Today when I woke up I didn’t feel like I had slept much all night. Then I remembered – I had not. I was up at 1:30 and again at 3:30 after having some bad dreams. One in particular was about Brittany. It was a dream about her coming to get me. Telling me my time was coming.
So all morning as I walked around aimlessly through my house trying to stay focused on my tasks, I kept thinking “why do I feel so bad”? – I didn’t feel well and did feel much like doing anything. In fact, once I thought I might just go back to bed. I finally just crashed on the couch and stayed there for about 2 hours. Then I got up and noticed I was feeling a bit better.
I really never gave that dream another thought until just a few minutes ago. I just wonder why I would dream such a dream. I know at times on this blog I have written about leaving this world and going to be with her. But I truly hadn’t thought about it much, nor had I read anything or watched anything that would have put that idea in my head. So again, why would such a dream come to me?
I do believe people come to us in dreams, I believe even God comes to us in dreams. That we get messages from God about what we are suppose to do about certain things. I also believe that the evil one comes to us as well. With that being said – I think when I begin to feel bad or feel low, those bad dreams come and invade my mind. Fill it with bad thoughts and worthless messages. I find I have to fight off these type of dreams. They tend to stay with me for a few hours and then I realize that it may have been a set up and I need to God to intervene for me and help me get it out of my mind.
These are the types of battles grievers endure for so long. It seems as though you are just getting a breath, a break from the constant thoughts of loss and pain and then it’s right back in your face. Something sets it off and it usually is a comment, a story or a dream. As time passes it gets easier to fight it off, but sometimes the grief doesn’t want to leave. It becomes the company that never wants to leave. It wants to overstay its welcome so to speak.
I am at a place in my journey that now I can, at will, send the visitor on its way for the most part. I’d like to think that means I’ve made some real progress. Progress towards having better control over my emotions, better control over how I react to certain situations.
I also know that I have become more real with my opinions. I have come to a place where I won’t settle for injustice. I won’t allow people to roll over me. I am saying NO instead of YES to people who want to take advantage of me. Why and what would that have to do with losing a child you ask? Well – I just don’t care now if it costs me a job, or a relationship – if I see wrong I’m gonna say something about it. It may not come out right away, but it will. I’ve noticed that I have become a little more mouthy (I know some of you might think that is impossible), but it’s true. I do have to keep it in check and make sure it gets said when it’s appropriate.
The unwelcome visitor – grief – changes you in so many ways. It’s stays with you forever, it doesn’t want to leave like a bad guest. Some days it makes you not care if you live or die. Some days it makes me want to go out and reach out to any grieving parent and say – “I know it’s rough now, but you will get through this.” Because you will and I have.
Until next time