Category: grief blessings

Where is the happiness?

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This post will be based on Chapter 4  – The Prison of Want: The Burden of Discontent from Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” and written from the perspective of a grieving mother, daughter and woman.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want – Psalm 23:1

 

Today in church I sat and listened to our pastor talk about family and how in today’s world our families have become disconnected. Running here and there and everywhere, yet never taking the time to stop and rest. To look at what they have or who they are. They have become this frazzled, anxiety-ridden family who have lost the meaning of what a family should be.

As I sat there next to a family I love dearly, knowing how crazy their lives are and how sometimes very stressful their lives must be going here and there meeting deadlines and traveling from practice to practice. Yet as I sat there looking at them, I was saddened. I was saddened because I no longer knew what family meant – it certainly didn’t look like theirs: Husband, wife, and 3 beautiful kids. You see growing up my family never looked anything like that. It was fractured, broken and most of all empty. Always a sense of we were one step away from a disaster of master proportions – all because a father chose to walk away.

Then I was also reminded that because my mother had died and my grandmother 5 years after her – the family I did know was fractured even further. Then a divorce and the death of my only child left me with a pit of sorrow in my belly I had to leave the church. I so wanted what my friend had – I never felt more lonely than I did at that moment. What had been taken from me was family. Everything I knew to be family – has always been taken from me. What I didn’t realize is that I had always defined myself by my family no matter how dysfunctional or fractured it was it was still my family.

Lucado mentions in the book that we tend to live in a prison of want so often that once we obtain what we want – it quickly looses its luster and again we are imprisoned again by the desire of want. Just wanting that one thing, that one thing that would make us feel whole again. The person who could make it all better. But you know what it doesn’t happen that way. And it’s taken me 52 years to figure that one out.

“Life is not defined by what you have, even when  you have a lot” (Luke 12:15 msg). Heaven does not know you as the fellow with the nice suit or the woman with the big house or the kid with the new bike. Heaven knows your heart.”

 So after reading the passage above I thought then what is it that we are supposed to be looking for to fill that void. What could it be that would create a sense of joy that would overcome the sense of pain and sorrow that now resided in my empty heart.  After finishing the chapter I realized that the only thing that can make a difference in my life, the only thing that can bring me joy that can create in me a sense of peace is God. My shepherd. My Lord.

Then I read the final passage that made it all so very clear:

When we surrender to God the cumbersome sack of discontent, we don’t just give up something; we gain something. God replaces it with a lightweight tailor-made, sorrow-resident attache of gratitude.

When you have realized your gratitude the contentment will come, the happiness will follow. You may see improvement in so many areas of your life that will create a sense of wonder like you’ve never seen before.

As Lucado suggests begin with repeating the following:

“The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

Again – “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

Again – “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

And Again – “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

I think this can remind us that if we know we shall not want, we will gain so much just beginning with a heart of gratitude.

until next time,

m

 

 

 

 

When Everything Changes

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days and I have come to the conclusion that it’s hard to reinvent yourself late in life. How do you move forward to a new life when you’re still are reeling from the past one? Where does one start? How do  you get the ball rolling – so to speak.

There are a lot of books out there about reinventing  yourself – but it mostly is directed towards a profession. I’m talking about digging down deep and finding out one of two things: who are you? or who are you meant to be? Because clearly after a life change  you are not who you once were. Despite friends and family wishing you would just pick right back up and move on the same ole’ person you were before.

Reinventing who you are starts with finding out what matters to you. What morals do you believe in, live by. What value to put on – anything? Even  yourself. Perhaps writing a “mission statement” for yourself might be a good place to start. Something to think about – then of course, you’d have to know and understand what a mission statement is. I’ll tell you I know what it is not – a picture you hang on your wall for everyone to view, but for no one to live by. I know you’ve seen them hanging in the halls of many businesses’ right? – I have.

