Author: Grief Blessings

Trying to discover why I'm here and where I'm going. Finding out that today is all we have - tomorrow is not guaranteed. So live like today

The weariness continues….

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In chapter five of Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” he talks about the Burden of Weariness. How much of it relates to a lack of sleep, too much noise in your life, not observing the sabbath. I decided to take a different spin on this topic as it related and still relates to my life today as a mother who lost it all.

The weariness continues….

My favorite quote of his in this chapter is “Repeat these words after me: It’s not my job to run the world”.  That quote couldn’t be more apropos than it is right now in my life. But seriously….when  you have lived the life I have – it’s been all I know. Running my world, running my families. Always on guard. On post. Ready for protection to fight the battles. Little did I know that it was God fighting my battles – I was the one who was thinking it was me, therefore; paying the consequences. But God – He was in control all the while.

We never quite see that picture of God being in control when we are in a middle of a life crisis. It’s always in retrospect that we see how God was moving at that time in our life – right. I look back now and think “how can there not be a God” seriously – it can’t be by shear luck that I have survived this mess of a life up until now. God’s hand has been all over my life and especially these past 3-1/2 years.

A few days ago I got a chance to listen to one of my favorite pastors, Bishop TD Jakes. I download his podcasts and listen when I can. For some time now I have gotten out of the  habit of doing so, but God, being the God he is, all caring and all loving, gave me a little nudge to listen again. And oh did I get a good message.  The message is named Growing in the Dark part 1 and my goodness did it hit the mark for me.

He talks about how when  you are weary, tired you tend to lay your head in the wrong places. Meaning you make mistakes, poor judgements in areas of your life that you wouldn’t have if you were rested. It looks at Sampson’s life to show the comparison of his times of weariness to ours and it really spoke to me that I have been laying my head in the wrong place, therefore unable to rest and become stronger.  Bishop Jakes spoke that  you cannot be tempted by what you have enough of, it’s the things that you never received that you are tempted by.  Think about that….it sure opened my eyes.

When you are weary it can blind you to see what is really in front of you. What is in front of you looks good and you are blinded or impressed by what you see. But you don’t see who they are, or what they stand for. You see what your weariness lets you see. Because when  you are tired you can’t see the reality of your situation. Temptations come so quickly and from many directions that you cannot see them coming. Then you find yourself in a situation you cannot see a way out. Then there is God.

When you pray for the weariness to leave you, pray that you will not be tempted while  you are weary. For temptation comes to the weary very easily. I know for I have been tempted when I am weary. When I have laid my head down and trusted – the dark one comes to tempt you with what He knows will take you out. My friends be very careful of weariness for it can destroy you. It can eat you alive and it allows the dark one to enter your life and destroy all that you have left. Keep God at the center of your life and take rest as he has commanded us to. When God gives you favor – He opens your eyes to what is standing before you even when you are weary.

  “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God” – Eph 2:8 NIV

God can turn things around – even your weariness. Even as a strong person, there is vulnerability….God see that, but so does the Devil. The contradictions of life can blind you to connect to the very things you hate and stay away from the very things you love. We are walking on shaky ground here. A foundation that is crumbling because of weariness. On exhaustion.  Get some rest. Rest in God’s word. Crawl up in the Lord’s lap and sleep. When I say sleep – I mean spend time with Him. Take in all He has to give you.

I’m alive today to speak about this – I know first hand how God can reach down and grab ahold of you when He has a life for  you that you have yet to live. And I, I reached up out of the darkness and grabbed His hand. You know life doesn’t just stand at your door waiting for you. Just like God, He is right there for you, but you have to hold up your hand. Just like life at your door, you gotta open that door and walk through it in faith. That my friends is a work in progress for me. Is it for you?

Until next time,

M

 

Weariness

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He makes me to lie down in green pastures. – Psalm 23:2 NKJV

  

In looking back at my life I can definitely see that there were times in my life where weariness led to a path of destruction. When I was “tired” I saw that I had made some very poor judgments. Wrong choices about who I hung out with, or where I chose to spend my time. So could it possible that remaining in a place of weariness may turn out to be one of the most dangerous places for a human to be. Let’s dive a little deeper.

First I think we need to define what weariness means. I’ll have to make you aware that there are many different ways one can be weary. But first we’ll visit good  old Webster for a clear definition:

Weariness

1 : exhausted in strength, endurance, vigor, or freshness
2 : expressing or characteristic of weariness <a weary sign>
3 : having one’s patience, tolerance, or pleasure exhausted —used with of
4 : wearisome

http://www.merriam-webster.com/netdict/weariness

So it looks as though weariness can take on a few different forms. Perhaps even somewhat interconnected. Think about it: if you have a lack of sleep – that can lead to a feeling weariness which then can continue on to showing signs of weariness…..poor judgment, poor tactile responses, lack of patience. – Yeah I’ve had most of them over the past 3-1/2 years since the death of my daughter. Hell I’ve had most of those all my life. Why?

