Category: grief journey

9/11

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I remember clearly where I was when the attack happened on the first tower. It was my day off and I was doing one of the things I loved to do on my day off – drink coffee and watch the Today show. As I sat on the couch watching that morning and hearing that perhaps a prop plane had hit the building. And then the 2nd plane hit….it sent chills up my spine. I distinctively understood that this event was going to change our world. And it has.

The many hours of coverage that day was hard to watch, hard to imagine was happening and broke my heart over and over for those who could not get out. The first responders who tried to save those in peril, who risked their lives to assist. The graphic photos and film depicts the violence that occurred that day. People running all around not knowing what to do, or what just happened. Those of us who sat and watched on television – in disbelief as what had just occurred and for a feeling of helplessness.

It is times like 9/11 that have reminded us just how fortunate we are to live in a country where when something so tragic happened to our fellow citizens, we arose as a nation and stood along the side of the many families and friends who lost loved ones, our government and said to the world “we are a united nation and we will not tolerate this type of attack” “this will not defeat us – it will only make us stronger”.

What I want to convey in this message today is that while the tributes are wonderful and touching, it is the day-to-day life that remains a heavy burden on those left behind. The grief continues long after will forever remain the “brick” that we carry in our pocket. A constant reminder of the gravity of our losses, no matter when the loss occurred or how, grief will always remain.

So to the families that lost a loved one on 9/11 – I stand with you as a sister in grief. This has  become part of who we are and we take it with us, not to continually mourn, but to serve as a reminder that our loss, our sorrow, our pain continues long after the memorials, tributes and services. But what also continues, it what is most important – the memories of our loved ones, the faith that carries us and the strength we get from others.

until next time,

m

 

Memories

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Continuing my blog series through the book “Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss” by Susan Duke.

Chapter 8 – Memories

Initially when I first read this chapter I wasn’t sure just how to break it down into a process I could agree with. For me in the early weeks and months after my daughter’s death – it was the memories that made me cry, wail and just plain fall to the floor in agony – my heart filled with such gut-wrenching grief.

It has been a process over the past four years to come to a place where memories are a source of comfort most of the time. I can now watch video of Brittany and not look away and sob uncontrollably. Interestingly enough in the early days I could watch the videos feeling somewhat numb – tears didn’t fall – laughter didn’t happen – it was just a numbness that washed over me. Then the tears fell and the pain so profound, I had to stop looking at her memory book, stop looking at her videos. I found that when my eyes found her picture that sits in my living room, I’d briefly stop and then my eyes would divert – just too painful to go there.

I have come to now appreciate the many videos and pictures I have collected over the years. I believe God gives us these memories to bath our wounded hearts but you have to be ready and open to receive the grace that God gives you to be able to see that. And that doesn’t come easily nor does it come quickly. It’s a process that takes it’s own unique time to happen. Our part is to  be open and receive it.

In the book I highlighted a few sentences that became the words I held onto when I didn’t want to remember because it was too painful. “Memories are a vital part of our healing” (2006 Duke). But as Duke eludes to memories you cannot hug. I remember reading that for the first time and I think I may have cried for hours. Where I was at that moment was angry that I could no longer experience hugging my daughter. It was devastating to me. Some of my most difficult times have been surrounded by a memory that floods into my mind. I’ve learned how to manage those times over the years, but there are times when it still is difficult to linger for very long.

I would never trade any of my memories or times that I shared with Brittany. They are now a place I can go and have a proud feeling in my heart that I had such a great gift given to me by God to  be a mother, Brittany’s mother for nearly 18 years. I was truly blessed. That is how I have to see it going forward in order to keep from losing it every time I speak of her or think of her. I want those memories to bring me some joy not sorrow. I’m so very weary of the sorrow.

I will close with a scripture passage Susan Duke ends her chapter with as it is so very appropriate.

“Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things….Think about all  you can praise God for and be glad about.” – Philippians 4:8 TLB

So for me I remember my lovely Brittany and dwell on the good things and I praise God that I was able to experience that time and happy to have had her in my life even for such a short time. She made me a better person. She had a huge impact on the people she loved and her love lives on in them today.

until next time,

m

Coping with special occasions

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Chapter 7 from Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss by Susan Duke

I’m actually passing some of the material in this chapter as I’ve visited the topic of gifts many times before. Decided I’d review something I believe is so very important for a grieving parent. A topic Duke talks about mid way through this chapter – dealing with special occasions. I think it continues to be a very source of anxiety for me even after nearly five years since Brittany’s death. The longing for things to be as they were and knowing they cannot be is often so painful that there have been times I just wanted to sleep through them.

I’m about to enter what I call the dark days again…..they just keep returning each each around September and stay until New Years. It’s a time of great memories and great heartache. Some days the memories are so profound and magical that I find myself so thankful I can recall them. Then there are days when the memories are so hard to handle. Duke relates so well to this issue that she states “Even years after our loss, despite how much healing has occurred in our lives, certain events often make us wish we could cancel these dates from the rest of our lives.” I too feel that way – still today.

There are things we can do to help ourselves and others during these times and I would encourage you all to be mindful that the holidays are the worst time for those who have lost loved ones. It can be a lonely time. And it can remain that way for a very long time.

While attending Grace Community Church in Indianapolis, I enjoyed the Remembrance Service the church put on each fall to help remember those loved ones that had gone on to Heaven before us. It was a bonding experience with those, like me, who had to deal with the on-going pain of the upcoming holiday season. I will  miss that this year. Now I find myself having to find another way to release that memory, that pain for it overshadows everything I do during the holidays.

Making new memories has been hard for me, moving back to Indy helped me reconnect with family that I had lost touch with over the many years of being away. Now I find myself in a new city, facing this holiday with an uncertain plan. I must however have a plan. It’s so important for me to ensure my ability to make new memories, while respecting my past life with Brittany. It’s a delicate balance and one that I can’t afford to be without.

It is so important to bring a season of celebration and love from the one who has been lost because it marks the blessing that enriched your life for a different season in your life. Creating a sense of celebration and new traditions allows you to incorporate the blessings of the old life with the blessings of the new life.

Some of the traditions I have today are from the great woman who raised me. I choose to light a candle for Brittany on her birthday. I eat macaroni and cheese because it was her favorite food. I wear the dog tags that were made by her friends for her Celebration of Life for the month of October and her “Brittany” bracelet for the month of November, her birth month. For Christmas I hang a special ornament or two just in memory of Brittany.

It’s all bittersweet sometimes and I have to allow the tears to fall. But I would never, ever trade one day of those memories of my life with her. It’s the days without her that are at some times unbearable, but it’s those moments with her wonderful smile or her funny wit that I am reminded of a beautiful spirit that surrounds me everyday and that spirit is my daughter.

until next time

m

The Quiet Silence

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Continuing my blogging series with “Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss by Susan Duke

Chapter 6: Beyond The Casserole

People may excite themselves in a glow of compassion, not by toasting their feet at the fire and saying, “Lord, teach  me more compassion,” but by going and seeking an object that needs compassion. – Henry Ward Beecher

This chapter was a tough one to re-read as it reminded me of the great pain that occurred after my daughter’s death – a pain I didn’t see coming. I renamed the chapter for it was the “Quiet Silence” that broke my heart over and over in the months after Brittany’s death.

The quiet silence came after my family went back to Indiana and other various places. Friends stopped coming by and life went on. My reality was that life wasn’t going on. I felt I was suspended in a place I could not get out of. My life that I knew was no more. It died at 6:55 am on October 13th and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say and I certainly didn’t know how I was to go on.

What I was left with was a pile of sympathy cards, Tupperware dishes from the food that people brought by in the days after her funeral. I often sat in my loneliness reading those cards over and over again. I needed to hear it was going to be alright. That I was going to be able to breathe again. That I would be able to get up in the morning and be glad that I woke up. It was a dreadful time. And I felt so alone.

I noticed early on, like Susan, that people avoided me. I felt as though I had the plague. What I thought I needed so desperately was someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be ok. To just have a hug would have been so helpful. I know that people didn’t know what to say to me. In most grief books, it’s one of the most challenging themes – people just don’t know what to say, so they say nothing.