Franklin Covey has a great website for helping someone write their own personal “mission statement” – here is my first attempt using their website:

I am at my best when I am surrounded by grateful people..
I will try to prevent times when I am surrounded by hurtful people and when I am lonely.
I will enjoy my work by helping facilitate communication between management and my teams..
I will find enjoyment in my personal life by making people smile..
I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as my love being creative –  Photography, jewelry, advertising, mentoring..
I can do anything I set my mind to. I will help unsuspecting people in need..
My life’s journey is about my faith in God and fulfilling the purpose He has created for me..
I will be a person who my friends thought I was a great friend, mentor and lover of life..
My most important future contribution to others will be to make sure my nieces and nephews don’t ever forget my late daughter who lived life out loud and full of joy.

I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

  • feeding the hungry
  • recycling
  • mentoring young people

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

  • Love everyone
  • help the needy
  • live everyday grateful – even when life got tough

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

  • walking outside and seeing God’s creation
  • Spending time with my spiritual family at church.
  • Meditation when I can.
  • Watching a funny movie. Laughing

So there  you go…. go give it a try. http://www.franklincovey.com/msb/

Until next time,

m

 

The Many Facets of Grief

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Sometimes topics come to me in a quick thought, or sometimes by something I have seen or heard but today it was a question someone asked: What are you writing about today? And my response was Pain, suffering, angst, grief & redemption. So here it goes.

The pain of loss is so profound that one cannot explain how it feels. I’ve attempted several times on this blog and in my book to put the pain to words and somehow I don’t think I’ve ever come close. In looking back at some of the poetry and other blog posts I do see the pain very clearly. But still those words – they are just words. They cannot put a speck of meaning to the hole in my heart, in my life and in my future that remains from the loss of my daughter.

The pain resides like a never healing sore. It gets better some days and gets worse on other days. How do I know that you might be thinking. Well every time I hear of a child who passes, it stops me dead in my tracks and immediately get teary-eyed and think “oh those parents”. I know their pain. I know it personally, inside and out. It’s tragic and scary and no one wants to think about it, talk about, write about – but it happens every day. Today my sore got worse.

Today I heard of the passing of little girl from cancer. Tears welled up in my eyes. I don’t even know this child, this family. But I immediately felt a connection. Sometimes when I hear of a child passing, it takes me back to the dark place I don’t like. The place that I don’t want to visit anymore. The nightmarish morning I lost my daughter. Sometimes it just makes me sad for that family. I feel their loss so very personally. Because I know today their sore begins.

The sore represents suffering. Suffering comes like waves of an angry sea. Crashing up on the rocks of our life causing you to gasp for your breath and just when you feel like you have your breath, the waves come back again and again and again. Knocking you down so many times you don’t think you can get up. But you do.

You get up because you have to. You go on because you have to. But the suffering it goes on. It just lessons over time and comes back only to remind you of what you have lost – as if you would forget. This is grief. The grief is a veil one wears over their wounded heart. The veil of grief is a heavy burden to bare. It weighs you down and keeps you from seeing joy.

The angst comes in how you start to live your life out after you have lost so much. It can close off your heart from love because you feel like loving someone again would just be impossible. You find yourself not letting people get close for fear they will die. As you have some disease that makes people die. I certainly thought so. I mean really – my mom, my grandmother, my daughter, my aunt. It’s a laundry list of death and destruction.

But thank God there is a God of redemption – God promises to comfort those who mourn. He promises to heal the broken-hearted. He offers hope that by the resurrection we will be reunited with our loved ones again some day. So yes there is pain, suffering, angst, grief & redemption and I am grateful that I know my God is standing beside me every step of the way.

Until next time

m

Fighting for my Faith

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A REPOST FROM 2007 ABOUT FAITH – SEEMS AS THOUGH THIS APPLIES AS MUCH TODAY AS IT DID THEN…..

 

Today I heard a sermon that I needed to hear!

In the past few months my faith has taken a back seat. As I listened to the pastor at my GR church, I realized that I have let the devil take over my life in some areas. Most importantly my faith. My faith was beginning to take a downward turn. My outlook was getting dimmer and less optimistic. All because my faith had lost it’s voice.

