Category: grief blessings

experiences of loss, grief journey and blessings along the way

Doors of Life

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

For Everyone Who Ask, Receives. Everyone Who Seeks, Finds. And to Everyone Who Knocks, The Door Will Be Opened. – Luke 11:10

I’ve been praying for a long, long time for God to open a door so that the one behind me will close. I think I may have gotten my request a little out-of-order. I think I may be in looking back way to often and not looking forward enough.

As I continue to move forward on my journey of grief since the death of my daughter I find myself, especially this time of year, looking longingly at that past door that lies behind me. I am sure now after reading that scripture that by not keeping my eyes fixed forward I have hindered God’s desires for me.

Can I just say that takes an incredible amount of grace and humility to admit that, although I feel like God is making doors open for me, I can’t help but to look back sometimes and wish that I would wake up and it all had been a bad dream.

I find that particularly painful to admit, because I know it is the very thing that has stonewalled my progress. The problem then becomes how do I stop looking back. Stop looking back at a life I still long for. How do close that part of my life and look forward? It’s not the game  I wanted to play.

During this time of year seems to be the most difficult. The tendency to look longingly at the door of my past life with Brittany is so strong this time of year. It takes a great deal of strength and attention for me to stay focused on the present and future. I lean into and yes I said into Jesus in order to stay focused on moving forward.

The one thing I do know is that this happens every year at this time. For the past three years it has been extremely difficult to remain faithful that God will keep that door open long enough for me to crawl through. But I also know that God has always remained faithful to me even when I couldn’t even see it. See HIM. He is always there. Waiting for me.

My challenge is finding a way to close the gap between when I start to feel this longing and when I am able to focus on the door in front of me and not the one behind me. And understanding that this journey is a process and one that ebbs and flows without too much influence from me. It’s the nature of the beast.

Every gift that God gives us opens a door for something greater and more wonderful than we can imagine. I know this to be true. The hard part is remaining faithful to that knowledge when it gets a little rocky or life hits the skids. Remaining faithful will allow God to move in ways we can’t possibly imagine.

Hold on my friends, hold on.
until next time

m





Holidays and Grief

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

Holidays have always been a torturous time for us grievers. A time of happiness and family get-togethers becomes a time of sadness, loneliness and feelings of despair for the griever.  There is also an added amount of pressure from well-meaning family and friends to “be happy” or it’s time to “move on” during this time of year.

This is the time of year that grievers often take to keeping to themselves. Not being too social. Almost to the point of being recluse. That happens in part because one it’s easier than dealing with the “well-meaning” family and friends who think they are helping and two because showing your pain and grief somehow makes it more real. It becomes your private friend. The one you don’t want to introduce anymore to anyone.

It’s hard to for a griever to imagine that their broken heart can mend or that love will ever feel the same again. But love doesn’t end when your loved one dies. The love left in your heart is still there. It’s the emptiness, the void left from their absence that makes your heart hurt. But the love – always will it be there to hold your heart together.

On one hand the holiday season brings beautiful decorations and lights. Wonder singing and praises to our God and then there are the lonely moments when the pain of your loss overwhelms you and all those sweet memories that you hold so dear to your heart remind you that your loved one is not there again to enjoy the holidays with you. And despite the good intentions of others, no one can take away the hurt you feel. All we can do is find ways to cope with the holidays.

Healing through the holidays can happen, but only if you allow yourself to experience the season. Feel the goodness of the season. See the beauty of the season. Because it is Jesus’ birth that we truly celebrate. All the other “holiday stuff” is just that – stuff. If you get your mind on the true meaning of why we celebrate Christmas – you can truly move beyond the pain of the holidays.

Don’t be afraid to talk about how you feel or to express your feelings of grief. Pain doesn’t go away on its own. It must be given a voice, whether it be vocal or written expression. I’ve always been a big fan of journaling as I can honestly say it has allowed me the vision to see my journey laid out on paper to see the progression from early grief to the grief I have today, three years later.

