Category: grief journey

Why Why Why

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Continuing my series of blogging through Susan Duke’s “Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss”

Chapter Four- The Perpetual Why

“Faith does not always come from quiet contemplation or meditation. It is sometimes born among the raging of questions with no answers, pain with no relief, hope that has no reason to exist” – Randy Becton (Duke, 2006).

I added the quote above because I felt it needed to be said. I’ve often spoke about the “ranting and raving” I  have done over the many years, pacing about and asking God, demanding God to give me an answer as to why so many bad things have happened to me. Why me? What have I done? Why can’t things be easier? Why do so many get to through life with so much as a scrape and some have the scars that cover their hearts from so many painful life stories – why? Then the following was said to me: “why not you”.

Some days the guilt of asking why me has driven me to remember that I am not in control of my life story as it was created, just in control of how it is lived out. I choose everyday to get up and make a difference. It’s a choice I don’t nor haven’t made lightly. It is difficult some days to see through the fog. I find that when I focus on living a life of purpose – the need to know why isn’t so important. What I have found to be enlightening is that the more important issue is what do I do now to make a difference. To honor the memory of my daughter and her life – what she stood for – what she believed in. It was all so simple. Love.

One of most profound statements Duke makes in this chapter is about allowing these moments of questioning to block your journey forward. Asking why has always been part of my journey forward, yet in the early days those questions of why where filled with anger and sorrow. Occasionally I have those moments, but more often the times when I ask why, it’s because I want to understand my purpose. The purpose behind so much pain. Because for me there has to be some purpose for it all. I cannot simply believe it happened just because. That is not acceptable to me.

As Duke relates how and when she still questions why her son died, yet his friend was spared. And then after much praying his friend immediately got better. Yet her son died. I too felt that way. So often people miraculously survive events, even those like Brit’s, yet she didn’t. The best medicine couldn’t save her. Why? I’ll never why or at least until I come face to face with God. But I can only come to terms with it by knowing it was her time. We were blessed she made it through the first time when she was 11 months old. We got a great gift for 17 more years. Truly a gift.

One of the points I wanted to make with this chapter is that if you in the space of your journey and you are asking why – the answers won’t come from asking why – they will come from the most unusual sources. You will only be able to see the answers if you are open to receive them. It’s so easy to stay in a constant state of asking why. But it will stonewall your progress. And the blessings that can come will be blocked. And yes, even in the midst of grief – there are blessings.

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 40:31

This is another bible verse that I wrote down that kept me moving forward, when all I wanted to do was forget I existed. I prayed this as a prayer for many many weeks and months after Brit’s death. I still do from time to time. What I know to be true is those very words from Isaiah 40:31. I have hope, I have renewed strength, I have soared upon the wings of an eagle and I have continued on my journey moving forward with great determination.

until next time,

m

Reflections of Grace

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Continuing my series of blogging through Susan Duke’s “Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss”

Chapter Three – Reflections of Grace

I came to know and see grace differently after Britt’s death. I don’t think I ever really knew what having grace meant before even after my mom’s death some 18 years earlier. Grace was a foreign concept to me even being a christian which I know might sound odd.

In this chapter the author writes about her experience during the funeral of her son. There were moments when she felt like escaping, found what some people said to her was insensitive and also found a message that gave her a gift she has treasured all these years. I too experienced those same things. From the letters and flowers to the numbers of students who filled the room, to the moment when her best friends got up collectively along with her boyfriend and gave a testimony to the impact she had on their lives. It touched my heart then and the memory of that moment still does today.

A Cocoon of Grace….

Knowing that God has been with me through this entire journey has been a comfort like none other. The author speaks of that throughout this chapter. One of the quotes from the bible is one of my all time favorite. I wrote it on a piece of paper and carried it with me for months. When I would have moments where I didn’t think I could carry on, I’d get it out and read it. Or I’d reach in my pocket while at work and just grasp it and know it was there and repeat it over and over to get through the moment.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted / and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Palsm 34:18)

What does that look like? It looks like someone noticing you are having a moment and they come and comfort you. They take you by the hand and say “go take a break I’ll cover for you”. You get a card or letter that day that makes all the difference. An email arrives with a message that has been heavy on your heart. It’s all coming from God through others. It’s called Grace.

