Category: Grief and the holidays

Randomness

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Today is Christmas and as I’m sure I don’t have tell you all that, whether you celebrate it or not. It’s Christmas.

To me it means so many things. It’s the foundation of my faith; the hope instilled in my heart; and the assurance that God is in control.

But in my private moments whether it be in mind or alone in my apartment – the randomness of where my thoughts go continue to surprise me. I  have come to understand what has happened to me over the years but I have yet to understand “why”. It’s the why that holds me back. It’s the why that causes me to cry in the shower uncontrollably because my mind randomly goes to that place – the place where I try to avoid at all costs – the space in my heart that is void – that will not or ever will be healed. Perhaps a scar, but never healed.

Crying in the shower is something I’ve come to believe is cleansing to the soul – not just the body. I feel I can pour out my soul in the shower – as the water pours over me and into the drain – it is my hope that the tears will pour out of my body and down the drain. It’s exhausting to cry but also healing. Pain has to find a release. Tears are a perfect expression of the soul – pouring out it’s pain in hopes of healing the wound that is from deep within.

I still find avoiding looking at my daughter’s pictures. If I linger to long, I can no longer look away – I’m taken back to a time and begin to mourn all over again. So today was one of those days that I looked over at my favorite picture of her where her arms are crossed over as if she is hugging herself and thinking to myself how much I miss her hugs. Her love. Her laugh. Her happiness was infectious. I miss her everyday and I don’t think that will ever change.

I have a heart of gratitude for having been honored to be her mother. That God loved me so much to allow me the honor to have such a wonderful spirit of a daughter. I believe her spirit is among us and lives through us. I think sometimes I forget that and then I become sad. But I am reminded that she is part of me as I am a part of her. She will forever be a part of me. I will not forget her, I refuse not to speak of her and mostly I will never forget that she was my daughter.

At this Christmas time remember to look at your children and know that God has granted you the honor of being their parents. It’s a humbling thought if you allow that thought to move you into a place of gratitude. I am the spirit I am today because of my daughter’s influence. I am grateful for the lessons she taught me for so long. Love everyone, deny no one and be the hands of Jesus to everyone you meet. Just think if we all lived like that what a world we would see.

until next time,

m

What Grief Teaches Us

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Something I’ve learned about grief is it changes who you are. By that I mean it gives you a different perspective on what’s important in life. Once you have been “schooled” in the classroom of grief – you have two choices – be a good student and learn and grow and move through the journey. Or you become stagnant and lifeless. No one says it’s easy. I know I have come across those who have thought I should have been “over” it – or farther along than I was but if you haven’t been in the mess of it all – you just don’t know and you just shouldn’t talk about what you don’t know. That’s my opinion and since it’s my blog – I can write.

Now moving on. What I found most helpful in Susan Duke’s “Grieving Forward: Embracing Life Beyond Loss” is Chapter 13 – Grief’s Classroom. As I reread this chapter I found many passages I had highlighted and as I evaluated their importance today – still very valid and still very real.

I recall once when I was attending a Grief Share class at my local church, probably about 3 months after Brittany died, and as I sat there listening to everyone’s story – an overwhelming thought came to me: Dear God don’t let this happen to me. Some of these attendees had been on the journey for years and remained stuck in a place and couldn’t find their way out. I believe it was at that moment that I realized I had to take control over my journey but led by my deepest faith in God and giving him the control instead of letting it control  me. I also knew that my journey would help others.

One of the things that is crucial is seeing progress. But if you don’t measure it, you won’t be able to see it. I think that is why people often get stuck, because they cannot see how far they have come. Writing has been my way of tracking my progress. When I look at the posts on this blog and in my own private diaries – I see profound change and progress. I see a lot of pain and sorrow too. It’s all there, I’ve held nothing back. I’ve been as real as I can be and sometimes I’ve been too real and it has scared my readers. But know this: I’m a child of God and while I have moments of weakness and sometimes want to give up – I know that God takes control then and puts me back on track.