I went to church and did my best to move on as if nothing happened. Sometimes I could pull it off and other times, I had to leave the church in tears – the grief so overwhelming and the loneliness unbearable. I had a few good friends at church. Over time one family in particular came to my rescue more than once. Invited me to sit with them every Sunday up front. It was a nice change because just finding a “new” place to sit became stressful. Moving away from the “usual” place Brittany and I used to sit. I just couldn’t stay in that same place.

My friends outside of church, the usual circle of friends broke wide open. I was hurt most of all by that. I know now they didn’t feel comfortable being around me because they didn’t know what to do or say. But at the time – it was devastating to me. I remember one friend saying “you reminded me of what could happen to me”. It was during those first few weeks that I turned my full attention to God and his word. It was the only source of comfort I could find.

I finally was able to go back to work after three weeks. I had an incredible boss and a great group of work friends who supported me often. They brought food, cards, money and the thing I needed most – time. Many donated PTO “paid time off” to me so I could remain off for as long as I needed. Then one day I knew it was time to go back to work. I needed a distraction from the four walls at home. My boss, who I’m sure to this day, doesn’t know the true impact of what she and my co-workers did for me, despite my telling them many times.

My boss said to me “even if you work one hour and then have to go home, that’s progress”. So the first few days were tough. I didn’t make it much longer than an hour the first day. Then as the days and weeks wore on I had returned to a full day and it felt good. There were times though that I had to stop and take a moment to regain my composure, especially when I’d see a teenage girl or someone or something that would remind me of Brittany.

One of the true lessons I learned from this experience is that the quiet silence that a grieving parent or anyone who grieves feels after a loss can be devastating and can prevent them from taking that first step out in faith to reach out and say “I need to talk” or “I just need someone to come and be with me.” I beg of you who read this that if you ever have to befriend anyone who is in the midst of a loss – go to them. Be with them and hug them, comfort them and most of all show them compassion.

Susan wrote “acknowledgement is priceless. When we are grieving, we don’t know how to ask for help. We don’t know what we need. We wait in silence, knowing friends are giving us time, but wondering if friendship will endure now that grief has changed our lives.” This is exactly how I felt and what I experienced. Even from my own family.

I was fortunate to have a few friends that have remained so close to my heart for it was their continued compassion for years after Brittany’s death that gave me the strength to endure. More than they could ever know. They acknowledged my pain by validating me. It was that acknowledgment that I came to know as grace. I know I wrote them letters and talked to them by phone many a time. But honestly I don’t think I could have ever told them in words how much their investment in me meant. So I pray that God gives them grace and an abundance over their lives.

At the end of the chapter Susan talks about life moving on. The guilt that is felt in the beginning when you do move on. That happened to me as well. Now after nearly five years – I can go on and do things without guilt. But it’s in the quiet moments when I look to long at her picture or watch her video that I still feel the sting of grief and I can only ask God to take it away from me. The loss my dear friends is still profound. It’s still just as painful. I have just learned to live with it and to accept God’s grace in the midst.

until next time

m

 

 

It was the month of October

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Continuing my blogging series: Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss by Susan Duke

Chapter 5 – October’s Song

After I read this chapter again, I have lost count how many times, I was reminded that although October will never again be a month I look forward to, Susan and I had this fateful month in common. And it is one of my most favorite chapters. You’ll see why as you read on.

In this chapter Susan’s speaks of the anger she experienced, unexpectedly, and the guilt she felt over having these “anger episodes”. I too had these unexpected episodes of anger, however mine came much later. It was the month of February. While still living in Michigan in the house that Brittany and I shared.

Like Susan, my anger came out during a normal activity that usually brought either joy or it was just a normal routine. For Susan it was planting Fall flowers. For me it was shoveling snow. I think I remained in the shock phase for several months because Brittany’s death came on the heels of my mother’s death anniversary in September and then Brittany’s birthday followed in November – then of course the holidays. In looking back I think it was my body’s/ mind’s way of protecting me. But after the first of the year, it all came to head.

I found myself yelling at objects like they could actually hear me. I yelled at the snow, the shovel, then I yelled at the snow plow. I must have looked like I’d gone stark raving mad to my neighbors. Yet they always would call and say “are you alright” “do you need anything” – I had great neighbors.

