Tag: loss

The best hug.

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I’ve been talking to Brittany a lot these past few weeks. Asking her to help me figure out my purpose. What it is I’m to do. There is so much going on now and feel it’s time to figure out next steps. I’ve wanted to write a book based on this blog and my journey for a while now, but have not been motivated to get it started. Actually I started it years ago and then put it onto the shelf. I keep feeling like I need to pull it down and work on it. So many distractions and it’s hard to find the time. What is the fear? Why am I so hesitant?

So this morning in the early hours, right before my alarm I had the most real like dream about Brittany. I haven’t had one like that in years and it was absolutely wonderful yet the most painful experience. I woke up with the alarm ringing and just wanting to throw it because it interrupted the most beautiful and loving hug from my sweet Brittany.

The dream happened, as it usually does, quick and colorful and very real like. I was walking by a house and a neighbor peeked out her door and waved at me. As I waved back, Brittany peek out of the door and waved at me. I ran so fast to the door opened it up and grabbed her. Gave her the biggest hug and said “Brittany I’ve missed you so much”. She hugged back and said I’m ok mom and I miss you too. Then that damn alarm went off and I burst into tears and cried for a few minutes. I just wanted to go back and close my eyes and continuing hugging her.

I needed that hug and that dream more than ever. I’ve been so lonely without her, more than I could ever say. I know that when I take the time to talk with her and ask for her help, she never disappoints. She came to me in that dream this morning – while it takes my breath away and makes me cry – I am so thankful though for each time she comes to me. It’s not often, but when it does it’s as if it fills me up with love and helps me understand that she is listening to me.

Until next time,

M

 

#grief #dreams #loss

A Time to be Grateful

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Monon in Carmel

“The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now. And the more grateful you are, the more you get.” – Oprah

As I sit here reflecting on Oprah’s quote I can’t help but think back over the past eight years and see the many blessings that have come my way since my daughter’s death. I believe a person needs to have great faith to see that and to believe that life can still have meaning after such loss. But also understanding that it will be different. Never the same.

I’m a fighter and I have always gotten back up and dusted myself off and took another step in faith that God has my back. He has up till now and I have every bit of faith that He will for the rest of my days. The problem is always me. I get in the way of my own recovery, my own journey because of my human nature to disbelieve.

Life has handed me more hurts and sorrows and at times I’ve often wondered how life could have any meaning left for me. It would be so easy for me to give up, to stop believing, to stop living.

But my faith is so much stronger than my disbelief.

And that my friends is where it begins and ends. So today I am thankful for my faith, for it has carried me this far. My Thanksgiving prayer for you all that is that you can find gratitude in the little things. It is the little things in life that rebuild faith, strength, foundational love and happiness.

Happy Thanksgiving

until next time

M

Holidays and Grief

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Holidays have always been a torturous time for us grievers. A time of happiness and family get-togethers becomes a time of sadness, loneliness and feelings of despair for the griever.  There is also an added amount of pressure from well-meaning family and friends to “be happy” or it’s time to “move on” during this time of year.

This is the time of year that grievers often take to keeping to themselves. Not being too social. Almost to the point of being recluse. That happens in part because one it’s easier than dealing with the “well-meaning” family and friends who think they are helping and two because showing your pain and grief somehow makes it more real. It becomes your private friend. The one you don’t want to introduce anymore to anyone.

It’s hard to for a griever to imagine that their broken heart can mend or that love will ever feel the same again. But love doesn’t end when your loved one dies. The love left in your heart is still there. It’s the emptiness, the void left from their absence that makes your heart hurt. But the love – always will it be there to hold your heart together.

On one hand the holiday season brings beautiful decorations and lights. Wonder singing and praises to our God and then there are the lonely moments when the pain of your loss overwhelms you and all those sweet memories that you hold so dear to your heart remind you that your loved one is not there again to enjoy the holidays with you. And despite the good intentions of others, no one can take away the hurt you feel. All we can do is find ways to cope with the holidays.

Healing through the holidays can happen, but only if you allow yourself to experience the season. Feel the goodness of the season. See the beauty of the season. For Christians it is Jesus’ birth that we truly celebrate. All the other “holiday stuff” is just that – stuff. If you get your mind on the true meaning of why we celebrate Christmas – you can truly move beyond the pain of the holidays.