I have fought many battles with the devil over the death of my daughter. Guilt, shame, anger, mistrust, and sorrow so deep I couldn’t see my way out. When  you are so wounded it’s hard to fight the devil. His little games he plays with  your mind – it can be devastating to your progress if you don’t ask God to take control. Prayer warriors have saved me so many times I cannot count. Below is an excerpt from Dukes book that I think is critical to overcoming this weariness:

“Warriors cannot fight when they are wounded. The kind of battle that rages in a grief-filled heart is one of hopelessness. When we don’t care if we survive, it’s hard not to give up on everything, even God. It’s hard to lay down the heaviness of grief long enough to put on our spiritual armor, but it is the armor that equips us for the rest of our journey.”

I remember as I read that passage the first time, I went and wrote down scriptures like Romans 8:37: I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me” and I put them up on my bathroom mirror so I could see them everyday. I put messages in my pockets. In my books. On  my laptop – anywhere I would see them to remind me I was NOT fighting this battle alone. I won’t deny that there weren’t times I couldn’t pick up my bible and read. My heart was so heavy I couldn’t bear it nor did I care. I was so wounded I had no desire to move on. I just wanted my  baby back.  But through friends, scripture and the shear determination of my God he got through. The light began to shine again in my life and it is only by the Grace of God and his constant viligence over my life that I am where I am today.

The following comment from Duke really helped me see I wasn’t alone, nor was I crazy like some people made me feel: “it takes at least eighteen months before anyone who grieves begins to experience longer stretches of time with less pain” – that was from H. Norman Wright’s book Experiencing Grief. It is during that eighteen months that you have to be mindful of every choice you make. To be careful with your heart, your life and the decisions you make on how you deal with your grief. This can be a time when one could become addicted to drugs, alcohol or behaviors that are not conducive to healing. Lean on God!!!!

My journals and my blog have allowed me to reflect upon my journey and most importantly it allows me to see my progress. Grief changes who you are and you become someone different. As Duke says – “we have to own our grief” “There is no formula, no set of instructions, no twelve-step program that works for every individual. Grief can shake, change, convince, challenge and contradict every preconceived notion or idea anyone has ever said or written about grief.”

Grief teaches us that there is pain in loving. Now that I know that, my challenge today is to begin to let love into my life again. To trust that God wouldn’t send me someone to love if it wasn’t someone good and who will take my heart and keep it like a delicate flower. No one could ever take the place of my dear sweet Brittany – but so much more happened to me on this journey than just losing my daughter – I lost myself. I lost my desire to love or to let love in. Now it is time for love.

until next time,

m

Coping with special occasions

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Chapter 7 from Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss by Susan Duke

I’m actually passing some of the material in this chapter as I’ve visited the topic of gifts many times before. Decided I’d review something I believe is so very important for a grieving parent. A topic Duke talks about mid way through this chapter – dealing with special occasions. I think it continues to be a very source of anxiety for me even after nearly five years since Brittany’s death. The longing for things to be as they were and knowing they cannot be is often so painful that there have been times I just wanted to sleep through them.

I’m about to enter what I call the dark days again…..they just keep returning each each around September and stay until New Years. It’s a time of great memories and great heartache. Some days the memories are so profound and magical that I find myself so thankful I can recall them. Then there are days when the memories are so hard to handle. Duke relates so well to this issue that she states “Even years after our loss, despite how much healing has occurred in our lives, certain events often make us wish we could cancel these dates from the rest of our lives.” I too feel that way – still today.

There are things we can do to help ourselves and others during these times and I would encourage you all to be mindful that the holidays are the worst time for those who have lost loved ones. It can be a lonely time. And it can remain that way for a very long time.

While attending Grace Community Church in Indianapolis, I enjoyed the Remembrance Service the church put on each fall to help remember those loved ones that had gone on to Heaven before us. It was a bonding experience with those, like me, who had to deal with the on-going pain of the upcoming holiday season. I will  miss that this year. Now I find myself having to find another way to release that memory, that pain for it overshadows everything I do during the holidays.

Making new memories has been hard for me, moving back to Indy helped me reconnect with family that I had lost touch with over the many years of being away. Now I find myself in a new city, facing this holiday with an uncertain plan. I must however have a plan. It’s so important for me to ensure my ability to make new memories, while respecting my past life with Brittany. It’s a delicate balance and one that I can’t afford to be without.

It is so important to bring a season of celebration and love from the one who has been lost because it marks the blessing that enriched your life for a different season in your life. Creating a sense of celebration and new traditions allows you to incorporate the blessings of the old life with the blessings of the new life.