When you are experiencing an increase in grieving, it can make you more tired, physically and mentally. So take the time you need to slow down and get the rest you deserve. Don’t try to keep up with everyone else. Learn to say no when you need a break. But also say yes when you need to have someone around to talk with.

My biggest lesson that I’ve struggled with from the get go has been learning to say no. Stretching myself beyond my limits. I do it because it keeps me busy and then when I’m busy I don’t think about how painful I feel. It’s a cover up. It actually can increase your grief because it is increasing your stress. Stress on the body lowers your ability to cope.

Surround yourself with people who understand that the holidays can be difficult for  you. That holidays increase your awareness and sense of loss – so much so – that you may avoid holiday activities. Spending time with people who understand and that allow you to talk openly about your feelings is one of the most important gifts a family member or friend can give a griever at the holidays.

I know personally for me it’s hard to find people who want to hear my story or to hear about Brittany. But it’s crucial to the healing process to include them, the memories of them in the conversations without having someone roll their eyes at you or change the subject all because it’s too uncomfortable for the. It’s not their loss – it’s not their pain – it’s not their life. It’s your life, your pain, your loss and it has to be acknowledged for as long as you need.

A plan for anticipated moments where you may feel overwhelmed by a thought or memory should be in place so if it does happen you can leave the room or take a break without feeling embarrassed.

The most important part – is our memories of our loved ones are legacies that exist. They are apart of who we are and apart of who they were in our lives. Holidays make us remember these times more than any other time of the year. Go with it. Let it come. Journal it. Embrace it. Don’t ignore it. I have found over the past 3 years that the memories now bring smiles more than tears. But the tears still do come. Your memories are the love you had with that person and will forever remain in your heart. No one – No one can take that from you.

Create new memories by spending time with people. Try not to isolate yourself thinking you can avoid the holiday season. You can’t and it’s truly not good for you. I try to spend time with friends, family and other people to create a new definition of holiday for me. But with that in mind, these people I spend time with know my story and know that my story is what makes me who I am today.

Most of all love yourself during the holidays. Express yourself by giving and receiving love from others and from God. Surround yourself with loving people and you’ll see that your journey through the holidays will take on a new and different light. But always with a distant glow that remains in your heart from the love and joy that came from having loved someone so much.

Until next time

m

Facing Fear

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

About a year ago I wrote letters to a few people who had hurt me deeply. Those letters where terribly difficult to write, but so necessary for my continued journey.

I revisited those letters a few months ago and reading them made me realize just how healing getting those words out from my heart and onto paper was. Today while walking with a new friend the topic of writing a letter to someone you loved whom you may have lost by death or by divorce or by estrangement came up. How difficult it is to face those painful memories that darken your heart and prevent your movement through the healing continuum.

In speaking with this person, I encouraged her to write a letter she’d been wanting to write, but never got around to writing it.  That is the issue – not getting around to it means the fear is keeping you from facing it. From facing what it is that is blocking your progress in your journey.

Once I wrote my letters I put them away and then reread them later on. Every time I reread them I know that I have come so much farther than I could have ever imagined when I originally wrote them. I never sent those letters to their intended target, but just writing them removed a huge weight from my shoulders. It created a means by which the pathway to healing opened up on a whole new level.

I would encourage anyone who is facing a fear no matter what type of fear – to write a letter addressed to that fear. Then lock it up and put it away. Later take it out and reread it – and know that you will see progress. Then destroy that letter if you don’t want it to be found. I know I wrestled with that myself, but elected to keep them stowed away in a locked place for future use. Like a campfire!

So my dear friends, face your fears head on – don’t let them stand in your way of becoming the person you are meant to be. The person God wants you to be. To live the life God intended for you, not the one fear keeps you imprisoned in.

Until next time

M

Vacant Space

Grief Blessings3 Comments

Vacant Space

There was a time when life was full
and we were always running the race
but now after these long 3 years
my life has become this vacant space.

There was a time when life was busy
and we were always running the race
always looking for more time to spend
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when life was so right
and we took it all for granted;
believing the joy would never end
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when I laughed at your jokes
and cried when you were hurting;
knowing that I would always be your mom
and you would always be my daughter;
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when you showed me
what it means to live beyond your ability
To imagine the world as your own
but now all that exists is vacant space.

