the  months prior to her death. I have come to know that forgiveness is a process just like grieving. It takes time and you take steps backwards and sometimes you just can’t move. It has been for in those moments I have had to cling to God. But as you will find out later, forgiveness or the lack thereof, isn’t easy, nor is it a one-time deal.

Sittser talks about those of us who have experienced a loss, tragic, random or premeditated look to  have revenge or justice in order to feel that our loss has been heard. I can remember there have been so  many times in  my life that I have chosen not to forgive. And because of that I suffered more. The relationships that were involved were broken and have remained broken to this day. Despite finally forgiving those who have hurt me over the many years – it came too late for save the relationship.

Shortly after Brittany’s death I was struggling with how I felt about the medical professionals who were involved with Brittany’s care. I was angry at them because I felt they gave up on  her. Not once did I, her mother, ever give up on her. But they didn’t seem to care or so it appeared by their lack of persistence on finding out what was wrong. To  me it just seemed as though they took the short way out and covered it all up with medication. I knew it wasn’t the right decision. And I felt powerless to fight it.

The pain of that anger is still very present as I write this because tears are flowing effortlessly down my face. The power of being powerless is staggering. It was the first time in my life that I can recall feeling hopeless and helpless and it made me angry. I wanted to know why they gave up. Why couldn’t they find something to fix her. Why did they just send us home and not explain what happened.

In the weeks after her death I wrote a long letter to her primary neurologist. In that letter I told him how I felt, how I trusted him because he begged me to trust him just three years prior and I did. That letter was very freeing for me as it started the process of forgiving him. Yet as I sit here and write this post I am feeling more pain than ever before. Why? This is when I have to lean very hard on my faith. I had to put myself in his shoes and hope by some measure that he too was grieving her loss. That I will never know.

I suppose I might see things differently had he shown up at the hospital or her funeral. Her other doctors where there. Offering condolences and assistance. But it was the absence of her neurologist that brought me such pain and sorrow – for his absence made me feel as if he didn’t care. That was the driving force behind my anger.

As Sittser reminds us in this chapter, “Forgiveness rarely happens in an instant.” That I know all to well. Although I did feel a large sense of relief after I sent the letter, it didn’t go away. It just found a quiet spot on my soul and rested there slowly destroying my faith in the medical profession.

Forgiveness is a life long journey, and just as grief washes over you at times so does the process of forgiveness. As Sittser states in this chapter we may have to forgive again and again when those special occasions arrive like when I go to a wedding of a couple Brit’s age or when some of Brittany’s friends begin to have families of their own. I have to relive that again. That moment of anger shows up and I have to chose to forgive all over again. Because you see my loss is eternal there will always reminders of the magnitude of my loss.

I have begun the journey of forgiveness and like my journey of grief – my faith in God keeps me on the right path. At the times when I choose not to follow my faith or my belief that God is in control – that is when I feel lost and alone with no map and no guide to get me through.

A few weeks ago I did something I’ve been trying to do for years since Brit’s death. I’ve been holding on to all of her medical records, maybe one day thinking I’d change my mind about suing the people involved. It occurred to me it was time to let that go. So I sat down in a chair and began the process of healing by shredding each document. As the tears flowed and with each page I felt a sense of relief that part of my life, that anger was released.

Forgiveness is hard, but a necessary process. Forgiveness also doesn’t mean I have forgotten what happened on October 13, 2006. The flashbacks still occur. The nightmares still keep me up some nights. The pain in heart is always there. But in forgiving those who were involved, I have started moving forward and replacing those bad memories with good ones of my daughter. This story, my story is an on-going process and like Sittser our faith in God is how the story gets re-written. God changes everything. Faith gives hope in the midst of grief.

But also know, for those of you living this now or you know someone who is on this journey. It never goes away. This kind of pain after a sudden loss is hard and some days still unbearable. Keep in touch with them, don’t forget and pray constantly because we need it. Our faith, our trust, our future depends on the prayers, love and compassion of others and the mercy of God.

until next time,

m

Why Not Me?

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Continuing my series blogging through Jerry Sittser’s book “a Grace Disguised”. Looking at how his journey and my journey and quite possibly your journey have something in common and that’s Grace.

Chapter 9 – Why Not me?

People often ask the question “why me” when something bad has happened in their life. I know I have asked that question numerous times growing up and throughout my adult life till now. Even today as I face the uncertainty of uprooting and moving to a new city due to my job being eliminated I sometimes find myself wondering “why me”.

After Brittany died I wrestled with the thoughts of “why me” so often. I asked God on more occasions than I can remember “why me”. One day as I was having a discussion with a family member he said to me “why not you”, “why not any of us”. And it was in that moment that I realized that in this life, nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is fair and for the most part we are living a life in a world that often times could be described as painful, sorrowful, delightful, happy, robust, joyous, I could go on with various words to describe the many ways one sees their life.