I never understood just how much my church meant to my faith building. Being in the presence of believers with strong faith and charismatic praise has had a huge impact on me, especially during the first months after Brittany’s death. It was how I made it through every minute of every day. I surrounded myself with my fellow church members.

Now I’m in a new church – possibily looking for someplace else, but sorely lacking that support. Without that support, the devil has crept back in like the snake he is, and took advantage of my current circumstances.

This is what I was reminded of and believe I must do to receive healing:

Faith must have a voice!

Mark 11:23 “…whoever says to this mountain, be lifted up and thrown into the sea! and does not doubt at all in his heart but believes that what he says will take place. it will be done for him.”

Believe

Mark 11:24 “For this reason I am telling you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe (trust and be confident) that it is granted to you, and you will receive it.”

Forgive

Mark 11:25 “…if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop, in order for that your Father who is in heaven may also forgive you.”

Mark 11:22-26 is such an important passage for me and for anyone going through a tough time. I have looked the other way for too long and must get back on track. My life depends on it.

I am praying that God will help me to get back on tract so that I can live a balanced, victorious life.

until next time,

m

I Can’t Let You In Today

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J’ai un lourd coeur aujourd’hui. La douleur de perte continue pour toujours. Il vous frappe le droit quand vous le moins vous y attendez.

The quote I posted above in French means “I have a heavy heart today. The pain of loss goes on forever. It hits you right when you it less expect it.” I use French because it is a language I love to listen to, try to understand yet cannot speak.

Today I am having one of those days that just keeps coming back despite all my belief, my trust, my hard work, my support and my God. Why? Well as anyone who has ever dealt with grief for whatever reason knows it returns when it wants. It haunts daily. Sometimes even minute by minute. In the early days of grief the sorrow is all so consuming. You breathe it. You cry it. Yet it’s as if it’s a staring contest to see which one will remain standing.

What I have come to learn, through many tearful, anguish-filled days and nights is this: you can’t fight it. You have to let it come on in and take a seat. Stare back determined to show that God has your back and He will not let you fail. He will not let the all-encompassing darkness take hold of you – if you will only ask Him.

I remember so many nights calling out to God and begging, praying, pleading – “please take this away” “take away this pain” “take away this huge gaping hole in my heart” – yet it is still here today for a reason. God has provided me so much comfort these past 3 years, but the one thing that will not go away is the fact that it all happened.

What reason can you imagine why I still have to battle this grief? I’m still figuring that one out. When I get really quiet and listen – ever so quietly I can hear God whispering – look around you so many people are hurting. Help them.

But what I forget is this  – I still need nurturing too. I have gotten to a point where I write about my experience in hopes that someone can read it and say “that’s it” I get it. But I still need that too. Problem is – I keep everyone at arm’s length. To let people into my life is extraordinarily difficult.

I see close relationships as a path down a road of loss I do not want to visit ever again. So you see although I have come so far I have so far to go. I have lost so much, so much so, that I will do whatever it takes to keep people at a comfortable distance. It’s a protective mechanism I have chosen to use to keep people away. For if I let someone in – I see death. I see love as a means to death because so many people I have loved have left me or died. It’s what I know.

This to I know – God keeps working on me and He keeps loving me despite my pain. And that is the most important message I can give today. One day I know God will help me to see that letting others in, and I mean really in will not hurt. But today it hurts.

until next time

m

Another New Year Comes and Goes

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Happy New Year – 2010 Is Here.

I have never been happier to see a year go like 2009. Besides the year 2006, 2009 ranks right up there as one of the worst years in my life. Well 2007 and 2008 didn’t go so well either. So here’s to 2010!

So I enter 2010 with the hope that I am able to feel I am making a difference some how, somewhere, for some one in the world. Whether it is my Twitter family, my Facebook family, my WordPress family, my church family or my own personal family – my goal for 2010 is to make a difference. To bring the message of hope that you can not only survive a crisis, but you can turn it into something positive by helping others.