Like Susan I too found a resource that allowed me to understand what was happening to me. That the anger I was feeling was normal and that it needed to be heard and felt. That is was part of the stages of grief. Today, I don’t go there very often, but I do believe it will always be a part of the process, the journey that I’ll be on for the remainder of my days. It just looks different.

Susan talks about the gifts from God that came to her during those times. I too had those. Our stories are so much alike it’s somewhat scary. I read her book and I see my story. My feelings were validate more in her book than in any other book or therapy session. I strongly suggest if you have lost someone – read her book. For me, it was life-saving. That was one of my gifts from God.

Some of the other gifts came in different shapes, sizes and from different people, some known some unknown. The two gifts I remember that turned the journey towards a more positive light came from two very unlikely sources. Both had a powerful message and both left me believing God heard my many cries and felt my broken heart.

The first gift came while I was going through the last remains of Brittany’s things. My sister-in-law had gone through most of her things early on and we’d given them away to friends or to the Goodwill. During a time when I was severely struggling with why she died and missing her terribly I was moved to go into her room. I sat on the floor for the longest time remembering the many great times we’d had in there. Laughing while laying on her bed telling stories about people or life. Sharing a quiet moment together while reading our own books. It brought heavy tears to my eyes.

As I glanced around the room, I saw something under the bed. I reached for it and found a disposable camera. I wondered what it was from and decided to have it processed the next day. Before leaving her room, I looked in her closet and found a few items still hanging, things I still hadn’t been able to let go of yet. As I rummaged through some things on the floor of the closet I saw a binder from school. I thought my sister-in-law had gotten rid of all these things. As I opened it up at first it looked empty, but peeking out of the corner was a piece of paper. I pulled it out and looked at it in disbelief.

This piece of paper turned into several pieces of paper which was a project she had worked on at the end of her 10th grade year. Over a year later – I wasn’t sure how or why that was still in her binder. None of it made any sense as this was not the same binder she had then. As I sat and read the contents of the paper I began to sob and wail and fall apart because the paper was an assignment she had done in her Life class. It was titled: My Last Day on Earth.

It was five pages of questions about who she wanted to do her eulogy. What song she wanted played at her funeral. What words did she want them to say. What did she want them to know. Then a drawing of what grief looked like to her or how it would look to those left behind – I wasn’t sure which. The the final page was a picture she drew of herself with her hands raised up to a cross and  sunshine rays. Then I knew – this was a gift from God. There was no other rational explanation. I believe that to this day.

The other gift was a dream. I don’t dream much anymore and especially didn’t after her death. But this one dream was so vivid and so colorful and her voice so clear. I know God sent her to me to let me know she was ok and with the angels.

My dear friends, God does hear us weep. He loves us enough to send us gifts to comfort us – we just have to be open to receive it. Just as with any other blessing that comes our way from God – we need to be open and available to receive it. It’s these gifts that I have found comfort and knowledge that God is with me. And as time continues to pass I have found I am not as open to the messages as I need to be. It has become easier to shut down the emotion and keep looking forward. But that can take a toll.

It’s a delicate balance to look back briefly and then look forward and keep believing God will continue with me and for me for the rest of my days. It’s a journey that I will always be on and I just have to remember who my guide is and that is God. Like Susan, my season of grief has evolved over the past few years and I expect it will continue to evolve. It still stings from time to time if I linger too long in one place. That is when God gives me a little nudge that says move on my dear one move on – I’m here. This I know to be true.

until next time,

m

Why Why Why

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Continuing my series of blogging through Susan Duke’s “Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss”

Chapter Four- The Perpetual Why

“Faith does not always come from quiet contemplation or meditation. It is sometimes born among the raging of questions with no answers, pain with no relief, hope that has no reason to exist” – Randy Becton (Duke, 2006).

I added the quote above because I felt it needed to be said. I’ve often spoke about the “ranting and raving” I  have done over the many years, pacing about and asking God, demanding God to give me an answer as to why so many bad things have happened to me. Why me? What have I done? Why can’t things be easier? Why do so many get to through life with so much as a scrape and some have the scars that cover their hearts from so many painful life stories – why? Then the following was said to me: “why not you”.

