Moving On

I read an article about a family that lost a 5 year old daughter. Several things really resonated my own experience and where I see myself now.

I became a mother – for 17-1/2 years it’s what defined who I was.

I had a vision of what would be possible for my daughter and myself: for her going to college, finding true love, be all she could be; and for me, seeing something I created experience life, getting married, planning a wedding with her, helping her with her babies, etc.

When you lose your child, your only child – all those future plans and hopes are lost too.

Like this author I struggle to find meaning, to work, to write, to read, to make any type of decisions.

Why….because after nearly 50 years of living a life – I no longer know who I am or what I am to become.

What I do know….life is too short…..it passes you by in a blink of an eye…..one day you are someone….and the next you are not……now I have to find out who I am and I need to do it sooner rather than later….afraid to make any wrong decisions or mistakes…..almost paralized by the grief.

Part of me wants to flee as far as I can…..Part of me wants to keep everything the way it was….Part of me doesn’t want to breathe another breath…..Part of me wants to live like there is no tomorrow.

The challenge for me and my closest supporters is to find a compromise that will help me to move forward without thinking I’m leaving her behind.

until next time,

m

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One thought on “Moving On

  1. You know, almost every time I read one of your posts, I think about Vincent, and I don’t mention anything, because I don’t know whatto say… or how it might relate… but this time, there was one line that I really felt close to. It can be extremely difficult to move on, especially when you may feel that doing so means you are leaving a loved (and missing) one behind. I still don’t know what (other than time) helped me to dilute that thought. In fact, I believe that the only thing that put distance between myself and that thought was the daily practice of putting one foot in front of the other… a step at a time. And sure, there were many steps (and falls) backward along the way. Still, here is the fact that might hurt, even in its truth. I can’t beginto imagine how much more difficult things could have been if I lost Vincent after 17 years, instead of just five months in the womb and a few minutes on earth. I cannot say I understand how you feel… But I can say that I hope and pray you continue your journey knowing that some day (some day) things will get better. Keep hope, -mk

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