Don’t be afraid to talk about how you feel or to express your feelings of grief. Pain doesn’t go away on its own. It must be given a voice, whether it be vocal or written expression. I’ve always been a big fan of journaling as I can honestly say it has allowed me the vision to see my journey laid out on paper to see the progression from early grief to the grief I have today, three years later.

When you are experiencing an increase in grieving, it can make you more tired, physically and mentally. So take the time you need to slow down and get the rest you deserve. Don’t try to keep up with everyone else. Learn to say no when you need a break. But also say yes when you need to have someone around to talk with.

My biggest lesson that I’ve struggled with from the get go has been learning to say no. Stretching myself beyond my limits. I do it because it keeps me busy and then when I’m busy I don’t think about how painful I feel. It’s a cover up. It actually can increase your grief because it is increasing your stress. Stress on the body lowers your ability to cope.

Surround yourself with people who understand that the holidays can be difficult for you. That holidays increase your awareness and sense of loss – so much so – that you may avoid holiday activities. Spending time with people who understand and that allow you to talk openly about your feelings is one of the most important gifts a family member or friend can give a griever at the holidays.

I know personally for me it’s hard to find people who want to hear my story or to hear about Brittany. But it’s crucial to the healing process to include them, the memories of them in the conversations without having someone roll their eyes at you or change the subject all because it’s too uncomfortable for the. It’s not their loss – it’s not their pain – it’s not their life. It’s your life, your pain, your loss and it has to be acknowledged for as long as you need.

A plan for anticipated moments where you may feel overwhelmed by a thought or memory should be in place so if it does happen you can leave the room or take a break without feeling embarrassed.

The most important part – is our memories of our loved ones are legacies that exist. They are a part of who we are and apart of who they were in our lives. Holidays make us remember these times more than any other time of the year. Go with it. Let it come. Journal it. Embrace it. Don’t ignore it. I have found over the past 3 years that the memories now bring smiles more than tears. But the tears still do come. Your memories are the love you had with that person and will forever remain in your heart. No one – No one can take that from you.

Create new memories by spending time with people. Try not to isolate yourself thinking you can avoid the holiday season. You can’t and it’s truly not good for you. I try to spend time with friends, family and other people to create a new definition of holiday for me. But with that in mind, these people I spend time with know my story and know that my story is what makes me who I am today.

Most of all love yourself during the holidays. Express yourself by giving and receiving love from others and from God. Surround yourself with loving people and you’ll see that your journey through the holidays will take on a new and different light. But always with a distant glow that remains in your heart from the love and joy that came from having loved someone so much.

Until next time

M

Strength vs Courage

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I follow a blog on FB called Mitchell’s Journey. It’s about a father who shares the story of the journey his family has been on from their son’s devastating disease to his untimely death. He continues to share their story as they move through their grief. One particular comment he made struck a chord with me and I felt like I wanted to share it with you. The excerpt below is quoted from his FB Page:

I was raised to accept the reality life is tough, because it is. And at some point the world tells us we have to suck it up and take it like a “man” or a woman, or a lion or a bear. But I also realized in the privacy of our bedrooms or the quite of our minds there is often an unspoken dimension to us . . . a part of us that is vulnerable and mortal; a part that loves deeply and hurts honestly. Years ago I stopped pretending to be a lion or a bear. I decided to be human – and that has been liberating.

I too was raised to expect life would be tough and while I’m a woman, I was raised with five brothers so the reoccurring theme was to “buck up” and be quiet. I saw a great deal of hurt growing up. I won’t go into any details; however life was far from easy and there were times I wondered if we would make it as a family. I grew up believing that I had a sense of responsibility to help my mom raise my brothers. Because my mom chose not to hide much from me, at an early age (8 or 9) I saw and heard things a young girl should not see or hear.

So when people tell me that I’m strong or that I have shown great strength, I have a hard time understanding that. Life has been hard and I’ve learned to just “buck up” and deal with it. But like Mitchell’s father, when I’m in the quiet of my mind, I understand that I not all that strong nor do I have great courage. What I have is faith. A faith that helps me rise above all that is negative so that I can see the positive. Not easy and I don’t profess to say that, but it is a choice. I’ve never known any other way to live. Life has just always been rocky for me.