Some days the guilt of asking why me has driven me to remember that I am not in control of my life story as it was created, just in control of how it is lived out. I choose everyday to get up and make a difference. It’s a choice I don’t nor haven’t made lightly. It is difficult some days to see through the fog. I find that when I focus on living a life of purpose – the need to know why isn’t so important. What I have found to be enlightening is that the more important issue is what do I do now to make a difference. To honor the memory of my daughter and her life – what she stood for – what she believed in. It was all so simple. Love.

One of most profound statements Duke makes in this chapter is about allowing these moments of questioning to block your journey forward. Asking why has always been part of my journey forward, yet in the early days those questions of why where filled with anger and sorrow. Occasionally I have those moments, but more often the times when I ask why, it’s because I want to understand my purpose. The purpose behind so much pain. Because for me there has to be some purpose for it all. I cannot simply believe it happened just because. That is not acceptable to me.

As Duke relates how and when she still questions why her son died, yet his friend was spared. And then after much praying his friend immediately got better. Yet her son died. I too felt that way. So often people miraculously survive events, even those like Brit’s, yet she didn’t. The best medicine couldn’t save her. Why? I’ll never why or at least until I come face to face with God. But I can only come to terms with it by knowing it was her time. We were blessed she made it through the first time when she was 11 months old. We got a great gift for 17 more years. Truly a gift.

One of the points I wanted to make with this chapter is that if you in the space of your journey and you are asking why – the answers won’t come from asking why – they will come from the most unusual sources. You will only be able to see the answers if you are open to receive them. It’s so easy to stay in a constant state of asking why. But it will stonewall your progress. And the blessings that can come will be blocked. And yes, even in the midst of grief – there are blessings.

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 40:31

This is another bible verse that I wrote down that kept me moving forward, when all I wanted to do was forget I existed. I prayed this as a prayer for many many weeks and months after Brit’s death. I still do from time to time. What I know to be true is those very words from Isaiah 40:31. I have hope, I have renewed strength, I have soared upon the wings of an eagle and I have continued on my journey moving forward with great determination.

until next time,

m

Reflections of Grace

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Continuing my series of blogging through Susan Duke’s “Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss”

Chapter Three – Reflections of Grace

I came to know and see grace differently after Britt’s death. I don’t think I ever really knew what having grace meant before even after my mom’s death some 18 years earlier. Grace was a foreign concept to me even being a christian which I know might sound odd.

In this chapter the author writes about her experience during the funeral of her son. There were moments when she felt like escaping, found what some people said to her was insensitive and also found a message that gave her a gift she has treasured all these years. I too experienced those same things. From the letters and flowers to the numbers of students who filled the room, to the moment when her best friends got up collectively along with her boyfriend and gave a testimony to the impact she had on their lives. It touched my heart then and the memory of that moment still does today.

A Cocoon of Grace….

Knowing that God has been with me through this entire journey has been a comfort like none other. The author speaks of that throughout this chapter. One of the quotes from the bible is one of my all time favorite. I wrote it on a piece of paper and carried it with me for months. When I would have moments where I didn’t think I could carry on, I’d get it out and read it. Or I’d reach in my pocket while at work and just grasp it and know it was there and repeat it over and over to get through the moment.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted / and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Palsm 34:18)

What does that look like? It looks like someone noticing you are having a moment and they come and comfort you. They take you by the hand and say “go take a break I’ll cover for you”. You get a card or letter that day that makes all the difference. An email arrives with a message that has been heavy on your heart. It’s all coming from God through others. It’s called Grace.

Surviving Tomorrow….

This came early for me in the book and when I originally read it I couldn’t imagine surviving an hour. Coming to terms with the fact that I couldn’t have controlled what happened to Brittany. That I did what I could over the many years to get her the help she needed to be as healthy as possible. I gave her the best life I knew to give. I was a good mom. What I did have control over is how I would respond to her death. How I would move on. How I would honor her memory moving forward.

Some days moving forward has meant progress and some days it has meant moving backwards. Just when I think “I got this” – it all comes crashing around me and I feel as though I am fooling myself. But at the end of the day I know I am a survivor and I am here for a purpose. Although a piece of me is gone forever. The poem I wrote about missing Brittany speaks to that missing part of my heart. That hole that will forever remain. But God’s grace has placed a patch over it and the ache isn’t as bad today as it was in the early days.