With each year that passes since Brittany’s death, I become more focused on what I have to do to move on with purpose. Not to just plainly move on. Because just moving on isn’t good enough. There has to be some purpose. Some reason to get up everyday and say this could be the day I may be able to help someone through a tough time. This could be the day I make a difference.

Making a difference in today’s world has become increasingly important in the healing process for anyone who has experienced a loss. For someone like me, a single mother of an only child who died – well the future wasn’t looking too good for me back in late 2006. In 2007, I made so many changes that I wasn’t sure if I was coming or going. In 2008, it was if it all came to a head and my life imploded right before my eyes. My health took a dive, I realized I could no longer work in the job I loved. And the financial ramifications that started the moment Brittany became seriously ill until the months after her death all came to a unpredictable end.

In 2009, it was if I was just existing, trying to make sense of the past 3 years. Where I had been, how far I had come and that going back wasn’t an option. The life I knew I could no longer pine for. My life with Brittany was over. My life with someone I was in love with was over as well. Everything I knew to be safe and true was destroyed. So for me 2009 seemed as if my life was on hold so to speak. But seriously it felt like it was non-existent. So again I said goodbye to a year that meant so little as far as my healing goes.

The most incredible thing that has happened to me in 2009 that I will be forever grateful for are my friends on Twitter. You know who you are. The Farkles – Lynn, Jill, Lisa, and Sara.  I also have other friends on Twitter as well and to them and to the Farkles – thank you! These friends have been an incredible support for me and I will forever be grateful for their love and support this past year. I look forward to continuing getting to know them in 2010. A small side note about Sara. She is so much like my sweet Brittany. Loves God, loves children, loves to help the needy and just plain has a heart that glows because her soul is good. Getting to know her has been, on some levels, a saving grace for me.

To my church group ACCESS – I love being involved in this group. They give me energy that I haven’t had in so long. When I’m with them, all is right with the world. With my world.

God has surely placed so many great people in my life in 2009 – so now I have to admit 2009 wasn’t so bad at all. It was the foundation for what is to come in my life for 2010. So Happy New Year and I say bring it on 2010 –  I’m ready and get ready to see something phenomenal happen – you only have to believe it.

Until next time

m

The Former Things Are Passed Away

Even if it’s through this blog, my book, the way I live my life. Somehow the message of hope will prevail.

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“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There won’t be death anymore. There won’t be any grief, crying, or pain, because the first things have disappeared.” Rev. 21:4

from International Standard Version (©2008)

I can’t tell you how many times I have come back to this scripture for comfort during my journey of grief. These words written have given me hope to get through a tough minute. The hope to get through a tough day. The hope to get through this tough life.

For me it’s comforting to know that one day there will be no more tears, no more death, no more mourning. That one day when Jesus returns all the bad things will be passed and I will be able to see my loved ones who have gone before me.

When you are dealing with grief some days it’s hard to see the blue sky for the grey clouds. The blue sky represents life and the grey clouds represent death. That is why it is so important to have a firm foundation in a faith that will sustain you during those tough times.

I know that some people who are experiencing this journey of loss may not have a faith like mine. They may not have any faith at all. I seriously don’t know how any one could go through such a loss could survive it without faith. My faith has been the rope I have clung to for so long.

I understand that not everyone believes what I believe. But I can tell you without a doubt that I am still standing because of my faith. I am still alive because of my faith. I am still moving forward because of my faith. My faith that God will make all things right. That God will return all that has been taken from me.

I believe with all of my broken-heart that God will continue to heal it and to mold my new life into something far greater than I’ve ever experienced before. Something that will make a difference in the world. Even if it’s through this blog, my book, the way I live my life. Somehow the message of hope will prevail.

People often ask me how I make it through each day. Simple, unseen, but heart-felt belief in God.

Until next time

m

Creating Space

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Some days I find it hard to find the space to become quiet and listen for God’s voice. In the business of my day, I have become attached to the noise. It fills the void that exists in my life. Noise that I used to hate.

