In the darkness the memories of a life once lived I mourn…and the future doesn’t hold much hope for happiness for love is beyond my reach. For it is a mountain I cannot climb. – signed Malissa Moss
Category: writing about life
When Everything Changes
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days and I have come to the conclusion that it’s hard to reinvent yourself late in life. How do you move forward to a new life when you’re still are reeling from the past one? Where does one start? How do you get the ball rolling – so to speak.
There are a lot of books out there about reinventing yourself – but it mostly is directed towards a profession. I’m talking about digging down deep and finding out one of two things: who are you? or who are you meant to be? Because clearly after a life change you are not who you once were. Despite friends and family wishing you would just pick right back up and move on the same ole’ person you were before.
Reinventing who you are starts with finding out what matters to you. What morals do you believe in, live by. What value to put on – anything? Even yourself. Perhaps writing a “mission statement” for yourself might be a good place to start. Something to think about – then of course, you’d have to know and understand what a mission statement is. I’ll tell you I know what it is not – a picture you hang on your wall for everyone to view, but for no one to live by. I know you’ve seen them hanging in the halls of many businesses’ right? – I have.
Franklin Covey has a great website for helping someone write their own personal “mission statement” – here is my first attempt using their website:
I am at my best when I am surrounded by grateful people..
I will try to prevent times when I am surrounded by hurtful people and when I am lonely.
I will enjoy my work by helping facilitate communication between management and my teams..
I will find enjoyment in my personal life by making people smile..
I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as my love being creative – Photography, jewelry, advertising, mentoring..
I can do anything I set my mind to. I will help unsuspecting people in need..
My life’s journey is about my faith in God and fulfilling the purpose He has created for me..
I will be a person who my friends thought I was a great friend, mentor and lover of life..
My most important future contribution to others will be to make sure my nieces and nephews don’t ever forget my late daughter who lived life out loud and full of joy.I will stop procrastinating and start working on:
- feeding the hungry
- recycling
- mentoring young people
I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:
- Love everyone
- help the needy
- live everyday grateful – even when life got tough
I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:
- walking outside and seeing God’s creation
- Spending time with my spiritual family at church.
- Meditation when I can.
- Watching a funny movie. Laughing
So there you go…. go give it a try. http://www.franklincovey.com/msb/
Until next time,
m
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The Many Facets of Grief
Sometimes topics come to me in a quick thought, or sometimes by something I have seen or heard but today it was a question someone asked: What are you writing about today? And my response was Pain, suffering, angst, grief & redemption. So here it goes.
The pain of loss is so profound that one cannot explain how it feels. I’ve attempted several times on this blog and in my book to put the pain to words and somehow I don’t think I’ve ever come close. In looking back at some of the poetry and other blog posts I do see the pain very clearly. But still those words – they are just words. They cannot put a speck of meaning to the hole in my heart, in my life and in my future that remains from the loss of my daughter.
The pain resides like a never healing sore. It gets better some days and gets worse on other days. How do I know that you might be thinking. Well every time I hear of a child who passes, it stops me dead in my tracks and immediately get teary-eyed and think “oh those parents”. I know their pain. I know it personally, inside and out. It’s tragic and scary and no one wants to think about it, talk about, write about – but it happens every day. Today my sore got worse.
Today I heard of the passing of little girl from cancer. Tears welled up in my eyes. I don’t even know this child, this family. But I immediately felt a connection. Sometimes when I hear of a child passing, it takes me back to the dark place I don’t like. The place that I don’t want to visit anymore. The nightmarish morning I lost my daughter. Sometimes it just makes me sad for that family. I feel their loss so very personally. Because I know today their sore begins.
The sore represents suffering. Suffering comes like waves of an angry sea. Crashing up on the rocks of our life causing you to gasp for your breath and just when you feel like you have your breath, the waves come back again and again and again. Knocking you down so many times you don’t think you can get up. But you do.
You get up because you have to. You go on because you have to. But the suffering it goes on. It just lessons over time and comes back only to remind you of what you have lost – as if you would forget. This is grief. The grief is a veil one wears over their wounded heart. The veil of grief is a heavy burden to bare. It weighs you down and keeps you from seeing joy.
The angst comes in how you start to live your life out after you have lost so much. It can close off your heart from love because you feel like loving someone again would just be impossible. You find yourself not letting people get close for fear they will die. As you have some disease that makes people die. I certainly thought so. I mean really – my mom, my grandmother, my daughter, my aunt. It’s a laundry list of death and destruction.