That is not to say I don’t have things happen quickly or exciting going on it just means I’ve worked very hard to be where I am today. It’s never been a gift. Just plain work. I do believe that my life’s experiences has prepared me for the losses of my mom, grandmother and lastly my daughter. Losing my mom during my pregnancy was a hard blow to me. I took to an angry stage for a long time. My daughter was not like your normal every day child. She had disabilities due from a high fever she had at 11 mos of age. Years and years of therapy, medications, doctors and tests she ended up with severe epilepsy and crohns disease. I grieved not having a normal child. But now knowing the amazing young woman she became – I would have never traded her for anything. She was simply an amazing spirit who was sent to me for a reason. I told someone the other day that I truly believe she was sent to earth for a job and she got it done very early and then departed back to Heaven and God saying “well done my child”. That makes me smile.

So yes, I am strong, but don’t mistake my strength for healing. I’m still hurting. I’m still missing my girl beyond belief. I celebrate her life this week as we move into the 8th anniversary of passing. But I weep for her physical being because she was a part of me a part of my story.

Until next time,

M

 

 

Picture

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I’d paint a picture for you

But you wouldn’t understand

The colors are absent and the pattern is vague

The concept is hard to see; and you can’t

Wrap your head around it;

The thought of it you can’t imagine.

Picture dropping a family heirloom,

One that was valued at a gazillion dollars.

And you come home one day and it

Lay before you shattered into a million

Pieces

But you wouldn’t understand

The pieces are just part of something

You cannot see; a vision of what was once

A form that brought beauty to one’s eye.

Now it is just a mess on the floor.

That is my heart…..

Malissa Moss

Grief Exposed

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Last night I as I attempted to sleep thoughts of my journey played out in my head keeping me from a restful sleep. I said to myself – “you should get up and write” but I finally succumbed to the exhaustion and fell asleep. I don’t recall what it was specifically that I was dreaming about and that annoys me. I feel like at times I dream of things that have a message. But last night it was more like a restlessness that I cannot pinpoint. I cannot identify readily as this or that. It is just simply the restlessness that comes with grief.

I am coming into the dark days but it is a bit early just yet. I usually experience the dark days  beginning in September and it usually  lasts until the new year. With each year that has passed since my Brittany’s untimely death, I have called the days leading up to her death as the dark days. I have included the holidays for they have lost their luster for me. Can’t get that back. In fact, the meaning for many celebratory things have left me with a void that I cannot fill. I can only live in the moment and I cannot find the hutzpah to look into the future. Life for me is simply this….fill my day with busyness. Distractions work well.

Pondering on a past life that I longed for so long was ripped from me and in the wake of that,  I was not left with much to rebuild on. Not sure what the message is for me. I have resolved that I cannot figure it out and that I have to be ok with that. But haven’t quite got a grip on that yet. I still question “why me” a lot. I can look back over my life and say “why me” so many times that one might imagine any normal person would have gone berserk by now. I keep the faith that one day it will all become clear to me. Why so much has been taken from me. Why didn’t I get what they have. When I say “they”, I say all those who continue to enjoy their children, see them grow, graduate, marry and have children. My arms ache for the loss of so much. I cannot put it into words how profoundly empty that feels.

I hope that some day it will perhaps make more sense, but for now I am at a loss, my broken heart profoundly exposed and my sorrow spills over into a river of tears. I wrote today this which pretty much sums up my sorrow….

“Sometimes I just want to go back because going forwards means the distance between me and you fades and all I’m left with is the faint hint of who you were in my life.”

Until next time,

m

Peace vs Turbulence

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“Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead.” – Frederick Buechner

 

The lack of finality in what I assumed would be a life with my daughter, has left me feeling a little sad these days. As graduations are celebrated this time of  year, I am quickly taken back to a time when I envisioned my Brittany walking up to get her diploma. Yet what happened in reality is that myself along with her father walked up to receive an “honorary” diploma because Brittany died before her graduation. It is not suppose to be that way.