In this chapter “Why Not Me” Sittser talks about thoughts of getting what we deserve, living a life of fairness vs a life with grace. I agree with him on this point: living a life with grace, even though it means living a life of loss at times, is far better than living life of fairness. Because living as a christian means we are all sinners and being extended grace by God makes the sorrow, the loss, the challenges of moving forward so much easier than to just have lost and be left with nothing. Grace is powerful.

I believe as does the author that we didn’t get what we deserved. As we are no better or worse than some people who have everything. Whose lives are full of abundance. To believe that life should be fair at all times is a belief that will and can lead you down a destructive path. As I stated earlier I often wondered and even believed I must have done something in my past life that caused me to have so much loss. It took me awhile and some therapy and a whole lot of grace to understand that it wasn’t anything I did – it’s just life.

I believe today and always will that, although my daughter’s death brought me so much pain and still does today, her being a part of my life for nearly 18 years was the  best part of  my life. Even though she was ill and had many hurdles she illuminated my life and brought me to the place I am today. I am a much better person for having her in my life than having not had her at all.

Now in the post Brittany days, I have learned to accept the grace that God bestows upon me each and every day. My job is to continue to accept it. Not because I deserve it or that it is fair and just, but because God is a God of grace. He wants me to be happy and to live an abundant life. It’s my choice to believe it and to receive it.

until next time,

m

The Terror of Randomness

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Continuing my blogging series from Jerry Sittser’s book “a Grace Disguised” here on my thoughts on Chapter 8 ‘The Terror of Randomness.

In this chapter Sittser describes what thoughts can race through your mind about why things happen when they do. Why did his family have to  be destroyed by this accident? If they had just left a little later or a little earlier it wouldn’t have happened. So many things occur on a second by second basis “orderliness” of how the world works that we just don’t give this type of thought any credence.

For me, I look at things differently since my daughter died. Her situation wasn’t random, however there are moments when I think had I done things differently or had I been more attentive – maybe she wouldn’t have had that seizure. The seizure that turned the world as I knew it upside down.

Sittser writes: “loss makes the universe seem like a cold and unfriendly place, as if it were little more than trillions of atoms colliding together with no predictability, no design, and no reason to it. Life just happens, whether good or bad.” I’m not so sure I agree with him here on this theory because for me I still believe things happen for a reason. Those reasons we do not know. But I do believe that we are here for a reason and we leave for a reason.

I know sometimes, even today I question God’s hand in all of the pain and suffering that happens in the world. The randomness of the violence that occurs every second. You see it on the news every day. It’s horrifying what happens to human beings daily in this world. Why? One could make themselves crazy asking that question. I do believe there is a randomness to what goes on in the world – and I also believe God allows it. I’m not sure why or the rationale behind it. But I believe God hurts and cries out when his people are hurting.

My daughter’s death, my mother’s death, my grandmother’s death and I could go on, has made me question on more than one occasion God’s existence. Or if he cared for me. Because in the common sense of it all I find it hard to believe he does exist or that he loves me. But it is my FAITH that sustains my belief that although I have had a rough life and some very bad things happen, he is here and he cares. That is the true test of my faith.

Finally Sittser speaks of hope. This is where I get real serious. I live in the very hope that I WILL see my daughter again in Heaven. I will see my entire family in Heaven when it is my time to leave this world. My terror of living the randomness of what has occurred in my life is quieted by the HOPE that I have in God and in my seeing my beloved family again. That is how I make it each and every day.

I too, like Sittser, believe that people who CHOOSE to live in HOPE are resilient. We get knocked down and we get back up and dust ourselves off and we keep going. That although life can be full of terrors and randomness – we feel or believe that life is worth moving on. In Sittser situation he has other children to care for and I believe that helps him in his belief that life is worth living. Me on the other hand, well I’ll call it a stretch as I have no other children. But I have an amazing family and group of friends that make life worth getting up for everyday. I have a job I love. Being a nurse, although not in clinical practice, allows me the privilege of serving others. And it is through the service of others that I find purpose and the reason to keep going.

Sittser talks about Job in this chapter, and for those of you who know my writings or are familiar with my story – I so love the book of Job. Job’s story was the one I identified with so much in the early days and weeks after Brittany died. I felt like the current day Job having lost everything I held dear. My daughter, my life, my home – I lost it all. Like Job, when I stopped asking why and just began to simple believe in God’s goodness did I truly find some peace. And the joy of life began to return.

The days are filled with joy now, but there are days when the darkness looms over me like a watershed of grief. So yes, I still live in that terror of randomness, but I also know it will leave me just the same way it came – quickly and unannounced. I just have to let it flow. Lean into God and He will keep me on course. That is what I know for sure is true.

until next time

m

A Sudden Halt to Business As Usual

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The continuing series of “a Grace Disguised” by Jerry Sittser with a reflection to how it relates to my loss.