There was a time when I saw you die and;
knowing although you were with God
helped me to heal – though still all I know
is the place in my heart where you lived is
now all but a vacant space.

There is a time when I have to move on
a time when I have to choose to be more
than I have been, that shell of a vacant space;
Only now do I realize that the vacant space is
still filled with your love and your sweet face.

Peace to you my sweet little girl Brittany.

love mom

When You Hit The Wall – Again!

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

I’m choosing to repost this because it is that time of year when I hit the wall and and I hit it hard. I go into protect mode and I withdraw from everything – why – because you don’t want to see it, feel it or touch it – it being the pain
I feel as each October comes and goes. I relive it all over and over again and in doing
so I hit the wall over and over again.

I had a lot to think about after watching “Love Happens” this past weekend. As you may recall from my blog post yesterday, this movie is about a guy who has lost his wife and after her death he writes a book. As the book becomes successful he goes out and conducts seminars with people who are stuck in the grieving process.

Again without taking too much from the ending, I wanted to address the real problem with getting stuck in grief from my own personal perspective.  I’m not a therapist, but I do know a little something about grief and about the various setbacks and progress one experiences during their journey.

Fear – what is it? Fear can be paralyzing. Fear can be deafening. Fear can be what I call the Wall. In the many books I’ve read over the past three years there seems to be a prevailing similarity between each author and that is they all experienced fear as a setback in their journey. But where does that fear come from. I believe it can start at the very core of who a person is. I also believe it can be from an experience so horrific it paralyzes you to the point that you feel as if any move you make will be the wrong one. You just can’t move forward. You don’t trust anyone. You don’t trust in life.

The Wall I am referring to is one I hit pretty early and I hit it hard. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t seem to move forward. Why after progressing so well in my journey did I suddenly come to a standstill? After seeing this movie I believe I finally understand why.

In the weeks before Brittany’s death we had just gotten the news that her epilepsy had progressively gotten worse and without reason. It rocked our world beyond belief. How could she have gotten a clean bill of health before going to Costa Rica and then return showing signs of new seizure activity. We just didn’t understand it. As a nurse I truly felt helpless.

On the eve of her death, she had called me at work saying one of her hands felt weird – like when she’s been on the computer too much. So I told her to call me in an hour if it wasn’t any better. She never did call me and when I got home a few hours later she said it was totally better. Then an hour later after watching some TV and talking on the phone to her boyfriend I found her having a grand mal seizure in the chair at her desk.

Her friend and I rushed to get her out of the chair and I administered the medication to bring her out of it. We hadn’t needed that medication in years. She hadn’t had a grand mal seizure in 4 years. The seizure activity she was experiencing to that date was all petit mal. Most of the time you would have never seen her have a seizure.

As a nurse, I knew something was not going right. This medication had stopped the activity years before, but not this time. So paramedics were called and they spend more valuable time arguing with me about whether or not she was still seizing. Seriously, why argue with a mother who, one was a nurse and two had been dealing with this child’s illness for 17 years. Seriously.

Once at the hospital, things grew progressively worse until she was admitted into Peds. ICU. And then she became increasingly unstable and in 12 hours the doctors told us there was nothing more they could do. So we had to make a decision to stop the attempts to resuscitate her. The most horrific moment in my life. Looking that doctor in the eye and telling him to stop CPR. I knew she would never recover. As a nurse I knew she’d be in a coma or a in vegetative state for the rest of her life. She had gone into multi-organ failure and there was nothing anyone could do. Except for God.

I prayed so hard earlier that night. Praying for God to heal or take her so she wouldn’t suffer anymore. Little did I know he would honor the second part of that prayer. I think in some small way I feel guilty about that. Maybe I didn’t have enough faith. Maybe because I said “or take her” that was a test of my faith and I failed miserably. I couldn’t even save my own daughter. I remember thinking “I’m a damn nurse and pediatric nurse and I can’t even save my own daughter.”