For me I think I’ve always been a light sleeper. A light wind can come across my face and I’ll be awake. Or watching Grey’s Anatomy season finale made me have bad dreams. So many things can affect my sleep. The quality of my sleep. Work used to keep me up a lot of hours during the night. Wondering about my patients and their families. You see I’m a very caring person. I carry not only the burdens of my own life, but the lives of others. It’s the way God built me.  Perhaps why I became a nurse.

Sleep has eluded me for many years. Not always, but for a large part of my life I have struggled with sleep. In looking back at the how my life  unfolded from age 6 I can see why. It’s like my life has always been on guard. I became a caretaker at an early age because my father left us so early. My youngest brother was 6 weeks old and I was 6. As my mom had to go out and work multiple jobs to keep us together – I became a young mother. That is when my body took over and became a “watchdog” and the pattern of weariness began.

Fast forward to my time with Brittany….finding myself in a fight for her life at the age of 11 months from encephalitis. Seeing her through the many ramifications of that illness ending with her death 17 years later. I was always running on empty. Little sleep and that quality of sleep was not good I’m sure. Again finding myself  a “watchdog” again – but this time so much at stake. My future, my only reason for living – everything I ever wanted living on the edge.

Then the day she died….it’s as if a watershed of weariness came over me and I became exhausted. And I’ve been fighting back with everything I have ever since. There is a lesson here people and it’s gonna be revealed later. But it’s a big one. So stay tuned.

from Traveling Light by Max Lucado – page 42

“The bow cannot always be bent without fear of breaking. For a field to bear fruit, it must occasionally lie fallow. And for you to be healthy you must rest. Slow down, and God will heal you. He will bring rest to your mind, to your body, and most of all to your soul. He will lead you to green pastures.”

 

until next time

m

Where is the happiness?

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This post will be based on Chapter 4  – The Prison of Want: The Burden of Discontent from Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” and written from the perspective of a grieving mother, daughter and woman.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want – Psalm 23:1

 

Today in church I sat and listened to our pastor talk about family and how in today’s world our families have become disconnected. Running here and there and everywhere, yet never taking the time to stop and rest. To look at what they have or who they are. They have become this frazzled, anxiety-ridden family who have lost the meaning of what a family should be.

As I sat there next to a family I love dearly, knowing how crazy their lives are and how sometimes very stressful their lives must be going here and there meeting deadlines and traveling from practice to practice. Yet as I sat there looking at them, I was saddened. I was saddened because I no longer knew what family meant – it certainly didn’t look like theirs: Husband, wife, and 3 beautiful kids. You see growing up my family never looked anything like that. It was fractured, broken and most of all empty. Always a sense of we were one step away from a disaster of master proportions – all because a father chose to walk away.

Then I was also reminded that because my mother had died and my grandmother 5 years after her – the family I did know was fractured even further. Then a divorce and the death of my only child left me with a pit of sorrow in my belly I had to leave the church. I so wanted what my friend had – I never felt more lonely than I did at that moment. What had been taken from me was family. Everything I knew to be family – has always been taken from me. What I didn’t realize is that I had always defined myself by my family no matter how dysfunctional or fractured it was it was still my family.

Lucado mentions in the book that we tend to live in a prison of want so often that once we obtain what we want – it quickly looses its luster and again we are imprisoned again by the desire of want. Just wanting that one thing, that one thing that would make us feel whole again. The person who could make it all better. But you know what it doesn’t happen that way. And it’s taken me 52 years to figure that one out.

“Life is not defined by what you have, even when  you have a lot” (Luke 12:15 msg). Heaven does not know you as the fellow with the nice suit or the woman with the big house or the kid with the new bike. Heaven knows your heart.”

 So after reading the passage above I thought then what is it that we are supposed to be looking for to fill that void. What could it be that would create a sense of joy that would overcome the sense of pain and sorrow that now resided in my empty heart.  After finishing the chapter I realized that the only thing that can make a difference in my life, the only thing that can bring me joy that can create in me a sense of peace is God. My shepherd. My Lord.

Then I read the final passage that made it all so very clear:

When we surrender to God the cumbersome sack of discontent, we don’t just give up something; we gain something. God replaces it with a lightweight tailor-made, sorrow-resident attache of gratitude.