Chapter 7

“Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead.” – Frrederick Buechner

For the days, months and weeks after Brittany’s death I found as if my life had been put on pause. Or maybe a better description would be to say that I had been put on pause, as it seemed like life was  passing me by and I couldn’t figure out how to get back in it. I’ve used the analogy before that life seemed like a merry-go-round and I was either trying to figure out how to get off, or get back on.

In this chapter of Sittser’s book, he touches several topics and I find that it is necessary show you, my readers, what thoughts and feelings run through the  mind of someone who has lost something or someone. For if you don’t get this, understand this, you will not be able to grow yourself, as a person traveling through the journey with someone.

First Sittser shows us how life is like a motion picture. Although like a motion picture, life is like a series of snap shots put together and move quickly so that you do not see the break, just a flow of frames that make the movie. Slow them down and you can see the individual photos. I found that to an interesting viewpoint, as I too found myself staring at photos of moments I had remembered of Brittany, but the story seemed vague and the captions were missing. I liken it to be something like a flashback to a moment, random and without much forethought.

At first in the early days of my loss, I would look longingly at those pictures and want that life back. I longed for what was and I didn’t want anything to do with where I was standing. I would fall to my knees and just wail at the prospect of being in a life without my daughter. The photos were a constant reminder that I had lost so much and that the future didn’t hold much interest to me. Life for me as Sittser so adequately described it by the title of this chapter “A Sudden Halt To Business As Usual”. He couldn’t have said it any better.

Over time I have rearranged, put away, taken back out the many photos I had around of Brittany. I spent many months putting together a memory book of her life. In doing so I feel I have created a “story” if you will, her story in photos. Some days I can look through that memory book and enjoy them. Laugh at some of them. Then there are days like now that I can’t bear to look at them. It’s as if my heart is breaking all over again. When will that get better – I really don’t know.

Sittser also talks about regret and how it can plague you during  your grieving process. I spent an incredible amount of time in the “what if” stage. What if I had been more vocal about getting her more treatment, better doctors, screamed a little louder, demanded more. I was killing myself with regret for many months. I have to say that my daughter’s nurse Jennifer who was with us the entire night said something to me that I have held onto to this day and it does give me some comfort. In the moments after Brittany had passed and I was in the room alone with her, I said to Jennifer, “if I had only screamed a little louder at her doctors to do more months ago, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.” She said to me, “Malissa, you did more for your daughter over her lifetime, than most. Brittany has been like family here, we all knew her and you. You didn’t do anything wrong – you were the best mother I know”. So today as the tears flow I know I did what I could. That I did what was within my control. Everything else I have to let go of.

Living with regret can stifle your progress and healing. As Sittser says “Regret causes us to repeat a litany of “if onlys”….Regret keeps the wounds of loss from healing, putting us in a perpetual state of guilt.” I’ve lived there long enough. So today I am going to shred all of her medical history documents. I’ve been holding on to them because at some point I was going to sue her doctors and the ambulance company and I probably would’ve won. They were negligent. But that is not who I am. I have forgiven them, I now have to forgive myself.

“This destruction of the soul represents the tragedy of what I call the “second death,” and it can be a worse tragedy than the first. The death that comes through loss of spouse, children, parents, health, jobs, marriage, childhood, or any other kind is not the worst kind of death there is. Worse still is the death of the spirit, the death that comes through guilt, regret, bitterness, hatred, immorality, and despair.”

At some point, as Sittser points out we have to decide whether or not to allow these destructive emotions to conquer us. This is the turning point, I believe, in the grief journey. But what I find interesting is that it just doesn’t happen once. I can come back again and again and you have to be ready for it. Although I have made a choice to move forward in my life, to take ownership of my destiny, I still battle the bad days. I still find days when I just don’t want to be here. When I just look up to God and say why – why did you take the life I knew and my daughter whom I loved beyond words.

I haven’t yet, nor do I expect to get an answer, but I do know this: my life has to be a living testimony that God puts us here for a reason. We have a purpose and it is His job to make sure we get there, however it is our job to listen and follow. I still believe my purpose is to continue to show that you can recover and have a good life even in the midst of tragedy, loss and that it is still ok to stop and remember your loved ones, to talk about them as they are an important part of your history.

My future depends on me and how I choose to live it. I don’t want to have come this far only to live an ordinary life. I want to make a difference, not sure how or when, but at the end of my days I want to know God will be able to say to me “well done my good and faithful servant – well done”.

until next time

m

The Amputation of the Familiar Self

Grief Blessings1 Comment

Continuing my series on blogging through Jerry Sittsers’ book “a Grace Disguised”. As we take a look at Chapter 6, I am reminded of my own journey and just how far I have come in four short years.