I’ve learned that today is a gift and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Some days I’m better at surviving than others, but I am surviving and as painful as that is some times it is better because of the grace God grants me each and every day.

until next time,

m

I’ll Never Be The Same

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Continuing my blogging series through Susan Duke’s “Grieving Forward – Embracing Life After Loss”

Chapter Two – I’ll Never Be The Same

Well I would imagine that title speaks volumes to those of us who have lost a child or loved one. You would think that it would be a common thought but I can tell you that many people think you can be your “old” self after such a tragedy and it was mind blowing to me to think that anyone would think it possible.

After reading this chapter over and over these past years I can say without a shadow of a doubt I am a changed person. The moment I walked out of that hospital I became someone else. Everything I looked at took on a different meaning. Food didn’t taste the same. Joy had left my heart. I truly didn’t care about anything. I just wanted to be left alone. Hoping to quietly disappear into a cloud of dust and forgotten. The pain was that raw and that profound.

Getting up each day was difficult. Really I would think to myself “why – what’s the point”. In looking back it was a dreadful time and not sure, other than by the grace of God, did I survive it. In the book, the author talks about not knowing what to say or how to pray. I know I had that feeling too. Because the very prayer I made at the bedside was one I wish I could have taken back. I wrestled over that prayer for many months because I had such guilt over my words. I questioned my choice of words. “God, if you cannot bring her back healthy, then take her so she will not suffer any longer.” – that was my prayer and God granted it.

The selfish mother in me wanted to take that back so many times. But in all honesty I would have rather her go to Heaven then suffer here on earth. But even with that realization, I still wondered why I didn’t pray for a miracle. Oh the blame I have placed on myself for that. But I also know things happen for a reason. Many of which we do not have the answers for. That will always be one I’ll have a conversation with God about when my time comes. It has taken many years to get over that guilt.

One of the prayers that the author spoke of is from the 23rd Psalm. I remembered using it myself and reciting it over when nothing else came to me. There is a comfort in reciting a prayer or a thought – “mantra” if you will for those of you who think along those lines. I think it can bring a little clarity to your thoughts. For me my thoughts were running wildly and weren’t making much sense. Reading the bible, certain passages I found that gave me strength and got me through some tough times.

Some of the toughest times were those when I would begin to think about the future and what it would hold for me. I was no stranger to change in my life. But this was more than just change for me, it was living a life I wasn’t familiar with. For the first time in many  years I had no one. No one to care for, no one to get up in the morning to get ready for school. No one to cook for. No one to love. It was a profoundly difficult time. Grief does that. It changes you.

The author speaks about “The Valley of Change” and going through the stages of grief. She uses some various quotes along the way from different authors. I highlighted those in my book because I found them to be helpful in understanding why I felt the way I did and it also became a source of validation that I wasn’t imagining my feelings or thoughts. They were very real and they were very relevant. This is an important step in the grieving process.

The author agrees, like I do, that you have to go through this journey with a clear head. Medication or medicating your pain will only delay the inevitable. You have to come to terms with your grief. Or it will haunt you for the rest of your days. I’m not saying medication isn’t part of the journey, but it has to be in conjunction with therapy and it must be monitored. My medication was my writing. It was cathartic and continues to be so today – almost five years later.

The Valley of Disbelief….

I think it took me a couple of weeks to finally get Brittany wasn’t coming home. She died on Friday, the day she was to go to her dad’s for the week. Then the following Friday – she didn’t come home. I cried that whole weekend. Reality began to set in. Like the author, I too experienced situations, or things that would set me off. I couldn’t even sleep in my own room, because I would always pass by Brit’s room and say good night then enter my own bedroom. It took three months before I could walk past her room at night and go into mine to sleep. Progress.

Something the author mentioned I feel needs repeating. It’s one of the most important things anyone can do for someone who is in the early phases of grief. Be present. Be there. Be of comfort.

The loving support of friends and family is essential in the first days of grief. There is simply no substitute for the human touch of sympathy (Duke, 2006).”

The Valley of Unknowns….

