Author: Grief Blessings

Trying to discover why I'm here and where I'm going. Finding out that today is all we have - tomorrow is not guaranteed. So live like today

The crushing ripples of grief

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I remember back in the early days after my daughter’s death I struggled with knowing who I was. I felt much like a tree that used to have beautiful branches and blooms. After the stormy death of Brittany, I felt that my limbs had been severed, my blooms withered away and I was left with just a shell. Devoid of all things called life.

I felt out-of-place wherever I went. When I went to an event in the town I lived, I felt out-of-place. When I walked in the store to get groceries, I felt out-of-place. When I drove up to my house in EGR, I felt out-of-place. Everywhere I turned I felt out-of-place. My whole life revolved around my daughter. 17 years of giving birth to her, keeping her safe, always working with medical team to keep her healthy. So when all that went away – I was left with a feeling of no purpose. It was a dark time.

As the months waned on and the winter cold settled in I felt more reclusive and more depressed.  I read the bible a lot those days hoping to find some guidance as to why it all  happened to me. Never really got that message. Which increased my feelings of worthlessness and depression. The more I read I should just have faith and get over it and move on, the more I came to understand that no one truly gets. I think the only way anyone could get this is for someone to have this happen to them. To have their life ripped up and their heart ripped out to the point that you feel nothing.

I wrote daily in my journal and for the most part it was very sparse. Sometimes I drew pictures of how I felt because the words wouldn’t come.  One of the items the journal page asked for was gratitude. I found that hard initially to find anything to be grateful about. Sometimes it would be the name of a person, or the sunny weather – but mostly I found myself grateful for breathing.

So often it was the gift of friends that caught me through so many of the dark days the first year.  Many came to be close friends that made me feel like I could make it through. I received so much love during that time and for that I have always been grateful. That is how the strong foundation was built for me to get to another level. I’ll always be forever thankful for God bringing those into my life, even if it was for a short time.

When your confidence is in God – you can do anything and God will show up!

My turning points were when I saw Brittany as a special gift from God because He knew I could care for her and give her a life that would shine and be of honor to God. Took me a long while to see that.

In February 2007, I had no idea where or what to do with my life. I wasn’t sure where my life would go or if I wanted it to go on. But through my faith and family and the best of friends I decided to move back to hometown of Indy. It was the one thing I was happy about. I wanted so desperately to leave the home I had with Brittany because it brought me such pain. There were so many great memories in that house, but also it is where I found her unresponsive. I had to leave.

While in the months to come, having left that  house was good for my grieving process, it was not good for my financial life. It was crushed. I found myself starting over. Even today I am still fighting the effects of that decision, which I would do again today, but it’s very sad that someone who has lost so much had to lose much more. There was no fairness. NONE.

People want to know why is it so hard to get over a loss. It’s because there is a ripple effect that happens when loss occurs. The ripples of life keep coming at you giving you little to no time to recover. Whenever I think I’m ready to move forward and buy a new house or condo, I find I cannot because losing my daughter meant losing my home too. So whenever I want to truly start over in my life, I cannot. I am forever reminded that when I ask if I can buy a car or a house or get credit – and I get denied – it’s just as if she has died all over agin. It just never stops.

I remain faithful that God will continue to bless me and that one day I’ll be able to start my life over again.

God is close to the broken-hearted, he restores those whose spirits are crushed.

Mine are still crushed.

until next time,

m

Memorials, Treasures and Tears

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I have a area set up in my house to “memorialize” my daughter. I really don’t like that word “memorialize” very much. But it is what we have to describe when we set a very special place up to show off our loved ones who have passed on.

Most people have a cemetery to visit, but I do not. I knew I wouldn’t continue to live in the state we lived at the time of her death. So cremation was the only option. I’ve never been a big cemetery visitor anyway. I rarely visit the graves of my family including my own mother. It makes me too sad.

Brittany used to give me such grief about not going to her grave enough. I just said to her “she is not here so why visit”. But now with Brittany gone, it does bother me a bit that I don’t have “that place” to go. To sit and talk with her, to cry and place flowers on her grave.

Over the years I have created someone of “place” with a few things to give me that sense that I can visit her. I also created a memory book during the first year after her passing and I have always found that to have been very healing. While be it hard to look at sometimes, it is very special to my heart.

The one place I have her personal things in is a special piece of furniture given to me by my late great grandparents. It’s a hope chest. Funny how it’s turned into a burial place for my daughters private diaries, her artwork, her precious American Girl doll (that looks like her) and many other treasures. When I open that up, and it’s not very often that I do, it opens up the wounds of my heart. Tears flow like a river. It’s so emotional that hope chest. It carries the hopes and dreams that died along with my beloved Brittany.