But thank God there is a God of redemption – God promises to comfort those who mourn. He promises to heal the broken-hearted. He offers hope that by the resurrection we will be reunited with our loved ones again some day. So yes there is pain, suffering, angst, grief & redemption and I am grateful that I know my God is standing beside me every step of the way.
Until next time
m
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Fighting for my Faith
A REPOST FROM 2007 ABOUT FAITH – SEEMS AS THOUGH THIS APPLIES AS MUCH TODAY AS IT DID THEN…..
Today I heard a sermon that I needed to hear!
In the past few months my faith has taken a back seat. As I listened to the pastor at my GR church, I realized that I have let the devil take over my life in some areas. Most importantly my faith. My faith was beginning to take a downward turn. My outlook was getting dimmer and less optimistic. All because my faith had lost it’s voice.
I never understood just how much my church meant to my faith building. Being in the presence of believers with strong faith and charismatic praise has had a huge impact on me, especially during the first months after Brittany’s death. It was how I made it through every minute of every day. I surrounded myself with my fellow church members.
Now I’m in a new church – possibily looking for someplace else, but sorely lacking that support. Without that support, the devil has crept back in like the snake he is, and took advantage of my current circumstances.
This is what I was reminded of and believe I must do to receive healing:
Faith must have a voice!
Mark 11:23 “…whoever says to this mountain, be lifted up and thrown into the sea! and does not doubt at all in his heart but believes that what he says will take place. it will be done for him.”
Believe
Mark 11:24 “For this reason I am telling you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe (trust and be confident) that it is granted to you, and you will receive it.”
Forgive
Mark 11:25 “…if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop, in order for that your Father who is in heaven may also forgive you.”
Mark 11:22-26 is such an important passage for me and for anyone going through a tough time. I have looked the other way for too long and must get back on track. My life depends on it.
I am praying that God will help me to get back on tract so that I can live a balanced, victorious life.
until next time,
m
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A series of unfortunate events – Part 2
“But guess what – all that baggage – it comes with you. You drag it everywhere you go. Every place you move and you hand it over to everyone you meet. Imagine slugging around 5 pieces of luggage, your briefcase, your handbag and throw in for good measure a 12-lb bowling ball and bag – and there you go. A baggage-carrying heap of pain and sorrow.”
“So what does a person do with all that? Well I’ll go over that on part 2. In the meantime be thinking about all your baggage and imagine what it would feel like to set it all down and rest….”
So last time I wrote I was speaking about what it would feel like to let all that baggage go, set it down if you will and rest. Take a break from all the pain and sorrow you have been carrying around your whole life. That, I can speak to, I have been working on for my entire life, but especially for the past 3 years since my daughter died. My daughters death has forced me to look at my life, re-evaluate my life and slowly peel back the layers upon layers of pain, fear and sorrow aka baggage I’ve been carrying for a long time.
After many months of evaluating where my life had been and where it was going I have come to know that I, Malissa, have very little control over God’s plan for my life. Because I believe God had my life planned out before I was born. But what I do have control over is how I choose to live that life that God had intended for me to have. The choices I make can change my path so quickly. In fact, some of the choices can possibly obscure my vision and create havoc – the kind of havoc that can change your life forever.
I have now learned that I have to slow down and experience life, soak up what is happening before I make any decisions. Especially decisions that might affect the rest of my life. In today’s world life can come at you so very quickly. Often catching you by surprise or off guard leading us to make quick decisions. Sometimes the wrong decisions.
So that leads me to how do I see myself putting down that baggage and slowing my life down. To find space for growth and development. To get to a place where I can put my feet up and relax. For me I have had to go back to the basics of my faith. It’s in finding the quiet time with God and His word that I can begin to find some peace. Something that has been sorely missing from my life for so very long.
Today’s world just keeps on coming at us at a pace that is sometimes hard to see yesterday – today – tomorrow. It’s as if life is passing by so fast before my eyes and I can’t figure where to get off the merry-go-round of life long enough to stop and catch my breath. Again I say I have to stop and get quiet. My time has become more precious to me. The importance of not over commiting and commiting to my own peace and sanity has to take priority.
My promise to myself is to sit down, unload my baggage, and put my feet up. Take the time to honor myself and honor God – because He is in control and I’m just along for the ride.
until next time
m
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I Can’t Let You In Today
J’ai un lourd coeur aujourd’hui. La douleur de perte continue pour toujours. Il vous frappe le droit quand vous le moins vous y attendez.