Some of the traditions I have today are from the great woman who raised me. I choose to light a candle for Brittany on her birthday. I eat macaroni and cheese because it was her favorite food. I wear the dog tags that were made by her friends for her Celebration of Life for the month of October and her “Brittany” bracelet for the month of November, her birth month. For Christmas I hang a special ornament or two just in memory of Brittany.

It’s all bittersweet sometimes and I have to allow the tears to fall. But I would never, ever trade one day of those memories of my life with her. It’s the days without her that are at some times unbearable, but it’s those moments with her wonderful smile or her funny wit that I am reminded of a beautiful spirit that surrounds me everyday and that spirit is my daughter.

until next time

m

As Time Passes

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As time passes I find I no longer look for those moments when I am overwhelmed with a wash of grief that suddenly comes over me and when I least expect it. I stopped expecting it a year or so ago. But funny thing – it still comes, it still stings and it still hurts just as badly.

As I wandered about my place today I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling disconnected, unmotivated to do anything, talk to anyone or spend time with anyone. I was upset with myself because it is not like me to be that way. Then tears filled my eyes and I felt as if I’d been stabbed in the heart by the sting of grief.

You see if you have never experienced it, you can’t even imagine it. But if you have experienced this type of grief – you know perfectly well what I’m saying. Try as you may to not think about it, dwell on it or give it any residence in your mind – it still shows up. It’s like a bad ache, an itch you can’t scratch, a feeling of gloom that comes over like a black cloud on a sunny day that brings a burst of rain so strong it blows you over and you are covered in tears like a watershed of rain.

The hard part is letting it happen. Letting the work of grief do it’s thing and then releasing it into the world giving it it’s due. Because I’ll tell you if you fight it will fight harder. I have found it’s easier to just let it happen. Let the pain come, the tears flow, the sorrow cry out in prayer to God because that is how it gets released.

I miss my daughter with every part of my being. More than I can ever share. More than I could ever write about. There is nothing that I could write that would describe the emptiness I have in my heart that will never be replaced. As this fifth Christmas comes to an end and the tears flow I am still thankful, still grateful and still hopeful for the future.

until next time

m

Merry Christmas Message

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Merry Christmas

Sitting here surrounded by family, I am reminded of many Christmas’ past. Visits to grandma’s house where many generations of my family would gather from all over at one moment to celebrate Jesus’ birth. Laughter always filled the house as the little children ran around chasing one another up and down the stairs.

George Washington, his picture, at the top of the stairs so creepy awaiting us. No matter where  you stood, it always seemed as if he eyes followed you. As kids we would stay upstairs going through grandma’s closet looking for fun outfits to try on. We’d look through grandpa’s collection of Indian relics. Remembering those times always brings a smile to my face.

Many Christmas’ past brings such a joyful memory but also such a longing for just one more moment with mom. I miss her beyond measure. Her smile while cooking for the whole family was priceless. She loved those moments when the family was all together. I miss those moments more than I can say. Her death left this family in such a vacuum of despair that nothing has been the same since.

Then there are the many memories of my sweet Brittany. I have so many great pictures of her at Christmas over the 17 years we celebrated with her. The greatest gift of all was her life given to me as a  mother. She was a blessing like no other I’ve had and like no other I’ll ever have again.

Her smile permeates my heart and will for as long as I breathe. Her spirit lives within me and will forever be a part of who I am. This Christmas, I am reminded of how very important family is and how quickly it can change. So my dear friends – stop and take a moment to thank God for your family. Be grateful for the joy in your life.

My Christmas wish for you and your family is for you to know that the greatest gift you can give one another is yourselves.

until next time,

m

Seasons

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Seasons

by

Malissa Moss

As the sun sets in the west
the air is cool and crisp;
creating a sense that
it’s time to lie down and rest.

Oh my weary soul fights
back the sleep; for it is the
memories of seasons past
that keep coming back.

Fall comes and sorrow sets in
for it is the dark times that
prey upon me now. As the leaves
fall from the trees does my tears
fall from my face.

Winter comes and the snow falls
bringing holiday cheers and song
but in my heart there is no cheer
only a song of sorrow for a life lost.

Spring arrives as the birds sing of
joy to be warmed by the sun that
arises in the east. A time to see
growth and splendor beyond the pain.