With a heavy sigh, I can say that having these treasures close by is very important to me, I find it to be a little unnerving that it is so close by. I want to visit it, go through her things, but it’s just too painful yet. Even on my 6th year, it’s just too painful. So it remains closed, unopened and waiting. Waiting for me to gain my nerve. To be alone with it. To grieve all over again.

But it will also bring me such joy and what a great person I gave birth to and helped to grow into a beautiful young woman. I miss you Brittany.

until next time,

m

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Derailment

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What has happened to me over the past few days has been what I can describe as a derailment of sorts. Easter threw me into an unexpected tailspin that led to me withdrawing and crying about the emptiness that still exists in my heart. Despite having love in my life, I still feel an ache deep within my heart that is beyond measure.

More than five years have gone by and I find that some days I have made great strides in my grief journey. Then some days I feel like I’m back laying on floor in my house back in Michigan and thinking I’m never going to live beyond one more day. Then I snap back to reality and realize that yes I have made it this far and yes I am happy again despite my loss. But my loss is never far from my mind. It cannot ever be something I will ever get away from. Nor do I want to.

I loved my daughter with every bit of my soul. She was a part of me. I grew her. She has been the best thing I have ever done in my life. I’m so proud of her and the work she did on this earth while she was here. When I focus on that too long, though, I become so sad because I long to see her again, to hear her laugh to have her say to me “mom, i love you”.

I thank God today that He graced me with her for the short 17+ years she was here on this earth. I also thank God for the love in my life now. For showing me it’s possible to love – that a broken and fractured heart can have purpose again. Most of all I thank God that He has led me to know who I am and that I have been this person all along. Just didn’t see it or didn’t want to face it.

Today I will love hard and I will allow love into my heart. I will live a life filled with love and life. I will smile again. I will be a better person because of it. Then I can do what I am here to do… be the extension of Jesus and love like Him.

until next time,

m

Journaling about grief.

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I was thinking yesterday about why I had stopped journaling on a daily basis. I’m not really sure, except that maybe it was a way for me to move forward in my journey. Your days get easier, only when you don’t eat, drink and breathe your memories. I found I would look away from pictures or reminders in order to have a moment without feeling pain.

I have been working on a book about my experience with grief. At first I wanted to publish it in a traditional way. Now I have turned to another idea – I know God wants me to do something incredible. Maybe it’s creating my book so  I can give it to those who will join me in this journey of grief.

I remember in the early days grasping onto any type of help, whether it be a book or tv show, etc. There were a few books that helped me so much. I know my blog helped so many as well. I just feel I need to do more.

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Grief Blessings's avatarUnimaginable Grief Unexpected Blessings

* Continuing through “a grace disguised” by Jerry Sittser

Chapter Four

The Silent Scream of Pain

In this chapter the author talks about the experience of pain one can experience with loss. The words “unspeakable” “unbearable” were just a few he uses to describe the pain felt by those who’ve lost a loved one. I know that pain.

Interestingly enough he goes on to reflect what pain means. The value of it, if one could find that unfathomable. The following quote puts it  into perspective and gives one some type of rationale behind why pain is experienced due to loss.

“What is true of the body is true in the soul. The pain of loss is severe because the pleasure of life is so great; it demonstrates the supreme value of what is lost.”

  

How we go about dealing with our pain is a whole different story. I found…

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Everyday

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Everyday

by MercedesGrace

Everyday that I wake up and realize you are gone…..it still hurts.

Everyday that I spend without you in my life…..it still hurts.

Everyday that I look at your picture…..it still hurts.

Everyday that I continue to breathe without you here….it still hurts.

Everyday I am reminded of how much it still hurts to live, to breathe, to exist without  you in my life.

Everyday I wake up, I breathe, I put one foot forward and I move into the next moment without you.

Everyday I am still asking why.

Everyday I still have no answers.

Everyday I miss you so much it hurts my heart.

 

The Memories of You

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The Memories of You

The memories of you
have become harder to view.
If it were not for the pictures
that rest upon my desk.

The memories of you
haunt me day and night;
some I love to see and
some I wish were out of my sight.

The memories of you
in your pjs watching TV on
a brisk Saturday morning
all snuggled up in your chair;
are the memories I cherish most.

The memories of you
laughing and dancing as if
life was free and easy; all the
while it was not.

The memories of you
begin to fade in and out;
thankful for the pictures and
videos to remind me of a girl
who once lived in my life.

The memories of you
are harder to bare; as
times goes on and life
continues without you;
I am lost in a place I have
no way to get out.

The memories of you
are all that I have to
remind me that you were the
best of me and the best of
what I have to give.

