Author: Grief Blessings

Chapter 12 – From Panic to Peace – The Burden of Fear

I will fear no evil. – Psalm 23:4 NKJV

In this chapter Lucado speaks of fear and how Jesus may have experienced fear the night before his death. How he looked to God to take his fear away. I too in the early days looked to God to take my fears, my pain, my anguish, all of it filled my every waking minute in the early days, weeks and months after my daughter’s death.

Lucado also writes about one of my favorite stories in the Bible “The Garden of Gethsemane”.  I wrote about this previously and find that even today, 3-1/2 years after my daughter’s death – this blog post is still relevant.

The Garden of Gethsemane

As I struggled over the months to make it through, I came home and studied my bible for hours at night after work. There are so many wonderful segments of scripture that spoke to my heart during this time, but it is the story of Jesus and his disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane that really spoke to me. The words helped me to define how I was feeling about the “aloneness” I was experiencing.

Matthew 26:36 – Jesus points out to Peter, James and John how distressed and anguished he was…

38: He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

39: He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

40: Then he returned to the disciples and found them asleep. He said to Peter, “Couldn’t you watch with me even one hour? 41: Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!”

42: Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed. “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done. 43: When he returned to them again, he found them sleeping, for they couldn’t keep their eyes open.

44: So he went to pray a third time, saying the same things again. 45: Then he came to the disciples and said, “Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But look – the time as come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. 46: Up, let’s be going. Look, my betrayer is here!”

The phone didn’t ring as much, the cards stopped coming and life went on for everyone, except me. The everyday life that I knew was stuck on October 13, 2006. The everyday life I was living was foreign to me and I didn’t want to live it anymore.

I wrote the following in my blog:

My friends and family – it is so important that you stay with me on this journey. My journey in grieving for my daughter is nowhere close to being over. In fact, I’ve been very good at hiding it from everyone. It’s extremely difficult to work 9 hours a day and continue to grieve. So – it gets pushed aside only to rear its ugly head once I am home alone. I work as if nothing is wrong. But it’s all very wrong. Keep praying for me. Keep watching over me. Do not go to sleep – I need you all more than ever. – My Soul Speaks Journal Entry

My friends this chapter in Lucado’s book Traveling Light – is about fear. Fear can manifest itself in so many ways, but the one that a grieving parent suffers from the most is moving on, loving again and not losing the memory of the one they lost. I’ve had so many people say “oh you won’t forget her”. I’m thinking to myself “Seriously – how in the hell would you presume to know that?” Have you walked in my shoes? I doubt it.

****************** CAUTION *********************** ANGER and HURT AHEAD

My mother died months before Brittany was born. So yeah, it’s been 22 years – I have experience in that department. Oh and yeah I lost my grandmother 5 years later. So even more experience in that department. So when I say you do forget some of the memories, what I mean is you begin to forget their voice, their smell, their touch, their love. It’s an eminence pain I cannot begin to describe in words. Only in the tears that fall from my face and the pain in my chest does it begin to come close to the suffering I endure.

This is an incredible hurt that no one can touch. It’s the loneliest place to be. I’ve never felt lonelier than I do now. I struggle with whom I am, what I should do for the rest of my life. How am I to move forward when all I want is to have my old life back.

I just keep praying…….

Until next time

m

Chapter 11 – When Mourning Comes – The Burden of Grief

Well I must admit as I began to read this chapter I felt as though Lucado was reading from my heart and soul. I thought to myself “Lucado truly gets this” – read on.

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…….Psalm 23:4 NKJV

The 1^st paragraph of this chapter killed me. The words gripped my heart, touched me beyond all measure and made me believe even more that my purpose is to write and my grief, your grief, our grief.

“….the black bag of sorrow is hard to bear. It’s hard to bear because not everyone understands your grief. They did at first. They did at the funeral. They did at the graveside. But they don’t now; they don’t understand. Grief lingers.” – Max Lucado, page 90

“As silently as a cloud slides between you and the afternoon sun, memories drift between you and joy, leaving you in a chilly shadow. No warning. No notice. Just a whiff of the cologne he wore or a verse of the song she loved, and you are saying good-bye all over again.” – Max Lucado, page 90

Those paragraphs above represent the very thing that motivates me to write. To explore with people who don’t get it – what happens to someone when they have a loved one die. The sorrow that won’t leave, it stays for a long time, never packing it’s bags and leaves – not even for a tiny vacation.

