What You Don’t Know

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I woke up this morning compelled to write about something you may not know. If you have lost a loved one, particularly an only child, then you might have an idea of what I am going to say here. If you haven’t, then you might find it helpful if you know of someone who is in the grieving process. Let me quickly define that for you: it’s a lifetime of grieving. You might think that might be a bit extreme. Well life gets extreme some days and there is this little caveat about grief. Life happens and in the midst of life at any given moment we (the grievers) are back at the moment of our loss. This is how it works.

As time passes, the loss becomes part of you and you learn to live with the consequences of it. For the most part you can go about your day-to-day life and have some happy times, some laughter and even some joy. But there are dark times and there are moments when all of a sudden you are back revisiting the empty place in your heart where your loved one once lived. And I mean lived. Not saying that they are not there today, but it’s different.

Conversations take place in life and reminders are sent, unconsciously by others, and it’s as if you can no longer hear anything else that they are saying. All that you hear is deafening sound of grief hitting you like a tsunami and once again you are at your knees asking why. And again, you get no answers, you get back up and you dust yourself off and get back into the conversation. I welcome the times when there are periods of time between these moments. They are exhausting to me. They knock the wind out of me. They make me feel incredibly lonely.

I miss my daughter so very much. It’s a pain that I cannot describe, but I try and perhaps one day when I get it right, I will no longer feel the need to write. I don’t think that day will ever come. So I write for me and I write for all of the grieving mothers and fathers out there who may not have a voice. Who don’t know the that the power of writing can be healing.

Today the band-aid has been ripped off again. When that happens, the pain is just as powerful as the day she died. Thankfully that doesn’t happen too often, otherwise I’d not be able to stand it. Tears sting my face as I write this today. October is coming and the freight train of grief is on it’s way. I’m getting my armour on and will be ready. It’s coming and it’s loud and I can feel it in my bones.

Until next time

m

 

To Live and Mourn Simultaneously

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“To Live and Mourn Simultaneously” for the title of this post because I truly believe it adequately describes how life goes on after a loss.

“Sudden and tragic loss leads to terrible darkness. It is an inescapable as nightmares during a high fever. The darkness comes, no matter how hard we try to hold it off. However threatening, we must face it, and we must face it alone.” – Jerry Sitser

The darkness is a topic I’ve written about before and it’s primarily because it’s a place I resided for a long time after Brittany’s death. In fact, it’s a place I’ve resided for a very long time. Throughout my life of what I’ve coined as “unfortunate events” I have found myself to become a familiar resident in the darkness.

When I say darkness, I don’t mean black, I mean like murky water – sometimes unable to see my way through to the light. To find any good in what has happened to me. However, darkness is unavoidable and it is  necessary to face one’s grief. There is no avoiding it – you really have to face it. You cannot put it off nor can you dismiss it away to face another day – it will haunt you and it will keep haunting you until you face it squarely and walk through it. This is what I know to be true.

My walk through the darkness has had some good days and some not so good days. In the early weeks and months after my daughter’s death darkness was a scary place. I wanted to run away from it. I wanted it to go away because I didn’t like what I saw or couldn’t see but only felt. The pain was so gut-wrenching that I felt I couldn’t bear it another moment more. But I did. And I still do today. It’s just different.

When it comes to making a choice on how we grieve, and we do have a choice, we have to look at the big picture. How we look at our journey and how we can exist in the darkness and still see the light. The power remains within us to take the walk in the right direction. To face the pain and the sorrow right where you are in that moment can bring you to a place where light begins to crack through and the life you see before you can and will be joyful. Just different.

I have to say that facing grief in the darkness can be exhausting. I continue to fight this exhaustion to this very day. Why? Because the battle isn’t over. My struggle, anyone’s struggle with loss lasts a lifetime. It’s not over in a year, a couple of years or a decade – it’s never over. The loss changes you. It re-molds who you are right down to your very core. Life looks different, it feels different and some days it just doesn’t feel right. But you keep moving forward because it’s the only way to let the light shine through.