Summer comes and goes so quick
as it brings back the sorrow again.
The cycle of my grief comes like
cycle of the seasons. Beginning with
Fall and ending with Summer.

the end

Hope vs Hopelessness

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Continuing journey through Max Lucado’s “Traveling Light” – Chapter 7
It’s a Jungle Out There – The Burden of Hopelessness

He restores my soul – Psalm 23:3 NKJV

So after reading Chapter 7 I came to a few conclusions about how I thought this chapter might relate to the grief journey. In thinking back to a time early in my journey I couldn’t see any hope. I don’t even think I could define hope. So what did I do? I read every piece of scripture I could so that I envision what hope might feel like.

I have read numerous books by authors who have gone before me in this journey and there always seemed to be one clear similarity and that is hope is rooted in the faith that gives you strength to hold on.

By holding on I mean through the darkest of hours, the most searing pain, the moments when the light at the end of the tunnel seems too far to reach, that life seems meaningless in the face of grief; you can find hope.

In the book Lucado compares hopelessness like an “odd bag” unlike other bags that are full, he describes the bag of hopelessness as a bag that is empty. More importantly he relates that the empty bag creates an “exhausting burden”.  I get that. I see that. I have felt that.

Have you ever turned your purse or bag upside down looking for your keys, your glasses, your lipstick but to no avail you cannot find it. No matter how hard you shake it – nothing. But the bag of hopelessness is empty – very empty – painfully empty.

It’s hard to see hope when you are filled with emptiness. Right. So what can you do until your hope returns? You need someone in your life that can hold  you accountable. Who is not afraid to hang with you. Who can handle spending the time and energy it takes to create a sense of fellowship that will make a grieving person feel safe.

Safe enough to have this person look them straight in the eyes and say “hang on”. Because when you are blinded by grief, no matter the cause, you can’t see the road in front of you. All that is illuminated is the sorrow that fills your heart. The path of darkness is narrow and winding.

I recently heard that a person without a vision is lost. That comment was made to a describe a person without goals or a plan. But it can also be used to describe a grieving heart. The capacity to see past the pain is severely limited. Finding, having and keep hope alive is key to opening the heart to see the way out.

In those early days – I spent many hours looking at scripture because it was my only comfort. I was looking earnestly for any crumb of hope to hang on to. God’s word can and did bring such comfort. I know because it has gotten me to this point. The point where I can remain hopeful.

Even though you remain in your situation. Your loss is still painfully there. In my case living a life without my daughter, I have hope; direction and restoration because I took that bag of hopelessness and let God fill it up with many things. God can do that for you too.

Things like: scripture, friends, family, vision and hope. Having hope has led me on my personal journey to find my purpose. But here’s the kick – it doesn’t happen over night. Some days it’s as if I have been temporarily blinded to the hope. But as I return to what I know works – God – I am renewed again.

That the best hope of all.

Until next time,

m

Another New Year Comes and Goes

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Happy New Year – 2010 Is Here.

I have never been happier to see a year go like 2009. Besides the year 2006, 2009 ranks right up there as one of the worst years in my life. Well 2007 and 2008 didn’t go so well either. So here’s to 2010!

So I enter 2010 with the hope that I am able to feel I am making a difference some how, somewhere, for some one in the world. Whether it is my Twitter family, my Facebook family, my WordPress family, my church family or my own personal family – my goal for 2010 is to make a difference. To bring the message of hope that you can not only survive a crisis, but you can turn it into something positive by helping others.

With each year that passes since Brittany’s death, I become more focused on what I have to do to move on with purpose. Not to just plainly move on. Because just moving on isn’t good enough. There has to be some purpose. Some reason to get up everyday and say this could be the day I may be able to help someone through a tough time. This could be the day I make a difference.

Making a difference in today’s world has become increasingly important in the healing process for anyone who has experienced a loss. For someone like me, a single mother of an only child who died – well the future wasn’t looking too good for me back in late 2006. In 2007, I made so many changes that I wasn’t sure if I was coming or going. In 2008, it was if it all came to a head and my life imploded right before my eyes. My health took a dive, I realized I could no longer work in the job I loved. And the financial ramifications that started the moment Brittany became seriously ill until the months after her death all came to a unpredictable end.