It goes without saying that the sense of the unknown continues to prevail for a long time after the passing of a child. You live in unchartered waters. Especially if it is an only child that has passed. Life as you know it will never be the same. Not only has the present changed, but your future has changed as well. All the plans dreamed, prepared for have now been swiped clean from your future and now you are left to rewrite it. This is the hard part of grief. Rewriting your story.

The one thing that I know has helped me through some tough spots is knowing there have been others who have gone before me and survived such a loss. The author speaks of a friend who came to be with her who had lost her son just three years prior. There is something of like a kinship to be with people who have experienced loss. Words don’t even have to be spoken. I think the hearts speak to one another. It’s hard to explain it.

The Valley of Anger….

I spent a long time in this space. I don’t visit it much anymore. In fact, I try to stay away from it all these days. But in the early days, weeks and months I was very angry. I was angry with God, myself, Brit’s doctors. I wanted answers and they did not come. It’s important to release  your anger but in a controlled way. Otherwise it can set you back and block you from moving on in your journey. Acknowledging your anger is key. Understanding that it will come and go is important. That it is ok to be angry – ask Job. Read his story – you’ll understand what I mean.

The Valley of Reality…..

“The kind of pain that comes from the sudden death of a child is beyond description. Experts agree that on a scale of one to ten, the death of a child ranks a ten. When the death is unexpected or sudden, the devastation breaks the scale (Duke, 2006).”

The moment I read that quote from her book, I felt a sigh of relief because what I was feeling was exactly that. My pain was off the charts. I was left with an emptiness that no great memory could cure. Every time I looked at her picture my heart-broken again and again. To this day, I avoid looking for very long at her pictures. I haven’t seen her video in over a year and I’m not sure I can. It’s just too painful to go back for anything length of time. It’s hard to breathe some days because I miss her so, but God has continued to bless me with good friends and a great family. That has made all the difference.

until next time,

m

The Sky Is Falling

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Chapter 1 of my blog through “Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss” by Susan Duke

As the author begins to tell her story of hearing the news that her son had been in an awful car accident, it becomes very apparent that this is going to be a tough read. Her story, as she relates it, is very similar to mine. Yet in looking back to the first time I read this book, I was in awe at how she could be so sorrowful and unsure of the future, yet remain faithful. Now after reading this book at least five times, I can tell you it is and always has been about faith. Faith is tested over and over through this book and throughout my journey. Faith is the key to unlocking the door of sorrow and pain to joy and peace.

Getting the news….

Suddenly hearing the news that your loved one has been hurt or is sick is one of the most gut-wrenching things that can happen to a person. But to a mother it touches your soul like nothing else I know. There is a sense of panic and urgency to get to them as quickly as possible. To not leave their side for a minute. I know that I never left Brit’s side except for a quick trip to the restroom. Somehow I instinctively knew my time with her was limited. I had to spend as much time as I could praying and holding her hand because that is all I could do – everything else was out of my control.

As I read through chapter one I knew that the author had experienced that “lack of control” feeling because she was not there for him when the accident occurred. She was not in the room while the doctors fought to save his life. It must  have been dreadful to not be in that room. As a nurse I know it’s the worse feeling and as a daughter, granddaughter and mother, I know all too well that feeling that I don’t know what to do or what to say but just to sit and pray.

So as she waited in the waiting room praying and hoping for a miracle – it did not come. The doctors came out and told her the words no parent should ever hear – “your son is gone”. My heart tore wide open for her as I read that. I read this book for the first time three to six months after Brit passed away. The memories still vivid in my head those last few hours of Brit’s life. The multiple codes and attempts to resuscitate her. How with each one my heart broke a little more. Then hearing the words in the very early hours that morning on October 13, 2006 – “her heart can’t take much more” and the nurse who sat on the bed performing chest compressions, our eyes met and locked and I knew she was feeling hopeless yet she continued diligently. As we looked around the room everyone’s face told the story and I said “enough”. It all stopped and my daughter quietly passed away into God’s arms at 6:55 am.

