Author: Grief Blessings

In preparing for this Friday’s Remembrance Service I was going to use the post “The Value of Friendship” to speak to the attendees who are there in support of someone who is attending the service to remember a loved one who has died.  Mostly in part because I believe this topic has become so taboo to most and it doesn’t seem to be discussed much in other grief books.

As I attended church today the topic was on authentic relationships. I thought to myself after the sermon, that maybe I needed to add to my original post. But after reflecting on it I have decided to write an after thought. Mostly because I don’t want to take away from the original content of the post, but I do want to have some connection to it with what I’m about to say.

When I talk about friendship and the value of it, I’m speaking from the perspective of grief. How grief can affect friendships, families and other relationships. The one message I don’t feel I was able to convey was that when a person does go through a life event, whether it be a loss of a job, or a loved one or divorce, you find out who your real friends are. The ones that stand by you.

In today’s message at church DaveRod talked about what it means to have authentic relationships. So I got to thinking about how that would look from a grievers perspective.  How that when we have a relationship with someone – how does it look? How do you see it? And is this relationship a two-way street? By that I mean does the other person involved feel the same way about the relationship.

I’ve said this before that “real friends” stand by you no matter how difficult life gets. In fact, some friends come into your life after you have suffered a loss and some friends leave after you suffer a loss. Real friends are an extension of God. As DaveRod states it “they serve as a surrogate” or “stand in for God”. As I sat there today hearing that, I so profoundly thought of the three most incredible people who did exactly that for me.

These three women provided love, time, company and the most precious to me was that they brought me joy when I thought it was all gone. They brought me hope because they made me feel loved. That is what God wants us to do when we are in authentic relationships with people – to be an extension of Him. To love. To give. To sacrifice. Are you doing that? Can you say that you have authentic relationships in your life?

Towards the end of the sermon DaveRod mentions something that just blows my mind. “You have to spend love to get love” – holy moly. We get what we spend. We get what we give. As a grieving mother, daughter, granddaughter – I can say that I probably have been receiving a lot more than I’ve been giving. Perhaps that’s why I have chosen to continue this blog. To write the book. To mentor college kids. To mentor parents who have recently lost a child. It’s payback time.

Today I am grateful for some incredible authentic relationships in my life. From the darkest moments of the early days after Brittany died when all I could do was crawl to my bible and look up scripture just to get some sort of hope that the pain in my chest would be healed. To now, where I stand in my journey I have been blessed by some of God’s greatest gifts.

In 1st Corinthians 13:7 – “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

Verse 13 captures it all: “three things will last forever – faith, hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love.

Until next time

m

As I approach the 3rd year of seeing another birthday, another Thanksgiving and another Christmas fly by without my sweet baby I feel myself being reeled back into this dark place that seems to always creep back in this time of year. Despite how much better I feel or how much progress I’ve made in my journey, the holidays always seems to bring a darkness that prevails until after January.

Despite my many failed attempts at covering it all up – it’s there. It’s become my new best friend. The expected visitor this time of year. A dark veil drops over my life and nothing seems to matter. The holiday lights look pretty, but they just don’t have that same glow.

You know she would be turning 21 this November 3oth is a milestone I dreamed of for so long and now I will not see it. Oh how I wonder what type of woman she would have become. I have all the faith in the world that she had already begun that transition into womanhood – because she was this beautiful flower just beginning to blossom into what she would become.

Her birthday is tough, but the holidays – well the joy of those days has yet to return. Attending a Thanksgiving with family is painful. Because she should be here. It’s wrong that she is not here to celebrate with the rest of the family. I would rather spend Thanksgiving alone, than to be around family where I am constantly reminded that she is not there by my side.

The tree that I force myelf to put up because I think that possibly one day it will make me smile. For me Christmas is about Jesus and his wonderful entrance into this world. But it also has family memories. Memories from my own childhood and then with Brittany. The tree is a symbol of a life once lived. A life I miss so much. A life I want back. But no that I cannot have back.

Holidays are the toughest time of year for us grievers. Having her angel date, birthdate, Thanksgiving and Christmas all rolled up into a 3 month period is just about too much to bear.  This is where I feel the lonliest, where I feel no one gets it. How could you? You don’t know, because you can’t know. So I suffer in silence, because sharing it openly is admitting I have to feel it.

I share it here on this blog, in hopes that someone, somewhere is reading it and knowing that what they are feeling is normal. And that it is ok to feel sad – because holidays are the worst time of year. But the new year brings with it a renewed hope that something new and fresh will happen and maybe, just maybe a new memory will be made.

Until next time

M

I wrote that title You + Me = US because I wanted to show how that how us grievers, no matter what type of loss you have experienced, we are all truly the same. I’ll explain….