I also envisioned Brittany living out a life that may not have been what most parents hope for. Her disability would have had an impact on her life; however I also know she wouldn’t have let that stop her from accomplishing anything she wanted to do. Despite multiple setbacks and roadblocks Brittany lived a life that no one could deny wasn’t filled with joy and happiness. She took full advantage of the life given to her not knowing her days would be very short.

I have learned a great deal from how Brittany lived her life. I think it some ways she made peace with her illness. I know she would question why God chose her to let her have epilepsy and crohn’s disease, however those moments of feeling sorry for herself were short-lived. She made peace with what had been given her despite the many periods of her life that were turbulent. Even in her last remaining months one would have not known she was getting progressively worse. She refused to let it get her down.

So when I look at how her death and the absence of her in my life, I have to look at how she managed her day-to-day life and understand that by making peace with what happened I have an opportunity to make something good out of it. To pursue a life with peace that can lead to happiness. As I sit here writing this, I still find that to be a concept hard to visualize. Happiness after such devastating loss. Multiple losses each individually impacting my life differently. It will always be a work in progress for me. A couple of steps forward a one back. That is how grief works.

I want to walk out of my door each and every day with a smile on my face and to experience life full out just like Brittany did. I talk to her a lot about that. I pray often that she helps to guide me there. To this place of peace, even in the midst of turbulence, to find a place each day when I can look back at my day and know I took every opportunity to experience life fully. That is one of the many ways I can honor her life. She did it so well.

Loss can be transformative. It can be life giving. It can help us move forward. That transformation begins with acceptance and ends with peace. A journey that will likely take the majority of my life but I am determined to find a way there.  The path to peace should be our desire for it will allow us to grow into our new destiny for the journey that lies ahead.

Until next time,

m

Surviving Loss

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DSC_0050

Over the past four years since my daughter’s death, I have found that healing comes when I have moved with it, leaned into it and accepted it. I know this because when I have chosen at times to fight it, to avoid it or be angry about it, my healing became stagnant as if I’d taken the wrong turn. – from my blog in 2010

 

The past few months I have spent a considerable amount of time avoiding this blog. While I admit I’ve been distracted, I have been fully aware that I was avoiding writing. Why? I’m not exactly sure – but I believe it had something to do with feeling stuck.

Getting stuck is normal when on this journey, and what I find most interesting those periods where I am I stuck in my grief is when something profound is about to happen. I posted the quote above as a reminder to myself and any of you who find yourselves stuck on your journey.

I found thoughts running through my mind that my writing no longer came easily as it did in the early years since Brittany’s passing. Now it is more thoughtful, I have to concentrate on staying on topic. I even struggle to find a topic I can write about. But that is not what this about. This blog has never been about finding a topic to write about – it’s always been about writing my deepest thoughts about loss. Finding a creative outlet for the pain that gripped my heart – an outlet that would not only help me, but help others along the way.

I have been praying for a while now that I would find the courage to write again. I wanted to know if my writing was helping others. Today I read a post from a follower and it solidified for me that indeed my journey, my pain, my sorrow sketched out before you in this blog, dripping with tears of grief, is helping someone. That snapped in me to understand that my journey is evolving. It’s no longer just about me.

Those of you who take the time to read my blog – I am honored. For those of you who take the time to comment and share your stories with me – I am privileged. Thank you for your support and your time – it is so very valuable to me as a writer and as a mother who struggles daily with the loss of her only child.

Until next time,

M

Memories are a Gift

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One of the things I think we all fear when a child dies, or for that matter any one that is close to us, is the loss of the memories of them. As time passes year after year it feels as if there is this unspoken distance where I feel that it takes more effort to go back to a place in time and think of some of the great memories I have of her and our life together. Especially the last two years of her life. This has been my greatest fear of all.

As on that fateful day October 13th, 2006, the day she disappeared from my life, I feel that the memories are now fading away just as she did in a physical sense. While I do have videos, photos, a few items I’ve put together of hers that meant the most to her; it is know that she lives on in the memories of those who loved her most. Her friends have stayed connected with me over the years and I’ve been so grateful for that.

