Another year passes….

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I sit here at the end of a very long day. The eight year anniversary of the passing of my daughter Brittany and I am astounded by the still gut-wrenching pain that fills my heart. I guess I should not be surprised as I have come to understand that one never gets over the loss of a child. We just learn to live with the pain. I don’t let many see this deep wound because why would anyone want to share this pain? Of course I share my writing with you all through this blog; and my close friends and family hear me speak of my hurt, but truly no one gets to see it all. No one but God.

I share with God what I will not and cannot share with anyone else. The questions of why; the constant pursuit of God to help me understand why me? This is not my first go around with loss as you all may know; so I have had some very “real” conversations with God about the “why” of it all. I still don’t have the answers, but I have gotten some feedback over the years (if that is what you wish to call it). Feedback that comes from various sources, such as reading scripture, messages from a variety of speakers or written word or sometimes from a faint image or vision that can only be rationalized as a divine intervention. A song on the radio that stops me in my tracks as the words speak so eloquently to me what I yearn to hear. What I know is this… all of that… I could not have heard or felt if I hadn’t cleared my head and slowed down to pay attention. But it always seems to arrive at just the right time.

The pain and anguish is still very real to me but less raw. I have matured with my grief. I have come to realize it will be with me always. It is what I choose to do with it that will make all the difference. So today the beach seemed to be a fitting place to take my pain and sorrow to soothe it with a celebration of what I know she would have loved. A perfect sunset watching the waves crashing in and out over her handwritten name. Slowly with each passing over, her name began to fade and the flowers washed out to sea. She would have loved that.

The pain of my loss will be with me forever. Each year it is my hope to find a way to celebrate her life so that it brings joy not pain. It’s a process, I did not get here over night. Some days it’s all I can do to put one foot in front of the other, but that is how you get from there to here – one step at a time.

Until next time,

M

Chronic Sorrow Revisited

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Chronic Sorrow Revisited

 

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Chronic sorrow is the periodic recurrence of permanent, pervasive sadness or other grief related feelings associated with a significant loss. (Eakes GG, 1998).

 

I have often wondered about how long sorrow would hold up residence in my heart. Since the death of my daughter eight years ago I can say with the utmost certainty that it will always be a part of who I am. Sorrow has taken up permanent residence in my heart. Specifically over the space where my lovely daughter holds a forever spot. Scared by loss, and maybe a little broken, but my heart still beats on. It still feels love. It still leaps for joy when something or someone brings happiness into my life.

I have come to understand that sorrow and happiness can live harmoniously in one space if, and only if, they are both respected. Given their time to be heard. Chronic sorrow seems like a disease, but really it’s just a label for a mother’s broken heart. I wouldn’t say that I have a pervasive sadness about me. It’s more like moments in time that I reflect on a life once known, and a time that some days I’d love to hear her voice or her funny laugh, but pervasive sadness – I don’t think so.

Do I think pervasive sadness happens to some? Absolutely and that breaks my heart for them. I understand how it can happen. I do believe if I had not fought hard to come out of the fog of sorrow and into a life that I can bring light to my daughter’s memory – I too would have fallen into this pervasive sadness. So if you find yourself there – seek help. Talk to a professional, write it out – do something. The best years after loss can come but its hard work. At times can be exhausting. But with a lot of support, faith and love you can make it to a space where the sadness and sorrow take their rightful place but does not permeate your soul.

I’m a living testimony that while I have lost much, I want to live on doing the work I was made to do. I want to fulfill my destiny. Just like my sweet Brittany. She is the light that shines brightly and keeps reminding me that I have to stay focused on the good in the world. That is my prayer for you.

Until next time,

M

Strength vs Courage

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I follow a blog on FB called Mitchell’s Journey. It’s about a father who shares the story of the journey his family has been on from their son’s devastating disease to his untimely death. He continues to share their story as they move through their grief. One particular comment he made struck a chord with me and I felt like I wanted to share it with you. The excerpt below is quoted from his FB Page:

I was raised to accept the reality life is tough, because it is. And at some point the world tells us we have to suck it up and take it like a “man” or a woman, or a lion or a bear. But I also realized in the privacy of our bedrooms or the quite of our minds there is often an unspoken dimension to us . . . a part of us that is vulnerable and mortal; a part that loves deeply and hurts honestly. Years ago I stopped pretending to be a lion or a bear. I decided to be human – and that has been liberating.