The author speaks about coming home after the hospital and having heard that her son had just passed away. Feeling numb and confused, somewhat disoriented to place and time. That is the shock of hearing something so horrific that your body goes into this protective mode. That is how you are able to function during the days and weeks after a child’s death. It’s as if someone else is in charge of your body and you are just along for the ride. I was even able to sit down at my computer that day and write the following:

Today, October 13th, my daughter Brittany passed away from heart failure. She was 17. I mourn for her, yet I know she is now with God and is healthy. No more seizures. No more pain. No more sadness. How wonderful it must be to be in the presence of God and see the beauty of life with no bad.

I’m am very sad. The reason I live is now gone. I feel as if I have lost my identity. I haven’t felt this much pain since my mom died 18 years ago. Now I have buried my mother, my grandmother and now my daughter. God this sucks! It is everything I can do to breathe.

Leaving her a the hospital was the worst. Even though I know she is in heaven with God. The mother in me didn’t want to leave her.

Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.

Not sure where that ability came from, but what I do know is that it was the beginning of a journey that would take me to places I couldn’t have imagined. My soul opened up over the next few years and I wrote about all of it. I think back that that weekend and how I went through the motions. Many people came and dropped off food and family came and went. Friends stayed with me helping me prepare for her Celebration of Life that Sunday. I even designed the program. How – I don’t know, but I did it.

The author talks about the “voice of darkness” and I knew that voice well over the first few months and years. Especially when you are alone and vulnerable the voice of darkness comes and attempts to discourage, destroy and consume you. I remember a passage where the author says something that I’ll never forget was the moment I knew this book would help me because she knew what I was feeling right then.

“How could my son – so energetic and vibrant, so happy and full of dreams – not be coming home? Lord, this can’t be! He’s only eighteen (Duke, 2006)!”

As she remembered that moment she had been laying on the floor face down crying out to God asking “Have I done something wrong?” and I so remember laying on my floor and sobbing, wailing to God and asking why. I felt like I had nothing left to give to the world because everything had been taken from me that mattered.

It was in those moments that I found the only comfort was my silver bible. I reached for it and read if often, clutched to my heart, ranted and stomped through my house demanding answers from God. Then collapsing onto the floor and reading passages through a flood of tears and knowing there was a sense a peace that would come when I leaned on God and His word. This was a very valuable lesson I learned for this author. And I know for sure that this first chapter was the turning point for me and I hope if you read her book, you too will find that starting place that will bring you out of the dark and into the light – one step at a time.

Until next time,

m

New Book Choice Revealed

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Good morning and happy Sunday

I have chosen a new book to blog through and I hope you all will find my thoughts, my insight and my heart poured out for you helpful. This book I’m about to share with you has been read many times over the past four years and I’m sure it will be many times again. Each time it has given me a new hope and new path to travel and it is my hope that you will obtain this book for yourself and let the words of this author reach out and touch you the way she has me.

The name of the book is “Grieving Forward” Embracing Life Beyond Loss by Susan Duke. I have had several email contacts with her over the years and she has been very helpful to me in creating my own outlet, this blog and my own book, by encouraging me and being a supportive mentor.

I’m very busy now as I have gone back to school to complete my masters in nursing leadership. So yes I will be very busy, but not busy enough that I won’t be writing weekly here. This blog still serves as a healing place for me to put it all out there and until it no longer serves a purpose, I’ll keep writing. And I hope you keep reading.

So here is an introduction to Susan Duke and her amazing story:

In October 1990 Susan Duke received the worst news of her life. Her son, Thomas, had been in an accident. After she reached the hospital it was very clear that the accident had been a serious one.  After a short while the doctor came out and gave her the news that changed her life from that moment on. Her 18 yr old son was gone.

I can’t even begin to share with  you all how much her story resonates with mine. Her thoughts, her fears, her faith, her resilience and her steadfast determination to move forward. Susan’s book was life-changing for me. Her words seem to speak how I felt. The pain I suffered through and the glimpses of God, even in the early moments after Brittany’s death – I was able to see.

In the preface on page 11 Susan quotes Elie Wiesel whose words keep me writing and telling  my story – because it is in all of our stories that we find healing can be brought to those who follow in our footsteps and sadly there will be more to follow.

“Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must tell the story. That is his duty.” – Elie Wiesel (1994) Healing After Loss

So I write……

until next time

m