Surviving Tomorrow….

This came early for me in the book and when I originally read it I couldn’t imagine surviving an hour. Coming to terms with the fact that I couldn’t have controlled what happened to Brittany. That I did what I could over the many years to get her the help she needed to be as healthy as possible. I gave her the best life I knew to give. I was a good mom. What I did have control over is how I would respond to her death. How I would move on. How I would honor her memory moving forward.

Some days moving forward has meant progress and some days it has meant moving backwards. Just when I think “I got this” – it all comes crashing around me and I feel as though I am fooling myself. But at the end of the day I know I am a survivor and I am here for a purpose. Although a piece of me is gone forever. The poem I wrote about missing Brittany speaks to that missing part of my heart. That hole that will forever remain. But God’s grace has placed a patch over it and the ache isn’t as bad today as it was in the early days.

I’ve learned that today is a gift and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Some days I’m better at surviving than others, but I am surviving and as painful as that is some times it is better because of the grace God grants me each and every day.

until next time,

m

I’ll Never Be The Same

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Continuing my blogging series through Susan Duke’s “Grieving Forward – Embracing Life After Loss”

Chapter Two – I’ll Never Be The Same

Well I would imagine that title speaks volumes to those of us who have lost a child or loved one. You would think that it would be a common thought but I can tell you that many people think you can be your “old” self after such a tragedy and it was mind blowing to me to think that anyone would think it possible.

After reading this chapter over and over these past years I can say without a shadow of a doubt I am a changed person. The moment I walked out of that hospital I became someone else. Everything I looked at took on a different meaning. Food didn’t taste the same. Joy had left my heart. I truly didn’t care about anything. I just wanted to be left alone. Hoping to quietly disappear into a cloud of dust and forgotten. The pain was that raw and that profound.

Getting up each day was difficult. Really I would think to myself “why – what’s the point”. In looking back it was a dreadful time and not sure, other than by the grace of God, did I survive it. In the book, the author talks about not knowing what to say or how to pray. I know I had that feeling too. Because the very prayer I made at the bedside was one I wish I could have taken back. I wrestled over that prayer for many months because I had such guilt over my words. I questioned my choice of words. “God, if you cannot bring her back healthy, then take her so she will not suffer any longer.” – that was my prayer and God granted it.

The selfish mother in me wanted to take that back so many times. But in all honesty I would have rather her go to Heaven then suffer here on earth. But even with that realization, I still wondered why I didn’t pray for a miracle. Oh the blame I have placed on myself for that. But I also know things happen for a reason. Many of which we do not have the answers for. That will always be one I’ll have a conversation with God about when my time comes. It has taken many years to get over that guilt.

One of the prayers that the author spoke of is from the 23rd Psalm. I remembered using it myself and reciting it over when nothing else came to me. There is a comfort in reciting a prayer or a thought – “mantra” if you will for those of you who think along those lines. I think it can bring a little clarity to your thoughts. For me my thoughts were running wildly and weren’t making much sense. Reading the bible, certain passages I found that gave me strength and got me through some tough times.

Some of the toughest times were those when I would begin to think about the future and what it would hold for me. I was no stranger to change in my life. But this was more than just change for me, it was living a life I wasn’t familiar with. For the first time in many  years I had no one. No one to care for, no one to get up in the morning to get ready for school. No one to cook for. No one to love. It was a profoundly difficult time. Grief does that. It changes you.

The author speaks about “The Valley of Change” and going through the stages of grief. She uses some various quotes along the way from different authors. I highlighted those in my book because I found them to be helpful in understanding why I felt the way I did and it also became a source of validation that I wasn’t imagining my feelings or thoughts. They were very real and they were very relevant. This is an important step in the grieving process.