I wondered often in the months after her death if I’d missed something critical. Did I overlook some sign that I could have been more proactive. I tore myself up month after month asking God why. Why would he take her from me. Hadn’t I suffered enough. It took me a long while to get to a place where I knew it wasn’t about me. But it’s a place a lot of grieving parents get stuck.

The “Wall” I hit – the fear I succumbed to – finally took its toll on me physically and mentally. I felt I couldn’t stay in clinical practice any longer. I’m seriously. How could I expect to help save a life, when I couldn’t even save my own daughter’s life. Remembering I’m a pediatric nurse. I just couldn’t bring myself to work any longer in the job I loved – taking care of kids. I lived in fear every day that I would be presented with having to be involved in saving the life of a child and it would all come back to me. The fear was paralyzing.

Facing this fear has to be the first step in the recovery of grief. I hit the Wall of Fear and I hit it hard. So this meant I had to do some hard work. In fact, I’m still a work in progress, but with God’s help and the help of many friends, I have come a long way. But I have a long way to go. For grief stays with you forever. My daughter’s memory will be with me forever. The memory of that night however, I’d like to bury along with my fear.

Until next time

M

Empty Nest

Tears will fall, floods will come but so will joy.

Grief Blessings1 Comment

In doing some research for my book I came across a print out from The Compassionate Friends, an organization who supports those who have lost loved ones. In that article it addressed an area of my grief that I struggle with even today. What made me think about it was recently I also had read an article by a mother who was mourning her daughter’s move to college. She felt lost and alone and unsure of what she was going to do with her time. And I thought to myself – we have so much in common, yet there is a place where that commonality takes a fork in the road. That fork starts a path no parent wants to travel.

The article from TCF addresses parents who are now childless. As I read this for the first time, tears streamed down my face, because for once during my grieving period someone wrote what I was feeling. I thought no one could possibily understand what it was like to feel my future slip away, or at least the one I thought I was suppose to live, had been ripped from me.  I questioned so many times, “who am I if I am not a parent” “who am I if I am not a mother” – I was utterly lost in my own identity. I felt empty and alone and the hole in my heart seemed as if it would never recover.

This article gave me a small rope to cling to. The words “Ultimately, however, we realize that we are forever parents.” were the words I needed to hear.  I remember thinking – “finally someone gets it” – until I got asked “the question”. How many children do you have? The first couple of times I was asked by an unsuspecting person, I would just hang my head and say quietly one and then walk away from their bedside, to hide the tears that quickly flooded my eyes. As time went on, that question would continue to come, and with each level of grief I would answer it differently. Sometimes I could tell if the person that was asking could handle me saying “one, but she now lives in Heaven” or I would just say “no”.

Saying “no” was in a way betraying Brittany’s existenace so I stopped that and just became comfortable with saying I have a daughter and she has passed on. I came to a place where I could even smile while saying it. That is real progress.

So often my well meaning family, friends and co-workers would try to offer a word of comfort by saying “try and focus on what time you had with her” or “try not to look back and look toward the future” – can I just say I wanted to belt them a few times. But I knew they cared for me and were just trying to help. But let me tell you if you are in this place, you may feel, like I did, that it’s hard to find a way to focus on the future when it looks very empty. I won’t deny that for one minute, but it does get better. The fact doesn’t change, it’s the way you look at it that changes.

You begin to see the blessings and not the grief that has held you hostage for so long. The trip is a long one and it seems as though some days you move one step forward and three back. Eventually the steps forward begin to out number the steps backward. That is the hope I offer you today.

If you are early in your grief, move into it, lean into it and lean into God. Move through your grief and let it take you where you need to go. Tears will fall, floods will come but so will joy. When joy returns your memories will make you smile and sometimes with a small tear – a sign that you will never forget.

until next time

m

Blessings Verses Loss

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

I was watching a show once and a family was interviewed about their experience in losing their young son. I Believe the boy was around the age of 8 or 9 years of age. The dad hadn’t yet been able to come to terms with the death, but the mother, she had a totally different way of thinking about the loss.