Earlier I read about a little girl who fell out of a swing and hurt herself. She cried out for her mother. Her world that she knew, the fun-loving, exciting world of swinging just turned into a painful experience. The world she knew to be secure was shattered because of the pain. As she cried for her mother all she really wanted was the security of the world she knew before – the freedom of swinging.

We are so very much like that little girl. Grieving rocks our world. One day we are living life to the fullest, experiencing the freedom and love only to have it ripped from us like falling from that swing and finding our lives shattered because all that we knew was safe was now unsafe.

Unfamiliar territory so to speak. If you remember in the movie Alice in Wonderland as she spirals down further and further into a world she doesn’t know she becomes disoriented about where she is. That is what it is like to wake one day in a world you do not know. Where the very identity you understood to be true and safe is now gone. And you find yourself wanting it all back. You pray for it to come back. You wish for it to come back. You dream that it will come back. But alas it does not.

There is nothing wrong with wanting that familiar smell of our loved one. Or wanting to be hugged by them again. Whether it is a mother or a daughter or a son or a husband. All of those things that we miss about them we want back. Because those feelings feel good. They make us feel secure. But what we have to realize is that our steadiness, our support, our love and most of all, our emotional stability comes from God.

Once we realize that it is and always has been God who is in control, can we move forward in our journey. That is the security we need to keep us propelling forward. That security has been the very thing that has kept me going. In the early days it was reaching for familiar scripture to give me some assemblence of hope that I could survive. Now it is more than that – it is reaching out to others to tell my story that surviving is just the beginning of a journey that can be so much more than just surviving.

We are all like that little girl who fell from her swing and suffered a loss. The loss of what we knew was safe. We have endured storms, disasters, fears and much much more. But connected with God, establishing our relationship with the Father will help us to feel safe again. It will help us find our identity again. Then in doing so we shall find our world restored. To feel the safety of life. To begin our new journey. That journey my friends is one I can assure you will be so much more than you could possibly imagine if you would just let God do the work.

Until next time,

m

Grace Community Church > Grief

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My church is having a Remembrance Ceremony and Grief Workshop. I have gone for the past two years and I have found it very helpful. Even though most don’t really speak – but you feel a sense of community amongst the grievers that is very comforting. For they know your pain and you don’t have to explain it, you don’t have to be embarrassed to cry and most of all you feel accepted.

We light candles for the people we’ve lost and a video of pictures is shown of those who have gone before us. It is a touching ceremony and one that I feel is very important for grieving community members to attend.

Until next time

m

I get to teach my class about the art of active listening and it always seems to be a difficult concept for some to pick up. Not sure why that is but I do know it is something that we all could use a little refresher course in.

Active listening can mean many things. It can be used by anyone and it can be very effective in communicating or conveying compassion.  In order to be able to look at another viewpoint or another person’s perception using “borrowed insight”; you have to get your mind off of yourself and onto the person you are listening to.

I see the lack of active listening or looking at someone’s situation with borrowed insight as a way for us to avoid engaging with someone because it would make us uncomfortable. For example, when faced with the awkward position of having to comfort a person who is grieving, we find ourselves looking for any way to get out of it. To get a way from what makes us uncomfortable.

If you don’t think a grieving parent or a grieving spouse doesn’t pick up on that awkwardness, you are dead wrong. It becomes the very wedge between relationships with friends, with spouses and with family. All because we don’t know how to actively listen or to see with “borrowed insight”. I think in large part because we live in a “it’s all about me” society. We want it now or not at all.

That inability to stop and get quiet and focus on someone else is what keeps some people from moving forward in their grief. The voice that needs to be heard, the pain that needs to be released, the memories that need to be relived are silenced by the lack of compassion because it makes us uncomfortable.

Tonight I was listening to a group of leaders talk about how to manage a situation. I too found it hard to stay focused on what each person was bringing to the table. I kept thinking about what I thought would work or wouldn’t work. But then it happened. I heard a cry for help from someone and I heard it loud and clear. It was as if all the other voices were silenced and I heard her speak clearly.

So I know it works. Take more time to quiet your own agenda and get involved in listening to the pain and anguish of the people who are right in front of you. Because they are there, waiting for you to listen.

Until next time

M

Some days I am not the best at getting quiet and listening. Listening to nature, listening to people talk, listening to God. In fact, I keep the noise level so high I can’t even hear my own self think. But today I heard a voice and decided to act on it

While taking a walk today on a treadmill today I decided to listen to one of my podcasts called “Do It Again” by TD Jakes. Now I’ve written before about Bishop Jakes on this blog and how his ministry has helped me in my journey. Especially the times when I thought I couldn’t go on one more day. There he’d be giving me the very word I needed to hear.

Today was no different, in fact it was one a message I clearly needed to hear and probably need to hear again and again until I get it. It really helped me see I have a long journey yet to go, but one that is filled with hope and I’m ready to get it started.

You might think that I have already started my journey the moment my daughter died. But I have lived in the various stages of grief over the past 3 years and they have kept me from moving forward. Mostly I haven’t learned to love again to let love be a part of my life.