While loss doesn’t define who you are it is your response to it that defines who you will  become. I have written about this numerous times and I stand by it – we have a choice. The choice we make during these moments in life, whether it is personal tragedy or horrific loss – will define our future. It will mold you into who you are to become. Because, as I’ve said before, you are never the same after a loss. No matter how hard your friends and family wish that you are that same person, you are not. You can not.

“I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter, until it became a part of who I am. Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it.” – Jerry Sitser

That quote from Sitter really spoke to me as I have lived that and breathed that for the past few years since my daughter’s death. As I sit here today remembering my mom, whom I miss dearly. She has been gone so long now (September 16, 1988), the memories are so old and few, but I cherish them more. My grandmother died 5 years later and then I became bitter because the two great women in my life who had the most influence on the woman I had become were gone. Gone during a time in my life of great change, becoming a mother and career changes. Those losses took the wind out of me for a while. I felt deflated. I felt like so much had been taken from me and I couldn’t understand why. It was hard to watch my friends go through their lives – births of children, etc. and have their moms at their sides. Yes I was so bitter.

But yes, I have grown from my loss(s). I have grown into this new person, one that sees life from a different perspective. While I won’t deny that I have moments of anger about my losses, times when I want to chuck something across the room when I see a scene on TV about a  mom and daughter; overall I have accepted these losses, but not without a price. I live everyday with a sense of loss that no one else will ever understand. So I fill my days finding purpose in what I do. It helps to fill the void.

Of late I have found that I have been distracted from my journey – result has been that I have lost my step. I liken it to walking down a path and falling off the curb. What do you do? You get up, dust yourself off and keep moving. Get back on track. That is what I have to do now. Writing is one of those things. Mentoring other grieving parents. Speaking out about grief and the journey. Being a great nurse. Providing the best care I can in the role I am in now. That is my purpose. And I will fulfill it with every fiber of my being. But there is a price.

In 2006, the worst loss of all happened, but the world didn’t stop revolving when I lost Brittany, although many times I have wanted it to. Life kept moving on and I had to move with it or remain stuck in it. It was a choice I made then and I continue to make now. To live and to mourn simultaneously.

Until next time,

M

Are You Using Your Gifts

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Gifts from God come in so many packages. Whether it be writing, speaking, mentoring, jewelry making, etc; they are gifts that have been given to us by God. We choose in life to use those gifts in many ways. In loss it is no different. The cloudiness of our spirit can, at times, keep us from seeing those gifts and can often keep us from having enough energy to see them. The most important thing to know is that in order to climb out of our loneliness, our grief, our brokenness we must try to use the gifts God has given us.

The evidence of the Spirit’s presence is given to each person for the common good of everyone” – 1 Corinthians 12:4

The gifts that God has given me and more importantly allowed me to see have given me a sense of meaning. A purpose in life. Those of us who are in this group understand all too well that “purpose” is one of the hardest things to feel after you have suffered a loss. I understand it because having lost my only child, one that had chronic illness most of her life; my life revolved around her. After her passing – it’s as if the world stopped for me. As I stood on the outside looking in, it was going around at a pace that I couldn’t find my way back on. Time has allowed for me to get back on because of the gifts I have received.

Those gifts first started out through writing my journals. Then some of my followers gave me strength, when I had none because they spoke of how my words helped them. So I kept writing. As a creative person, I also like to design things. So I tried my hand at jewelry making and found I was pretty good at it. I still do it from time to time and on special occasions, but mostly I write.

One of the gifts I enjoyed prior to Brittany’s death was photography. After she died I lost all interest. Didn’t care if I ever picked up a camera again. But as God has His way – I was asked to join my brother and his wife-to-be in Cabo San Lucas for their wedding to take their pictures. This was about 3 months after Brittany passed. I think I was still walking in a fog but agreed to do it as I needed a change of scenery from the cold winter in Michigan.

