Dealing with the ongoing battles I fight

No one could have prepared me for this battle I continue to be engaged in call GRIEF! It messes with every aspect of who you are. It has changed who I was, yet left me with the question of who I am. In the midst of my sorrow over losing the light of my life, I continue to battle loss and grief in other areas of my life.

Moving to my home town to reconnect with my family and friends, was a decision that was difficult to make. I left so many friends, a wonderful church and church family, a great job and place to work (despite some of the quirks) and mostly leaving a house I shared for a short time with my daughter. I felt leaving the house would remove at least one area of pain that I lived in after she passed away. I still believe that to be a good decision, however, it hasn’t sold and continues to make it difficult for me to move on. I am one step away from disaster in my life and beginning to spiral in my attitude that I just don’t care. I’m tired of working hard for nothing. I’m tired of working hard in a life that is miserable with no end in sight. I’ve never felt so alone in my life.

In the beginning months of this journey I was blessed by so many friends that provided support for my loss. I miss that. I didn’t realize that my returning home would feel like I was picking up where I left off when I left in 1983. It’s as if Brittany didn’t exist. This is what is killing me. At least in Michigan she was real to everyone who knew her. Because she touched their lives so passionately either directly or indirectly. I suffer in the quietness of my broken heart. I suffer in the realization that my life with Brittany, my best achievement in life is gone forever and no one knows how desperately I want to stop the pain. But my faith, my God will not let me do that.

I pray every night before I go to bed and I get up everyday hoping, praying, begging for relief to God, in what ever form it comes I will welcome it. I’m tired.

I’m dealing with so many things, I can’t put here because it would be too much for me and for the reader to see. But know this, I believe my God will deliver me some way, some how, I don’t know when and I don’t know how. I have some difficult decisions to make regarding my current situation, so please pray for me to make the right choices in the next few days.

Thank you for all your support. May God Bless You!

until next time,

mercedes

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