When you have realized your gratitude the contentment will come, the happiness will follow. You may see improvement in so many areas of your life that will create a sense of wonder like you’ve never seen before.

As Lucado suggests begin with repeating the following:

“The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

Again – “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

Again – “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

And Again – “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

I think this can remind us that if we know we shall not want, we will gain so much just beginning with a heart of gratitude.

until next time,

m

 

 

 

 

Bruised But Not Broken by Joss Stone

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written by Diane Warren

Been a lot that I’ve been through
I cried a tear a time or two
Baby, you know I cried some over you, yeah
Had my heart kicked to the ground
Love ripped me up and tore me down, baby
But that ain’t enough to break
‘Cause I’ll rise above it
And I’ll pick myself up
And I’ll dust the pain off of my heart

And I’ll be alright
And I’ll love again
And the wounds will mend
I’m bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I’ll get back my feet
It’s not the end of me
My heart is still open
I’m bruised but not broken

Been a lot of tear strained nights
I thought the tears were here for life, baby
The hurt came on and held on tight, yeah
Took a chance, I took a fall
Love broke my heart and shattered all my dreams
But I won’t be down on my knees
‘Cause I’ll rise above it
And I’ll pick myself up
And I’ll shake the rain out of my heart

And I’ll be alright
And I’ll love again
And the wounds will mend
I’m bruised but not broken
And the pain fill fade
I’ll get back my feet
It’s not the end of me
My heart is still open
I’m bruised but not broken

Gonna pick my heart up
Take my life back
Shake the hurt away
Pull myself together, put the pieces back in place
See, I learned love’s so hard
Love left my soul scarred
I was shattered inside

And I’ll be alright
And I’ll love again
And the wounds will mend
I’m bruised but not broken
And the pain fill fade
I’ll get back my feet
It’s not the end of me
My heart is still open
I’m bruised but not broken

The words of this song is like my theme song. I first heard this song after Brittany died and the break up of someone I had in my life who couldn’t handle her death. These words couldn’t have explained my heart any better than my own. Though the video isn’t Joss’ best performance of the song – I love the genuineness of it as she is singing it for Diane who is in the audience.

Enjoy

M

Mother’s Day

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I am reposting this Mother’s Day note because this is the season of grief that I am in now….. Mother’s day to me has become the worst holiday of them all. It has become meaningless in the face of tragic loss and a fragmented life left in it’s wake. But once it passes – I will again see the beauty of life and all it has to offer….but until then I cry, I weep, I mourn and I do it without shame or without regret for it is my journey to healing…

 

When you lose your only child, and your mother, and your grandmother – Mother’s Day becomes a day you dread more than any other. Over the past three years since my daughter’s death, I have come to dread this day over her “angel” day, her birthday or any other holiday.

The one thing I know for sure is I am so very grateful it comes on the heels of Easter. It is because of the Resurrection of Jesus that I can continue to breathe and move forward without my baby. My hope is in the Lord and that I will see her again very soon. What a joyous occasion that will be.

I know that for some unbelievers this concept can be a stretch. But just let me say that I would rather believe in God and have his love and compassion keep me filled with love and hope than to not believe and feel my life had been wasted. My hope in the Resurrection rests firmly on my beliefs that Brittany is with God now and one day I will be reunited with her. That is how I get through each and every day.

Does that make going through the remainder of my days filled with emptiness any easier. Sometimes. But I can’t imagine living a life without hope. Can you?

Blessings

M

Early Morning Dew

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In the darkness the memories of a life once lived I mourn…and the future doesn’t hold much hope for happiness for love is beyond my reach. For it is a mountain I cannot climb. – signed Malissa Moss

It’s my way or the highway….

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So here we are at the next chapter of “Traveling Light” by Max Lucado. Just traveling along with him as he writes his book and then reflecting how it impacts the grieving process of a single mother just trying to make it to the next level.

Chapter Two

I’ll Do It My Way – The Burden of Self-Reliance

Well just the title alone speaks volumes for someone like me. Raised without a father, a mother who worked her butt off to keep her family together and at the age of 7 taking the responsibility of helping to raise my 5 younger brothers. So I learned self-reliance very early in my life.

So often during my younger years I was told by my mother – don’t do it that way or you’ll regret it. But oh no I had to do it my way – and so often she was right. But I was stubborn and wanted to do things my way. No matter what. Oh to only be able to take those days back and have a do over. I should have listened more. Because you know what – mammas  – they are always right. Perhaps their message may be outdated – but the core message is the same. What happened twenty years ago still happens today – just a different medium.