Here is the most profound statement Lucado makes in this chapter. I want you all to listen, re-read it until it hits you like a sledge hammer:

“Why won’t sorrow leave  you alone – because you buried more than a person. You buried some of yourself” I’ve said this before and I’ll keep saying it until people get it – the day Brittany died, a little piece of me went with her. My dreams for her died and I buried them with her. My future as a mother, a grandmother – all buried with her. You can’t even imagine if you haven’t had to bury a child the immense amount of pain and sorrow that a parent carries as a result of burying not only a child, but their dreams along with them.

I spent a lot of time angry – some days I still do – anger lives in sorrows house. But as Lucado eludes to there is only one truth – God is a Good God. It’s hard to understand, wrapping my head around why Brittany died. But I do understand that God is good. I have to trust that His reasons for taking her so young at that time, was valid. How else could I see it. Right? Otherwise life would be pointless for me.

“Good people are taken away, but no one understands. Those who do right are being taken away from evil and are given peace. Those who live as God wants find rest in death” – Isaiah 57:1-2

“While we are shaking heads in disbelief, they are lifting hands in worship. While we are mourning at the grave, they are marveling at heaven. While we are questioning God, they are praising God.” – Max Lucado page 92

I so get that quote, because shortly after Brittany’s death I found a project she had done the year before in a backpack that was to have been cleaned out by family so I didn’t have to deal with it. When I was about to give it to charity – I looked through it one more time. There I found a gift that could have only been from God.

This project was about how Brittany wanted her last day on earth to be and how she would have wanted her funeral to look. Who she wanted to do the eulogy. What songs to be sung. OMG – I sat and cried as I knew we had done it just as she wanted. The last two pages were drawings of her sitting with hands held high praising God and the other was little pictures of what grief would look like to us, her family, her parents.

That gift I know changed how I grieved for Brittany. He became clear to me that God took her because it was her time and she may have been directed to write about such things, to draw about such things so that her mother and father would be able to see just how much she loved God.

Knowing this has helped me see that God is leading me through the valley and not around it. As I so often try – going around the mountain always looks better than over it or through it. But God’s plan is to go through it. And with Him at my side, I find I can move through it with more peace, not always understanding it, but peace is present.

In the beginning paragraph of the chapter Lucado writes of a 3-year-old who has just passed over into Heaven. I felt that sting of grief as I know the moment Brittany died, she awoke in Heaven. And I thank Jesus every day that I know she is sitting at His feet and praising Him, dancing and singing joyful noises along with many, many others we have loved and miss dearly.

Until next time,

m

Burden of the Grave

Chapter 10 from Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” – I Will Lead You Home

“yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4 – NKJV

Have you ever been on a pilgrimage? An adventure, a big move, a long and winding road that takes you places you’ve never been. I see the journey of grief as a pilgrimage. The road is long, sometimes surrounded by empty spaces, vacant spaces, road blocks at every turn. Mirages, if you will, that have you mesmerized by their unyielding draw.

Well the grief journey is much like that description. So many times I’ve fought the long and winding road. Dodged multiple road blocks, stifled by barricades that kept me from moving forward. Wondering if I will ever make it through to my final destination. Home. Not my Heavenly home, but when I say home I mean – who I am – finding my purpose. Understanding how God made me. Different, unique and beloved.

God has been my anchor through it all. The time when sometimes I’m unaware of His presence but knowing He has been there is comforting enough. His guidance through the murky waters of life is a treasure I’ll forever be grateful for.

God has taken me to the top, well maybe close to the top, through more valleys than I can share. But in relationship to grief, it has been that “scarred ravine”, as Lucado describes it so eloquently, that God has revealed himself so very dearly to me. It s the little “pot holes” of life that trip me up. When I forget to call on God for help, to lead me out and give me strength.