In order for me to move to the at next stage in my life, to be the person God intended me to be, I must learn to love again without fear of loss. Tonight during the Biggest Loser I watched Abby talk about that very fear – the fear of loving after you have lost everything. It’s not easy my friends.

But I do believe God places people like myself and Abby and the many other grieving parents here on earth to continue on a journey that will lead us to a higher level and he will restore what has been taken from us. He will fill up and heal our broken hearts. He will fill our lives with a joy like we’ve never known. And that is how it all starts…listening for His voice and believing in His Word.

Until Next Time,

M

Today as I was walking along the Monon I got a chance to think about what it means to have friends. I’ve been blessed to have a great many friends in my life and I have had some of those friends for many, many years. This past weekend I had a friend drive down from Michigan to spend time with me. It was during my walk this afternoon that I realized just how much I value her friendship.

This friend, Julie, is more than just a friend. She picked a time of the year to come and visit because she knows it’s not the best time of year for me. She remembers how tough it can get. So I would imagine you would think she must know what it’s like to lose a child. To be able to have such insight, but she didn’t lose a child. She just knows how to be a true friend.

That got me to thinking  how would you know what a true friend looks like. How have our past experiences taught us about friendship. I believe that friendship is far more important than we think. I believe we value friendship and probably always have, but what I also believe is that we take it for granted. How so?  Oh we have our little friendship clubs, our girls night out, or little cliques at work that we hang out with, girls that we go shopping with.

But it the friends that stand by you when the going gets tough. Even though they don’t know what to say, they come and stand by you anyway.  Even if it makes them feel uncomfortable. That is a true friend.

I think sometimes the hard part is recognizing when you are making friends, what type of friend will this person be. Will they be a socialite friend or one that you can count on. That they are your friend because of who you are, not what you are. How do you know? I mean how do we really know who our true friends are.

I thought I knew. A couple of times – I may have not been paying attention to the signs, but in the end I found out who my true friends where. The ones that despite how incredibily difficult it was to remain in my presence during a really hard time, they continued to stick by me. And I know it was very hard for them, because they didn’t know what to say. They didn’t know what to do. But they were there. Everyday. Calling me everyday. Remembering me on every holiday. Letting me know all the while that I mattered.

That they were my true friends, and I was their true friend for life. And that is what you do for people when they are grieving. Or when they have had a loss no matter what type of loss. When they are down, you don’t kick them and say “this is just too much for me to handle”. Because what you are saying is “I just can’t be your friend anymore.” That hurts more than  you could possibly know.

What you can do is walk beside them, be a presence in their life and say I’m here. It’s really that simple. You can not fix them, nor can you always have the right thing to say or do. But just being there and acknowledging their existence is how to be a true friend.

until next time

M

I wanted a perfect ending.
Now I’ve learned, the hard way,
that some poems don’t rhyme, and
some stories don’t have a clear
beginning, middle, and end.
Life is about not knowing,
having to change,
taking the moment and
making the best of it,
without knowing what’s
going to happen next.

~Gilda Radner.

I chose to write about joy because it seems to be sorely lacking these days. Everywhere I look it seems as if the joy has left so many people. Lost jobs, lost lives, lost hope. How do we find our joy? Where has it gone and have you seen mine?

It seems as if we spend an incredible amount of time pretending that life is just ok. That being just ok is “ok”. We are sadly convinced that mediocrity is an acceptable level to achieve. That it’s possibly the best we’ll ever see. I think that is incredibly sad.

The connection between this theory of mine and grief is a very close one. In fact, so close that at times it seems as if the stage I’m at now, may be the best it will ever get. Then I think to myself “God didn’t leave me here without my girl, my mother and my grandmother to live a mediocre life”. Surely there has to be something better out there for me. A reason to look up and say “thank you God for blessing me in the midst of my grief.”

Some days that ability to look up is hard. There are days when it is easier to look down. Because people often put you there, not because they want you there. I don’t believe this is on purpose, but it’s all some people know. The lack of support or empathy creates a sense of self-doubt in the griever. That sense of self-doubt keeps you from moving forward.

Self-doubt keeps  you from seeing the joy. The joy that comes when God puts people in your life that  you would have never expected to come into your life. People who don’t even know you that well, go so far to care for you and extend their joy so that you can feel better. It continues to surprise me that the majority of my true support comes from the kindness of strangers.

People who want to hear my daughter’s story. People who want to know about her. That aren’t tired of hearing her story. My story. It makes me see joy again. A feeling I haven’t been so sure I’d ever feel again. I remain thankful to God for his continuous blessings as he brings people in and out of my life that leave a mark of love and joy on my very broken heart.

It’s important because the mending of my heart has begun because of the care and concern of strangers who care for someone they’ve never met nor may never meet.

Until next time

m