In 2009, it was if I was just existing, trying to make sense of the past 3 years. Where I had been, how far I had come and that going back wasn’t an option. The life I knew I could no longer pine for. My life with Brittany was over. My life with someone I was in love with was over as well. Everything I knew to be safe and true was destroyed. So for me 2009 seemed as if my life was on hold so to speak. But seriously it felt like it was non-existent. So again I said goodbye to a year that meant so little as far as my healing goes.

The most incredible thing that has happened to me in 2009 that I will be forever grateful for are my friends on Twitter. You know who you are. The Farkles – Lynn, Jill, Lisa, and Sara.  I also have other friends on Twitter as well and to them and to the Farkles – thank you! These friends have been an incredible support for me and I will forever be grateful for their love and support this past year. I look forward to continuing getting to know them in 2010. A small side note about Sara. She is so much like my sweet Brittany. Loves God, loves children, loves to help the needy and just plain has a heart that glows because her soul is good. Getting to know her has been, on some levels, a saving grace for me.

To my church group ACCESS – I love being involved in this group. They give me energy that I haven’t had in so long. When I’m with them, all is right with the world. With my world.

God has surely placed so many great people in my life in 2009 – so now I have to admit 2009 wasn’t so bad at all. It was the foundation for what is to come in my life for 2010. So Happy New Year and I say bring it on 2010 –  I’m ready and get ready to see something phenomenal happen – you only have to believe it.

Until next time

m

The Former Things Are Passed Away

Even if it’s through this blog, my book, the way I live my life. Somehow the message of hope will prevail.

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“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There won’t be death anymore. There won’t be any grief, crying, or pain, because the first things have disappeared.” Rev. 21:4

from International Standard Version (©2008)

I can’t tell you how many times I have come back to this scripture for comfort during my journey of grief. These words written have given me hope to get through a tough minute. The hope to get through a tough day. The hope to get through this tough life.

For me it’s comforting to know that one day there will be no more tears, no more death, no more mourning. That one day when Jesus returns all the bad things will be passed and I will be able to see my loved ones who have gone before me.

When you are dealing with grief some days it’s hard to see the blue sky for the grey clouds. The blue sky represents life and the grey clouds represent death. That is why it is so important to have a firm foundation in a faith that will sustain you during those tough times.

I know that some people who are experiencing this journey of loss may not have a faith like mine. They may not have any faith at all. I seriously don’t know how any one could go through such a loss could survive it without faith. My faith has been the rope I have clung to for so long.

I understand that not everyone believes what I believe. But I can tell you without a doubt that I am still standing because of my faith. I am still alive because of my faith. I am still moving forward because of my faith. My faith that God will make all things right. That God will return all that has been taken from me.

I believe with all of my broken-heart that God will continue to heal it and to mold my new life into something far greater than I’ve ever experienced before. Something that will make a difference in the world. Even if it’s through this blog, my book, the way I live my life. Somehow the message of hope will prevail.

People often ask me how I make it through each day. Simple, unseen, but heart-felt belief in God.

Until next time

m

Thanksgiving Message

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Thanksgiving for the past 3 years has been extremely difficult for me. Losing my only child has made it very difficult to see the things I am thankful for. The things I should be thankful for. You have to understand – when life isn’t going so well – and you’ve lost all that you know to be true – it’s hard to see the blessings.

Monday, November 30th would have been her 21st birthday. Over the past 3 years her friends, family and I have celebrated it by eating Mac and Cheese and having a Starbucks Carmel Frappachino. But this year I just don’t even want to do that. In fact, the thought of it makes me nauseated.

This 3rd year seems to be harder than the last few years. Not sure why. Maybe just because. Or maybe because so many other parts of my life are a mess. The only good thing I got to hold onto is that I know God loves me. And that is what keeps me going. Because seriously if I didn’t have that – I wouldn’t be able to sustain the life I live now.

I was talking with some friends and I was telling them how I was feeling – they all said that they felt I was here to help others. That even though I have had some incredibly bad things happen in my life – that God is using me to help others. And on some levels I do see that, especially when I hear from people who have been helped either by my story or by my blog. But there are times when I feel I don’t have much left to give.

What does that say? It says I need to slow down and let God fill me back up. I need to receive a little bit. So for the next few days I will be spending that time with God – just me and Him. Talking, praying, reading – just being in His presence soaking up all He has to give me.

Until next time

M