“For what the shepherd does with the flock, our Shepherd will do with us. He will lead us to the high country. When the pasture is bare down here, God will lead us up there. He will guide us through the gate, out of the flatlands, and up the path of the mountain.” – Max Lucado, page 82

Lucado writes, “David’s message is subtle and cruicial” “You are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me”. Don’t face death without God. Don’t even speak of death without speaking to God. He and He alone can guide you through the valley….only God knows the way to get you home. Committed to getting you home.”

Scriptures to help you see that message even clearer:

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go – Gen 28:15 NIV

As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you” – Josh 1:5 NIV

When you pass through the waters, I will be with  you. – Isa. 43:2 NIV

In this chapter, Lucado is speaking more to our own death, but I am saying it also applies to experiencing the death of a loved one, such as my dear sweet Brittany. Oh how I miss writing her name…..

Until  next time,

M

For His name’s’ sake – Psalm 23:3 NKJV

Continuing the series “Blogging through Max Lucado’s book – Traveling Light” – Chapter 9 “Get Over Yourself” The burden of Arrogance.

Now I’ll start out by saying this isn’t one of my most favorite chapters of the book. The next two will be gut-wrenching,
but in keeping with the order of the book, I shall continue on….

The ticket is to become and, sometimes the most difficult to achieve, remain humble. If you don’t God will find a way to help you become humble. As we know, or at least I do, that God gets what he wants. All the time. When it comes to grief. God has given me much humility. Why? Because He was that sent me hope. I didn’t create it. He sent me peace. I didn’t create it. He gave me fellowship with the people of the church. I didn’t create it. God did it all – I just received it.

It’s like writing this blog or my book – it’s God behind the wheel of this train people. Not me. It would be very easy to take the credit; but if and when I do, He will send me a reminder that it is by His grace I have hope, love, mercy and redemption, not by my own hand.

So I leave you with 7 areas that Lucado says we need to evaluate in order to remain humble:

1. Assess yourself honestly

2. Don’t take success to seriously

3. Celebrate others

4. Don’t demand your own parking spot

5. Never announce your success before it comes

6. Speak humbly

7. Live at the foot of the cross

Now there is some food for thought. Enjoy.

until next time,

m

I continue with Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” – Chapter Six – The Burden of Worry”. From a grieving mother’s perspective how not to become a worry wart….

 

As I read this chapter for the second time, I realized how easy it is for us as human beings to get wrapped up in the planning for our tomorrows. Perhaps that we review our past and hopefully, longingly plan for tomorrow in hopes that we don’t relive the same mistakes over and over. Yet what we are forgetting is that today has enough going on that we should just stay present in the moment. In that moment which we shall refer to hereafter as NOW.

Now as a project manager, nurse and in a previous life, advertising and graphic design artist, I will tell  you that leaving the planning for tomorrow is a difficult task. What I do for a living demands planning and a lot of it. But my life – well that’s a whole other concept – one I need to learn to see differently. Separating my work life and personal life is a work in progress. It requires a high level of discernment and faith. Discernment to see the subtle differences where perhaps my personal life is somewhat intermingled with my work life. And, faith – faith to let God handle the rest.

You’d think giving up control to God would be an easy one. But I can tell you it is not. I think in large part to how I was raised. Or not raised – depending on how you look at it. I have been the one who “handled” things. Kept things going – moved the train along to the next station so to speak. So now, why now, do I feel the need to give it up and let God take over. I have to, my future depends on my present. My present depends on God taking over what Lucado refers to as the “Whaddifs and Howells”. What if I….. or How will I ever…..

He leads me beside the still waters…… Psalm 23:2 NKJV

When you are grieving the loss such as the one I carry daily, you begin to worry a lot. Worry about the future, how it will look now that everything you planned for and worked for is gone. As I wrote that previous sentence I realized that there is the real problem. All that planning, and working really didn’t pay off. I worried over my daughter’s future. I worried about her health, who would be there to take care of her. I worried about what her life would look like down the road. I worried myself to death. In the end, I missed out on a lot. I should have been more present.

I was still very early in my faith, the faith I have now that is so strong, was in its infancy then. I didn’t know any better. Some days I still don’t. That’s what I mean when I say my life is a “work in progress” – learning to give over the controls to God for my future is one that has been the hardest. The price I have paid has been life altering. The price of anxiety and worry can have a profound affect on your life. There is, as Lucado eludes to, a high cost of anxiety and worry.