The author agrees, like I do, that you have to go through this journey with a clear head. Medication or medicating your pain will only delay the inevitable. You have to come to terms with your grief. Or it will haunt you for the rest of your days. I’m not saying medication isn’t part of the journey, but it has to be in conjunction with therapy and it must be monitored. My medication was my writing. It was cathartic and continues to be so today – almost five years later.

The Valley of Disbelief….

I think it took me a couple of weeks to finally get Brittany wasn’t coming home. She died on Friday, the day she was to go to her dad’s for the week. Then the following Friday – she didn’t come home. I cried that whole weekend. Reality began to set in. Like the author, I too experienced situations, or things that would set me off. I couldn’t even sleep in my own room, because I would always pass by Brit’s room and say good night then enter my own bedroom. It took three months before I could walk past her room at night and go into mine to sleep. Progress.

Something the author mentioned I feel needs repeating. It’s one of the most important things anyone can do for someone who is in the early phases of grief. Be present. Be there. Be of comfort.

The loving support of friends and family is essential in the first days of grief. There is simply no substitute for the human touch of sympathy (Duke, 2006).”

The Valley of Unknowns….

It goes without saying that the sense of the unknown continues to prevail for a long time after the passing of a child. You live in unchartered waters. Especially if it is an only child that has passed. Life as you know it will never be the same. Not only has the present changed, but your future has changed as well. All the plans dreamed, prepared for have now been swiped clean from your future and now you are left to rewrite it. This is the hard part of grief. Rewriting your story.

The one thing that I know has helped me through some tough spots is knowing there have been others who have gone before me and survived such a loss. The author speaks of a friend who came to be with her who had lost her son just three years prior. There is something of like a kinship to be with people who have experienced loss. Words don’t even have to be spoken. I think the hearts speak to one another. It’s hard to explain it.

The Valley of Anger….

I spent a long time in this space. I don’t visit it much anymore. In fact, I try to stay away from it all these days. But in the early days, weeks and months I was very angry. I was angry with God, myself, Brit’s doctors. I wanted answers and they did not come. It’s important to release  your anger but in a controlled way. Otherwise it can set you back and block you from moving on in your journey. Acknowledging your anger is key. Understanding that it will come and go is important. That it is ok to be angry – ask Job. Read his story – you’ll understand what I mean.

The Valley of Reality…..

“The kind of pain that comes from the sudden death of a child is beyond description. Experts agree that on a scale of one to ten, the death of a child ranks a ten. When the death is unexpected or sudden, the devastation breaks the scale (Duke, 2006).”

The moment I read that quote from her book, I felt a sigh of relief because what I was feeling was exactly that. My pain was off the charts. I was left with an emptiness that no great memory could cure. Every time I looked at her picture my heart-broken again and again. To this day, I avoid looking for very long at her pictures. I haven’t seen her video in over a year and I’m not sure I can. It’s just too painful to go back for anything length of time. It’s hard to breathe some days because I miss her so, but God has continued to bless me with good friends and a great family. That has made all the difference.

until next time,

m

The Sky Is Falling

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Chapter 1 of my blog through “Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss” by Susan Duke

As the author begins to tell her story of hearing the news that her son had been in an awful car accident, it becomes very apparent that this is going to be a tough read. Her story, as she relates it, is very similar to mine. Yet in looking back to the first time I read this book, I was in awe at how she could be so sorrowful and unsure of the future, yet remain faithful. Now after reading this book at least five times, I can tell you it is and always has been about faith. Faith is tested over and over through this book and throughout my journey. Faith is the key to unlocking the door of sorrow and pain to joy and peace.

Getting the news….

Suddenly hearing the news that your loved one has been hurt or is sick is one of the most gut-wrenching things that can happen to a person. But to a mother it touches your soul like nothing else I know. There is a sense of panic and urgency to get to them as quickly as possible. To not leave their side for a minute. I know that I never left Brit’s side except for a quick trip to the restroom. Somehow I instinctively knew my time with her was limited. I had to spend as much time as I could praying and holding her hand because that is all I could do – everything else was out of my control.