I too was raised to expect life would be tough and while I’m a woman, I was raised with five brothers so the reoccurring theme was to “buck up” and be quiet. I saw a great deal of hurt growing up. I won’t go into any details; however life was far from easy and there were times I wondered if we would make it as a family. I grew up believing that I had a sense of responsibility to help my mom raise my brothers. Because my mom chose not to hide much from me, at an early age (8 or 9) I saw and heard things a young girl should not see or hear.

So when people tell me that I’m strong or that I have shown great strength, I have a hard time understanding that. Life has been hard and I’ve learned to just “buck up” and deal with it. But like Mitchell’s father, when I’m in the quiet of my mind, I understand that I not all that strong nor do I have great courage. What I have is faith. A faith that helps me rise above all that is negative so that I can see the positive. Not easy and I don’t profess to say that, but it is a choice. I’ve never known any other way to live. Life has just always been rocky for me.

That is not to say I don’t have things happen quickly or exciting going on it just means I’ve worked very hard to be where I am today. It’s never been a gift. Just plain work. I do believe that my life’s experiences has prepared me for the losses of my mom, grandmother and lastly my daughter. Losing my mom during my pregnancy was a hard blow to me. I took to an angry stage for a long time. My daughter was not like your normal every day child. She had disabilities due from a high fever she had at 11 mos of age. Years and years of therapy, medications, doctors and tests she ended up with severe epilepsy and crohns disease. I grieved not having a normal child. But now knowing the amazing young woman she became – I would have never traded her for anything. She was simply an amazing spirit who was sent to me for a reason. I told someone the other day that I truly believe she was sent to earth for a job and she got it done very early and then departed back to Heaven and God saying “well done my child”. That makes me smile.

So yes, I am strong, but don’t mistake my strength for healing. I’m still hurting. I’m still missing my girl beyond belief. I celebrate her life this week as we move into the 8th anniversary of passing. But I weep for her physical being because she was a part of me a part of my story.

Until next time,

M

 

 

Avoidance

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This is just a precursor to a post I’m working on but wanted to tell you all that the prep work is incredibly hard.

You would think that after all these years is be able to face it with more strength but I am only human. While I hope and pray my blog helps others I too suffer. I am avoiding what I know I have to do.

It’s time to sit down with her things and go through them – touching them, hugging them – crying over them – hell wailing over them. They are these remnants of what is left of a memory that is call Brittany.

More to come…

Until next time

M

It starts with Homecoming

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As the celebrations of Homecoming begins this time of year, I reminded that eight years ago on the morning of Homecoming at East Grand Rapids High School my daughter took her last breath.

Waiting on God

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#inthemeantime #grief

Grief Blessings's avatarUnimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings

I don’t know about you but waiting on God can sometimes be difficult to do. It can also mean something very different if you are waiting during seasons in your life. A season of waiting for something to change like a relationship, job change, life change or loss. Waiting on God has looked very different to me during the various seasons in my life. Waiting on God requires a great deal of patience but it also requires that you find time to stop all the noise in your life and quietly open yourself up so that you can hear God speaking to you.

When I say hear it doesn’t mean what you traditionally think of hearing with your ears. It means listening to God in the many ways He chooses to communicate with you. I know I’ve experienced God’s word in many forms. Through reading the Bible; an email from…

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Fellowship of Suffering

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So today Andy Stanley closed out his series called In The Meantime and for me this has been one of the most personal series that I have connected with in a long time. I have written about the importance of “fellowship” in prior blog posts and cannot stress enough that having a “mentor” or “friend” to walk along side you during your dark time is vital for both parties.

When I blogged through Jerry Sittser’s book “A Grief Disguised” Chapter 14 – A Cloud of Witnesses I found that this chapter was a great example of the importance of understanding how we as experienced grievers need to surround the people who have joined our journey to lift them up and keep the focus on God’s comfort and grace. As Andy mentioned today in installment six of his series that giving comfort is life-giving to not only the person it’s intended for but for the giver as well. That has been so true for me. I understood very quickly what my purpose was in all of this mess. Losing Brittany and going through this devastating loss I would not have chosen. What good could possibly come from that?