Worry is not a disease, but it can lead to disease. Think about it. People worry themselves to death. Creating a constant sense of worry and anxiety which can and probably will ultimately lead to a disease that will end your life early. So what’s the alternative? Well for me,  it’s really picking apart the scripture above:

He = GOD
Leads = shows me the way
Me = he cares enough for me
beside = along side of
the = it
still = quiet, calm, serene
waters = His never-ending love and grace

I’m not exactly sure how I came to that synopsis but for me, it makes sense. So now my job is finding that calm place, that still waters and bask in the beauty of God, to see the wonders of His never-ending love and to accept the grace that comes with it. To take one day at a time, leave the future to God. You see my friends, the one lesson I’ve learned so far….life is not guaranteed. You get one shot. Any day your life can change dramatically and all that worrying and anxiety – well it will be for not. Please live for today and let God handle all the rest. Enjoy where you are right now, for tomorrow we don’t know what may come, or if it will come. But today, we are assured of – so make it count. Each and every second.

until next time,

m

*A repost from October 13th 2009 – the 3rd anniversary of Brittany’s death  – feeling like I need to say it to her again as I sit here on vacation – in a place we visited so often – that now seems all to quiet, to vacant and to painful.*

Dedicated to my beautiful girl Brittany and to the many young people who have gone too soon – RIP

Vacant Space

There was a time when life was full
and we were always running the race
but now after these long 3 years
my life has become this vacant space.

There was a time when life was busy
and we were always running the race
always looking for more time to spend
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when life was so right
and we took it all for granted;
believing the joy would never end
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when I laughed at your jokes
and cried when you were hurting;
knowing that I would always be your mom
and you would always be my daughter;
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when you showed me
what it means to live beyond your ability
To imagine the world as your own
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when I saw you die and;
knowing although you were with God
helped me to heal – though still all I know
is the place in my heart where you lived is
now all but a vacant space.

There is a time when I have to move on
a time when I have to choose to be more
than I have been, that shell of a vacant space;
Only now do I realize that the vacant space is
still filled with your love and your sweet face.

Peace to you my sweet little girl Brittany.

love mom

Reposted from Nov 09 – as it is so applicable today as it is everyday…

 

For Everyone Who Ask, Receives. Everyone Who Seeks, Finds. And to Everyone Who Knocks, The Door Will Be Opened. – Luke 11:10

I’ve been praying for a long, long time for God to open a door so that the one behind me will close. I think I may have gotten my request a little out-of-order. I think I may be in looking back way to often and not looking forward enough.

As I continue to move forward on my journey of grief since the death of my daughter I find myself, especially this time of year, looking longingly at that past door that lies behind me. I am sure now after reading that scripture that by not keeping my eyes fixed forward I have hindered God’s desires for me.

Can I just say that takes an incredible amount of grace and humility to admit that, although I feel like God is making doors open for me, I can’t help but to look back sometimes and wish that I would wake up and it all had been a bad dream.

I find that particularly painful to admit, because I know it is the very thing that has stonewalled my progress. The problem then becomes how do I stop looking back. Stop looking back at a life I still long for. How do close that part of my life and look forward? It’s not the game  I wanted to play.

During this time of year seems to be the most difficult. The tendency to look longingly at the door of my past life with Brittany is so strong this time of year. It takes a great deal of strength and attention for me to stay focused on the present and future. I lean into and yes I said into Jesus in order to stay focused on moving forward.

The one thing I do know is that this happens every year at this time. For the past three years it has been extremely difficult to remain faithful that God will keep that door open long enough for me to crawl through. But I also know that God has always remained faithful to me even when I couldn’t even see it. See HIM. He is always there. Waiting for me.

My challenge is finding a way to close the gap between when I start to feel this longing and when I am able to focus on the door in front of me and not the one behind me. And understanding that this journey is a process and one that ebbs and flows without too much influence from me. It’s the nature of the beast.

Every gift that God gives us opens a door for something greater and more wonderful than we can imagine. I know this to be true. The hard part is remaining faithful to that knowledge when it gets a little rocky or life hits the skids. Remaining faithful will allow God to move in ways we can’t possibly imagine.

Hold on my friends, hold on.
until next time

m