As I read through chapter one I knew that the author had experienced that “lack of control” feeling because she was not there for him when the accident occurred. She was not in the room while the doctors fought to save his life. It must  have been dreadful to not be in that room. As a nurse I know it’s the worse feeling and as a daughter, granddaughter and mother, I know all too well that feeling that I don’t know what to do or what to say but just to sit and pray.

So as she waited in the waiting room praying and hoping for a miracle – it did not come. The doctors came out and told her the words no parent should ever hear – “your son is gone”. My heart tore wide open for her as I read that. I read this book for the first time three to six months after Brit passed away. The memories still vivid in my head those last few hours of Brit’s life. The multiple codes and attempts to resuscitate her. How with each one my heart broke a little more. Then hearing the words in the very early hours that morning on October 13, 2006 – “her heart can’t take much more” and the nurse who sat on the bed performing chest compressions, our eyes met and locked and I knew she was feeling hopeless yet she continued diligently. As we looked around the room everyone’s face told the story and I said “enough”. It all stopped and my daughter quietly passed away into God’s arms at 6:55 am.

The author speaks about coming home after the hospital and having heard that her son had just passed away. Feeling numb and confused, somewhat disoriented to place and time. That is the shock of hearing something so horrific that your body goes into this protective mode. That is how you are able to function during the days and weeks after a child’s death. It’s as if someone else is in charge of your body and you are just along for the ride. I was even able to sit down at my computer that day and write the following:

Today, October 13th, my daughter Brittany passed away from heart failure. She was 17. I mourn for her, yet I know she is now with God and is healthy. No more seizures. No more pain. No more sadness. How wonderful it must be to be in the presence of God and see the beauty of life with no bad.

I’m am very sad. The reason I live is now gone. I feel as if I have lost my identity. I haven’t felt this much pain since my mom died 18 years ago. Now I have buried my mother, my grandmother and now my daughter. God this sucks! It is everything I can do to breathe.

Leaving her a the hospital was the worst. Even though I know she is in heaven with God. The mother in me didn’t want to leave her.

Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.

Not sure where that ability came from, but what I do know is that it was the beginning of a journey that would take me to places I couldn’t have imagined. My soul opened up over the next few years and I wrote about all of it. I think back that that weekend and how I went through the motions. Many people came and dropped off food and family came and went. Friends stayed with me helping me prepare for her Celebration of Life that Sunday. I even designed the program. How – I don’t know, but I did it.

The author talks about the “voice of darkness” and I knew that voice well over the first few months and years. Especially when you are alone and vulnerable the voice of darkness comes and attempts to discourage, destroy and consume you. I remember a passage where the author says something that I’ll never forget was the moment I knew this book would help me because she knew what I was feeling right then.

“How could my son – so energetic and vibrant, so happy and full of dreams – not be coming home? Lord, this can’t be! He’s only eighteen (Duke, 2006)!”

As she remembered that moment she had been laying on the floor face down crying out to God asking “Have I done something wrong?” and I so remember laying on my floor and sobbing, wailing to God and asking why. I felt like I had nothing left to give to the world because everything had been taken from me that mattered.

It was in those moments that I found the only comfort was my silver bible. I reached for it and read if often, clutched to my heart, ranted and stomped through my house demanding answers from God. Then collapsing onto the floor and reading passages through a flood of tears and knowing there was a sense a peace that would come when I leaned on God and His word. This was a very valuable lesson I learned for this author. And I know for sure that this first chapter was the turning point for me and I hope if you read her book, you too will find that starting place that will bring you out of the dark and into the light – one step at a time.

Until next time,

m

New Book Choice Revealed

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Good morning and happy Sunday

I have chosen a new book to blog through and I hope you all will find my thoughts, my insight and my heart poured out for you helpful. This book I’m about to share with you has been read many times over the past four years and I’m sure it will be many times again. Each time it has given me a new hope and new path to travel and it is my hope that you will obtain this book for yourself and let the words of this author reach out and touch you the way she has me.