This gift I was given to see beauty and elegant behind the lens was intriguing to me. It made my heart race and brought me a small amount of joy. But after returning back to Michigan – the loss – the empty house – the cold – it all brought reality back to me broken heart and I put the camera down.

A few years later I was asked again to take the wedding photos of a dear friend and co-worker. And again I felt the rush and joy that being able to capture special moments would bring me. I had so much fun giving the results of this gift to my friends. It gave me purpose.

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I have been given many gifts. I use them to give gifts back and I use them in  my everyday life at work. It gives me purpose. It gives me hope. My challenge to you all is to sit in a place and let God reveal your gifts to you. Then take a step in faith that your gifts will not only bring you joy but will give you a sense of purpose and in the end, will give those whose lives you touch a special gift of love and joy. Pass it on…..

until next time,

m

Living in the Present

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Photo from Oprah.com

Walking into the present and future is very hard when you have lost a child, especially an only child. But if we are to make a difference in the world, if we are to come along side those who join this journey, then we must walk towards healing and peace. We have much work to do to help our fellow friends in grief.

Until next time,

M

It’s the small things….

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“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. – Matthew 5:4

I carried this verse in my pocket wherever I went for months after my daughter Brittany died. Even if I was somewhere I couldn’t bring it out and read it, I could reach in my pocket and grasp it and say it to myself – it always brought me such peace.

I would encourage anyone who is in grieving the loss of someone dear to them to try something simple that may turn out to be profoundly helpful. The example above is just one of few that I have done over the years. Journalling has been and probably always will be one of my most comforting processes. And what is most interesting is that I’ve seen my writing change over time. It has evolved from a moment of pain and agony to a moment of peace and grace.

I can now look back at my journals and see how far I have grown in my grief. My grief has changed me. My loss changed me. While I am grateful for coming through to a place of peace, I would never have wanted this to be the reason I got here. But if you want to bring any light  back into your life, you must open the door.

Opening the door to joy is hard. It seems wrong. But trust me when I say it is what we need to do to grow outside of our pain and begin to find the sweet memories of our loved ones. Pain serves as a block to our growth. Pain will be in my heart for the loss of my girl; but it has also been covered by the love of many and by the grace of God I know and understand the reunion will be more joyous than anything I’ve ever experienced here on earth.

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Let in the light, let in the love and let in the peace to the inner part of heart that is in pain – and you will see and feel the light, love and peace transcend your grief.

until next time,

m

The Long and Winding Road

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I have sat many a long night not knowing where I’d go or how I’d get there after my daughter’s death. I found God’s word to be the only truth I could find to help me see what I had to do to keep moving forward. My marching orders so to speak where very simple, finish well.

While I know that this term “finish well” may sound daunting to a person who is fresh in their grief, but for those of us who are earning our way through the journey, one day at a time, “finish well” carries a very important message. One that we forget when we hit a bump in the road. When life gets turned upside down and we look all around us and cannot find our way.

What does finish well look like? John Terveen said it very well in his book “Hope for the Brokenhearted”. In chapter 12 he reminds us of Paul’s journey and encourages us to finish the race as he finished his. Terveen states that “whatever length our life’s course may be or however challenging the terrain, each of us is called by God’s grace to finish the race of faith, hope and love set before us.

I think about this race I’m on daily and some days I get it right and other days, when the days are dark and I miss my daughter so much and I grow tired of the race; I know that if I give in, I have not finished what God has asked me to do. I have to keep my eye on God and my faith in Him to make the distance. And while I’m on this race, the race I did not sign up for, I am also given the instruction to extend love, grace, prayer and mercy to those who have joined me on this journey.

I find that in the times when it is dark and I have lost my way, it is because I have let the light flicker and lost the sight of my way because I lost my faith. Without my faith, I have nothing. Without my God  I would have finished far too soon and the task that I have been given unfinished.

