Yesterday was a very bad day. So bad that I wrote a letter to my friends and family. Then I slept for a few hours hoping that I wouldn’t wake up, but I did thanks to some noisy teenagers outside.
Then I went to bed and woke up thinking why the hell am I still here. How can there be any purpose in staying when all around me my world is shattering. I keep doing what I am suppose to do. I pray, I vision, I believe – yet the opposite is what I attract. Why is that.
I was looking in the mirror this morning and thinking how can I do this again. One more day. But I do. I pick it up and I keep going. Funny thing is I don’t why. It’s just what I do. I spend a lot of time asking God if you want to stay and do work – I need energy, I need hope, I need the black cloud that travels over my head to go away.
I speak to God as if he is my best friend, well he is. I remember while reading the book “The Shack” thinking if God truly showed up and spoke to me in the vision I have in mind of who he is, I’d have a heart attack. So instead he sends people, my friends, and some only people I have met via Twitter or Facebook to me and the messages they bring remind me of what questions I have been asking God. Kind of freaky I know.
But what message I got in speaking of my own misery, I received blossoms of love and friendship from many sources. Sources that I wouldn’t have expected. People I don’t know or know well. People I’ve known for a short time. These people reminded me that I matter. That what I am here for I do not know, but one day it will come to me and I’ll be glad I made it through these rough spots.
Thanks for hanging with me my friends – you know who you are.
until next time
m
Unimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings 
Malissa, I have your blog on my newsfeed and I do read your entries. Your pain is so great I don’t know what to say that can possibly help ease it in even a microscopic way. I may not have “been there” for the same reason you have the same black cloud, but I have “been there” for other reasons, and it’s a dark place that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. You have my phone number – please call me any time. For any reason. To talk, or to have someone distract you, whatever! ((hugs)) Mary
Thank you Mary for your candid comments and caring concern. I am doing fine, just had a moment of misery that needs a place to go, otherwise it gets the better of me.
blessings
m