I remember in the wee hours of the morning around 2-3 am I was sitting next to Brittany’s bed praying hard to God. Praying for healing. That God would heal her and she would wake up. Understanding that my faith was strong at this time and I knew God could and would save my Brittany had that been His plan. But, it was not. That at first was hard to swallow. I was so upset with God because I couldn’t reconcile why. Once I understood that it was not His plan and that Brittany had done her work here on earth I began to see that at some point along my journey I would understand my role and purpose.

I’ve had the honor and privilege of speaking with several mom’s post Brittany’s death. Moms who lost their daughters or sons and who found themselves in unfamiliar territory of moving through the stages of grief. Through my writing I was able to put some sort of perspective on why I found myself on this journey and how I chose to take a path that would require a great amount of energy and fight. You see for me finding a meaningful way to live my life without my daughter has not been easy, but I understood I had to find a way otherwise I wasn’t honoring her life here on earth. It just wasn’t an option.

For the remainder of my days I will find a way to honor my daughter’s life and God’s desire for me to be who He made me to be. My purpose has been laid out before me and the path has been well defined. I have been supremely equipped to comfort those who need it and to be comforted that my story has helped others. I want to thank Andy Stanley for elevating this topic and for helping to see that even while we are in the midst of our “meantime” experience we can choose the path that leads to God.

Until next time,

M

Resources:

https://mysoulspeaks.wordpress.com/2011/04/26/the-cloud-of-witnesses/

http://meantimeseries.org/

Waiting on God

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I don’t know about you but waiting on God can sometimes be difficult to do. It can also mean something very different if you are waiting during seasons in your life. A season of waiting for something to change like a relationship, job change, life change or loss. Waiting on God has looked very different to me during the various seasons in my life. Waiting on God requires a great deal of patience but it also requires that you find time to stop all the noise in your life and quietly open yourself up so that you can hear God speaking to you.

When I say hear it doesn’t mean what you traditionally think of hearing with your ears. It means listening to God in the many ways He chooses to communicate with you. I know I’ve experienced God’s word in many forms. Through reading the Bible; an email from a friend with the answers to the questions I had just prayed for the day before; a friend stopping by just when I cried out to God feeling alone; a nudge to do something even if it felt weird. God chooses to communicate to us in many ways, we just have to be open and willing to receive it regardless of the avenue.

In recent posts I’ve written about Andy Stanley’s recent series #InTheMeanTime and how that resonates with me and my journey through the loss of my daughter. Grief doesn’t just up and decide to leave one day. Grief stays with you forever, it just looks and feels different. It may not come as often, or as hard, like waves crashing around you, but it will always be a part of your journey. That is why it is vitally important to understand grief and respect it. Learn to reach out for help when you need it and pray often. I talked to God often, sometimes, hourly, during my initial journey. I wasn’t sure how to deal with all the emotion that came crashing down on me. I didn’t know then what #InTheMeanTime meant then. As the years progressed I have learned that while I many not always “feel” God around me, in my faith which is grown, I have comfort that He is here with me. It just may not be how I envisioned it.

Being mature in my faith or on my walk through this valley of darkness, does not mean it isn’t painful nor does it mean that I am “over” the loss of my daughter or the other members of my family that have died too soon. It just means that I can continue my life with the certainty that God is always present, but not always visible in the ways that you and I understand. Daily conversations with God can help us to sense His presence and I know that because on the days when I don’t frequently communicate with God, I feel a little lonely for Him. The comfort He brings to my broken life has made all the difference. It is how I can keep going each day. How I get up and face the world when all around me are constant reminders of what I have lost. It’s not easy, but it’s easier when I remain focused on God’s promise that He will never leave.

Encourage you to visit Andy’s #InTheMeanTime series and I hope that it provides you the encouragement as it has me.

http://northpointonline.tv/

Until next time,

M

 

Sustainable Grace

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The quote below from the bible is one of my all-time favorite. I wrote it on a piece of paper and carried it with me for months after Brittany died. When I would have moments where I didn’t think I could carry on, I’d get it out and read it. Or I’d reach in my pocket while at work and just grasp it and know it was there and repeat it over and over to get through the moment.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted / and saves those who are crushed in spirit” – Palsm 34:18

Sustainable Grace

I came to know and see grace differently after Britt’s death. I don’t think I ever really knew what having grace meant before even after my mom’s death some 18 years earlier. Grace was a foreign concept to me even being a Christian which I know might sound odd.