Often I have been tempted to abandon my faith because I got tired and became weary of the long journey of sorrow. Just as a runner who prepares for a marathon, you have to prepare mentally and phyically for the challenges a long marathon will have. The punishment to your body that will result. You need proper nourishment and hydration to maintain your ability to finish the race. It is the same for us on this journey in life that has dealt us a devastating blow like death of a child. We have to find our nourishment and maintain good health to finish the race. We have people to love, grievers to hug, be the hands and feet of Jesus during our race.

In order to keep the faith and press on, we need to take care of ourselves first so that we can care for others, the ones that are put in our path for a reason. To care for and love. To mentor and walk with when they fall. So if you find yourself in a place, like I do, remember to pray this prayer:

Dear Lord: In the face of my suffering, sometimes I question you and your ways. I am troubled and I find it hard to keep going. When this happens, please help me to remember that your love never fails and it never gives up and it never runs out on me. – AMEN

My dearest followers – I too find times when it’s hard to see the path, to find my way – the road looks dark and the weariness of my soul speaks loudly so that I cannot hear what I know is true. God’s love never fails, it never gives up and it never runs out on me. So take great faith in God will not run out on you or given up on you or never fail you. Press on…..

until next time,

m

Moving On is Hard

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In the days before my daughter passed away I enjoyed exercise and felt I was in the best shape I’d been in my entire life. I found running to be very cathartic and it helped me de-stress. I was proud of the way I looked considering I was in my 40’s and frequently, I was told I looked much younger. So what happened. Why do I hate it so much now…..

Me in 2007-2008 as a red-head and in great shape.

Last night as I prepared for bed I checked my Facebook and Twitter accounts and noticed that Jillian Michael’s was asking for questions for her podcast. I thought to myself, I think I’ll ask her why I feel like exercise is such a chore. So in my question I asked:

My name is Malissa and I’m about to turn 55 (most say i look 10 yrs younger) in a few weeks. Nearly 6 years ago I lost my 17-yr old daughter – she was my only child. Since then I have lost my sense of self, my passion for exercise and want to find it again. I have a great job, a great relationship – yet I just seemed to have lost my mojo. When my daughter died I was in the best shape I’ve ever been. Loved to work out.

How do I get that mojo back – I want to feel that rush again after working out. Now it feels like the worst torture and I absolutely dread it.

Did I really think I’d get a response – not really. But this afternoon my cell phone rang and I looked at the number – Los Angeles, CA. So I answered it and sure enough, it was the producer for the Jillian Michael’s Show. They were recording a segment for her show and they thought my question was great and wanted me to ask Jillian later in the day. Around 4:30 my phone rang again, and I was placed on hold and a few minutes later was introduced to Jillian.

I stated my question to Jillian and we began to talk about some of the reasons I felt the way I do. She asked me some questions and after I answered a few, she got a little quiet and then said, “I want to ask you something”, I said ok and then she asked me a question that made me stop dead in my tracks. With your life going well, with a great job and great relationship, why do you think this part is hard to get back to? Tears welled up in my eyes and the sting of truth hit me. I said “it would mean my life has moved on without my daughter”. And she confirmed what I understood at that moment – I was avoiding this part of my journey. I was avoiding working out, exercising because if I do, I’ll get back to the way I was the moment my daughter died. It was the most powerful moment I’ve had in so many  years.

I realized at that moment that if I get back to the way I was before, 15 pounds lighter, healthier and feeling like I was before, that the final step would have happened. Life would have moved on and it would have moved on without my girl. All along I have thought that  I was doing so well in my journey in grief. I believed that I was moving forward and while I have an occasional bad day, for the most part, I have moved forward. But this question to Jillian, led to the simple truth – I have not moved on. Or at least not to where I should be or where I thought I was. So now what?