The memories of you
will be forever etched on
my heart and soul.

love 

mom


Stepping Stones

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Chapter 15 – Stepping Stones
Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss
by Susan Duke

Throughout my life I’ve had many experiences with moving on past a tragic or bad event. Each time, the movement forward was propelled by the people that were present in my life. Whether be a friend, a family member or GOD – there was always someone there who helped to clear the fog from the path I was walking.

I think for the most part it was my mother that consistently believed in me and helped me to believe in myself. Ultimately the choice to move forward though is our own. After my mother’s death in 1988 I was so angry. Even while 7 months pregnant, I found myself in such a state of depression that I wasn’t sure where to step next. It was my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter that helped provide the stepping stones for my journey. While it took close to 5 years to come to terms with the death of my mother, it was my daughter and her desperate fight for life near her 1st birthday that forced me to look beyond my pain and put my faith back in God.

During Brittany’s first 5 years of life, my thoughts frequently would go back to my mom’s death and the lingering questions I had that remained unanswered and have been even now. After Brittany was diagnosed with Epilepsy at age 5 many things in my life moved forward because there was so much to do. I was also in nursing school at the time and juggling so many stressful events. It’s as if I just kept moving forward – whether I wanted to or not. Life was happening so fast I could barely keep up.

I always wondered why God chose me to have Brittany when for the majority of her life she would deal with life-threatening illnesses and the eventual untimeliness of her death. Why would God put me through such a tragic time? I just wanted to know why. In retrospect I think back and see that God put one of the most profound people in my life for a reason. That reason was to teach me that I wasn’t in control of my life, God was. To teach me that love conquers all pain and sorrow. To teach me that God wants us to know him, to love him, to believe him and to extend that love to all.

I learned all of that through my daughter. She so understood the most simplest of lessons that God teaches, yet we as humans fail to recognize in our daily walk in life. To walk in love without prejudice. To walk in love without judgment. To walk in love without looking back. Today I still find myself shaking my head because I struggle with remembering that lesson. It’s only when I look at her life and the grace with which she chose to live her life despite many setbacks. It’s only then, that I know I have to, we have to – look for the stepping stones of our lives and keep taking those steps – one by one – out in faith.

It is through those steps that we can move beyond our loss, beyond our pain and into the light with a zest for life. If you are not there, you will  be. There will be one day when you can wake up and remember without crying. There will be one day when you can look through mementos and not cry with anguish, but perhaps with the joy of a great memory. There will be one day when you can know that part of your life was a gift, and so is the part – where you are now – right now – is the greatest gift of all. Embrace it. Live it.

until next time,

m

Randomness

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Today is Christmas and as I’m sure I don’t have tell you all that, whether you celebrate it or not. It’s Christmas.

To me it means so many things. It’s the foundation of my faith; the hope instilled in my heart; and the assurance that God is in control.

But in my private moments whether it be in mind or alone in my apartment – the randomness of where my thoughts go continue to surprise me. I  have come to understand what has happened to me over the years but I have yet to understand “why”. It’s the why that holds me back. It’s the why that causes me to cry in the shower uncontrollably because my mind randomly goes to that place – the place where I try to avoid at all costs – the space in my heart that is void – that will not or ever will be healed. Perhaps a scar, but never healed.

Crying in the shower is something I’ve come to believe is cleansing to the soul – not just the body. I feel I can pour out my soul in the shower – as the water pours over me and into the drain – it is my hope that the tears will pour out of my body and down the drain. It’s exhausting to cry but also healing. Pain has to find a release. Tears are a perfect expression of the soul – pouring out it’s pain in hopes of healing the wound that is from deep within.

I still find avoiding looking at my daughter’s pictures. If I linger to long, I can no longer look away – I’m taken back to a time and begin to mourn all over again. So today was one of those days that I looked over at my favorite picture of her where her arms are crossed over as if she is hugging herself and thinking to myself how much I miss her hugs. Her love. Her laugh. Her happiness was infectious. I miss her everyday and I don’t think that will ever change.

I have a heart of gratitude for having been honored to be her mother. That God loved me so much to allow me the honor to have such a wonderful spirit of a daughter. I believe her spirit is among us and lives through us. I think sometimes I forget that and then I become sad. But I am reminded that she is part of me as I am a part of her. She will forever be a part of me. I will not forget her, I refuse not to speak of her and mostly I will never forget that she was my daughter.

At this Christmas time remember to look at your children and know that God has granted you the honor of being their parents. It’s a humbling thought if you allow that thought to move you into a place of gratitude. I am the spirit I am today because of my daughter’s influence. I am grateful for the lessons she taught me for so long. Love everyone, deny no one and be the hands of Jesus to everyone you meet. Just think if we all lived like that what a world we would see.

until next time,

m