One month ago today I lost my only reason for living.  No one knows how painful this is. Most of the time I have a lump in my throat just choking back the overflow of tears. When I get home I sit down and let it go – a huge scream comes out. This is living hell on earth. I pray everyday for healing, I get an occasional remitting of emotion. Then something sparks it again.

I suppose I could go along and not think of her. Cause when I don’t think about her – I do ok. I might even smile. But the moment I begin thinking about her and how much I miss her voice, her smile, her laugh – I have overwhelmed with unimaginable grief. I can’t even share with anyone – because it is so horrific. I just want to die.

But I can’t. I just keep pressing on, praying for more healing, more mercy. I have to believe God hears me and knows I’m at the end of my rope. I’m hanging on by a very thin thread. Just when I think I can’t bare it another minute, I get a sense of calm. I’m sure that is God sending me peace. I just wish it would last longer, I just get enough to catch my breath before the next wave comes.

People wonder why I am losing weight. Well – most of the time – I try and eat. But when you have this much pain and it all hangs in your throat – waiting to be released – well it’s nauseating. I feel like I could throw up at any given moment. So I eat between the tidal waves of emotion. I’m sure my metabolism is high. It’s a lot of work to grieve.

I have so many wonderful friends and family – you know who you are! But I am yet all alone in the emptiness of my loss. I just want so much to stop hurting. Now her birthday is coming up and I am thinking – if I am so overwhelmed with grief now – what’s that day gonna be like. Will I survive it? Then of course, there is the whole Christmas Holiday thing. The christian in me celebrates Christ’s birth and what that means to us – then the mother in me sees this holiday without my girl and the picture looks bleak. She was all I had. It was me and Brit at Christmas. We decorated the tree together – I don’t even want to see that tree. EVER AGAIN!

All of what I have means nothing. I’m a changed person. I am no longer the person you knew. They say grief changes a person. What they don’t say is how.

How can you ever be happy again when you have lost your mother, grandmother and daughter. How can you ever be happy again when everything you held dear is gone? How can you ever be happy again when your world has been forever changed and you don’t know what’s next?

I know – this is tough stuff – but it’s mild compared to living it. 

pray for me. continue to be my friend. love me inspite of my despair – I may survive.

m