I’m really having a hard day. Feelings of emptiness overwhelm me at every corner. Everywhere I look I see evidence of her existence – yet now she is not here. I walk around my house just asking why and crying and then it abates. I get a small reprieve. Just when I think I can go somewhere or talk to someone – it floods back in only to paralize my body. Today is hard. What is 11-30 going to be like? I just can hardly bare the thought. I know somedays I can see hope – today not so much. I just want it all to end. I don’t want to be here anymore. I have no desire to keep walking. Today I’m so sad.
No cards today – first day since her death. Everyone is getting back to their lives. As it should be – everyone but me. My old life will be no more. I either have to discover my new life or choose to stop living this one. The holidays are creeping up on me. Just when I get to where I can breathe from her death – I have to endure her 18th birthday without her – Thanksgiving doesn’t seem so appropriate to me now. So I’m just ignoring it.
No one gets this pain. I’m sorry I can’t express it – it is hard to call someone and tell them I can hardly breathe. I can’t bare the pain. I haven’t slept well in days. I just want to get off this merry go round and go on. How do I go thru this alone? I have no other chances at being a parent. She was my only. No grandkids. No graduations. No weddings. Just emptiness.
No one should have to endure this type of pain. NO ONE.
Some people think I have a purpose to show hope through my grief. I thought maybe that was so – yesterday. Today – I just don’t care.