What it feels like to have Mother’s Day in my face.

It’s raining today – AGAIN! Seems as though we’ve had our fair share of rain this month. I don’t know about you, but I’m quite tired of it all. I’m believing for some sunshine linked by several days of continued sunshine.

Now that my taxes are done, and oh did I owe, I’m getting back to finishing my book. I don’t have much left to do. But it does seem a bit disorganized and needs some polishing. Writing has never been one of my fortes but after much prodding by my peeps (friends who have read my blogs over the past two years) I have decided to pursue it.

Some days you just have to pull yourself up and push on. Even when it doesn’t feel good at all. But I’m a believing person and know God has not set me upon this earth do live a dull and meaningless life. Even considering the great loss of my only child.

The next few weeks you may find my writing here a bit dark. Mother’s Day is coming and it’s not usually a good time for me. Many of you know that I lost my mother when I was 7 months pregnant with Brittany. My mom was only 48 when she died from Breast Cancer. Five years later, my grandmother died of Congestive Heart Failure. Then losing my daughter nailed it shut my ever celebrating Mother’s Day again.

I don’t want to take away anyones love of Mother’s Day – but just know there are some of us out here that wish it would just go by and never breathe it’s breath of heartache over my life again. But it’s all around – you know – every store, every TV show and even in church. I go to church regularly because it’s how I get spiritually fed, however, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are not Sundays I attend church. I choose to stay out of the public on those days, not because I am a recluse, but because I’m tired of having those holidays shoved down my throat.

It’s a painful reminder of what I have lost or been without for so long. For my dear friends and family the magnitude of many losses have profoundly changed who I am as a person. I will forever be different and you will have to learn to be OK with it. I don’t like it much either but it is my reality.

I choose to do a lot of positive things to counteract my losses, but it doesn’t take them away. It doesn’t soften the blow, it doesn’t decrease my pain – it only creates noise in my life to take up the quiet that drives me crazy. When it’s too quiet – I weep.

More on that later.

until next time


Unexpected Blessing

Well – I’m feeling better. It’s been a long week of flu symptoms and it took a lot out of me, but I’m getting my groove back and hoping to enjoy a fabulous Saturday of warmer weather.

Today I had one of those unexpected blessings I talk about from time to time. As some of you know I have a Facebook account and have met some great people as well as reconnected with friends that I haven’t seen or talked in years. Today I got a chance to use Skype for the first time. I was able to talk with a dear friend I’ve only met via FB because of my church. It was 11:00pm there and we were chatting on FB when I asked if she had Skype and she said YES and I said I’d never tried it – so we did and we talked on-line via video for over an hour. Incredible. What a blessing this can be for so many other who miss their friends and family who live far away.

I encourage you to give it a try.

Check it out.

until next time,


Emotional Wailings

I’ve been sick for the past few days with what appears to be the flu. I think the word flu is an umbrella term for the medical community to give license to say “we don’t know what the hell is wrong with you”. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of having my square-shaped head pounded into a round-shaped hole. In other words – “medical treatment in a box” – if you have this and or this you must have that. NOT! I think I’m going to search out a naturalist for a physician. No one seems to get it that we are all different and we react differently to the environment.

I could write for days about this, but then I’d just be more pissed off and that will not lead to a positive outcome. So I’ll write about what I do know for sure…grief.

Easter has come and gone and it has left a mark on me that it has done on every Easter since the passing of my daughter Brittany in October of 2006. Easter has become a holiday for which has so much more depth for me than in the past. Maybe it’s because of my increasing faith in Jesus. Or maybe it’s because of my increasing faith period. But I do know that it is the hope of the resurrection that keeps me going in this otherwise, painful existence. The hope of seeing my baby again. The hope of seeing all those who have passed – so many to mention here. The cries of my family members who have gone before me ring in my ears somedays to the point that I beg for silence. The grief I have is far and wide. It has no boundries. It permeates my soul to its very core.

Because of Easter I can celebrate the resurrection. Because of Easter I can continue to live in the hope of seeing my baby again. This is why I am still alive.

Until next time,


Broken Heart

Today I am working on my daughter’s memorial dedication at her high school and I just began to sob at how I miss her so. Today I feel so broken-hearted. It’s a pain I cannot describe. But the best I can do is compare it to the feeling one might have when they are having a heart attack.

Two students from her high school interviewed me so they could prepare a story that will coincide with the dedication ceremony. The third question was the one that got me. I began sobbing on the phone and apologized to the students – they were very understanding. The question was what legacy did I feel I wanted the students at the school to know that Brittany left. That was a powerful question and it just took my breath away.

I will write about it next time.