The quote I posted above in French means “I have a heavy heart today. The pain of loss goes on forever. It hits you right when you it less expect it.” I use French because it is a language I love to listen to, try to understand yet cannot speak.
Today I am having one of those days that just keeps coming back despite all my belief, my trust, my hard work, my support and my God. Why? Well as anyone who has ever dealt with grief for whatever reason knows it returns when it wants. It haunts daily. Sometimes even minute by minute. In the early days of grief the sorrow is all so consuming. You breathe it. You cry it. Yet it’s as if it’s a staring contest to see which one will remain standing.
What I have come to learn, through many tearful, anguish-filled days and nights is this: you can’t fight it. You have to let it come on in and take a seat. Stare back determined to show that God has your back and He will not let you fail. He will not let the all-encompassing darkness take hold of you – if you will only ask Him.
I remember so many nights calling out to God and begging, praying, pleading – “please take this away” “take away this pain” “take away this huge gaping hole in my heart” – yet it is still here today for a reason. God has provided me so much comfort these past 3 years, but the one thing that will not go away is the fact that it all happened.
What reason can you imagine why I still have to battle this grief? I’m still figuring that one out. When I get really quiet and listen – ever so quietly I can hear God whispering – look around you so many people are hurting. Help them.
But what I forget is this – I still need nurturing too. I have gotten to a point where I write about my experience in hopes that someone can read it and say “that’s it” I get it. But I still need that too. Problem is – I keep everyone at arm’s length. To let people into my life is extraordinarily difficult.
I see close relationships as a path down a road of loss I do not want to visit ever again. So you see although I have come so far I have so far to go. I have lost so much, so much so, that I will do whatever it takes to keep people at a comfortable distance. It’s a protective mechanism I have chosen to use to keep people away. For if I let someone in – I see death. I see love as a means to death because so many people I have loved have left me or died. It’s what I know.
This to I know – God keeps working on me and He keeps loving me despite my pain. And that is the most important message I can give today. One day I know God will help me to see that letting others in, and I mean really in will not hurt. But today it hurts.
until next time
m
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Being Real
This will be the first in a few installments about what it means to get real with where you are and where you are going.
The past few days I’ve been posting comments about the character of people on my Facebook page. Interestingly enough, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback on the topic. So I thought to myself that out of that there has to be a story that is related to grief. So here it goes.
Being real to who you are during your journey is the first step you really take to begin the healing process. Coming to own your emotions, your fears, your doubts, your pain – it all comes down to breaking those things all apart and picking up the pieces of your life. Then you begin to put it all back together to create a different picture. A different way of living.
That picture will not look like what you might have imagined in any scenario you dreamed up. The picture I had in my mind 3 years ago is the not picture I live today, and I imagine that the picture I will be living 3 years from now is one I can not see now.
Life works that way. But in order to put those pieces of your life together again, you must get real. See it for what it is. Embrace what has happened. Because it happened and you cannot wish it away, dream it away, sleep it away, eat it away or use substances to numb it away.
Getting real with your grief is a necessary truth that has to be revealed for the growth and healing to start to mold the new you. The exciting thing is that even through the midst of your grief, wherever you are, a vision of what can be is possible. You can believe it possible, you can dream it possible, but it’s in the everyday hard work at chipping away and getting real that creates that new version of who you will become.
until next time
m
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Another New Year Comes and Goes
Happy New Year – 2010 Is Here.
I have never been happier to see a year go like 2009. Besides the year 2006, 2009 ranks right up there as one of the worst years in my life. Well 2007 and 2008 didn’t go so well either. So here’s to 2010!
So I enter 2010 with the hope that I am able to feel I am making a difference some how, somewhere, for some one in the world. Whether it is my Twitter family, my Facebook family, my WordPress family, my church family or my own personal family – my goal for 2010 is to make a difference. To bring the message of hope that you can not only survive a crisis, but you can turn it into something positive by helping others.
With each year that passes since Brittany’s death, I become more focused on what I have to do to move on with purpose. Not to just plainly move on. Because just moving on isn’t good enough. There has to be some purpose. Some reason to get up everyday and say this could be the day I may be able to help someone through a tough time. This could be the day I make a difference.