Jillian asked me how I thought my daughter would feel or what would she say to me if she was here now seeing me like this. And I said she would kick my butt. She would tell me to knock it off and be happy. In fact one time while we were talking she expressed a concern that I had not begun dating after my divorce. She said to me, “mom do not wait around and don’t stop dating because of me”  – I’m ok. You deserve to be happy. So Jillian told me to remember those words, when I want to give up and when I don’t want to go to the gym. Do it for her and eventually I’ll begin doing it for me.

I have to say it was very hard to keep my composure, but I did, but as I write this tears well up again and I feel like this is going to be an addendum to my journey. A part that I wasn’t planning on. A journey I wasn’t thinking I would need. I believe it’s going to take a lot tears, willpower beyond what I have ever needed before – to open the door of my grief and walk through it to the other side. The side that creates a place for me to be happy again. I know it’s possible. I am happy, for the most part, but something is missing and I now know, it’s me.

until next time,

m

Lingering…..

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Lingering in a thought about you makes me pause and wonder what you would be like now. Would you have gone to college? Would you have gotten married? So so many questions that come to my mind when I linger in  thoughts of you.

Lingering at a photo of you – can’t quite do that yet. It’s been six years since you left this earth and to still look at your picture is quite painful. Even thinking about it now brings a stinging tear to my eyes. You were so lovely. So beautiful. And I loved you beyond measure – as a mother should. You brought life and lite into my life and I am a better person because of it.

I’m a better nurse because of you. I’m a better mentor because of you. I’m a better writer because of  you. And this I know for sure, God gave you to me to make me a  better person. I’m so glad it took almost 18 years for it to work, but as I linger about you in thought, I wished it could have taken a little longer. Saying goodbye wasn’t an option. I just simply said “do your homework”.

Brittany I have figured it out. I’m here for a purpose and I’m fighting the battle like a true warrior. I’m standing in the truth that God is good and he blessed me with you. And he continues to bless me each day by opening my eyes to what I can achieve. But my sweet baby – it was you that made me who I am today. As I sit here lingering, with a tear dripping on the keyboard, I feeling nothing but love and peace.

Until next time,

m

Calm Quiet Response

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Something about the calm quiet of the mountains to give a small measure of peace to a restless soul. Yes my soul is restless  – it  has been since October 13, 2006. But in all honesty I have had a restless soul since I can’t remember when. Perhaps since my childhood. Something happens to your soul when your spirit is broken and truth revealed that you feel a sense of meaninglessness. Yes that is a game changer.

ImageThe quiet calm that comes with the silence the earth brings no matter whether it is the crashing waves of the ocean upon the white sandy beaches of Florida or the Blue Ridge Mountains of Georgia – there is a peacefulness that brings a sense of calm. Stability to the soul. Yet it also allows the demons that lurk down deep to stir up the mess and bring to the surface some questions about why, how and now what.

Something about looking out at the vast expanse of trees over the horizon that makes you wonder what happens in the woods  in the dark of night. Like the dreams that happen in the dark. Do bad things happen in the woods? I’m sure the life cycle goes on in the woods of the mountains like the everyday life in the human world. The injustices that happen upon those who least expect it. Going about their business making life happen, existing in a volatile climate, surviving when all that matters is making it to the next meal or the next day. Survival comes in many packages and has many faces.

The calm quiet of the mountains gives way to the silence of a restless heart. A heavy sigh imparts from the soul like an escape from a dark cavern. Coming out to see the light and breath of God that is as far as the eye can see and the senses can envelope. The quiet calm is all that a soul needs to let the worries escape and the soul to be replenished.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to feel God’s gift to let my soul feel his presence in the midst of His ever present gift – the world he created as it was meant to be. No violence, no noise from the apartment above, no pain from a life left scared by someone’s lack of personal responsibility the worst of all. It’s all just between me and God. My time with him has no price. It is priceless.

I am also grateful for the love of my life and the friends that God has placed so eloquently in my life. I’m a better person for it. So to my friends and to my love – may God grant  you the peace and love of eternal peace that the mountains he so created gave you.

until next time,

m