The name of the book is “Grieving Forward” Embracing Life Beyond Loss by Susan Duke. I have had several email contacts with her over the years and she has been very helpful to me in creating my own outlet, this blog and my own book, by encouraging me and being a supportive mentor.

I’m very busy now as I have gone back to school to complete my masters in nursing leadership. So yes I will be very busy, but not busy enough that I won’t be writing weekly here. This blog still serves as a healing place for me to put it all out there and until it no longer serves a purpose, I’ll keep writing. And I hope you keep reading.

So here is an introduction to Susan Duke and her amazing story:

In October 1990 Susan Duke received the worst news of her life. Her son, Thomas, had been in an accident. After she reached the hospital it was very clear that the accident had been a serious one.  After a short while the doctor came out and gave her the news that changed her life from that moment on. Her 18 yr old son was gone.

I can’t even begin to share with  you all how much her story resonates with mine. Her thoughts, her fears, her faith, her resilience and her steadfast determination to move forward. Susan’s book was life-changing for me. Her words seem to speak how I felt. The pain I suffered through and the glimpses of God, even in the early moments after Brittany’s death – I was able to see.

In the preface on page 11 Susan quotes Elie Wiesel whose words keep me writing and telling  my story – because it is in all of our stories that we find healing can be brought to those who follow in our footsteps and sadly there will be more to follow.

“Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must tell the story. That is his duty.” – Elie Wiesel (1994) Healing After Loss

So I write……

until next time

m

 

Unrelenting Faith

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Today at church we started a series on “amazing stories” and today’s was on the story of Noah. This sermon really spoke to me because the way that the pastor, Clay, told of Noah’s story and as I sat their listening it was beginning to sound like how I, a grieving parent, goes about my life even today.

I don’t know how many of you know the story of Noah, you know he built the Ark, the big boat that took his family and two of every type of animal/creature and floated about during the worst time in biblical history. The flood.

As I sat there and listened, I saw very clearly how Noah’s faith was greatly tested as he built, and built and built the ark. Year after year he got up every morning and proceeded to build the ark. For over 100 years he built this ark, in faith, that God would use it as he said he would. 100 years is a long time my friends. But Noah didn’t give up, he didn’t waver he just kept building.

As our pastor eluded to during the message that you wonder how often Noah might have questioned why he was building an Ark. When was the rain going to come as God said. Maybe he would have given up. Why didn’t he? Faith. I believe Noah had great faith and belief that God would deliver and He did.

So how does that relate to a grieving parent? Well it takes great faith to get up each and every day, praying, hoping, believing that God would show me the way through the murky waters of grief to a life that would have purpose again. After Brittany’s death each minute of each day was filled with pain and sorrow. But I carried my bible and I prayed, in belief, that God would carry me through. My faith was greatly tested during this time. Because the mother in me couldn’t see past the grief.

The path was so dark, paved with so many memories that I barely could breathe. As the weeks wore on and my faith continued to wane, I still held on. I know, in looking back, that God’s plan to bring me through a horrible tragedy was there, yet I couldn’t perceive it while in the midst of it. It was my faith that believed that God would help me through to the next day, the next week, the next month. And now, my faith continues, to get through to the next year after year. It’s a process.

Faith is always a process. A work in progress. The weight of grief and the burden it creates is very hard to bear at times. Without faith, I can’t imagine how I could have made it thus far. For it is my faith that I am still moving on, moving forward, still believing that I have purpose. I’m not so sure my purpose has yet to be revealed, but I will continue to have faith that God will show me the way.

In the meantime, I’ll keep waiting for my white dove to show up and tell me it’s time to get off the boat and step into my new purpose.

until next time,

m

The art of being lost

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I’ve been on a writing hiatus over the past few weeks trying to decide what book I will blog through. I have narrowed it down to two books that moved me in ways that I feel the need to share with those of you who follow me. Over the past few years I’ve felt the calling to write and to write openly and honestly my thoughts, feelings, pain, anguish and hope. I have become vulnerable because through that process of being vulnerable – there is growth. For me and hopefully for someone out there who needs it.