Making a difference in today’s world has become increasingly important in the healing process for anyone who has experienced a loss. For someone like me, a single mother of an only child who died – well the future wasn’t looking too good for me back in late 2006. In 2007, I made so many changes that I wasn’t sure if I was coming or going. In 2008, it was if it all came to a head and my life imploded right before my eyes. My health took a dive, I realized I could no longer work in the job I loved. And the financial ramifications that started the moment Brittany became seriously ill until the months after her death all came to a unpredictable end.
In 2009, it was if I was just existing, trying to make sense of the past 3 years. Where I had been, how far I had come and that going back wasn’t an option. The life I knew I could no longer pine for. My life with Brittany was over. My life with someone I was in love with was over as well. Everything I knew to be safe and true was destroyed. So for me 2009 seemed as if my life was on hold so to speak. But seriously it felt like it was non-existent. So again I said goodbye to a year that meant so little as far as my healing goes.
The most incredible thing that has happened to me in 2009 that I will be forever grateful for are my friends on Twitter. You know who you are. The Farkles – Lynn, Jill, Lisa, and Sara. I also have other friends on Twitter as well and to them and to the Farkles – thank you! These friends have been an incredible support for me and I will forever be grateful for their love and support this past year. I look forward to continuing getting to know them in 2010. A small side note about Sara. She is so much like my sweet Brittany. Loves God, loves children, loves to help the needy and just plain has a heart that glows because her soul is good. Getting to know her has been, on some levels, a saving grace for me.
To my church group ACCESS – I love being involved in this group. They give me energy that I haven’t had in so long. When I’m with them, all is right with the world. With my world.
God has surely placed so many great people in my life in 2009 – so now I have to admit 2009 wasn’t so bad at all. It was the foundation for what is to come in my life for 2010. So Happy New Year and I say bring it on 2010 – I’m ready and get ready to see something phenomenal happen – you only have to believe it.
Until next time
m
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Creating Space
Some days I find it hard to find the space to become quiet and listen for God’s voice. In the business of my day, I have become attached to the noise. It fills the void that exists in my life. Noise that I used to hate.
Noise used to make me crazy. I hated the TV on and I loved to play music on the stereo. But since Brittany’s death noise has become a necessary evil. It keeps me from hearing nothing. Which reminds me she is not here. Which then makes me sad and I withdrawal from the world.
Now I keep the TV on far more than I used to. And I no longer play music. It all reminds me of the life I had, the one I loved so much and the one I don’t have anymore. When I try to go back – I cannot.
I now realize I have to create some space in my life that allows the quiet to return. So I can hear what I need to hear to heal. To move forward – to allow love back in my life. The love of music, the love of reading, the love of being out with people. And just plain love.
Little did I know that creating that kind of space would be so hard. It’s just easier to keep the noise going and the thoughts pushed back. But that doesn’t accomplish much. In fact, it keeps me from enjoying life. Some days I think to myself – Malissa – you got a life to live. A life that God wants you to live. To live it loudly and with abundance. Yet I struggle with that. Because it means moving on.
Moving on means, saying goodbye – that is so very, very hard to do. I’m not sure how to do that yet. I will be writing about that process over the next few weeks. The journey I’m about to make myself take will be painful, yet exciting all at the same time. It’s time. It’s my time. And I want my life back.
Until next time,
m
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Thanksgiving Message
Thanksgiving for the past 3 years has been extremely difficult for me. Losing my only child has made it very difficult to see the things I am thankful for. The things I should be thankful for. You have to understand – when life isn’t going so well – and you’ve lost all that you know to be true – it’s hard to see the blessings.
Monday, November 30th would have been her 21st birthday. Over the past 3 years her friends, family and I have celebrated it by eating Mac and Cheese and having a Starbucks Carmel Frappachino. But this year I just don’t even want to do that. In fact, the thought of it makes me nauseated.
This 3rd year seems to be harder than the last few years. Not sure why. Maybe just because. Or maybe because so many other parts of my life are a mess. The only good thing I got to hold onto is that I know God loves me. And that is what keeps me going. Because seriously if I didn’t have that – I wouldn’t be able to sustain the life I live now.
I was talking with some friends and I was telling them how I was feeling – they all said that they felt I was here to help others. That even though I have had some incredibly bad things happen in my life – that God is using me to help others. And on some levels I do see that, especially when I hear from people who have been helped either by my story or by my blog. But there are times when I feel I don’t have much left to give.
What does that say? It says I need to slow down and let God fill me back up. I need to receive a little bit. So for the next few days I will be spending that time with God – just me and Him. Talking, praying, reading – just being in His presence soaking up all He has to give me.
Until next time
M
Unimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings 
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