At Brittany’s funeral I spoke of them, yes I was actually able to speak which was a miracle in itself. They befriended my daughter, loved my daughter and became a very important part of her life, while many distanced themselves, bullied her, excluded her, all because she was a little different. But not her closest friends. And of course, the love of her life. I have such great memories of how they would hang out at our house on Eastlawn and we would have so much fun. As a mom, I cherished those times because I knew they meant the most to my girl.

At her funeral they got up and spoke about her and what being friends with her meant to them. I had no plans to speak at her funeral but after hearing their stories and seeing the dog tags they made in her honor, I felt compelled to speak. As many of her classmates stood in the back, as there was standing room only that day, I shared my gratitude to her friends for taking the time and investing in my daughter. They were given the greatest gift back and that was her devoted love of friendship, a terrific sense of humor and many hours of laughing. I felt so strongly that many did not know this side of Brittany. On that day I think a few realized just what they missed out on.

The memories I have of my daughter are firmly fixed upon my heart and soul and while the business of life distract me from sitting and just remembering her, I don’t ever think they will ever disappear. Today, the sweetest gift came to me in a text from one of her closest friends. She shared a memory that means a lot to her and little did she know that it would mean more to me. It gave me the greatest gift, better than anything material. And it’s this simple, but profound message…..

Brittany is still alive in her heart and she still feels connected to her through those memories. I wept when I read it, and I laughed when I read it. But most of all it touched my heart in a way I am sure she cannot imagine. For that I am and will be forever grateful.

It’s so very important to those of us who have lost our children, that we know they have not just disappeared from this earth, but that their memory, the impact they had on others, that the love shared has not disappeared, but perhaps even moved them into a space now that has made a difference to them. The lessons we learn from those departed can be the best lessons of all.

So if you live in GR, go sit on her bench and spend a few minutes remembering her and laughing out loud because you know she is…..

until next time
m

Stepping Stones

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Chapter 15 – Stepping Stones
Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss
by Susan Duke

Throughout my life I’ve had many experiences with moving on past a tragic or bad event. Each time, the movement forward was propelled by the people that were present in my life. Whether be a friend, a family member or GOD – there was always someone there who helped to clear the fog from the path I was walking.

I think for the most part it was my mother that consistently believed in me and helped me to believe in myself. Ultimately the choice to move forward though is our own. After my mother’s death in 1988 I was so angry. Even while 7 months pregnant, I found myself in such a state of depression that I wasn’t sure where to step next. It was my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter that helped provide the stepping stones for my journey. While it took close to 5 years to come to terms with the death of my mother, it was my daughter and her desperate fight for life near her 1st birthday that forced me to look beyond my pain and put my faith back in God.

During Brittany’s first 5 years of life, my thoughts frequently would go back to my mom’s death and the lingering questions I had that remained unanswered and have been even now. After Brittany was diagnosed with Epilepsy at age 5 many things in my life moved forward because there was so much to do. I was also in nursing school at the time and juggling so many stressful events. It’s as if I just kept moving forward – whether I wanted to or not. Life was happening so fast I could barely keep up.

I always wondered why God chose me to have Brittany when for the majority of her life she would deal with life-threatening illnesses and the eventual untimeliness of her death. Why would God put me through such a tragic time? I just wanted to know why. In retrospect I think back and see that God put one of the most profound people in my life for a reason. That reason was to teach me that I wasn’t in control of my life, God was. To teach me that love conquers all pain and sorrow. To teach me that God wants us to know him, to love him, to believe him and to extend that love to all.

I learned all of that through my daughter. She so understood the most simplest of lessons that God teaches, yet we as humans fail to recognize in our daily walk in life. To walk in love without prejudice. To walk in love without judgment. To walk in love without looking back. Today I still find myself shaking my head because I struggle with remembering that lesson. It’s only when I look at her life and the grace with which she chose to live her life despite many setbacks. It’s only then, that I know I have to, we have to – look for the stepping stones of our lives and keep taking those steps – one by one – out in faith.

It is through those steps that we can move beyond our loss, beyond our pain and into the light with a zest for life. If you are not there, you will  be. There will be one day when you can wake up and remember without crying. There will be one day when you can look through mementos and not cry with anguish, but perhaps with the joy of a great memory. There will be one day when you can know that part of your life was a gift, and so is the part – where you are now – right now – is the greatest gift of all. Embrace it. Live it.

until next time,

m