Noise used to make me crazy. I hated the TV on and I loved to play music on the stereo. But since Brittany’s death noise has become a necessary evil. It keeps me from hearing nothing. Which reminds me she is not here. Which then makes me sad and I withdrawal from the world.

Now I keep the TV on far more than I used to. And I no longer play music. It all reminds me of the life I had, the one I loved so much and the one I don’t have anymore. When I try to go back – I cannot.

I now realize I have to create some space in my life that allows the quiet to return. So I can hear what I need to hear to heal. To move forward – to allow love back in my life. The love of music, the love of reading, the love of being out with people. And just plain love.

Little did I know that creating that kind of space would be so hard. It’s just easier to keep the noise going and the thoughts pushed back. But that doesn’t accomplish much. In fact, it keeps me from enjoying life. Some days I think to myself – Malissa – you got a life to live. A life that God wants you to live. To live it loudly and with abundance. Yet I struggle with that. Because it means moving on.

Moving on means, saying goodbye – that is so very, very hard to do. I’m not sure how to do that yet. I will be writing about that process over the next few weeks. The journey I’m about to make myself take will be painful, yet exciting all at the same time. It’s time. It’s my time. And I want my life back.

Until next time,

m

Thanksgiving Message

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Thanksgiving for the past 3 years has been extremely difficult for me. Losing my only child has made it very difficult to see the things I am thankful for. The things I should be thankful for. You have to understand – when life isn’t going so well – and you’ve lost all that you know to be true – it’s hard to see the blessings.

Monday, November 30th would have been her 21st birthday. Over the past 3 years her friends, family and I have celebrated it by eating Mac and Cheese and having a Starbucks Carmel Frappachino. But this year I just don’t even want to do that. In fact, the thought of it makes me nauseated.

This 3rd year seems to be harder than the last few years. Not sure why. Maybe just because. Or maybe because so many other parts of my life are a mess. The only good thing I got to hold onto is that I know God loves me. And that is what keeps me going. Because seriously if I didn’t have that – I wouldn’t be able to sustain the life I live now.

I was talking with some friends and I was telling them how I was feeling – they all said that they felt I was here to help others. That even though I have had some incredibly bad things happen in my life – that God is using me to help others. And on some levels I do see that, especially when I hear from people who have been helped either by my story or by my blog. But there are times when I feel I don’t have much left to give.

What does that say? It says I need to slow down and let God fill me back up. I need to receive a little bit. So for the next few days I will be spending that time with God – just me and Him. Talking, praying, reading – just being in His presence soaking up all He has to give me.

Until next time

M

Some days are harder than others.

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I won’t deny that some days are difficult to get through for us grievers. In fact, some days I would just as soon pull the covers up and over my head and sleep. But I get up because it is the very medicine I need to keep moving forward. But some days….are harder than others.

The thoughts that invade my mind come ever so quickly this time of year. Harder to push them back where they belong – in the dark place. I have to be more cognizant of their ability to disrupt my day or put me in a bad mood. I look up and ask God to help me get through the day. But some days….are harder than others.

The ability to acknowledge that the life I knew is gone becomes increasingly difficult this time of year. It’s as if I don’t have a choice in where my mind goes. What thoughts I think. That is when I lean into God and pray for quiet. A peace that can sustain me. But some days….are harder than others.

Spending time with family is harder this time of year. You would think that it would be easier to have the people who love you around, but seriously, it makes things harder. Why – because then I have to hide how I feel so that it doesn’t ruin their fun. I would feel too guilty and that pressure is too great. So I pray to God for strength.  But some days……are harder than others.

The two-sidedness of my life is exhausting to live. But I find it is the only way I can exist. Crazy as that may seem – it works. The private griever in me wants to be left alone and to withdrawal from the world. The old me – wants to live life out loud and be an outrageous crusader for God. A life conflicted for sure. But some days…..are harder than others.

As God continues to heal my life, my heart, my soul……some days…..are harder than others.

until next time

m