The following paragraph on page 81 really spoke to me and summed it up about how it feels to have lost someone and what remains in the wake of loss:

“I still think of myself as a husband to Lynda, as a father to Diana Jane, and as a son to Grace. But the people who defined me that way, who played the role opposite me as wife, daughter and mother, are no longer there. The self I once was, this familiar self, cries out for them, like nerves still telling me that I have a leg or an arm, though only a stump remains.” – Jerry Sittser

For me that excerpt from chapter six accurately describes my pain, my loss and my sorrow. Those words capture the essence of the loss of my mother and my daughter. Even as the years pass, 22 of them since my mother passed away, I still feel as if a part of me is missing. And this description, these words by the author gave me something I had not been able to obtain before. His words allowed to me to read out loud something my heart and soul had been searching to say, that I, mother and daughter experienced a profound loss and will never be the same.

My identity was taken from me. The role as the only daughter removed from my future. The role as the mother of a wonderful young woman shattered as I watched her die. For months I wandered about wondering who I was or what was I going to do. Sure I was a nurse and I had that identity and loved being a nurse. But being a mother was something I had wanted to be for as long as I can remember. The one thing that meant more to me than anything else I did – gone in 12 hours.

I remember it was about the fifth year after my mother’s death that I found a book that truly helped me move passed the wall that had become my familiar friend. The wall of anger. The book was by Hope Edelman and it was titled “Motherless Daughters”. The book literally fell off the shelf at Barnes & Noble and I picked it up and began to read story after story of woman, like me, who had lost their mothers too soon. At critical points in their lives. I was pregnant with Brittany when my mother died. A time when I truly needed her and I felt cut off “amputated” from her mid way through my pregnancy and during my seventh month, had to bury her.

In the weeks and months after my daughter’s death I found myself asking do I really want this life? Do I really want to participate in the future? I was so confused about who I was and who I was going to be – it was exhausting. I was drained mentally and physically from the challenge of just existing. The day-to-day life without Brittany was distasteful to me. It brought no joy, no laughter and certainly wasn’t pleasing to even think about. But I continued to live on despite my thoughts trying to rationalize why.

Sittser describes later on in the chapter the phantom pains amputees often feel as if their body still believes that the limb that is now gone still exists. similarly those who’ve lost a loved one the “phantom pains” of the former life are everywhere. Even despite my removal of many of the things that reminded me of Brittany – her absence in the house was very palpable. No matter what I did to put it out of my mind, even for the smallest of time, I could not remove the one thing that remained – my heart ached every time I saw her picture. I longed for her presence. I wanted so much to feel her hug hear her laughter.

Loss has become a part of who I am. It is part of my story. Although it has been tough, I have managed to move towards a new identity. However, I believe I will always be Brittany’s mom, Judie’s daughter. But in order for me to continue the healing process, note I said continue because grief is a journey; I have to create a new identity. One that will allow me to acknowledge who I was, the life I had, yet move towards a new life, a new identity.

There is one relationship that I do have that continues to be the focal point in my journey and that is my relationship with God. Although it has been riddled with anger, sadness, pain, sorrow and even joy, this loss, these losses, have pushed me to God, like Sitser, even when I didn’t want it. My faith has been my saving grace. God has been my comfort and my strength throughout it all.

Recently God reminded me of my purpose now by placing a young man next to me on a plane as I was returning home from a business trip. This young man, dressed in his Army uniform seemed somewhat restless. So after a few minutes I decided to engage him in some light conversation. After a few minutes, I mentioned that my “late” daughter’s boyfriend had just joined the National Guard. He asked how long they had been together, I’m thinking he didn’t hear the “late” part. As I told him that Brittany had died a few years ago – he politely apologized but the look on his face told me he had a story. And I was right.

He began to tell me that his baby son had died two weeks earlier. He shared with me his story and my heart broke for him. His loss so fresh, so apparent as he talked about what happened. I asked him if he was a faithful person. He answered, “you mean religious?”, I said no I mean are you faithful? Do you believe in God? He said “yes”, but I don’t believe things happen for a reason. At that moment I knew God had placed me there to show him another way to see it.

As I explained to him my thoughts on loss and how it changes us, how our loved ones were here, even for a short time, to show us the way. They were sent here to move us along the path of life. To show us compassion, gratitude and what it means to forgive. These lessons we may have not been able to learn if it weren’t for the loss of someone we loved. After our long discussion – he looked at me and said “thank you” and then we sat quietly for the rest of the trip. Just as we arrived, I leaned over to him and said “I’ll be praying for  you and your son Nick”. And went on my way.

My new identity is to help others who have suffered a loss. I am a living testimony that you can survive a tragic loss and continue on. Even though some days are still rough, I am creating a new life. I can look back over my shoulder and see my mom and Brittany smiling at me and I know that they are proud of me and how far I have come. Then I look ahead and see that I am continuing my journey into the future.

until next time,

m