Lucado mentions a quiz in this chapter to see how one might measure their self-reliance. So I decided to take this quiz and the results are as follows:

You can control your moods: You are always upbeat, never grumpy or sullen. Does this describe you? – NO

You are at peace with everyone: Every relationship is sweet as fudge. Love all and loved by all. Is that you? MAYBE

You have no fears: Teflon Toughie. Nothing bothers you. Does this describe you? NO NO and NO

You need no forgiveness: Never made a mistake. Square as game of checkers. As clean as grandma’s kitchen. Does this describe you? I’d say a resounding NO

So he goes on to review the possible answers:
You can’t control your moods – A few of your relationships are shaky – You have fears and faults! OMG I’m thinking I have failed this quiz miserably. But what he is really speaking to is that if the answers to these questions describe us – then why are we holding on to something that isn’t working for us. Good question.

Is it in our human nature to always think “we got it” – “I got it under control” – I can tell  you without a doubt that I don’t have much in control. I have found that over the past 3-1/2 years I have given so much over to God because I could no longer keep up. The failures were too hard to take. The pain and agony affected my moods and infected my relationships. Everywhere I looked in my life I had failed. I was a freakin mess. I needed God more than ever. That is where my life took a dramatic turn.

The day I realized I had no control and had to turn it all over to God was the first day in my life that I felt some sense of relief. The freedom of releasing the burdens I had carried for so long.  There is something freeing when you hand over all the garbage of your life to God and let him take control. You know like the song by Carrie Underwood “Jesus Take The Wheel”. I so related to that song. I needed Jesus to that the wheel – so I could lie down and rest. And that is just what He did.

Lucado goes on to rephrase the 23rd Psalm if one doesn’t give control over to the Shepherd and it goes like this:

I am my own shepherd, I am always in need
I stumble from mall to mall and shrink to shrink, seeking relief but never finding it
I creep through the valley of the shadow of death and fall apart.
I fear everything from pesticides to power lines, and I’m starting to act like my mother.
I go down to the weekly staff meeting and am surrounded by enemies.
I go home, and even my goldfish scowls at me.
I anoint my headache with extra-strength Tylenol.
My Jack Daniel’s runneth over.
Surely misery and misfortune will follow me, and I will live in self-doubt for the rest of my lonely life.

 

Wow – I don’t know about you, but I remember thinking some of those thoughts he out-lined above. I also know that I don’t want to ever go back to that place. But the humanness in us allows it. The brokeness in us allows it. The fear in us allows it.  But if you choose to turn it all over and let God have it. The fear fades away, the brokeness begins to heal and the humanness remains but lives in the light of the one who has made you to do great things.

until next time,

m

Who is God?

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This is the 2nd part in a series based on the book from Max Lucado called “Traveling Light” – I encourage you to read if you haven’t already.

This series will be written through the eyes of a grieving mother and a child of God. My plan is to use Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” to inspire, enlighten and empower grieving parents, family members and friends to move through their experience and see God’s plan and to know His love.

 

When you are grieving a loss like the loss of a child it’s so easy to lose your focus on just about everything.  It’s as if blinders have been put on your face and all you can see is the immense pain and sorrow that prevails over your life. It’s as if a dark cloud hovers over your life and the sun cannot penetrate it. A black veil has been hung over your heart and will forever be there as a reminder of the profound loss that remains.

Fortunately for me, I had a foundation of faith at the time of my daughter’s death. Now it wasn’t as strong as it is today, but it was better than nothing. But here’s the real gift for me – I never really understood who God was until my daughter’s death. You can say “well how is that a gift” – well my dear friends, the gift is that God showed His face, His love and His mercy over my life every time I called His name and sometimes when the words were silent that came from my mouth. When all I could do was wail from the pressing sorrow that came from all sides.

For me God showed up and took my hand through the “Valley of Death” – that I will write more about later. But first I want to address who God is – in a way that I saw who He was and still is today for me, a mother who has lost the most precious gift of all – my daughter. To understand who God is; how magnificent He is and how awesome He is – creates a place for healing to begin in your heart as it has in mine. It doesn’t happen overnight and for me, it’s still a work in progress.

So – Who is God? Lucado describes God in a way that moved me to tears and he says it this way “He is the One who Is” “One who creates” “He is an uncaused God” “God is Yahweh an unchanging God, an uncaused God and an ungoverned God”.  So what I took from this is my God is a constant in my life. He’s a consistent calm in a stormy sea. He is always there and never leaves me. That is a comfort when you have a grieving soul.

