The “Backwards and Forewards” in my journey

Sometimes I feel like I am a human tug-of-war rope with moving forward on one end and moving backward on the other.

One minute I am smiling and enjoying my moment and then BOOM – I’m reeling in grief and can hardly breathe. Try to explain that one to people. If one more person says to me “I understand what you are going through” – I’m gonna scream. My response to them is “have you ever lost a child?” – if they say no – then I say “Then you can’t possibly know what I’m going through.” That was hard for me to say in the beginning. I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Imagine that!

Just a note about what I am going through – this may help you gain some perspective.

  • My heart has been ripped away from my chest and will be scared forever by her absence.
  • My reason for living is gone. Now I am left to find a new reason to live. Great.
  • The loneliness of my life is extraordinarily hard to bare.
  • Every time I see her picture – I am overwhelmed by sadness and emptiness.

One day you are someone leading a life that you took for granted, then you are leading a life you never imagined would happen, nor do you want to participate in. But you must.

Grief is so hard. If you have never experienced this magnitude of loss, there are no rules. It takes you where it wishes, when it wishes and how ever long it wishes.

Now – my faith has kept me going. Without my faith I can guarantee you without any doubt that I would not be here now writing. I would have ended the pain that I continually endure.

I can’t imagine enduring this without God. Without my church family. Without my friends and family. Yet it is one of the loneliest journeys I’ve ever made. And it’s just only beginning.

Yes I did say beginning. It’s only been 4 months. 4 months Tuesday the 13th.

Scripture of Comfort! – This one sustains me daily:

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted. He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. – Psalm 34:18

until next time,


2 thoughts on “The “Backwards and Forewards” in my journey

  1. Wow:( I really am feeling for you. I definatly can’t say that I know what you are going through, but I do know how much I love my children and I can’t even begin to understand what it would feel like to lose one of them. Keep the Faith, Our God is an Awesome God and HE LOVES YOU.

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