So recently I have found myself a little “lost” for the lack of a better word. I think I have mastered the art of “being lost” not getting lost. Two completely different things. When I say being lost, I mean, I’ve lost my mojo, my center of gravity, my rock, the grace by which I have lived under for nearly 5 years since my daughter’s death. I find myself searching again for what is missing in my life – substance.

You can’t be lost and have substance. Substance creates a map on your soul that keeps you right where you should be. When you lose substance, your center is lost, your mapping disrupted and it can be very hard to find. It’s a place I have frequently visited and probably will always struggle with it. Having your life turned inside out like a bike tire when looking for a leak, is uncomfortable and can be detrimental to your longevity. Sometimes, it’s the very thing you need to re-examine what is going on in your life and find your way back.

There is no doubt that staying present and creating the right amount of space to work out the process of life has become a delicate balance for me. It takes staying vigilant on what works and removing what doesn’t. Keeping honest about who I am and what I feel my purpose is on this earth. When I focus on me too much, I lose myself. But when I openly extend myself and  my service to a great cause than me, I grow as a person. From that I have more to offer.

God didn’t grant me this life to just get by. There is so much more. But it takes work, hard work and sometimes difficult work to see it through. The payoff is substantial. Waking up each and every day knowing that you are in the right place at the right time with the right purpose.

until next time

m

Inspiring Poems

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A Consoling Famous Death Poem

Death is Nothing At All
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Funeral Death Poem by Henry Scott Holland ~ 1847-1918
Canon of St. Paul’s Cathedral ~ London. UK

Mother’s Day

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Mother’s day to me has become the worst holiday of them all. It has become meaningless in the face of tragic loss and a fragmented life left in its wake. But once it passes – I will again see the beauty of life and all it has to offer….but until then I cry, I weep, I mourn and I do it without shame or without regret for it is my journey to healing…

 

When you lose your only child, and your mother, and your grandmother – Mother’s Day becomes a day you dread more than any other. Over the past four years since my daughter’s death, I have come to dread this day over her “angel” day, her birthday or any other holiday.

When Mother’s day comes around each year I open up my little memory box of things I was able to save after my mom passed away on September 16th, 1988. She was only 48. I was seven months pregnant and she tried to hold on until Brittany was born, but didn’t quite make it.

One of the most precious things in the box is a letter she wrote to me many years ago when I apparently was struggling with a rough spot in my life. I’m going to share this letter with you because it truly shows the champion she was for my life and anyone who knew her.

Dearest Missie

Just wanted you to know how much I love you and how much I am so very proud that God chose to let me have y ou for my daughter. There is no other mother in this universe that feels as blessed as I do. And even tho I have to share you with your “nanny” and dear old “dad” there’s still enough for me too and I am grateful for that. You are very special to us in our lives! There is not a day that goes by that we don’t think about “you all”! Ha-Ha! How was that accent?

I think your problems will all work in your favor, baby! Just hang in there a little longer.  I know for a fact that you are a very strong person and very level-headed. You always seem to be able to work these kind of problems out. Have faith sweetie!

And please, don’t forget what I told you about calling me anytime, day or night. I’ll be here if you want to talk to me. If there is anything I can do for you, baby, don’t hesitate for one minute to call. We love you and we want to help in any way we can. Ok?

But hurry up and get me some pictures of you in your new clothes and especially your new hair do. I’m very anxious to see it before it grows out. Daddy Mack just called to see if I had talked to y ou yet and I said yes. He just wanted to make sure. We all love you very much, honey and will be tickled to death to see you at Christmas. I will get together with your brothers soon and let you know.

