Author: Grief Blessings

So August is upon us and for many it is the beginning of football. Which I am excited about. It’s the beginning of a new school year. For some it brings a change in season. But for me, it’s the beginning of the dark days. The dark days are the days that begin in August and go through the birthdates, anniversaries and holidays of those most precious to me who are now gone.

I thought for some time that this dark period would diminish over time; that as the years go on past Brittany’s passing, the dark times would feel less dark. It has not always been the case. What I have learned is that this time comes but how I manage it makes the difference. Finding time to write about my feelings is just the beginning. Reaching down into my faith stores and build them back up. My survival of these dark times is dependent on my finding the resources that have created the hope I’ve believed and felt these past eight years.

My belief in Jesus comes not from the words of the bible, but in the knowing I have a relationship with Him. That He lives in me and sustains me even in my darkest of hours. His resurrection is the foundation of my faith and hope that I will see Brittany again. I can tell you without a doubt that sustained me in the early days when I was not certain I would survive the loss of my only child. When you are crawling around the floor with little ability to communicate the pain and anguish of loss, you have to have something that gives you hope.
Then comes purpose. Finding purpose is life giving. Finding it can be also difficult and the choice may not always be permanent. Sometimes it comes in a series of things, all interconnected and leading you to a place of purpose. Staying focused and dedicated to finding purpose has proven to be difficult for me. Writing this blog has been a part of it, but not the total story. There are parts missing, and I’m still searching for that.

I starting writing a book because there wasn’t much out there for parents who have lost an only child. But I got stonewalled. Cannot seem to finish it because I can’t seem to put it together in a sequence that makes sense. I think to myself “how can you make sense of it”? it’s not that easy. So I will continue to get it written and published. Other things is I’ve wanted to do, but the business of life has gotten in the way. Starting a foundation to send kids to camp in my daughter’s name. Speaking to grieving parents groups and events crossed my mind as well. So much to do. But feeling the pressure to do something and do it soon.

Until next time,

M

I never ceases to amaze me the journey grief takes me. There are times when I think I got this and I’m reminded I don’t. You see I’m an “experienced griever” not that it’s a label anyone would wish for – I sure don’t. I feel like for the most part I have it controlled. But grief shows up at the most unexpected times and reminds me that while I may have some control, it will be heard.

I’ve just passed that miserable milestone called Mother’s Day and I’d say it was fairly uneventful. But you know that is the tricky thing about grief; the emotions don’t always fall in line with the day of remembrance. Sometimes it comes early or late or even days or weeks after. 

I’m not totally convinced that you can avoid grief – even after 9 years. I often wonder if I just sit and let it happen it will come and then I’d not have to deal with the unexpected visit. That used to be the case in the early years. That would mean I’d sit and welcome the worst feeling in the world and why in the world would I welcome that. So then I tried the other way of avoidance and just hoping it would not show up. That did not work too well for me either.

I even get advice to just spend time quietly and let it happen. Gah – that seems crazy to me. But those who tell me that are the very ones who are with me when the waves crash in unexpectedly and understand that my tears come with reckless abandon and don’t stop until I’m so spent with exhaustion. There just has to be a better way – right? I’m not so sure….

All I know is that I’m tired and weary of this journey some days. It feels like such hard work. I work hard enough at my job. Everything is hard work. I wish sometimes to just go back in time and try to see if things could be different. But I know and understand that – one it is not possible nor would the outcome been any different. But I miss that kid so much some days my heart just wants to explode. No one really gets that. That is my cross to bear.

  
Until next time

M

When Brittany was little, perhaps grade school age, each year as we approached Mother’s Day I’d hear her talk about the “surprise” she was making me in school for Mother’s Day. There were a variety of paintings using many different mediums, but my favorite ones were the ones where she used her fingers to paint. She would be so excited to bring it home and show off her work. Those were the best times.

As I sit here and just take in the memories, tears well up in my eyes and I look around at all these passengers on this flight and hope they do not notice. Mother’s day is so very difficult for me. It represents all that was taken from me. But it is also a day that I wish to honor all mothers whose children have passed.

We travel a lonely road this time of year. Mother’s day is one of the toughest to get through. And if this is your first Mother’s day, please understand and know that you are not alone. That we, those who follow this blog, and the many other moms who have lost children stand with you.

Time with loved ones sometimes can help, perhaps reminiscing about your child. Other times it’s good to just be alone and quietly spend time reflecting the great memories about your child. I have found some years are more difficult than others and I’ve had to work out or through my own emotions so that I could even function. Each year is different and each person’s grief is unique. It’s so important to find what works for you.

I think it would also be good to find a meaningful way to celebrate your child on Mother’s Day. For me it’s been difficult because I not only lost my daughter, but my mom and grandmother. So it’s incredibly hard. It’s as if every which way I look there are reminders of loss. But over the years I continue to try and find a way to see this day in a positive way. To celebrate my friends and family who are mothers. I try. I’m not perfect. It’s hard.

So back at the many little trinkets Brittany made me over years and so very glad I created a little book of her paintings, poems and pictures. I can look at it and know what a beautiful girl she was and the sweet soul any mother would cherish.

May all of you find this Mother’s Day a day to celebrate the gift you gave the world and create your own little art to honor your child.

Happy Mother’s Day

M