What does grace look like? It looks like someone noticing you are having a moment and they come and comfort you. They take you by the hand and say “go take a break I’ll cover for you”. You get a card or letter that day that makes all the difference. An email arrives with a message that has been heavy on your heart. It’s all coming from God through others. It’s called Grace.

Recently I heard Andy Stanley speak about “sustainable grace” and it struck me that he could have been talking about my story. Which brings me to the second scripture I carried around in my pocket and placed strategically in several locations throughout my house.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

I felt God’s grace throughout the weeks and months after Brittany’s death. A grace like none other. I did not experience after my mom died. So in some way grace seemed foreign to me and I wasn’t sure what to do with it. Grace shows up in various ways and can create this cocoon over your life to help soften the hard blows of grief. Not sure I would have survived my daughter’s death without the grace of God. Grace helped me move forward even when I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

Some days moving forward has meant progress and some days it has meant moving backwards. Just when I thought “I got this” – it all came crashing around me and I felt as though I was fooling myself. I realized at some point that I am a survivor and I am here for a purpose. Although a piece of me is gone forever. The poem I wrote about missing Brittany speaks to that missing part of my heart. That hole that will forever remain. But God’s grace has placed a patch over it and the ache isn’t as bad today as it was in the early days.

I’ve learned that today is a gift and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Some days I’m better at surviving than others, but I am surviving and as painful as that is sometimes it is better because of the grace God grants me each and every day.

Until next time,

M


 

3 Questions We Ask Ourselves

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This morning I watched Andy Stanley begin his series “In the Meantime”. As I watched and listened to the message tears fell from my eyes and onto my notebook like a flood. A huge release of grief washed over me as I related to what he was saying. What I have found over the past eight years since the death of my daughter is that grief knows no boundaries and it never ever goes away. Everyday life gets in the way and blocks it from being released, but when you sit quietly and listen you can hear the three lies we tell ourselves:

  • I’ll never be happy again
  • Nothing good can come from this
  • There is no point in continuing

I know I have written about this before and in the early days and weeks of my grief I asked myself those questions often. I wrote in my private journal how I didn’t think I could make it another day. What was the point? When the very reason I lived was taken from me – what is the point in continuing? So you can imagine that Andy’s words today resonated in a way I haven’t spoken much about or acknowledged for a long time. I know I often questioned God’s presence during that time (still do today), but I was also deep enough in my faith that I understood He was present. But I sure did not feel it at times. So I can’t even imagine what it must be like for those who do not have faith or their faith is so young that it has not grown enough to support their loss.

Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me. – Matthew 11:6

God blesses those who do not turn away from me. – Matthew 11-6 (New Living Translation)

Andy mentioned the above scripture in his message and explained that while we cannot always feel God’s presence – that does not mean He does not care or that He is apathetic. While my mind comprehends that, my heart hurts because when I don’t feel His presence I begin to stumble. I begin to question if He cares about my situation. In looking back, I know that God was so very present in my situation. He was present by bringing the right people into my life at the time I needed them. He sent specific messages through them that let me know He was listening to my prayers.

As I sat an cried through this message today I realized the reason I don’t feel God as much is because I don’t spend as much time with Him – talking to Him, reading passages from the Bible and mostly surrounding myself with people who keep me centered. Each time I have wondered away too busy to stay focused on Jesus – I have stumbled. Finding purpose is critical to answering the three questions above. It’s also the hardest to find. I’m still not sure I know what it is yet, but while I pray for guidance I will continue to help those who have lost a child because it is a pain I know and can relate to.

Grief is a journey down a long, twisting road and there are many paths that can take you get you lost if you don’t have a focus of answering the three questions above. Yes you can find happiness again, it’s just a different type. Yes, something good can come from your loss if you just look beyond it and see that there is someone who needs you. Needs your story. Needs your guidance and support. That my friends is how you answer the last question – your purpose.

Here is the link to the series and encourage you all to listen to Andy’s encouraging words on this topic.

http://northpointonline.tv/

Until next time,

M