I remember what she had to say was one of the first blessings or “turning points” if you will, that moved me forward in my journey of grief. The road to peace has to be paved with blessings, the ones that you see or feel.

When asked how she had come to terms with her son’s death, she said that I see his life as a blessing and the time I had with him as a blessing. I choose to see the blessing and not the loss. I remember this show was very early in my walk of grief and I remembered thinking “wow, I want to be there, I want to feel like that”. At that time I was still blinded by my curtain of grief. A cloud of pain and sorrow that followed me where ever I went.

Now I can see where that mother was coming from. Now that I am 2-1/2 years out, I can understand how she could see the blessing more clearly.  I currently work with grieving parents who have recently lost a child and although I don’t get a call often (thank goodness) it gratifies me to know that I can offer some kind of beacon of light for a family who can only see dark. And it’s all because someone came along side me, even without physically knowing them, helped me see that there could be light at the end of my very long and dark tunnel.

The blessings are easier to see today, than yesterday. The loss is still a loss, but it is less painful. The hole will forever remain in my heart, but the blessings are what make me able to talk about her and laugh now. Instead of crying, wailing, sobbing and wishing that I were not alive.

What people need to know is its a long and horrific road, one that will take a lifetime to follow, but if we come along side them and show them light, even in their darkest of hours, they will begin to see the blessings for the light will provide a means to see them.

until next time,

m

A Moment of Reflection

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

On Wednesday, May 20th my daughter’s high school, in particular the Class of 2009, honored us with a bench with a memorial plaque dedicated to our daughter Brittany. She was a student in the system since 2nd grade and died while a senior. She would have graduated in 2007.

Brittany's Memorial Bench

As I look back over the last few days I am so proud of what a legacy my daughter left for us to keep working on. She taught me so much as a mother, and she continues to teach me as I grieve the silence of her voice, the absence of her physical presence and the infectious laugh that I’ll never forget. She taught me that inspite of your difficulties you must see the glass as half full. Never half empty. Despite a life-long, chronic illness of Epilepsy and Crohn’s Disease she saw life as an adventure. But it wasn’t always that way.

It took her awhile to get to that level of maturity. It took meeting the best friend of her life, the love of her life and a trip to Costa Rica to learn what was important in life. I remember a conversation we had a few weeks before her passing when she was acting out some and I finally called her on it and I asked her “what’s going on”. We talked and she finally came out with what was bothering her.

She said, “mom, if Andy really knew me, he wouldn’t love me. If he knew I had all these problems he wouldn’t love me.” I looked at her sad face and gave her a big hug and then I told her, “Brittany, Andy loves you because of who you are not what you have. You are who you are because of these problems. These problems have provided the means for you to see the world like many other should see it, with a value on love, life and purpose. And that is why he loves you.” – she laughed and said “Thanks Mom” gave me a big hug and ran off. That was our last conversation about life.

until next time,

m

Family

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

In the midst of loss we search for the reasons why we must suffer and grieve. While quietly observing family talk and family moments that are meaningful I get a reminder that it is in those moments that we can remember our loved ones with a grateful heart that they touched our lives in such a way that we are able to laugh and connect with those of us who remain.

New connections made by old connections lead to chances to see God’s purpose in why things happen the way they do. No we may not have the answers to why we experience loss, but if we are still enough in his presence we may see the purpose – to help us reconnect, to love, to support, to lift up those family members that were once a great part of our life.

Life is a gift.

Blessings

M

New Grief Revisits Old Grief

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

My aunt died this week and I have had a much harder time than I anticipated. It has brought back some fresh feelings about my daughter’s death that I thought I’d dealt with.  Like why do I feel like my life has been a constant journey uphill and against a headwind of 60+ mph.

New Grief takes you back to places you don’t want to go. It makes you remember the moment you lost your loved one and it takes a accumulative toll over time.

No one really understands that – except God. I get a great deal of comfort from knowing my troubles here on earth will seem distant and unimaginable once I see the face of God. The one thing that I say to people and they get a little wacky is that I’m ready now.

When life doesn’t make sense and you try to live a new life you don’t know how to live. You live a day-to-day existence that is just too much to bare.