“Counselors can comfort you in the storm, but you need a God who can still the storm. Friends can hold  your hand at your deathbed, but you need a Yahweh who has defeated the grave. Philosophers can debate the meaning of life, but you need a Lord who can declare the meaning of life. You need a Yahweh.” – from Max Lucado’s Traveling Light

I love that segment of the book because it really puts God at the center of any situation and hopefully shows you that no matter what you are dealing with God is there. I have felt that for many months and now years since my daughter’s death. Although some of the time I wasn’t sure I was feeling God’s presence – I still knew by faith that He was there.

I think in the early days of my faith, before Brit’s death I put God up on shelf – kinda like my bible. Took it down when I needed it or needed Him. But since my world was shattered, and let me just say that Brittany’s death was for me the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve had many other life shattering events – but my only child dying right before my eyes – well that rocked my world so profoundly – yet God remained.

Now God no longer sits up on the shelf of my life – He remains at the center of my life – leading me through the valleys and giving me rest when I need it. Blessing me everyday even though I don’t always see it. God has now saturated my life and that has been the very life blood I needed to move forward on the journey that I am now on. That is why I write so that God’s love can been seen through the fractured vantage point of unimaginable grief.

Stay tuned as we next visit – I’m gonna do it my way – it’s all I know – or so I thought…..

until next time

m

Max Lucado

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I have decided that over the next few weeks, maybe months – I will be writing my journey through one of the best books Max Lucado has ever written – at least from my perspective. That book is “Traveling Light” and it’s been quite the adventure to read through his thoughts and ideas about what it means to release the excess baggage we all tend to carry around throughout our life. It is my hope that you too enjoy the journey with me.

Max’s book is based on the Promise of Psalm 23 and we begin with that now….

The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths or righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil.
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever. (NKJV)

 

Lucado eludes to something that I think we all see, but fail to understand. And that is this – we see this Psalm in so many familiar places….our churches, our homes, christian bookstores, our bibles – but do we really believe these words? Do we really take these words of comfort and make them real in our lives? I know for me I have said that Psalm so many times, but haven’t really picked it apart to understand to the depths its real meaning in my life, especially today.

Crawling up and into the Lord’s lap and taking comfort in His peace and grace is a vision I treasure. It was a gift someone gave me after Brittany died when I was struggling to hold onto my faith. I dropped everything I knew and everything I was feeling and just imagined crawling up into His lap and letting the feeling of having a Father, the One and Only God, love me, soothe my weary mourning soul. It was truly one of the most healing things I’ve done thus far on this journey.

What am I getting to? Well perhaps, just maybe – it’s possible to let go of all the baggage, all the pain, all the bad stuff and let God do what He does best and that’s love us unconditionally and to give us a peace that passes all understanding.

Hang with me – this is gonna be one great ride.

Until next time,

m

When Everything Changes

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days and I have come to the conclusion that it’s hard to reinvent yourself late in life. How do you move forward to a new life when you’re still are reeling from the past one? Where does one start? How do  you get the ball rolling – so to speak.

There are a lot of books out there about reinventing  yourself – but it mostly is directed towards a profession. I’m talking about digging down deep and finding out one of two things: who are you? or who are you meant to be? Because clearly after a life change  you are not who you once were. Despite friends and family wishing you would just pick right back up and move on the same ole’ person you were before.

Reinventing who you are starts with finding out what matters to you. What morals do you believe in, live by. What value to put on – anything? Even  yourself. Perhaps writing a “mission statement” for yourself might be a good place to start. Something to think about – then of course, you’d have to know and understand what a mission statement is. I’ll tell you I know what it is not – a picture you hang on your wall for everyone to view, but for no one to live by. I know you’ve seen them hanging in the halls of many businesses’ right? – I have.

Franklin Covey has a great website for helping someone write their own personal “mission statement” – here is my first attempt using their website:

I am at my best when I am surrounded by grateful people..
I will try to prevent times when I am surrounded by hurtful people and when I am lonely.
I will enjoy my work by helping facilitate communication between management and my teams..
I will find enjoyment in my personal life by making people smile..
I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as my love being creative –  Photography, jewelry, advertising, mentoring..
I can do anything I set my mind to. I will help unsuspecting people in need..
My life’s journey is about my faith in God and fulfilling the purpose He has created for me..
I will be a person who my friends thought I was a great friend, mentor and lover of life..
My most important future contribution to others will be to make sure my nieces and nephews don’t ever forget my late daughter who lived life out loud and full of joy.

I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

  • feeding the hungry
  • recycling
  • mentoring young people

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

  • Love everyone
  • help the needy
  • live everyday grateful – even when life got tough

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

  • walking outside and seeing God’s creation
  • Spending time with my spiritual family at church.
  • Meditation when I can.
  • Watching a funny movie. Laughing

So there  you go…. go give it a try. http://www.franklincovey.com/msb/

Until next time,

m