All my love, your mother and your friend

Every daughter should have a letter from their mother like this. So if you are a mother to anyone, I would encourage you to write this type of uplifting hand-written letter to your daughter or son, because I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that my moms words have carried through some pretty rough spots.

Even though my mother has passed for many years, this letter continues to lift me up and makes me feel as if I could achieve anything. I was blessed for 30 years to have one of the best moms ever. She always believed in me no matter what I was doing. She was my champion, my friend, my rock.

I miss you mom each and every day.

until next time

m

 

 

 

The Final Chapter

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Chapter 15 = Heritage in a Graveyard

This is the last chapter in the book by Jerry Sittser “A Grace Disguised”. As I reflect on this chapter I am reminded of the amount of Grace that God has extended me these past 4 years since Brittany’s death. And it is in those moments of Grace that I have been able to keep going and to realize that although I have endured a great loss and lived with many losses, I live today knowing I am a survivor.

In this final chapter Sittser writes about taking his children to the cemetery for a stroll to see the burial-place of his mom and wife, their mother and grandmother and their sibling who parished in the auto accident. For those of you close to me you know I’m not a fan of cemeteries.

Over the past 20+ years, I can recall going to my mother’s maybe 3-4 times. I find it very difficult to go there. Actually in all honesty I find it unbearable to go there. I can recall two times, other than the day of her burial, that I went to see her burial site and to take flowers. Once it was with Brittany, perhaps she was somewhere around 10-12 years old. I didnt’ want to get out of the car. I pointed out in the direction and told her to go and I’d wait in the car. So off she went and then I felt bad for doing that so I got out of the car and went over to her.

She was just staring at her headstone, as if she didn’t know what to do. Then I got down on my knees and wept – I missed my mom so badly and I think it was then that Brittany understood what loss looked like and how much the relationship between mother and daughter meant. I got back up and dusted myself off, as I always do when I’m in pain, took her by the hand and left. I didn’t return again until a few years ago with my niece Devon.

Devon and I went to the cemetery one day and I got out of the car and found it to be much easier this time. Perhaps the sorrow that fills my heart today from Brittany’s death has made things like walking up to my mother’s grave easier. We cleaned off the headstone, which is still a sore spot with my family, it bares the name of her short-lived marriage and not our last name. Devon and I placed flowers there and spent a few moments in quiet. Then left. I never want to go back.

For me it is a place of sadness and a place that reminds me all too well of how much I have lost in my life. This feeling is why Brittany is not buried. Her father and I chose to cremate her and she is with me today. For me it’s just better. I don’t have to go to a burial site to see her – which has always been a hard thing for me to do. It would seem less painful.

1-1/2 ago my aunt passed away and for the first time I returned to a cemetery where some of my family is buried. As I stood over my great-grandfather and great-grandmother’s graves, I was reminded of good times, but such sadness overwhelmed me that I had to turn away and walk towards the car. My uncle in fast pursuit as he knows, probably better than most, that death is devastating to me no matter how long it has passed.

Going to a cemetery is a painful reminder for what has passed no matter whose buried there or not. It’s a symbol of loss, pain and devastating grief and so I choose not to go again. I have enough reminders as I look around the room at my daughter’s pictures – I don’t need more. I honor my families memories in my own mind and in my picture albums. That is how I best respect that life. It works for me.

Sittser reflects about his thoughts on his own heritage and his role and for me he nails it here in this passage:

“Heritage has always been important to me, but never more than in the last three years. Much of who I am is a product of the heritage given me at my birth. My story is part of a much larger story that I did not choose. I was assigned a role for which I did not audition. Yet I have the power to choose how I will live out that story and play that role. I want to live my story well and play my role with as much integrity and joy as I can.” – Jerry Sittser

I couldn’t have said it better myself. That my friends is why I continue to grow in my faith, accept God’s grace to move on and continue my story. But know I will always have that pain, that sorrow, that hole in the space where Brittany lived. And some days will always be harder than others. So as Mother’s Day approaches, please pray for grace because this holiday is one of the toughest I live through each and every year.

Until next time

m